While They're at War: The True Story of American Families on the Homefront

by Kristin Henderson

Kristin Henderson is a journalist married to a military chaplain who has served in the Persian Gulf, Afghanistan, and Iraq. In While They're at War, she draws upon the trust she's earned from military families and her unique access to military staff to give us a "powerful, revealing, and sometimes painful . . . look behind the scenes" (Booklist) at the modern military's untold story.

We first meet Marissa Bootes and Beth Pratt, new Army wives undergoing intense indoctrination on Fort Bragg, North Carolina, while their husbands are fighting in Iraq. Their stories unfold to reveal often hidden aspects of life on the homefront. Through gripping storytelling, we see families battling the overwhelming effects of isolation and anticipatory grief, the strongly enforced codes concerning infidelity, their feelings of alienation both from military staff and from nonmilitary citizens, and the harrowing impact of e-mail/cellphone/CNN culture. Moving scenes bring to life the special struggles of children and those who teach and care for them, as well as the toll that combat exposure takes on families, especially if it erupts into homecoming violence. Finally, Henderson reveals the life-changing solidarity experienced in an informal support group like Fort Bragg's Hooah Wives.

While They're at War is an indelible portrait, too, of virtually invisible figures such as homefront fathers raising teenagers alone. We meet the chaplains, social workers, and psychiatrists dedicated to helping military families cope. And, through Henderson's brilliant reporting from Walter Reed Army Medical Center's Ward 57, we are given a searing view of the wounded and their families confronting changed lives.

"In a country of nearly three hundred million people," Henderson writes, "only two and half million serve in the active duty armed forces. . . Yet in our American democracy, the warriors themselves don't get to decide when [sacrifices] are to be made. Civilians make that decision. It's up to our civilian Congress to declare war. . . and it's up to the civilians who elect those leaders to pay attention, to make sure that the cause of the hour is worth the sacrifices being made on their behalf." While They're at War is moving and necessary testimony for all Americans, from the military families who make possible America's way of war and way of life.

Kristin Henderson has written frequently on military issues; this book had its origins in two cover stories for the Washington Post Magazine. She is also the author of Driving by Moonlight, an account of her experience during her husband's deployment to Afghanistan. A practicing Quaker, she is married to a Navy chaplain serving with the Marines and is active in the Marine Corps's Key Volunteer family readiness program.

Genres: Military Fiction, Nonfiction, War

317 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

Kristin Henderson is an author and journalist, including reporting from Iraq and Afghanistan. Her work earned the Military Reporters & Editors association’s large market newspaper/magazine awards for domestic coverage as well as overseas coverage, and Bread Loaf fiction scholarships and a nonfiction fellowship.

She’s the author of The Zargari Incident, While They’re at War, and Driving by Moonlight. Her writing has appeared in The Washington Post Magazine, The New York Times, and Military.com, among others. Media appearances include NPR’s “All Things Considered” and “Fresh Air”, NBC’s “Weekend Today Show”, MSNBC, C-SPAN, BBC, and Australian radio (ABC).

Kristin is married to a Navy chaplain who served with the Marines in Afghanistan and Iraq. She lives in Washington, DC, where she’s on the staff of the Yellow Ribbon Fund, a nonprofit that assists injured service members and their families.

Reviews

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have said multiple times that if I were the U.S. School Principal (assuming such a job existed), this book would be on the nation's mandatory summer reading list. If you usually avoid nonfiction, this is the perfect exception because it's so compelling. It's one of the best nonfiction books I've read because it is extremely well-organized, a perfect mix between stories of individuals and larger research & conclusions, and incredibly successful in revealing the depth of a hidden inequity. This book is not pro-war or anti-war. It's a realistic and heartbreaking look at what the families of U.S. soldiers go through before, during, and after deployment. It illustrates the fact that a tiny percentage of Americans bear the entire burden of war. I was overwhelmed by the strength and pain of each of the spouses and children interviewed. It has forever personalized the daily headlines from Iraq and Afghanistan.

[Jennie · Rating 4 out of 5]

i'm not in the military, but i am an Air Force brat and i work for the Army; i could not stop myself from crying as i read this book. It's an examination of the sacrifices made by the families, especially the spouses, when their Soldier, Airman, Sailor, or Marine is deployed. Henderson illustrates the stresses placed on the families with personal stories, including her own; she is married to a Marine chaplain. One of the looming themes is the alienation that both the military and their families feel from civilian America - we're becoming an ever more divided country, where war is a distant thought to all but those fighting it and the people praying for them to come home safe. Henderson doesn't have an answer to this problem, but reading this book might open the eyes of American civilians.

[Ellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book follows the lives of different women who have husband's deployed. (And I do mean different). I read this while my husband was deployed the first time and it showed me that I was not the only one sitting at home worried. I also learned a lot about the military in general.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

See my review here.

[Tami Klucas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fabulous read! As a military spouse, I’ve recommended this book to friends, family members, and individuals in the community who desire a better understanding of military family life. If you have neighbors, patients, members of your church, students, or employees who are a military spouse or child, please consider reading this!

[Ietrio · Rating 1 out of 5]

Feel proud of what those people did. And choose only one of the two options possible for you, according to Henderson: die in some meaningless war, or die working so you could pay the taxes for the Henderson clan pension and health care.

[Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this while I was working in Veterans Affairs. My supervisor there asked me to read the book. I loved the book, and found it informative and helpful when working with clients in the VA.

[Abbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish that this book was required reading. I think civilian families would be so much more understanding and aware of what military families endure. Even during peacekeeping mission deployments, so many of the same stresses that this book mentions are relevant. No matter if your family is active duty, reserve, National Guard, etc this book will perfectly address the emotional side and factual side of what families face when their service member is gone.

[Shana · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a new military wife fumbling around in a new place, I find it useful to read whatever I can about being a spouse and what I should expect. So far I’ve found several personal accounts that read more like novels, but this one was different. Henderson is a journalist as well as a military wife (her husband is a chaplain), and it shows in the professional tone of her writing. This is not to say that there isn’t emotion or that it is overly clinical. Rather, Henderson mixes a healthy dose of research and intertwines it with narratives from a variety of women and men whose spouses serve the country.

In this well-rounded book, Henderson covers a multitude to topics that include effects of deployment, access to social services, career changes, and the dreaded possibility that your loved one may never return.

Her personal involvement in the military world adds legitimacy to her words, but she utilizes the stories of two women whose husbands enlisted in the Army to serve as more vivid examples. By following these women from pre-Army days to their husbands returning from deployment, you learn a great deal about the many ups and downs of being a military spouse. This should be a must read not only for spouses, but for civilians. As Henderson wrote,

"In a country of nearly three hundred million people, only two and half million serve in the active duty armed forces… Yet in our American democracy, the warriors themselves don’t get to decide when [sacrifices] are to be made. Civilians make that decision. It’s up to our civilian Congress to declare war… and it’s up to the civilians who elect those leaders to pay attention, to make sure that the cause of the hour is worth the sacrifices being made on their behalf."

Food for thought.

[Peggy Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kristin Henderson has done an excellent job of presenting the military family and the many challenges they face on a daily basis. She covers what most would categorize as just regular, mundane tasks of everyday living from the mind of a military family member. She helps the civilian world realize that what seems ordinary becomes complex when given all the unseen and many times not talked about stressors the family is beset with each day. The spouses always have thoughts in the back of their minds about the welfare of the other. The children carry the stress of wondering if Dad or Mom will be deployed and life will have to go on without their presence for what seems like forever. She very realistically describes the day the soldier leaves for war and has to say good-by to the hurting family members and they to him. She also explains that even though the return day cannot come soon enough, even that day brings about a shift of roles within the family, adding stress on top of what most think would be the happiest day ever. Their family member is home and safe. However, that soldier comes back a different person and brings back all the war-time baggage that weighs down and some times breaks down even the strongest person. The military marriage is the most endangered of all marriage relationships. The family unit is always fragile, even in the best of circumstances.

Ms. Henderson gives a very heartfelt and real image of the American soldier and family. She defines them as the true heroes of our society, heroes that most people cannot begin to know what life is really like for them.

In my opinion, every American, military and civilian, needs to read this book.

