With and Without Her: A Memoir of Being and Losing a Twin

by Dorothy Foltz-Gray

This is a story that, when told directly, shuts people up, the kind of story that drives people to change the subject, or cross the street when they see the teller coming. In 1949, author Dorothy Foltz-Gray and her identical twin sister, Deane, were born. In 1981, Deane, then a psychologist, was fatally shot by one of her patients. In the years between, the pair formed an almost supernaturally close bond, one so intimate that at times, their memories fused and their individual identities dimmed.
Here, Foltz-Gray, an award-winning poet and journalist, recounts not only the extraordinary phenomenon of growing up in a world that could not distinguish her from another human being, but also the struggle to survive the loss of her twin. Foltz-Gray describes the imagined womb life she and her sister shared, their childhood and family, and their dreams of sharing each other’s lives. She also details the nightmare of her sister’s death, its immediate aftermath, and her attempts to recover her self.
With and Without Her is the story of what happens when a life divides into before and after. It is a story of identity and individuation, confusion and competition, intimacy and separation, violence and murder. Most of all, it is the story we all face, of loss and survival.

Genres: Nonfiction

197 pages, Paperback

First published September 6, 2012

About the author

Dorothy Foltz-Gray has been a freelance writer and editor specializing in health, fitness, food, and personal essays for 18 years. A former editor of books and magazines at Whittle Communications in Knoxville, Tennessee, she is also the author of Clean Sweep; Make Pain Disappear; Alternative Treatments for Arthritis: An A to Z Guide; and co-author of Food Cures. Her work has appeared in More; O, The Oprah Magazine; Reader's Digest; Redbook; Good Housekeeping ; Parenting; Prevention; Real Simple; Woman's Day; Bon Appetit; Cooking Light; Health; Ladies Home Journal; and others. She is a winner of the American Society of Journalists and Authors 2013 Prize for Memoir/Autobiography, the Tennessee Arts Commission Fellowship for Poetry, among other prizes. She lives in Asheville, North Carolina, with her husband, Dan.

Reviews

[Jamie Zane Brazell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is exquisitely written. I read it slowly to savor all of the feelings. It is a tribute to love and relationship, a tale of devastating loss and efforts to find meaning and face emotions. I will always remember this book.

[D'Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a shame that this book is so hard to find in print now because it's really quite good.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's weird to find a book that nobody has rated, or not even commented on...I'll be honest, I only found this book by a reading app suggesting it for me. Since I enjoy memoirs I gave it ago, and I don't regret it! As it's a book about the grieving of her identical twin, you can imagine that writing this was a difficult process for Foltz-Gray. The memoir shows her struggles in finding her identity without her twin when she's alive, and then also without after she's brutally murdered. It's a struggle not many of us find ourselves dealing with, since most people are not identical twins. The author's use of language is poetic and saturnine. I always enjoy a book in which I can learn about another person's life. It's a bonus if it can move me and teach something about life.

[Jon Riley · Rating 5 out of 5]

A marvelous story of a real life family and murder of an identical twin. The writing is extraordinary! Foltz-Gray is a writer's writer par excellence.

I read this in 2014 and somehow overlooked posting this preview. apologies to this world-class author.

[Susan Kosma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating true story of a woman losing her twin. Beautifully written.

[Lois · Rating 4 out of 5]

Deeply moving story of a twins grief

The writing style is easily accessible which is surprising given the emotional depth of the subject, the death of a twin.