What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws

by Terri Apter

“The cover of What Do You Want from Me? should be stamped read before proceeding down the aisle.”― O, The Oprah Magazine When we marry, we believe the bond is between only two individuals. Few of us realize the power that in-laws exert over our lives. What Do You Want from Me? takes a fresh look at how the in-laws we acquire when we marry affect our quality of life―our marriage, family, personal comfort, and long-term well-being―for better or worse. Here is an essential book for husbands and wives, parents and children, seeking to strengthen the bonds of family.

Genres: Nonfiction

290 pages, Paperback

First published June 24, 2009

Reviews

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book addresses in-law contention with a focus on mother-in-law/daughter-in-law contention. I would recommend this to someone who is not yet married or who has only minor contention with in-laws. For me, it was not very practical and it seems the majority of the advice was appeasement-focused. The other downside was that it read like a dissertation-turned-seminar-lecture (like reading a professor's PowerPoint), which was terribly distracting and unengaging. I should have seen this coming when the author made apologies for her writing style in the preface. If you have serious/severe contention with your inlaws, try Toxic In-Laws by Susan Powers instead.

[Maureen Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked it up because the title is something I have wondered to myself. While I enjoyed the case studies and the feeling that, wow, some people have it waaay worse than I do, I was disappointed in the lack of follow through.

Did the strategies presented in the book work for anyone? How is it possible to broach this subject without causing hard feelings?

As I read the book I found I wanted less an answer to the question of the title and more tried and true strategies for coping with the answers you find when you ask the question, "What do you want from me?" .

[Allison Brown · Rating 2 out of 5]

Terri did a great job researching the topic and providing relevant info. I just didn’t enjoy the presentation. Many of the stories felt like I was reading a story in a popular magazine. It ended up having more stories than suggestions.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

ehhh... some useful suggestions, I think, but uninspired writing at best and I have to confess, if you're going to use anecdotal case studies, I kinda like to know how one or two of them ended up...

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

There can be love and communion and certainly plenty of familiarity with in-law relationships, and often by the nuances of their very design, according to Dr. Terri Apter, fraught with misattunment and conflict. Full disclosure that this book is cisgender and heteronormative. That being said, it highlights a lot for cisgender and heteronormative couples.
This book is based off of her interviews with 49 couples and their respective in-laws both from the United States and the United Kingdom. Her interviewees were from multiple races from both sides of the Atlantic. She read transcripts of the interviews for themes and theories to make sense out of the interviews into some cohesive element now published.
Plenty of identity-protected interviewees share their experiences, leading to a spark of possibly recognition and hopefully some empathy (both as the older in-laws or as a the younger one). No matter which generation you’re in, becoming an in-law is not easy.
Problems arise in insider-outsider dynamics, core conflictual relational themes (CCRTs), such as the intersection of work and gender, and loyalty binds of a spouse between the spouse and their family of origin. Women, socialized to perceive and respond to emotional worlds, end up being more perceptive of and participatory in the emotional climate between in-laws. This can veer into hurt feelings and misattunements easily when no ill will was intended. Men who are both husbands and sons may have a hard time taking double-perspectives and seeing his family of origin’s behavior as “just the way it is”. Caught in a double-bind whether they empathize with their spouse or react with anger or dismissiveness to their spouse’s unhappiness, men may try to stay out of all of it all together which is comfortable short-term but long-term corrodes relationships more.
Apter provides many useful exercises that flow around assertiveness and also empathy, how sons can learn to advocate for their spouse as much as their parents and take on double-perspectives of each, how couples can discuss the navigation of in-laws including accepting financial gifts, and how new in-laws can reality-check things said by another in-law: Do I have accuracy in what was meant, or am I triggered from my own past? Do I have to take this criticism on? How can I challenge in-law stereotypes and be kind and interested and accepting? That being said, this focuses more on qualitative normalization through narration rather than a robust how-to.
Citations and a bibliography are provided, but the internet URLs may be dated.

*** For more relationship resources, please visit my website, www.thecouplessyllabus.com ***

[Darcy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this would be a good read for brides-to-be, as it focuses mostly on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. The writing was a bit dry, but it reads fast (I finished it in two days). The first part of this book was the strongest. Apter explains that part of the problem with mother-in-laws is that they fear losing their son's loyalty and they are disappointed when their new daughter-in-law doesn't appreciate their past and present role as a mother. Because they feel vulnerable, they often resort to making demands, being intrusive, or sulking in order to illicit pity. When it comes to the question of "are you really a part of this family?" a mother-in-law will either try and reinforce the outsider status of her daughter-in-law or work exceptionally hard to make her fit into the family. Neither of which is an effective strategy and leads to a lot of hurt feelings. Apter's main goal throughout this book is to get those involved in in-law conflict to consider the other person's point of view. A lot of it was common sense though. The main new tidbit of information I took away from this book is that men are worse at creating distance from their parent's in their teenage years; therefore, they often end up relying their wife to do it for them. I hadn't considered that before, but in general I think it's true. I wish Apter had given more specific suggestions for resolving conflict, but I suppose every situation is so different that this would be hard to do. Most of her advice boils down to recognizing that you might be biased in your opinions, consider the other person's point-of-view, try to get your husband to support you, and just be nice. The main message in this book can be summed up as follows: when it comes to your in-laws, "have courage and be kind."

[Brittnee · Rating 2 out of 5]

This isn’t particularly helpful for those of us with supportive spouses. I may just need a book about dealing with difficult people. The search for answers continues!

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-researched, insightful, and practical- this book was life-changing.

[Shelby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written appreciated both the perspective of mother in law and daughter in law. Overall, provided great insight.

[JaNae · Rating 3 out of 5]

Picked this up from a display shelf at the library 'cause it caught my eye...I thought "all the answers"...hurray!!!

I think I've already figured out a lot of what she was saying but it was very interesting to see the studies done...nice to know that it's not just me or my family (or in-laws) that act this way! Can't say I found a lot of solutions in the book but I think the purpose was perhaps just recognizing where feelings and issues come from.

One thing that I know I've been surprised to find in in-law relationships that was validated in the book was how competitive we are as siblings. Each sibling has a position and an order and a role. When in-laws squeeze into the picture it's hard to realign the boundaries which can cause tension for the rest of our lives. Oh the joys of our own and others' marriages!!!

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a thought-provoking exploration of common in-law issues. Apter encourages readers to consider why an in-law might be behaving in a certain manner, and how understanding the other's perspective is the first step to collaborating towards a solution. I liked that Apter did not let the blood relative off the hook (usually the husband in her examples), and focused on the triangular nature of most in-law problems.

[Eve · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a well researched, well-thought out examination of the universal in-law problem(s) - from all sides, from all aspects. It has given me perspective that I should have had when I first got married. Better late than never, I suppose. At least I learned that I am not alone, and that it is a difficult task blending families and/or expanding them to include in-laws from both sides. Well worth reading.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Discussed in-law issues in depth, all in all it felt like an exploration of issues with self help as a secondary. Each section ends with strategies and suggestions though. It was actually a little stressful to read because of how much rang true for me. Definitely found it helpful in terms of learning to appreciate different perspectives and understand the complexity of in-law relationships better.

[RF]

I actually get along famously with my in-laws... but figured this'd be interesting nonetheless!

[Maggie Jones]

I need some help that I hope this book will deliver...

[Maggie Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

Focuses mostly on mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationships. Pretty interesting so far.

[Virginia]

Gave me some good insight but I would have liked more specific suggestions about how to handle conflict.

[Liz De Coster · Rating 2 out of 5]

For having a lot of examples, the overall book still felt a bit vague and unspecific (and too long).

[Libby Say · Rating 3 out of 5]

it was ok but a bit redundant.

[Jane]

hmm, some food for thought, especially if I ever become a MiL myself.

[Ellen]

Didn't finish it.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

If a person reads this book and thinks that it's only (or even mostly) about in-law relationships, then they've missed the point.

Conflict between people results in back-and-forth defensive maneuvers by the individuals involved. The most important observation presented by the book, then, is that a defensive action indicates a vulnerability. Nobody jumps out to defend something that isn't a weak point.

So if I'm conversing with a friend or family member, and they suddenly parry inexplicably, my first response shouldn't be to take offense and counterattack. My first response should be to note that the other person must have sensed an attack on one of their vulnerable points. On recognizing that, I am then free to address the vulnerability directly, often circumventing a confused fight.

Or if I'm talking with a family member and I dodge, my retrospection should not consist entirely of things like "Should I have dodged left when I instead dodged right?". Instead, I can ask myself "Why did I dodge at all? What weak point was I so quick to defend?" From there, my own point of vulnerability can be evaluated, and I can ask "Do I actually need to defend that point?" or "Is it really worth risking this relationship to make sure that this vulnerability is defended?" The answer will certainly vary by context, but at least these are the right kind of questions to be asking.

I'm glad to have gained another lens to look through when trying to improve relationships. The anecdotes in the book center around in-law relationships, but the thesis is clear, consistent, and well-supported by the examples presented.