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The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, Third Edition
One of the most valuable survival guides for men or women recovering from a partner's affair.
Featured on Oprah, 48 Hours, CNN, Fox News, and in USA Today
In this landmark book, Peggy Vaughan helps us to understand the stages of suspicion, confrontation, and the healing process necessary to recover, including rebuilding self-esteem, the marriage/divorce dilemma, and seeking professional help. Packed with practical, time-tested advice and successful strategies, this authoritative guide reveals:
You are not alone—estimates are that at least 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair.
People from all walks of life have affairs—devoted parents, religious individuals, regardless of income or social class.
Our society contributes to the prevalence of affairs.
An affair does not mean the end of a marriage.
Recovery is fueled by honest, open discussion of the affair.
Substantiated by case studies, ongoing research, and the author's own experience, this updated third edition includes information on the role of the Internet in relationships, shares the words of others who are recovering from affairs, and describes the six-step program for establishing communication between partners that can actually prevent affairs.
Featured on Oprah, 48 Hours, CNN, Fox News, and in USA Today
In this landmark book, Peggy Vaughan helps us to understand the stages of suspicion, confrontation, and the healing process necessary to recover, including rebuilding self-esteem, the marriage/divorce dilemma, and seeking professional help. Packed with practical, time-tested advice and successful strategies, this authoritative guide reveals:
You are not alone—estimates are that at least 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair.
People from all walks of life have affairs—devoted parents, religious individuals, regardless of income or social class.
Our society contributes to the prevalence of affairs.
An affair does not mean the end of a marriage.
Recovery is fueled by honest, open discussion of the affair.
Substantiated by case studies, ongoing research, and the author's own experience, this updated third edition includes information on the role of the Internet in relationships, shares the words of others who are recovering from affairs, and describes the six-step program for establishing communication between partners that can actually prevent affairs.
- GenresRelationships
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
October 27, 2008
Since I reviewed what I thought was the best "recovering from infidelty" handbook, I also added what I thought was the worst. This book is too easy on cheaters and doesn't encourage enough of owning the bad behavior.
September 8, 2016
Thankfully I don't have first hand experience with infidelity, but unfortunately I've witnessed it all too often among my friends. I was drawn to this book because of its title. I've also seen the author on various talk shows.
If you don't have a problem reading about a woman whose husband has about many affairs during their marriage then by all means read this book. I was thoroughly disgusted by the husband and at the end, by her. The author basically provides excuses and justifications for her husband's infidelity. This is a book which will infuriate anyone who has any sense of justice. Cheaters aren't asked to address their moral failings and weaknesses. They're basically given an out by blaming society instead. If you're interested in something more balanced and more likely to recover your marriage after an affair, read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and/or Torn Asunder. If you want a book on how to improve your marriage, check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman or His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Wilard Harley.
If you don't have a problem reading about a woman whose husband has about many affairs during their marriage then by all means read this book. I was thoroughly disgusted by the husband and at the end, by her. The author basically provides excuses and justifications for her husband's infidelity. This is a book which will infuriate anyone who has any sense of justice. Cheaters aren't asked to address their moral failings and weaknesses. They're basically given an out by blaming society instead. If you're interested in something more balanced and more likely to recover your marriage after an affair, read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and/or Torn Asunder. If you want a book on how to improve your marriage, check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman or His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Wilard Harley.
June 2, 2020
Very interesting book for someone who wants to understand infidelity in our society. It is more about seeing it from the outside and making sense of it all. Peggy Vaughan is exceptional in her ability to communicate and write. Reading her book feels lie you are talking to her. I enjoyed reading it very much and I am sure I will visit this book again in my shelf.
January 22, 2018
Great and informative book
I would recommend it to anyone in a relationship w a partner. It was quite eye opening for me and changed my perspective greatly.
I would recommend it to anyone in a relationship w a partner. It was quite eye opening for me and changed my perspective greatly.
June 25, 2013
I don’t think I could write anything more comprehensive than The Monogamy Myth. I was skeptical because of the date—1989 for the first printing, but it was great. It covers every potential situation regarding an affair—how people get into them, how people get out of them, how partners disclose, how to deal with disclosure, how to determine whether to stay or go, how to find help, how to know who to talk to, how to tell your kids, how to move on. It’s all there. You imagine it. She addresses it in accessible and sensible language. I was impressed with the breadth of her knowledge. She relies on personal experience, survey research, and stories from her Beyond Affairs Network. In essence, the book is so rooted in human experience that the advice will never be dated.
Her main point is to avoid personal blame and focus on the societal causes of an affair. I respect that point of view. I too write about the public health implications of infidelity. But that isn’t what she’s getting at. She writes about how society’s secrecy surrounding sex contributes to affairs, the fact that when we are children, parents do not speak openly about sex and then as teenagers we often feel like we have to hide the fact that we are having sex and then by the time we are grown and having affairs sex and secrecy go hand in hand. All of that is true, as is the assertion that women are seen as sex objects in our society; men are encouraged to interact with them in that way and women are encouraged to be sexy for attention which can lean men and women into affairs. I get that too. We also erroneously assume that monogamy is natural and when people make vows they intend to adhere to them. As a monogamy is unnatural advocate, I get that too, but I’m also an advocate of the person who had the affair taking more responsibility for their actions. No, it’s not the partner’s fault but the “perpetrator” has to take personal responsibility in a major way. When your lie hurts multiple people, you have to take responsibility for choosing to lie. Her argument is ironic because she suggests a commitment to honesty is the best anecdote to infidelity. If you can be held accountable for being honest, you can be held accountable for NOT being honest—societal issues aside. Of course, she’s not a psychotherapist so I can’t hold her accountable for not addressing attachment issues and personal trauma that can contribute to affairs because those issues are exceedingly personal. My critique is not of the book. It does what it’s supposed to do. I would personally prefer a work that does both—personal and societal, but that’s why there are hundreds of thousands of books on the topic.
Her main point is to avoid personal blame and focus on the societal causes of an affair. I respect that point of view. I too write about the public health implications of infidelity. But that isn’t what she’s getting at. She writes about how society’s secrecy surrounding sex contributes to affairs, the fact that when we are children, parents do not speak openly about sex and then as teenagers we often feel like we have to hide the fact that we are having sex and then by the time we are grown and having affairs sex and secrecy go hand in hand. All of that is true, as is the assertion that women are seen as sex objects in our society; men are encouraged to interact with them in that way and women are encouraged to be sexy for attention which can lean men and women into affairs. I get that too. We also erroneously assume that monogamy is natural and when people make vows they intend to adhere to them. As a monogamy is unnatural advocate, I get that too, but I’m also an advocate of the person who had the affair taking more responsibility for their actions. No, it’s not the partner’s fault but the “perpetrator” has to take personal responsibility in a major way. When your lie hurts multiple people, you have to take responsibility for choosing to lie. Her argument is ironic because she suggests a commitment to honesty is the best anecdote to infidelity. If you can be held accountable for being honest, you can be held accountable for NOT being honest—societal issues aside. Of course, she’s not a psychotherapist so I can’t hold her accountable for not addressing attachment issues and personal trauma that can contribute to affairs because those issues are exceedingly personal. My critique is not of the book. It does what it’s supposed to do. I would personally prefer a work that does both—personal and societal, but that’s why there are hundreds of thousands of books on the topic.
February 15, 2015
Goodreads is going to force Suggestions Recommendations on me due to it's links with Amazon who wishes to spy on our reading data a violation of the privacy of reading[data].
A great book with some great arguments important to realise that marriages characterised by adultery by one or other partners are NOT always recoverable, the pain and damage done is too much.
#relationshipededucationforthisrookie
A great book with some great arguments important to realise that marriages characterised by adultery by one or other partners are NOT always recoverable, the pain and damage done is too much.
#relationshipededucationforthisrookie
April 16, 2013
Read when it first came out in the late 90's. Deals truthfully and directly with our trials to stay monogamous. Should be pre-marital required reading for couples as all will surely face some form of it in a marriage. Might as well deal with it before it becomes a problem.
September 4, 2008
This book illustrates how American culture supports infidelity in marriage - very interesting ideas.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews