How to Catch and Keep a Vampire: A Step by Step Guide to Loving the Bad and the Beautiful

by Diana Laurence

Explores the romantic fascination we mortals have for the undead

Genres: Vampires, Fantasy

160 pages, Paperback

First published October 23, 2009

Reviews

[Bridget · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've always wanted to meet a vampire. Not the poser kind that say they drink blood because they think it makes them look cool. I want to meet a real, true immortal vampire. I even had this dream before liking vampires was cool. I had people laugh at me when they found out that I was serious with my vamp fascination. Now that Twilight has come out, tons of people want to meet one. They're stealing my thunder! LOL. Just kidding. But seriously, if you meet a real vampire, please send them my way!

I feel like this book was written for me. I've often wondered why I am so attracted to the undead. Especially because I used to be an angel. Seriously, I was 19 before I did something that my parents would consider "wrong". I was a boring, goody goody. Yet I was obsessed with creatures of the night. I've already met the love of my life, so now the only way I'll have a relationship with a vamp is someone turns him. Luckily, he's like me and shared my fascination of things that go bump in the night. This is an awesome book that helped me realize a lot about why I feel the way I feel. So go read it:)

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

"This book can be summed up in one word: fun! I really need to go out and purchase a red satin ribbon. And yes, I now know the dangers of wearing one, but I don't care. To be honest, the red satin ribbon on the cover...and the word ""vampire"" had me requesting this from Shelf Awareness as fast as I possibly could. [return][return][return]If you have ever wanted to understand why someone like me is obsessed with vampires, then this is your book. Ms. Laurence explains the fascination with vampires quite well. She discusses the good, the bad, and the just plain dangerous about vampires, and what makes them so appealing. She also introduced me to a new word that is oh-so-apt: ""vampirophile"". Isn't that great? [return][return][return]The beauty of this book is that it does not take itself seriously. Ms. Laurence inflects humor and lightheartedness into every page. On the surface, it may seem like another frivolous vampire book, but underneath, one gets more than just a tongue-in-cheek book about loving vampires. It offers advice on how to embrace what is truly important to you and how you do not need to apologize to others for your likes and dislikes. In addition, it offers dating advice. In a way, this could almost be termed a women empowerment how-to book. Yes, I know - it was the last thing I expected to find when reading it, but an enjoyable find none the less. [return][return][return]Given the vampire craze today, the timing of this book is perfect, but as I already mentioned, Ms. Laurence uses the popularity of vampires to espouse some very real advice. That does not mean that it is a serious book by any means. It is silly, humorous and just plain enjoyable. I highly recommend it to any other vampirophiles or anyone who does not understand why we love vampires so much![return][return][return]A special thank you to Andy Sturtevant and Sellers Publishing for sending me a copy of this book. I literally squealed out loud when I opened up the package containing it and have been chomping at the bit to read it ever since."

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever been so obsessed over the undead that when you watch a movie or TV show with a vampire in it that you wished you were the girl being devoured by the vampire?

Well cheer up as there is a book for you. It is called How to Catch and Keep a Vampire. If you ever dreamed or imagined yourself with a vampire than you should check this step by step guide. After reading it you will wonder why this book wasn’t written sooner. Though I do have to warn you that this guide may burst some of your bubbles as this author, Diana Laurence debunks myths about vampires.

I liked this book. It was witty, charming, insightful, and an all around how to guide that you can really sink your teeth into! How to Catch and Keep a Vampire isn’t just a step by step guide that you just read and try on your own. No, author Diana Laurence has first hand experience on dealing with the undead and she shares with the readers the do’s and don’ts of being with a vampire. She breaks this book down into easy to follow chapters with case studies and questions and answers at the end of each chapter. I suggest you pick up a copy of this book today. What do you have to lose…other than a few hours of sleep.

[Dawn · Rating 2 out of 5]

An interesting book that was definitely entertaining and enlightening. However, I think what turned me off about it was the very traditional gender roles and the talk of vampires being all dominant and well, male. My feminist sensibilities were irritated by the talk of how every woman really wants to be dominated, at least a little bit and other such talk.

Still, an interesting read.

[Olean Public Library · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed with this book. I thought it would be a funny satire; however the author really seemed to believe in vampires. The one thing that I did find interesting was how many behaviors people find "sexy" in vampires, would never be tolerated in a real human being.

[Maria Todorova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Много забавна и приятна книжка(наричам я така,защото е само 200 страници),която може да те откъсне от сивото ежедневие(макар и да разбрахме,че сивото не е лош цвят-от д-р Стивън Грей).
Някак си те кара да мислиш,че всичко това наистина се е случило и е възможно да се случи и в реалния живот.
И накрая,естествено,е доста поучителна!
Сега искам наръчници и за Феите(на първо място-ха ха),върколаците,шифтърите,сукубите,ангелите и демоните!
:-D :-D :-D

[Amatoriae · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely hilarious. Got this as a joke and do not regret it at all

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't even know what I just read ... But I loved it

[Christine (booktumbling) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Do you find yourself jealous of Sookie, Bella and Buffy? Do you think Tom Cruise, George Hamilton, Kate Beckinsale and Gary Oldman their sexiest when sporting fangs? Then How To Catch and Keep a Vampire: A Step-By-Step Guide to Loving the Bad and the Beautiful is the book for you. Chemistry, what vampires look for in a mate, the effects of biting on the relationship, why you can never tame a vampire, and comparisons between vampy boyfriends and run-of-the-mill boyfriends.

With the help of some enchanting immortals, author Diana Laurence provides a all of the necessary elements one needs to find Mr. Vampire Right and it is not impossible as Ms. Laurence explains in the introduction:

Well, I’m here to tell you your longings for a bloodsucking companion are not in vain. And I will not be wasting your time with bad vampire puns like “in vein”. You can meet a vampire, you can woo and win him, you can forge the kind of relationship you’ve dreamed of. You can catch and keep a vampire, because I’m going to tell you how.

The book is divided into ten chapters (including “Not Just Any Immortal Will Do” to “When You Start Thinking of Converting”) which are scattered with actual case studies as well as her own story of going after the wrong vampire. There are also some FAQs of the undead concerning some of the most popular questions concerning vampires such as do they pay taxes and whether marriage is ever in their future. You will even discover why you are so attracted to these stalkers of night.

This book was great fun and a perfect read for Halloween. It is written as a serious self-help book with all of the tongue-in-cheek (or fang-in-jugular) humor needed for the subject matter. Ms. Laurence’s experience as a paranormal romance writer shines and her witty writing balances serious with parody. Paranormal/romance/vampire fans will delight in this quick, entertaining read.

Please be sure to visit the How To Catch and Keep a Vampire Facebook page and website for more information on the book, the author and a chance to submit a question to join the panel discussion with the vampires that helped out in the book. Ms. Laurence also has her author site and recently shared thoughts on her book in an interview.

[Rhonda · Rating 1 out of 5]

Lots of girls, and probably some guys too, have fantasized about meeting a real-life vampire. Heck, even I've wished vampires were real and I could one day meet my immortal lover and have him turn me so that I could truly stay at the age of 28 that I've been claiming to be for the past so many years. The question is, if vampires did exist, how would one go about winning the heart of said vamp? Diana Laurence attempts to answer this question as well as many others in How to Catch and Keep a Vampire, a book written in the style of a self-help book, even going as far as including "case studies". I've never been a fan of self-help books, and on such an off-the-wall subject like this, I really had my doubts on how this book could turn out to be good, but I tried to dig in with an open mind. Laurence threw in numerous jokes to help make the read light and fun throughout and played on many old vampire clichés throughout the book, but overall the book was still a bit dull. I also found Laurence's idea that it was a wonderful idea for a person to be dating both a mortal guy and an immortal guy at the same time a bit strange. If the whole point of the book was how to "keep a vampire", wouldn't said vampire be upset if he found out you were cheating on him with a mortal? Some people might find this book a bit fun if they have just barely touched on the vampire scene, such as Twilight fans, but die-hard vampire fanatics will likely be turned off.

Review also posted at MonsterLibrarian.com

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

We are definitely a vampire obsessed culture. We've for the most part, always been fascinated by the so called living dead yet thanks to a large increase in vampire literature within the last decade, it seems that the vampire craze is bigger than ever as well as here to stay.

How To Catch And Keep A Vampire is simply a step by step guide to dating a vampire. This book is obviously fictions seeing as vampires are not real (sorry!) but what I greatly enjoyed about this book is that it reads as if vampires really do walk alongside us. In short, it is handled very realistically which I think made reading it even more fun. After all, seeing as the immortal vampire varies greatly from your everyday run of the mill mortal man, it only seems fair that there be book on the very subject.

I have to say that How To Catch And Keep A Vampire is very imaginative and creative as well as humorous. I love Diana Laurence's approach on an already heavily populated subject matter. She turned a prevalent idea into something unique that vampire fans would be able to enjoy just as much.

This book however is not just a step by step guide to dating a vampire. It also contains case studies and introduces you to a few fellow immortals that will keep you intrigued. And of course, a "How-To" book wouldn't be the same without a section filled with questions and answers.

All in all, this book is simply a lot of fun. It takes the premise of a how-to/self-help novel and turns it into something entertaining.

[Nancy Schumann · Rating 5 out of 5]

So we've all read the books; we've all seen the movies and we can't wait for the next episode of True Blood to be on telly. Vampires are everywhere and thoroughly enjoyable in any shape or form. And we are, all of us, brushed up on the vampiric lore of just about any country in the world. We are experts for crying out loud. Why then is it that Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse, who blatantly have to google the term `vampire' in the first place, get to hang out with the cool guys? Where did it all go wrong? I mean if I was a vampire I go dating one of us lot rather than having to explain the whole undead lark first.
Do not despair. This finally is the self-help book we have been waiting for (and frankly the only one worth reading). Yes, the author does in all seriousness dissect the dos and don'ts of how to catch a vampire's interest and how to go about dating one of them. She'll give you all the tools to deal with your objecting friends and extended family. There are words of caution so you won't enter your vampiric relationship blue-eyed (nor exit it exsanguinated). Like any proper self-help book this one has case studies (read: personal experience anecdotes) and FAQs.
All of this comes in a package (with red satin ribbon) of tongue-in-cheek humour and light-hearted writing. Self-help has never been this much fun. I highly recommend you catch a copy of this.

[TheVampireBookworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

We covered the teenage game in the last two weeks and it's time to follow into adulthood. Honestly, I don't even know how these books appeared on my bookshelf. It must be from the era I discovered on-line used books stores and basically put into my cart everything which had a name VAMPIRE on it. These stores don't usually add description or a picture of the book so it is one big leap into the unknown. I wonder how I managed to buy so many adult books and almost no children literature.
Anyway, to the dating the undead when older. I am happy that despite the fact that this book is also a post-Twilight book, the portrayal of a vampire tilts more toward the classic one rather than to the sparkly kind.
The author claims to have dated many a vampire and her dating story is mixed with case studies, FAQs and other people's experience. The writing is more mature than in the previous books and even though there is a lot of puns in there, the humor is not as strong as in Mezrich's book. See, it's written almost as if the author was serious.
But as I've already written, the focus of this book are those manipulative always elusive vampires, that's a plus. One the whole it wasn't a bad book but I caught myself not paying attention in some passages because it was getting dull every now and then.

[Lizzy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had a lot of fun reading this book! While I enjoy the occasional vampire story/TV show (i.e True Blood), I've always been curious about the vampire-obsessed. What makes the vampire so appealing, aside from the characters being played by attractive actors? This book answered that, and more. Plus, it had me laughing aloud (which probably frightened a lot of other people at my library).

In my opinion, the book would definitely be categorized humor. If you look closely, however, there are some genuine dating tips throughout the book. Each chapter had various different sections, like "FAQ's about the Undead", Case Studies, and plenty of other tips on how to catch yourself a vampire. For example, did you know that wearing a red satin ribbon (tied in a bow) on your wrist shows your interest in those who are undead?

Laurence also takes time to point out the difference between an evil vampire, and a "bad" vampire (think murderer vs the bad boy). She uses her personal experience with a vampire, named Dr. Stephen Grey, to emphasize why evil vampires shouldn't be sought out. In short, they want to drain you of your blood and/or convert you against your will.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ever wonder what special tricks Bella Swan used in order to capture the attention of Edward Cullen? Or just think that vampires in general are sexy, and you are dying to know how to win one for yourself. Then How to Catch and Keep a Vampire is just the self help book for you! Divided into amazing step-by-step chapters, readers are sure to find out what qualities one must work on in order to find their vampire love. With chapters such as, "What's a Vampire Got That My Boyfriend Hasn't Got?" and an in depth FAQs section, Laurence provides readers with all the tools needed to find your perfect partner.

This self-help type novel was a really fun quick read. It also includes an insightful (and humorous) look into why we are so attracted to these creatures of the night. Laurence's usage of humor and wit had me laughing at the extent that one can undergo to find their forever partners. This book will definitely please vampire lovers and humorous alike.

[Alexia561 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very funny book that somehow managed to straddle the line between serious dating guide and parody. Diana did a great job of presenting the realities of dating a vampire in a no-nonsence, practical method without ever veering into pure silliness. Inserting various 'case studies' from fellow vampirophiles of possible pitfalls was a nice touch, and I especially liked the FAQs at the end of each chapter.

Think my favorite part of the book was the list of Top Ten Vampire Pickup Lines. I mean, really...what vampirophile could resist lines like Your irresistible loveliness called to me from across this Jiffy Lube waiting room or I can be your Lestat, your Edward, your Bill...only better?

All in all, this was a fast, enjoyable, humorous read that I would recommend to any and all paranormal lovers out there. Gave it a 4 out of 5.

[Sandra Stiles · Rating 3 out of 5]

Have you grown up fascinated with vampires? Were you led to believe that all vampires were evil, and out to kill you, or turn you into one of them? Have you got it all wrong. Diana Laurence in her book, How to Catch and Keep a Vampire gives you the ins and outs of finding the right vampire to meet your taste (pun intended). She takes you step by step through the process of identifying vampires to finding the right one , be it a subdued vampire to the most evil of them. She has taken it upon herself to give away the secrets that they hold so dear. She has taken the myths and given us the facts. Through case studies we can learn what to expect and what to avoid. This is a must read for anyone who is fascinated with vampires. The book is full of humor. You choose how seriously you want to take it.

[Yvensong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever thought about dating a vampire? What would it be like? What do you need to know before embarking on snagging yourself a vampire boyfried/lover?

This parody of dating books gives you all the insights needed to get involved with the wonderful adventure that dating vampires entails.

Just imagine, you and your new vampire lover snuggled in front of a warm fire, as he tells you stories of living through the Renaissance. That, and so much more can be yours, once you learn the secrets, the precautions and the joys of vampire relationships.

Fun, amusing and well-written, this book is a must read for anyone who wants to take the fantasy to enjoying vampire love a step further past the glut of vampire romance novels.

[Katrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

The red ribbon and the irresistible word Vampire on the cover told me I had to read this book. This is a very humorous look at how to date a vampire. They seem to be very accepting of all types of humans, as long as they hold some blood. The vampire in your life also has many traits that make his better than your current human boyfriend, husband or fling. A dating guide from an author who writes steamy romance and vampire novels, how can it get any better than that. Laurence is funny, witty and so believable. She had me questioning my belief in vampires from the start by she a assured voice and the tone of the book. If you enjoy vampire novels and love to see the different quality writers make their vampire process, you will love this book.

[Julie H. Ernstein · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe it was the near-total shock of snow in Louisiana, but I was sucked into my local independent book store on the walk home from school yesterday where I purchased this book. It was mildly amusing, but I suppose it wasn't really written for me as I have more of an "inner Buffy" than an "inner Mina." I can only hope that the author, Diana Laurence, is doing this totally tongue-in-cheek vs. actually believing that she has had romantic encounters with several members of the undead. For those of us who enjoy vampire and assorted paranormal fiction without ever wishing to be bitten ourselves, this is a bit of a stretch. While I'll certainly keep an eye out for folks with a red ribbon tied around their (hopefully right) wrist, don't ever expect to see me sporting one!

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Turns there’s not a lot of difference between dating a vampire and dating a mortal. Though Laurence does caution against allowing a vampire boyfriend to go too far when drinking some of your blood. Then there’s that pesky mind-control thing.

Sprinkled throughout the book are FAQs, case studies, and other great little tidbits like vampire pick-up lines. Laurence also dispels some myths about vampires. For example, vampires can enter your home without permission; they’re just being polite when they don’t. How to Catch and Keep a Vampire is hilarious and entertaining, but Laurence also takes the subject very seriously.

[La Femme Readers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ever wanted to catch a sexy vampire? Well now you can! This step-by-step guidebook will help you sniff out those badass bloodsuckers that most of us love. From the first line I was quickly engaged in Diana's tactics in catching a vampire. I read most of it on the train and would literally look around to look for vampire "signs." Call it crazy but Diana's persuasive writing really makes you think vampires exist. I'd love to meet an Edward or Damon one day, but do they really exist? Who knows. If you are a vampire addict and need a book to help you fulfill your needs then this book is for you. Overall, How to Catch and Keep a Vampire was a fun read and I really enjoyed it!

[Verity · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am some what at a loss as to where to shelve this book at home. Having never met a "real" vampire and having seen the author's webpage/alternative life(s), I am inclined to add the work to the fiction section and think the author a very active imagination. If it were true...it leaves me disappointed, as it indicates that people and the 'undead' are as predictable as ever, much like their appearance as Ms Laurence describes them. (And why would you want to live forever if history is just going to repeat itself?)

Though it should be fun to watch whether people start wearing red ribbons on their wrists!

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This tongue-in-cheek book on vampiric dating was really fun to read! Diana Laurence writes on such subjects as: vampire fangs, vampires paying taxes and pick up lines: "I picked these flowers up for you...at the cemetary." The book was amusing but it was not what I had expected. To be honest, I'm not sure just what I did expect but this wasn't it.

Still, the advice is worth having be it a mortal or an immortal guy you're after. I think it was a good effort, just not for me.

[♦Jennifer♦ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, fun and light. I was almost constantly chuckling throughout How to Catch and Keep a Vampire. Anybody looking for some laughs and has ever dreamed about their very own vampire romance will love this book. Diana Laurence’s tips are fantastic, and maybe, if you follow them real closely, you’ll be able to catch and keep your very own vampire.

see the full review here

[Shannon Warner · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was easy for me to read and a good laugh.
It made me laugh how it is a guide to get your own vampire such as Edward Cullen and that lot and I loved it I got well into it and I couldn't stop reading it as it was intresting and the aurthor wrote it so well and brilliant and I would read this book again
RECOMEMEND TO THE VAMPIRE FANS!!!!

[Carol · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed with this book. I thought it would be a funny satire; however the author really seemed to believe in vampires. The one thing that I did find interesting was how many behaviors people find "sexy" in vampires, would never be tolerated in a real human being.

[Lady Entropy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sometimes I laughed, sometimes I rolled my eyes because it took itself a little too seriously. It was a decent read but not as entertaining as "The Vampire is Just Not Into You". There were a few interesting tidbdits but most of it I already forgot.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

http://cherylbaryl.blogspot.com/2009/...

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was pretty witty. I liked it.