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How to Have Difficult Conversations About Race
Gain the confidence to not only talk about race, but actually make a difference when you do.
Negotiation expert Kwame Christian’s motto is: “The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations.” If we want a more equitable workplace, and a more equitable world, we have to talk to each other about race.
But, for so many of us, that’s easier said than done.
Many people avoid conversations about race because of fear: fear of discomfort, damaging important relationships, being misunderstood, “cancelled,” ostracized. How to Have Difficult Conversations About Race equips you with the skills you need to make these crucial conversations easier and more productive.
Whether you’re looking to create change for yourself and other BIPOC, or a white ally seeking to support your coworkers or clients, you’ll learn how to:
• Overcome your internal barriers to talking about diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI).
• Work around others’ barriers to productive discussion.
• Be strategic about the outcome you want, and guide the conversation accordingly.
• Use “Compassionate Curiosity” to connect and persuade.
• Avoid common mistakes.
• Communicate more effectively over email, when you can’t talk face to face.
If you’ve ever struggled to turn that passion into persuasion, or been too afraid to speak up at work (or outside of it), this book is for you.
The first step toward lasting social change is productive discussion. With this book, you’ll never shy away from those important conversations again—instead approaching them with courage and conviction.
Negotiation expert Kwame Christian’s motto is: “The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations.” If we want a more equitable workplace, and a more equitable world, we have to talk to each other about race.
But, for so many of us, that’s easier said than done.
Many people avoid conversations about race because of fear: fear of discomfort, damaging important relationships, being misunderstood, “cancelled,” ostracized. How to Have Difficult Conversations About Race equips you with the skills you need to make these crucial conversations easier and more productive.
Whether you’re looking to create change for yourself and other BIPOC, or a white ally seeking to support your coworkers or clients, you’ll learn how to:
• Overcome your internal barriers to talking about diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI).
• Work around others’ barriers to productive discussion.
• Be strategic about the outcome you want, and guide the conversation accordingly.
• Use “Compassionate Curiosity” to connect and persuade.
• Avoid common mistakes.
• Communicate more effectively over email, when you can’t talk face to face.
If you’ve ever struggled to turn that passion into persuasion, or been too afraid to speak up at work (or outside of it), this book is for you.
The first step toward lasting social change is productive discussion. With this book, you’ll never shy away from those important conversations again—instead approaching them with courage and conviction.
240 pages, Hardcover
Published September 13, 2022
30 people are currently reading
234 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
January 12, 2023
A great book that has helped me in my role in work and all the Diversity and Inclusion team to feel more confident in addressing important conversations that need to happen.
Kwame guides us through biases, levels of communication, his Compassionate Curiosity framework, and specific scenarios by giving us specific steps, impactful stories, and enough information for us to be confident in our actions.
Many thanks to NetGalley and BenBella Books for this title.
Kwame guides us through biases, levels of communication, his Compassionate Curiosity framework, and specific scenarios by giving us specific steps, impactful stories, and enough information for us to be confident in our actions.
Many thanks to NetGalley and BenBella Books for this title.
October 17, 2022
Christian has a great mix of pragmatic advice and an optimistic outlook. He knows that as humans we don't want to let a liar lie or tolerate an argument in bad faith. Heck, a lot of the time we want to be RIGHT and have the other person acknowledge it! Christian wants you to rise above of this not just because he wants to appeal to your better angels, but because calling out a liar to his/her face and being RIGHT is usually not productive for your goals. Because that's what a negotiation is: it's a conversation that is meant to achieve a specific purpose. Keeping that idea front and center not only refocuses your efforts, it makes you a much better person. The prose can be a bit dry at times, while at others it becomes downright inspirational. That is, if you are inspired by finding ways of achieving change.
November 15, 2022
I read quite a few books on race over the last few years and this is one that is going to stick with me. There’s lots of actionable information in it and lots of discussion tools (which I feel like is needed).
