The Love They Lost: Living with the Legacy of Our Parents' Divorce

by Stephanie Staal

Stephanie Staal’s parents divorced when she was thirteen. But it wasn’t until years later that she realized the devastating impact of her parents’ divorce on her own search for love.

She sought help. There was none. So she wrote the book she was looking a personal history of, by, and for the first generation of divorce.

Drawing on extensive interviews with one hundred and twenty adult children of divorce, The Love They Lost gives voice to their struggle to reconcile the emotional blueprints their parents left them with the lives they want to build as adults.

Here we meet men and women from all walks of life who share painful common They are all living with the legacy of their parents’ divorce. What emerges, as they tell their compelling stories, are profound new insights that will resonate with anyone dealing with the wide-ranging consequences of divorce ... how abandonment and betrayal, both real and perceived, impact adult relationships and careers ... what happens when money becomes a substitute for love ... healing ways to move forward while living with the past.

Weaving reporting and memoir, storytelling and social observation, The Love They Lost is essential reading for every adult child of divorce who longs to make peace with the past and build a rewarding life — and for everyone who cares about the future of the American family.

Genres: Nonfiction, Divorce

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

Reviews

[Lynnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This started as Staal’s master thesis and in it, she writes my own heart. This is not a book about psychology. Or sociology, or statistics, or science. This is a book about people. Full of both the author’s stories as well as others’, Staal creates a cohesive work about what it means to be a child and then an adult left behind in the wake of divorce. Through the telling of stories and sharing of experiences, Staal guides the reader through a gentle analysis and reflection on themselves and their own status as children of divorce.

This is a deeply intimate and beautifully written book. Never did I feel that I was reaching through boring prose to get to a point that Staal withheld. This is another one of those books which has been sitting on my shelf for the last several years, that I finally worked up the courage to pick up and read.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely amazing point of view of the child's side of a divorce, and a must read for divorced/divorcing parents. This book is only 243 pages, and I devoured it in an afternoon.
The author gives an honest, accessible and unflinching account of what it's like for children who have no choice in a divorce, but must live through the aftermath regardless.
This book is a must-read for any parent at any stage of a divorce, especially for parents who were not products of divorce themselves to be able to understand what their children are going through. Ms. Staal's book contains over 100 adults' points of views, and includes almost every possible variation of parents - the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I read this book through the library system, but I'm going to buy a copy (or three) as soon as I can.

[Erica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the perfect selection for those who are seeking healing from their parents' divorce but do not desire modern self-help, psychological-mumbo-jumbo resources. This book is filled with stories and that is what sets it apart from others. The author writes beautiful, but tragic narratives of her childhood to adulthood experiences. She mirrors it with others who have experienced the shaking of their foundations as their parents parted ways, sometimes violently and bitterly, other times smoothly and gracefully. I took something significant away from each chapter of this book and I am glad I stuck with it, even when it pressed on some vulnerable areas of my heart.

[Snail in Danger (Sid) Nicolaides · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a self-help book in the conventional sense. i.e., it's not written by someone with a mental health qualification. Rather, it's a collection of recollections and musings by adults, years after their parents divorced. Structure is provided partly by the semi-memoir thoughts of the author on her parents' divorce and her life thereafter. IMO, its non-clinical approach makes it easier to relate to.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I would have known about this book years ago! This was a book I started reading for a research paper I did. It is close to my heart. I found solace in it after going through the rollercoaster of emotions since my parent's divorce. No matter what age you are, your parent's divorce has an affect on you, especially when they were married for many years and truly loved each other at one time. It helps to know other's out there feel what you feel and this book proves it. Its a helpful book.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing earth shattering but a useful read for adult children of divorce, particularly, I think, people like me who have spent their lives saying "Oh, I wasn't affected by my parents divorce!" and then realize that it all takes on a different light as we our approach our own relationships, monogamy, and thoughts on marriage and kids.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm about halfway through this book and it's like someone is finally telling me--after almost 30 years of trying to understand--why I struggle in the simplest and most basic of ways. Thank you to the author for this truly eye-opening, life-changing, and hope-inducing work.

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

blah blah blah. good to read other accounts of divorced families and how things affect everyone. Not really a happy book.

[Amy Ingles · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though I am just going through this as an adult, this book helped me to understand some of what is going on in my head and in my parents'. Thanks.