Intimacy and Power: The Dynamics of Personal Relationships in Modern Society

by Derek Layder

This book explores the nature of intimacy by revealing how the influence of individual, interpersonal and wider social factors create variations in self-disclosure, intimacy games and relationship habits. It describes how the dynamics of power and control in relationships give rise either to mutual satisfaction or to the unraveling of intimacy.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships

197 pages, Hardcover

First published August 28, 2009

Reviews

[Mark Kouns · Rating 5 out of 5]

Derek's insight into the intricacies and nuances of troubled relationship dynamics is stunning in it's accuracy. In all honesty this book helped me gain clarity and perspective after the end of an unhealthy long-term relationship. He found words to express things I couldn't, and perfectly describes games I was playing without my awareness. If you're someone who (like me) has had a history of toxic relationships, and you've matured enough to realize that having a history of toxic relationships means you are part of the problem, this book may provide some much needed insight.

[Theory Clarke · Rating 2 out of 5]

there’s nothing really groundbreaking here

[Servabo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Partnerships ultimately become defined by companionship rather than passion.

Marshall suggests there are different types of love. First, love may be defined in terms of the early days of honey moon passion (limerence) which lasts between a year and 18 months. This is characterized by a tendency for the couple to merge into a "oneness" where all differences are overlooked or ignored as two people blend into one. After this, what Marshall calls "loving attachment" usually takes over. The magic and brilliance of limerence is not enough to sustain a relationship, something more is needed. This is made all the more acute because as couples become long term they become aware of the need to accommodate their partner's differences and weaknesses in order to sustain intimacy. Also, loving attachment demands that the couple begin to grapple with the complexities of life and its practical demands, and this requires rather more than their love to keep them warm.

If the couple don't develop the necessary skills to sustain intimacy as relationships develop from limerence to loving attachment, then the quality of their loving attachment itself may suffer. When this is the case, love may be transformed into a third type - affectionate regard which is generally what we feel for parents, children, etc. This kind of love makes us want to care for someone, but we do not feel that our destiny is entwined with theirs in the same way as loving attachment.

As noted, those who feel that their relationship has dwindled into this often want to end it because it lacks passionate fulfillment and emotional satisfaction. On the other hand, many people endure such an unsatisfactory state of affairs while building up resentment and anger towards their partner. In such relationships there is a loss of communication, an inability to reach out to the other either physically or emotionally, and a tendency to detach and drift apart.

Marshall notes that issues around self-identity and difference often characterize relationships like this. One aspect of this is that some couples avoid open confrontation and pretend that their differences do not exist. But by not acknowledging differences, and confronting the ones that case trouble, it's easy to let the relationship drift. Another related problem is that either one or both will complain of having become a rather amorphous couple and losing their identity as a consequence. They fail to strike a balance between finding enough similarities with their partner to sustain a long term connection while, at the same time, having enough differences from them in order to stop the relationship stagnating.

Craib questions the central role that emotional satisfaction plays in the pure relationship. He noted that if there is any such thing as emotional satisfaction, it is of a transient nature. When its effects have peaked, it is always followed by its opposite, the feeling of dissatisfaction. In this sense satisfaction and dissatisfaction go hand in hand - simple satisfaction is never possible. The idea of complete satisfaction, especially in intimacy, always remains a fantasy never a reality, and to expect or demand it from our relationships is to seek the impossible.

Sometimes the inertia that keeps a relationship together stems from anxiety and fear of being on one's own. Thus any tie, no matter how unsatisfactory, is thought to be better than none at all. Also, individuals may lack confidence about attracting another partner - and so are prepared to tolerate their plight. Staying with an unsatisfying but known present is preferable to facing an unknown future in which anything might happen.