Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart

by Heather Arnel Paulsen

Have you ever given your heart to someone who didn't love you back? Do you feel like you've experienced heartache over and over again? If you are emotionally attached to someone, it's easy to cross the line and become emotionally intimate. Then if the relationship doesn't work out, you're left with scars on your heart. The church teaches us the importance of physical purity; but it teaches little about emotional purity. Christian singles often wear their hearts on their sleeves, which can lead to intense, emotionally intimate, male-female "friendships" with no commitment to pursuing marriage. People may have had several of these "friendships" and still consider themselves pure, but in reality they have given away pieces of their hearts that should be reserved for their future spouses. Emotional Purity will show you how to define and set boundaries in your relationships to avoid making the same mistakes. Learn how to guard your heart and keep it emotionally pure. Using fictional and real-life examples along with sound biblical advice, author Heather Arnel Paulsen outlines the pitfalls of undefined relationships and presents guidelines for living an emotionally pure life.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christianity, Christian Non Fiction, Christian Living, Theology

160 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2001

About the author

Heather Arnel Paulsen is committed to encouraging Christian singles to pursue emotional purity, and she enjoys mentoring and counseling young women. In 2003 she married her husband, John. The couple lives in Illinois with their two young children, whom Heather looks forward to homeschooling. Visit the author’s web site at www.emotionalpurity.blogspot.com.

Reviews

[Arielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

First of all, I do think the concept and basic idea of this book is good. I believe in purity, and think that you should strive to keep pure not only physically but emotionally as well. Many people tend to overlook the emotional aspect.

BUT

There are some dangerous ideas in this book that could be harmful if taken too seriously. I for one would not let my daughter read it without us discussing it heavily together. The author goes *way* overboard on guarding your heart. Yes we need to guard our hearts closely, but if you close off every little feeling, eventually your heart will become hard and cold as stone. And when the right guy comes by, you won't even be open to the blessings God has for you. God gave us the ability to feel things and experience emotions. It is a good thing, not evil. There is nothing wrong with having a crush on a boy when you are a teenager. Yes you might get hurt and believe me young love can be painful. But you know what? It doesn't destroy you, it's not the end of the world. Your "future husband" isn't going to be upset and disappointed that you had previous crushes. It doesnt make you damaged goods. Come on people. We're talking about young love, "I like him/he is cute/He smiled at me squeee" it's not like you are making a HUGE life mistake that will haunt you all your life. This book is over dramatic and just plain silly. Keeping yourself emotionally pure can also be motivated by simply not wanting to get hurt. That is selfish and immature. Life hurts. Period. You can't avoid it. God will always get you through it. Having fear is sin anyway isn't it? Why can't you just trust God with your feelings? Why is that not enough?

I also didn't like the idea of every time you feel something for someone you give a piece of your heart away, an eventually there won't be anything left. That is NOT true. I love God, my husband, my parents, my daughter, my friends, extended family...and oh well by the time I have another child there just won't be any left! Sorry! That is just dumb. If you have the love of God in your heart, your love will never run out.

So yes I believe in keeping your emotions in check, but please girls, don't take it too seriously. Trust God, but don't fear what you feel.

[Ryan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book going in. I really did. I knew there was more to romantic-like interactions than most books on dating and relationships cover and I wanted to read a solid analysis of that.

This book was a complete strikeout though. Terrible. The worst part was she used Scripture out of context left and right and twisted it to support her arguments. That is the fastest way to get on my bad book list. I'm sure there was no malicious intent but that doesn't make it good hermeneutics.

The other part I disliked was that the way I read it, she basically advocated for men and women to stonewall each other emotionally if there is no commitment present. Wisdom and caution are definitely needed in this area but I didn't feel like this was the solution to preventing broken hearts. I think broken hearts are just going to be part of this sinful world even if everyone had perfect intentions. My opinion is that any kinds of relationships between sinful humans are going to be messy and there's a certain amount of that that we aren't going to be able to get rid of.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Usually books on relationships fascinate me, and I finish them in a few days. Not this one. The writing isn't concise. The fiction illustrations seem quite far-fetched. Some of the conclusions are simply not logical. I agree that the mind is a battlefield, and that thought control is necessary for a person whether single or married, but there's not much practical help here for that. The author seems to equate mental fantasy and emotional attachment. By all means, try to keep a check on your imaginations; live in the here and now not some romantic fantasy. But don't lock up that part of you to avoid getting hurt. Emotions are part of a person and part of every relationship regardless of the level. The argument that mystery brings greater intimacy after marriage might or might not be true, but keeping things hidden or secret just for the sake of keeping it to yourself until later isn't necessarily laudable. Mental purity has been addressed in other books with more clarity and practicality. I think that appropriate levels of emotional reserve will follow in the wake of appropriate boundaries in the physical and mental arenas.

[Cary · Rating 5 out of 5]

If there's a poem I've learned back in high school that I'll never forget, I think it's the poem entitled When I Was One and Twenty by A.E. Houseman. It goes like this:
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say,
“Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free.” But I was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me. When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
“The heart out of the bosom
Was never given in vain;
’Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue.” And I am two-and-twenty,
And oh, ’tis true, ’tis true.

This book reminds me of the message of the poem. God-honoring relationship does n0t only require keeping our physical body pure but also keeping our em0ti0ns pure and well guarded. Emoti0nal intimacy must be also reserved before marriage to avoid further pain caused by failed relationships.

[Elizabeth Betta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think everyone needs to read this book at least once in their life. There is so many good quotes, reminders, and truths that people (especially this genertation) need to hear daily! I really enjoyed this book and walked away with a new mind set. It's literally SO good! I can't tell you how many times I just sat there and thought about it. This book sets the bar high and holds people accountable for their actions while also encouraging them through their relationships with people. I really learned a lot through it and was impacted for the best!
Ages: 13+ (For relating purposes and preparing for your spouse while your still young)

[Meredith · Rating 2 out of 5]

The concept of this book was great but the execution was horrible. Scripture out of context, very little practicality, and based on the alternative dating chapter I'm pretty sure the author isn't married. I struggled to connect with her because of that. I think one of the struggles with dating and relationships is people want the benefits without the heart break. Relationships are messy, scary, and are going to be hard. Emotions are important in life and play a critical role. Are there things you shouldn't discuss at certain points and if there is no commitment, absolutely. Should you be wise in your approach to the opposite sex especially if you don't see the potential? Yes. But I think the author went a little to far in some of this book. I felt like she was afraid of being hurt, and the fact of life is when you do love someone you give them permission to hurt you and vise versa. Love is messy but it is also a beautiful thing.

[Becky Hintz · Rating 2 out of 5]

A reviewer named "Arielle" already said much of what I'd want to say about the overstatements in this book... The only thing I'd add is that the hermeneutics the author employs are absolutely terrible. "Twisting Scripture" doesn't begin to cover it. (Note: From what I understand, the reprint by Crossway corrects some of the grosser errors and overstatements.)

I DO think we need to encourage young people to keep themselves free from a string of emotional entanglements, and this author DOES make some good points about contentment. That said, I still wouldn't give this book to my daughter simply because the author tries to make "emotional purity" a "thus saith the Lord" biblical issue rather than a wisdom one. We need to be extremely careful of using God's words to support our own theories--this is a fast-track path to legalism.

[Amy Etzel · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is potentially dangerous. I wholeheartedly agree that emotional boundaries are important, but this book goes way too far to the point of damaging healthy guy/girl interactions. It builds up one coffee date as giving away part of your heart or instantly heading down the path toward marriage. This book had some helpful points, but the overarching language used completely negates any merit.

[marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most Christians think about purity being physical, but that isn't always the case. The author, Heather, talks about how women need to guard their heart so they don't unconsciously give it away. I thought this was a very good book as it is also a wonderful reminder for me to check my emotions. As the author talks about (and I've realized), daydreaming is a very unhealthy and counter-productive activity that can make one become self-centered and at a loss of mental energy. It just isn't worth it. The author encourages you to be content and happy while being single or you won't be content when married. She suggests that while being single, you should get involved in ministry and have a servants heart. I would suggest that everyone read this book!

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most people think that purity is just physical. As long as you keep yourself physically pure until your wedding day, then you're good to go. But this book changed my perspective even more. Purity also goes deeper - to our emotions. I know that this book can really blow your heads off because it expressed high standards on purity. But we have an excellent God and no mediocre standard would do. I know that because I’ve been lead by my emotions for far too long. It’s time to end it. So yeah, to all the girls out there, if you're following your heart for a long time, I recommend this book. It's time to guard our hearts and surrender it fully to God. :)

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was interesting. I am not sure I agree with everything she wrote, but it definitely led to some interesting things to think about, especially waiting on the lord and embracing your single years.

[Alaina Webb · Rating 2 out of 5]

Definitely a book with wisdom pertaining to dating and marriage, but this book really focuses on the author’s own personal mental battles and fantasies when it comes to men and how she worked through them. Which, isn’t wrong but the book seems to be more of the author giving examples of her heartbreaks and how she healed from them vs. insight and application to God’s word regarding our emotions and heart.

Also, the author does deeply break down the verse Proverbs 4:23- in the context of dating/relationships/marriage and makes it seem like that is what that verse is PURELY for. Which yes- that verse can definitely pertain to that topic, but also that verse has a different meaning in my opinion. To guard our hearts is to guard our hearts with the word of God as protection from the sin of this world. It’s not a bad thing to have emotions and feeling’s- the Lord put them in us! The author paints the picture and idea that we should be guarding our hearts to the point where we do not feel emotions/ feelings. Also, she acts as if it’s wrong to have attraction towards the opposite gender if you aren’t progressing towards the goal of marriage. Personally, I believe that is not wrong.. especially if God put the desire in us to be married and this is His design. If you have an attraction towards another believer, then invite the Lord into it and ask for His discernment. Seek wise council and community about it that are other Believers. It does not mean you are “emotionally impure.” It is a matter of how you control that attraction in regards to your relationship with God. If you can’t control an attraction towards another Believer, then you should work on the Fruit of the Spirit Self-control.


Another thing to comment on- this book makes it seem like you should fear men? Which, if that’s the case then should we only be seeking a body of Believers that is women only? No. The only thing we should fear is the Lord. And if we trust the Lord to be faithful and we have the desire to be married, He will provide a man. My last thought: The Lord created Man and Woman, He knew that we would have feelings/attraction towards the other because that’s His design. It is not wrong or sinful in any shape or form to do so. It is wrong and sinful when we don’t give the Lord room to speak into those feelings/thoughts in our hearts and minds- and keep them all to ourselves then start entertaining those thoughts/feelings.

Yes, guard your heart as a Believer but guard your heart purely because you desire purity and intimacy with the Lord first and want Him to speak into your heart within all things. There are so many other worldly things to be guarding your heart from- men aren’t the only one?… Your emotional purity will not be ruined because you were attracted to other people of the opposite gender before you met your future spouse.

Done with my rant now lol

[Katrina Swartzentruber · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book that provides perspective for young people today. This matter is something that is very prevalent in the church today and people should be aware of it. However, I don’t agree with all of Paulsen’s opinions- and that’s what they are - opinions. She uses scripture to back up some of her ideas but the majority of them are taken out of context and proof texted to fit her ideas. She takes a very extreme approach which I think could be done well if held in the balance of common sense and normal life. The majority of the book is spent talking about when emotional purity is wrong and very little time discussing how to do it right. The points she makes on doing it right are valid, but I personally would take a different approach that seems more practical. I do not recall the gospel and it’s redeeming power ever being mentioned (if it was, it was very little). Overall, decent book that can be helpful if read in light of the fact that these are just the opinions of a lady.

[Autumn · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is an amazing Book actually, makes you think over some things.. I would recommend this book to single/married. It does have some good advice. People who do try to live by the Bible, should try to also stay pure with thoughts, and we can avoid certain temptations if we watch our daily walk everyday. Remember in Proverbs 3:6 in all your ways acknowledge him [Lord], and he will make your paths straight.

If your spending time with a person or things, that might lead you to certain areas of temptations. Its good to recognize it right away and look into the BIble and see what it teaches. Like guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

[glenda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good way to be reminded, again.

[An Te · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written specifically for women in mind, (with special sections for men), this is an important on the importance of emotional intentions in relationships. Emotional purity and the clarity of intention for any relationship is critical. This is particularly well argued for by Heather with lucid examples and personal reflections on her own journey from singleness, courting and marriage. Without a doubt, no one wishes to be in an undefined relationship. Boundaries are healthy and emotions should be reserved and hearts reserved for future spouses. It will all work out well if this is the case. Less harm, and more of God's great blessings for His people.

Helpful, instructive, pastoral and highly relevant for today's independent single generation and the culture of loose relationships.

Despite the inestimable importance of the subject matter, I omit the fifth star as I feel Heather projects a strong 'protectionism', which may be taken too far by readers. What I mean is that by overly guarding one's heart, one can become over-cautious in not offering one's heart to another at all. We ought to have the faith that Jesus can heal any and cover over the deepest, most painful heart wounds. I think we were designed to offer our hearts to others, as Christ as done the same for us to the greater glory for God's name and our betterment. Despite this minor criticism, it is a necessary counter-cultural book for any discerning Christian embarking any relationship (including those with faithful spouses!)

[Grace]

I really enjoyed the book. I did not agree with all the points, but overall a good read!

[Jaymee Pilarta · Rating 4 out of 5]

"God showed me how to have peace. I knew that God would not keep me single a day longer than he planned. Contentment, peace, and joy replaced frustration, worry, and discontent.

[Tianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, it has given me hope that the normal round of what happens between men and women isn't what we are destined for. I loved the philosophy that not only do you have to protect your physical purity, but also your emotional purity. The Theory is that you guard your heart from casual relationships so that when you are married you can give your mate your ENTIRE being, your heart, mind, soul, and body. It sounds to me that it will make marriage a more beautiful experience than I ever imagined. This book was a wonderful follow up to "When God Writes your Love Story) its a lot more to do with application of the principles in that book. (note: this book is not in actuality a follow up/ sequel to When God Writes your Love Story it was simply a great book to read next)

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

Paulsen writes this book from her own experience and gears the book towards women. A few chapters have a section at the end "FOR GUYS ONLY" which helped add to my own reading experience. Paulsen thoroughly examines the topic of emotional purity in relationships and takes a look at how many young adults in todays culture are being defrauded of their emotions without commitment. She does a decent job of pulling scripture but lists them in bunches rather than sprinkling the verses throughout the book. I enjoyed the book and it helped freshen my own view on relationships and emotion purity. Only 150 pages so worth the read even if the book isn't a 5-star.

[Fruzan Audrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, I got to finish this book. This book helps me a lot in every aspect of life, especially regarding relationships with the opposite sex. There are a lot of times I misunderstood or got myself hurt from unnecessary pain because of I'm giving up my emotional purity to someone then this book help me understand the importance of guarding our hearts and our emotional purity in any extreme pain.
I realize the importance of guarding our emotional purity because this would affect our future marriage this book help me a lot to be reminded that God has great timing and is the author of our love story so we must trust in Him in our life.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I started reading this book with a pretty skeptical and negative attitude, but I was pleasantly surprised. I've never really thought of the idea of "emotional purity," but it is a good idea. I do think she takes it a bit too far at times, but it is a good basis for opposite sex relationships. I also liked that her focus was on dependence on God, not on getting married. So other than being in badly need of an editor (the mistakes were rather distracting), it was a very interesting and thought-provoking book.

[Leah Vallone Eckenrode · Rating 4 out of 5]

wellll, I think everyone should read this book. There are 'for guys only' sections so it is friendly to guys and girls. I think for the most part everyone struggles with emotional purity (just being blunt, lol), and this book will at least enlighten you on emotional purity because there are not that many books (or anything - except the Bible, of course) that teaches on this subject. and I gave it 4 starts because she in a okay writer, not bad, but okay.

[Maui Rochell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first borrowed this book last October 4 and I received it unexpectedly last November 4 and finished it yesterday. I already heard the idea about emotional purity but I don't have much clue about what it is about before reading. I prayed before starting that God will boldly speak to me and He really did that I stopped reading so many times because the rebukes were just too heavy to take. And I have no regrets on reading this one because I learned a lot and now, it's application time!

[Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing. It really gets to the heart of the matter concerning purity. The author gets straight to the point and doesn't beat around the bush. I really appreciate what she wrote about. Try to get the most updated version you can. She recently added two more chapters now that she's married and they're REALLY good.

[Ivane · Rating 4 out of 5]

"You want to avoid pain in your dating relationships, you are going to have to make a change. You can’t take the same path and expect a different outcome. You must take a totally new course."

Here's to being wise by not investing on undefined relationships which will hurt you in the end! Let our hearts be blessed. :)

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was perfect. It's about becomeing emotionaly attached ( to a member of the oposite sex ) and at what time in a relationship that should be allowed to happen.
It's about guarding your heart , and how most people only think to save the phisical, not the emotional for marriage.

[Brandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing!! I highly recommend this book to girl who wants to keep their emotions pure and right before God. This book will show how to define and set boundaries in relationships, and how to avoid making the same mistakes.

[B.B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being emotionally pure before marriage is what this book is all about, and I agree wholeheartedly. I was a little confused sometimes about what she was trying to get across and how she was dealing with our questions, but I got the gist of it. Great book!

[Alex Lyons · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book is a really good book to read when you are having probles with purity.