[Joy Barnes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book last summer but I wanted to write a review because after a year, it still has had a lasting impact on me. As a military spouse, the author is able to weave her own experience with those of 2 Army wives, and women in recent history dealing with husbands at war. She covers even the most delicate subject matters dealing with deployments including infidelity, peace activism, violence after a spouse returns, and the struggle women go through anticipating the "knock at the door." I read it while my husband was in Iraq and it felt like it was my own personal support group. I read it in 3 days and I cried a lot and nodded in agreement with her accurate protrayal of what women on the homefront go through. It is a must read for people working in the military, for anyone effected by deployments, and even for peace activists. I cannot say enough good things about this book.

[Suzie Sims-Fletcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful writer. Interesting (structurally) how the stories are followed and intertwined, including the pre-stories with the main thread, while still offering reference/learning tools (but not in your face - the kind that you might jot something down as you read it).


I found myself having to put it down from time to time as I unexpectedly began to cry - not always the best when you are on a train or about to go to an appointment.

If you are in anyway interested in the ongoing war (for, against, political, other) this book may open your eyes to a different subset of people affected by war/military.

So very NOT in your face. If there are political agendas here, I didn't read them.

[Susan Reynolds · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book to understand what it is like to be a military spouse. It is lonely and scary at times. It is giving birth and having to depend on a friend to be your labor coach, it is seeing your husband see his newborn who is actually 6 months old, it is fierce pride when you see that ship lined with sailors at homecoming. We don't get our groceries free at the commissary, we spend all day at the clinic to get the "free" medical care but we also serve who stay at home and keep life together until the deployment ends. On retirement day, I never dreamed I would have to live through another deployment...now I have a soldier son.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great read! Everyone I mean EVERYONE shoud read this book to get better understanding of what happens on the homefront during a deployment. It's probably good sensitivity training for those who aren't dealing with the deployment, but dealing with a spouse who is. If you're a military spouse be prepared for some emotional chapters. I felt like I relived my entire first deployment with my husband yet at the same time made me feel less crazy (because I'm not alone) for some of the emotions I had.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for everyone given what is happening in our country today. It tells the story of the other Americans who are sacrificing everyday for our country. So many times we recognize the service and sacrifice of the soldiers--on airplanes, at parades, in worship services. This book will make you stop to speak to the soldier's spouse and tell her/him thank you for your everyday sacrifice. One of the best books I have read in a long time.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has a lot of great facts and information about what real military life is like for the families. It is not an easy read. The chapter called "A Knock at the Door" took me several weeks to get through. I found I couldn't take this book with me to read while waiting for appts, etc because it was just too emotional for me. But, it's got great information and insight.

[Caulyne B · Rating 5 out of 5]

A MUST for a military spouse or parent heading into a deployment. It is not an easy read at times. It has hit too close to home on several occasions. However, it validates the emotions that many spouses have while the deal with a deployment-- even the fear, or reality of the 'knock at the door.' It is one of the best books out there on the realities of loving a soldier.

[Eileen Dougherty · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is written by a military spouse who also happens to be a reporter. She writes about a cross section of military families, describing their circumstances and heartfelt longings while their loved ones are away at war. I couldn't put this book down, yet I cried and cried because I remember how it feels when the person you love most in the world is at war.

[John Connolly · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a military chaplain myself I gained much from this book, but so did my wife. I have often recommended this book to families, and will continue to do so. She did an incredible job of sharing her own feelings and making them real and tangible. I believe that transparency is extremely helpful to any who would serve, and especially their families.

[Stacey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciated reading this book. Although it got hard for me to read at times, it helped me identify a lot of the things I am feeling. I also really like the way the book was written. Overall I enjoyed it!

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was given to me by the Chaplain of our former unit. At the time, we did not know my husband would be moved to another unit in order to deploy later in the year. So, I read the book without thinking it would one day soon apply to my "list" of experiences as a Marine wife.

[M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous book! Covers all services, tells sad, happy and inspiring stories. Definitely a tear-jerker!

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most touching and heart wrenching books I've read. From one military wife to another, thank you for telling our story.

[Jillian · Rating 2 out of 5]

The stories of the wives were very interesting but the book jumped around a lot and added small stories about other women that made it hard to keep track of the main characters.

[Nicole Veno · Rating 5 out of 5]

All Americans should read this! Everyone should be reminded of the sacrifices our military and military families go though. Get your tissues ready!

[Jenny Noel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great pre-deployment read

[Salem · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh.

[Hannah Hicks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Slow read...especially at the start. It is a very good and eye-opening read, though