October 10, 2023
Summary: Makes the case for the importance and unavoidability of workplace conversations about race, how we may overcome our fears, and offers a framework of practical skills in engaging these conversations.
Kwame Christian is the founder and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. Trained as a lawyer, he works as a mediator in legal negotiations and teaches negotiation skills. He’s also a Black man who actually avoided race conversations because they were so emotionally taxing, until his wife confronted him with the inconsistency of telling people they needed to have difficult conversations in negotiations but avoiding difficult conversations about race. When he first presented these ideas, he took a different approach. He told people that he was not going to tell them how to think about race but was going to show them how to talk about race. Those first presentations eventually led to this book.
The book is organized around three straightforward parts: the problem, the solution, and taking action. In the first part he addresses our resistance to and need for having difficult conversations about race. He proposes that we do so because we care about our colleagues and our relationships with colleagues, we care about fairness, and we care about progress in our organization. One of Christian’s key observations is that progress only happens when people are persuaded to implement changes. For this, a winning mindset is critical, in which people are convinced that difficult conversations can lead to progress and not trauma. It means accepting that if one party thinks race is at issue in the conversation, then it is. It means a willingness to make mistakes. He offers help in identifying our underlying fears that lead to negative thought patterns that undercut our efforts. He also discusses the psychological barriers of implicit, attribution, and confirmation bias and other barriers and antidotes, often the key aspect of which is awareness and ways we can flip the script.
Christian then turns to solution. It begins with a focus on strategy, clarity on how we hope to move a conversation toward our goal that includes what we do, say, and how we say it. He argues that negotiation is never about compromising core values or accepting mistreatment. We start with building trust. He differentiates between level one and level two communication. Level one is about understanding to strengthen the relationship. Level two is about persuasion to change behaviors and beliefs, which can only happen on a foundation of level one. The goal is a collaborative rather than combative conversation. He talks about how to begin by outlining situation plus impact plus invitation., focusing on one person at a time and one topic and calling in rather than calling out. Then he comes to the essential part of having effective conversations which is to mobilize compassionate curiosity which focuses on acknowledging and validating emotions, getting curious with compassion about our feelings and why these bother us, and then using joint problem solving to care for each other. He addresses the mistakes we can make and how to avoid them–for example speaking different languages (e.g. what we mean by “privilege”).
The final part of the book focuses on how we take action to advocate for positive change. One of the most sensible observations here is that the perfect is unrealistic and that we should focus on better. He then concludes with the role of difficult conversations in equity discussions. This involves collaborating rather than competing and how we become and recruit good allies. An appendix applies the principles of the book to practical workplace scenarios.
There is so much to appreciate about this book. It is realistic, focusing on the necessity of difficult conversations. Avoiding them often leads to worse outcomes. It is positive, focusing on collaborative problem solving rather than blame or shame. It is focused on identifying barriers to progress rather than trying to change how the world feels about race. It values relationships and what we may learn from one another with its key practice of compassionate curiosity. The book is filled with examples that most in the workplace can identify with. Finally, it offers both the grace to make mistakes and learn, and the hope that difficult conversations can lead to change and deeper understanding–that these conversations are an opportunity. This is a resource that ought to be on the shelf or desk of any workplace leader–within easy access until the “playbook” becomes ingrained.
Kwame Christian is the founder and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. Trained as a lawyer, he works as a mediator in legal negotiations and teaches negotiation skills. He’s also a Black man who actually avoided race conversations because they were so emotionally taxing, until his wife confronted him with the inconsistency of telling people they needed to have difficult conversations in negotiations but avoiding difficult conversations about race. When he first presented these ideas, he took a different approach. He told people that he was not going to tell them how to think about race but was going to show them how to talk about race. Those first presentations eventually led to this book.
The book is organized around three straightforward parts: the problem, the solution, and taking action. In the first part he addresses our resistance to and need for having difficult conversations about race. He proposes that we do so because we care about our colleagues and our relationships with colleagues, we care about fairness, and we care about progress in our organization. One of Christian’s key observations is that progress only happens when people are persuaded to implement changes. For this, a winning mindset is critical, in which people are convinced that difficult conversations can lead to progress and not trauma. It means accepting that if one party thinks race is at issue in the conversation, then it is. It means a willingness to make mistakes. He offers help in identifying our underlying fears that lead to negative thought patterns that undercut our efforts. He also discusses the psychological barriers of implicit, attribution, and confirmation bias and other barriers and antidotes, often the key aspect of which is awareness and ways we can flip the script.
Christian then turns to solution. It begins with a focus on strategy, clarity on how we hope to move a conversation toward our goal that includes what we do, say, and how we say it. He argues that negotiation is never about compromising core values or accepting mistreatment. We start with building trust. He differentiates between level one and level two communication. Level one is about understanding to strengthen the relationship. Level two is about persuasion to change behaviors and beliefs, which can only happen on a foundation of level one. The goal is a collaborative rather than combative conversation. He talks about how to begin by outlining situation plus impact plus invitation., focusing on one person at a time and one topic and calling in rather than calling out. Then he comes to the essential part of having effective conversations which is to mobilize compassionate curiosity which focuses on acknowledging and validating emotions, getting curious with compassion about our feelings and why these bother us, and then using joint problem solving to care for each other. He addresses the mistakes we can make and how to avoid them–for example speaking different languages (e.g. what we mean by “privilege”).
The final part of the book focuses on how we take action to advocate for positive change. One of the most sensible observations here is that the perfect is unrealistic and that we should focus on better. He then concludes with the role of difficult conversations in equity discussions. This involves collaborating rather than competing and how we become and recruit good allies. An appendix applies the principles of the book to practical workplace scenarios.
There is so much to appreciate about this book. It is realistic, focusing on the necessity of difficult conversations. Avoiding them often leads to worse outcomes. It is positive, focusing on collaborative problem solving rather than blame or shame. It is focused on identifying barriers to progress rather than trying to change how the world feels about race. It values relationships and what we may learn from one another with its key practice of compassionate curiosity. The book is filled with examples that most in the workplace can identify with. Finally, it offers both the grace to make mistakes and learn, and the hope that difficult conversations can lead to change and deeper understanding–that these conversations are an opportunity. This is a resource that ought to be on the shelf or desk of any workplace leader–within easy access until the “playbook” becomes ingrained.
October 23, 2022
Every workplace interaction can be perceived as cross-cultural negotiation: requiring communication and conflict resolution skills for effective communication. Kwame Christian’s "How to Have Difficult Conversations About Race" offers practical tips for professionals to navigate contentious and uncomfortable discussions about race and the impacts of racism at work. He notes that creating positive change must be modeled by leaders, who are often reluctant to talk about issues concerning race. Working on systemic change, one must be ready to face skepticism, criticism, and resistance. A leading expert in negotiation in business and legal settings, Christian brings best practices in persuasive communication to advance diversity and inclusion efforts in the workplace.
Christian’s perspective on successful negotiation is anchored in psychology, communication studies, and conflict resolution. I read the book from my vantage point as a seasoned diversity practitioner. It was refreshing to approach emotionally charged racial equity discussions from a negotiation expert’s perspective. The author offers examples of real-world scenarios that touch on employee relations, and operational and management concerns. Christian has an extensive background in leadership development, and this is reflected in the way the book is written: straightforward, pragmatic, and outcome-oriented. The wealth of strategies included in the book apply to various contexts and are essential in conversations about race.
Christian’s perspective on successful negotiation is anchored in psychology, communication studies, and conflict resolution. I read the book from my vantage point as a seasoned diversity practitioner. It was refreshing to approach emotionally charged racial equity discussions from a negotiation expert’s perspective. The author offers examples of real-world scenarios that touch on employee relations, and operational and management concerns. Christian has an extensive background in leadership development, and this is reflected in the way the book is written: straightforward, pragmatic, and outcome-oriented. The wealth of strategies included in the book apply to various contexts and are essential in conversations about race.
March 8, 2023
I read this book with the Racial Justice group at my church, discussing in 3 parts. We all really enjoyed it because it was action oriented, providing strategies to best approach difficult conversations about race. I appreciated that many examples of situations and Kwame's calm and rational approach to these emotional topics. I found particularly helpful the advice around acknowledging the other person's feelings first and that you can't flood them with facts they aren't ready to receive. In our group discussions we thought about where we could apply what we learned, and felt both empowered and the responsibility to use our voices to speak up when we encounter conversations about race. My book is full of highlights, and will be good to reference back to when I need a reminder on how to have more productive conversations related to race, whether it is at work or in other environments.
October 25, 2022
This book takes on a subject that many try their best to avoid…but that is not always possible or the best course of action. The author is Kwame Christian. He founded the American Negotiation Institute so he seems well qualified and credentialed to be a reader’s guide.
This is truly a helpful book. It is practical and filled with ideas. Credos to the author for making something that can feel difficult seem doable, essential and worthwhile. Note that while this title takes a perspective on work place conversation, I think that it can be applied more broadly.
Many thanks to NetGalley and BenBella Books for this title. All opinions are my own.
This is truly a helpful book. It is practical and filled with ideas. Credos to the author for making something that can feel difficult seem doable, essential and worthwhile. Note that while this title takes a perspective on work place conversation, I think that it can be applied more broadly.
Many thanks to NetGalley and BenBella Books for this title. All opinions are my own.
October 15, 2022
Kwame Chriatian always has insightful, actionable ideas and input around negotiation and his new book, How to Have Difficult Conversations About Race, follows in that same vein of being wildly helpful.
Kwame guides us through biases, levels of communication, his Compassionate Curiosity framework, and specific scenarios by giving us specific steps, impactful stories, and enough information for us to be confident in our actions. This book will love on my bookshelf and I know I will go back and reference it often. It is truly one of the most important leadership books ever written.
Kwame guides us through biases, levels of communication, his Compassionate Curiosity framework, and specific scenarios by giving us specific steps, impactful stories, and enough information for us to be confident in our actions. This book will love on my bookshelf and I know I will go back and reference it often. It is truly one of the most important leadership books ever written.
November 21, 2023
Kwame Christian narrators the audiobook and while it was a great book to listen to, I wish I had a paper copy to highlight and underline important ideas. Kwame gives you discussion questions, actionable ideas, strategies to use in having these difficult conversations. He shows you how to aim your discussions with compassion and curiosity to have a more positive impact in your workplace. I also think these items are important in all aspects of life and can be used with many relationships. I hope to read this again in the future as needed and to access the resources he mentioned online.
December 8, 2023
I went through this books in a workplace book club. It’s got practical advice about how to be more intentional about how we communicate about race (and other identity focused characteristics). I find myself trying to be more intentional in the way I’m communicating following my read through of this book.
February 15, 2023
The scope of the book is very much focused on creating change in a corporate workplace. Within that scope, it offers compassionate and strategic techniques to guide difficult conversations, which are applicable in working towards equity in other contexts as well.
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January 1, 2023Interesting concepts gave
me great ideas.
me great ideas.
January 20, 2023
Practical, easy to read, handy tools for starting and continuing difficult conversations.
May 28, 2023
Lots of practical strategies for having these conversations.
January 1, 2024
A book that can apply to any subject not just race. Does a great job putting topics into perspectives.
October 16, 2023
Learned a lot about race and what’s okay/ not okay from this read!
May 15, 2025
What a well written and informative book. I have passages highlighted galore to reference for various trainings.The examples are well thought out. The structure of the book is easy to follow. I think at lot of the information is applicable to many difficult conversations.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews