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Magnetic Partners: Discover How the Hidden Conflict That Once Attracted You to Each Other Is Now Driving You Apart
Do you and your partner argue about the same things over and over again? Are you often confused about why your partner is so angry with you? Are things getting worse and worse even though you’ve tried everything you can think of to make them better?
In this breakthrough guide to repairing romantic relationships, therapist and marriage researcher Dr. Stephen Betchen presents a powerful new explanation of what leads to this kind of escalating conflict in couples and how you can repair your relationship and find a whole new level of happiness. Based on his extensive experience as a couples’ therapist, Dr. Betchen has discovered that the prevailing idea that opposites attract is wrong. Instead, one of the strongest forces that attracts people to one another is that they share a hidden, inner conflict in their lives—an unconscious struggle within themselves that each of them developed growing up—which he calls a "master conflict."
The fact that a couple shares a master conflict acts as an almost magnetic force of attraction, but, over time, master conflicts often begin to push a pair apart—many of the very things you most appreciated about each other start to grate on you, producing increasing hostility. The good news is that by identifying the master conflict that you share, you and your partner can take the steps to break the cycle of fighting and come to a new place of understanding and happiness in your relationship. Often, just the realization that you have this hidden conflict acts as a powerful cure, allowing you to appreciate each other once again and to be empathetic about the things that have been irritating you both.
From his years of work with couples, Betchen has identified the nineteen most common master conflicts—such as getting your needs met vs. caretaking; giving vs. withholding; commitment vs. freedom; power vs. passivity—and for each he provides vivid stories of couples who have struggled with them, as well as simple tests that help you
• Identify the core master conflict that is causing your relationship problems
• Understand the origins of your conflict and how it drew you to your partner
• Diagnose how the conflict is now pushing you apart
• Come to new terms with the conflict to save your relationship
As Dr. Betchen writes, knowledge of a master conflict is power, and Magnetic Partners is an empowering guide that will help you not only to identify and control your master conflict, but also to bring your relationship to a new level based on deeper understanding, ultimately leading to greater fulfillment and long-term resilience.
Partners
In this breakthrough guide to repairing romantic relationships, therapist and marriage researcher Dr. Stephen Betchen presents a powerful new explanation of what leads to this kind of escalating conflict in couples and how you can repair your relationship and find a whole new level of happiness. Based on his extensive experience as a couples’ therapist, Dr. Betchen has discovered that the prevailing idea that opposites attract is wrong. Instead, one of the strongest forces that attracts people to one another is that they share a hidden, inner conflict in their lives—an unconscious struggle within themselves that each of them developed growing up—which he calls a "master conflict."
The fact that a couple shares a master conflict acts as an almost magnetic force of attraction, but, over time, master conflicts often begin to push a pair apart—many of the very things you most appreciated about each other start to grate on you, producing increasing hostility. The good news is that by identifying the master conflict that you share, you and your partner can take the steps to break the cycle of fighting and come to a new place of understanding and happiness in your relationship. Often, just the realization that you have this hidden conflict acts as a powerful cure, allowing you to appreciate each other once again and to be empathetic about the things that have been irritating you both.
From his years of work with couples, Betchen has identified the nineteen most common master conflicts—such as getting your needs met vs. caretaking; giving vs. withholding; commitment vs. freedom; power vs. passivity—and for each he provides vivid stories of couples who have struggled with them, as well as simple tests that help you
• Identify the core master conflict that is causing your relationship problems
• Understand the origins of your conflict and how it drew you to your partner
• Diagnose how the conflict is now pushing you apart
• Come to new terms with the conflict to save your relationship
As Dr. Betchen writes, knowledge of a master conflict is power, and Magnetic Partners is an empowering guide that will help you not only to identify and control your master conflict, but also to bring your relationship to a new level based on deeper understanding, ultimately leading to greater fulfillment and long-term resilience.
Partners
- GenresRelationshipsSelf Help
240 pages, Hardcover
First published April 30, 2010
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
April 17, 2016
While still fundamentally a good read, the arguments and anecdotes in this book were filled with fallacies. I could go into a great deal of detail about so much of what was said. But I've noticed, simply, everything falls into a very simple to describe problem.
The author was grasping at anything to support his premise, even though the situations he was grasping from were fundamentally different. The central idea of "Conflict Theory", which his "Master Conflict Theory" develops upon, is that people have internal conflicts that shape our personality, he believes one conflict forms the absolute core of our personality. This also forms the core of our attraction to others, especially our romantic partners. There's nothing rationally wrong with this. The problem arises with his supporting arguments for this; they are paraconsistent. Theory proper, the conflicts should exist in both people. Yet supporting examples do not support this. Some couples, only one partner is consistent, leaning one way more than the other, and their partner is not conflicted, merely leaning the other. Other times, no partner is conflicted at all, they just can't work things out.
Things like this, are why single-blind and double-blind studies are done in real sciences. Anecdotes are never valid evidence.
I however do not regret my read. With a healthy dose of skepticism, there are things to be learned from this book. Treating conflicts as "dynamics" instead, a mode of primary interaction and attraction between others, yields a useful outlook and insight. As far as self help books go, this was one of the better ones.
The author was grasping at anything to support his premise, even though the situations he was grasping from were fundamentally different. The central idea of "Conflict Theory", which his "Master Conflict Theory" develops upon, is that people have internal conflicts that shape our personality, he believes one conflict forms the absolute core of our personality. This also forms the core of our attraction to others, especially our romantic partners. There's nothing rationally wrong with this. The problem arises with his supporting arguments for this; they are paraconsistent. Theory proper, the conflicts should exist in both people. Yet supporting examples do not support this. Some couples, only one partner is consistent, leaning one way more than the other, and their partner is not conflicted, merely leaning the other. Other times, no partner is conflicted at all, they just can't work things out.
Things like this, are why single-blind and double-blind studies are done in real sciences. Anecdotes are never valid evidence.
I however do not regret my read. With a healthy dose of skepticism, there are things to be learned from this book. Treating conflicts as "dynamics" instead, a mode of primary interaction and attraction between others, yields a useful outlook and insight. As far as self help books go, this was one of the better ones.
April 2, 2012
An outstanding book for those who seem to keep running into the same problems and arguments in marriage and are looking for a deeper explanation to what is causing it.
I will say the first half of the book seems to take a while dealing with case after case of people with certain issues. While it many ways it makes you feel better that maybe your relationship isn't so bad or is actually very positive, i began to wonder if all of it was necessary. What was the point... when you it get to my problems.
When it did, it was truly eye-opening... only a few pages of quick questions and the findings shocked me, not in a surprising way, but in a way that made me sit up and take notice of some things I am doing to spark or add fuel to the arguments I have with my wife.
I would have given this book 5 stars, if it had done more to help me understand how to work with and deal with those issues. There was some insight, and in some ways for some people it went into, should you try to save your relationship or just walk away.
I will give this book credit for another topic that it pointed out, under reacting to issues. I noticed a few and why it said those may be happening were stunning and gave me a lot to think about.
Good marriage or bad...each one can always be improved and this is one of the best books I've read on how you can take charge to do that.
I will say the first half of the book seems to take a while dealing with case after case of people with certain issues. While it many ways it makes you feel better that maybe your relationship isn't so bad or is actually very positive, i began to wonder if all of it was necessary. What was the point... when you it get to my problems.
When it did, it was truly eye-opening... only a few pages of quick questions and the findings shocked me, not in a surprising way, but in a way that made me sit up and take notice of some things I am doing to spark or add fuel to the arguments I have with my wife.
I would have given this book 5 stars, if it had done more to help me understand how to work with and deal with those issues. There was some insight, and in some ways for some people it went into, should you try to save your relationship or just walk away.
I will give this book credit for another topic that it pointed out, under reacting to issues. I noticed a few and why it said those may be happening were stunning and gave me a lot to think about.
Good marriage or bad...each one can always be improved and this is one of the best books I've read on how you can take charge to do that.
January 22, 2018
I listened to the audio book and I increased the speed to 1.25x because the narrator spoke so slow. While the book is okay the book sounds like a sales pitch to enter counseling and stay there for life.
The author says you must find your hidden conflict you and your partner/spouse have in order to move beyond them to stop sabotaging your relationship. While this is good I don't believe this necessarily is 100% related to challenges couples face.
The book talked a lot (too much) about clients seen in practice and was scant on practical advice on how to improve your relationship other than to engage in life-long counseling sessions.
I cannot recommend this book.
The author says you must find your hidden conflict you and your partner/spouse have in order to move beyond them to stop sabotaging your relationship. While this is good I don't believe this necessarily is 100% related to challenges couples face.
The book talked a lot (too much) about clients seen in practice and was scant on practical advice on how to improve your relationship other than to engage in life-long counseling sessions.
I cannot recommend this book.
May 12, 2016
This is a very interesting book and I recommend it. Betchen puts into words something I've felt intuitively for a long time - that we are often drawn to our romantic partners because of a shared internal conflict. These conflicts cause us to vacillate between extremes: for example, a conflict about emotional distance might cause a person to want to be very close to her partner at times and very avoidant at other times. Betchen's central thesis is that problems arise within partnerships when partners change their response to a shared emotional conflict, eg., when a partner with a control vs. passivity conflict switches from being passive to being controlling. I feel like this must relate to Freud's discussions on transference in a way that's more detailed than I can recall; it's definitely related to Imago Therapy developed by Harville and Hunt, which also has Freudian roots.
I find Magnetic Partners useful for the concept, itself, and for the book's descriptions of common conflicts, their typical origins, and their manifestations. I definitely hadn't thought of the idea of a resolution vs. misery conflict, and it's a relatable and useful way to process some of my relationship experiences as well as those I've observed in others.
My criticisms: Betchen acknowledged that some of the conflicts have heavy overlap or can resemble each other. For example, a legitimacy vs. illegitimacy conflict could look nearly identical to an acceptance vs. rejection conflict. I wonder why Betchen failed to address the idea that partners may be attracted to each other because of related conflicts that are actually not quite the same. For example, one partner might have a success vs. sabotage conflict while the other's is resolution vs. misery. Would it be more helpful to address those conflicts separately and describe their interrelation rather than choosing one label for a shared conflict? I don't know.
Which brings me to my second issue with the book - part of the reason I don't have much of a guess about the efficacy of folding two similar conflicts into one (sacrificing accuracy) vs. treating the conflicts as separate but related (sacrificing unity) is that Betchen gave virtually no advice about how to resolve these conflicts or, if not to resolve them, how to find a better way to live with them.
I'd love to read a follow-up that provided more details about his methods for treating his clients.
I find Magnetic Partners useful for the concept, itself, and for the book's descriptions of common conflicts, their typical origins, and their manifestations. I definitely hadn't thought of the idea of a resolution vs. misery conflict, and it's a relatable and useful way to process some of my relationship experiences as well as those I've observed in others.
My criticisms: Betchen acknowledged that some of the conflicts have heavy overlap or can resemble each other. For example, a legitimacy vs. illegitimacy conflict could look nearly identical to an acceptance vs. rejection conflict. I wonder why Betchen failed to address the idea that partners may be attracted to each other because of related conflicts that are actually not quite the same. For example, one partner might have a success vs. sabotage conflict while the other's is resolution vs. misery. Would it be more helpful to address those conflicts separately and describe their interrelation rather than choosing one label for a shared conflict? I don't know.
Which brings me to my second issue with the book - part of the reason I don't have much of a guess about the efficacy of folding two similar conflicts into one (sacrificing accuracy) vs. treating the conflicts as separate but related (sacrificing unity) is that Betchen gave virtually no advice about how to resolve these conflicts or, if not to resolve them, how to find a better way to live with them.
I'd love to read a follow-up that provided more details about his methods for treating his clients.
March 28, 2015
I was pleasantly surprised with this book. I didn't have high expectations going in. I found that this book really helped me discover myself and the source of my family's conflicts. The author's perspective is unique. I've read a fair number of relationship books, and I've never had someone present family conflict in the way he does. I also found his approach very insightful. By the end, I felt like I had a really clear picture of how I was contributing to the family conflict with my own uncontrolled master conflict. My only complaint about this book is that he doesn't spend enough time explaining what to do from here. He explains how to select a"better" partner if you decide to split (in great detail), but doesn't provide a lot of advice for those couples who choose to stay together. The only real advice he offers there is, learn to control your master conflict. All in all, a great read. I would highly recommend it to anyone experiencing conflict in their current relationship or who is trying to decide if they've selected a good mate.
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May 15, 2013Ugh. This one was annoying. It speaks mainly from the Freudian psychoanalytical framework and I feel that he forced everything into his 'master conflict' schema. I
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews