Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know

by C.J. Mahaney

"Scripture illuminates the path of marital intimacy. The Song of Solomon shines brightly, showing us the way to the best sex we can possibly experience."

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Family, Relationships, Theology, Christian Living, Nonfiction

139 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 17, 2004

About the author

C.J. Mahaney leads Sovereign Grace Ministries in its mission to establish and support local churches. He spent 27 years pastoring Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, Maryland.

He currently co-hosts the Together for the Gospel conference with Mark Dever, Ligon Duncan and Albert Mohler and serves on the Council of the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, and on the boards of The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood and the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation.

Reviews

[Bob Hayton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Books on sex and romance, written by godly pastors are rare. C.J. Mahaney is no sexpert, and this is no sex manual. But this may be the best book on sex you'll ever read.

Sex, Romance and the Glory of God presents a theology of marriage that serves as just the right backdrop to look at how Solomon, in his famous Song, deals with sex. The book sets sex in the proper context for which God intended it. And it calls men—Christian men—to love and romance their wife.

Mahaney explains that marriage then is intended to be a picture of how Christ relates to his Church. Let me quote Mahaney at this point, since his words are much more adequate than mine:

Please don’t think of this as merely a helpful illustration or an interesting perspective. It’s much more than that. This is the essence of marriage. This is the divine purpose for your marriage….

...there is a purpose in marriage that goes beyond personal fulfillment. Something of the selfless love, care, and sacrifice that Jesus shows toward the Church is supposed to be evident in you as you relate to your wife. Something of the respect, submission, and devotion that the Church shows toward Jesus is supposed to be evident in your wife as she relates to you. That’s the purpose for your marriage. That is why God has given her to you, and you to her. [pg. 23-25:]

Particularly helpful and challenging is Mahaney's call for men to romance their wives. Mahaney encourages us to plan and work at delighting our wife in any number of small yet meaningful ways. He provides practical pointers and suggestions and strongly encourages a weekly date of some kind.

The truth he wants us to remember, if nothing else from this book is this: “In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body." [emphasis his, page 28:]

An example of Mahaney's practical yet unsettling wisdom is his must-ask question: “Do you feel more like a mother or a wife?” [pg. 29:]

Concerning this point he continues:

There can be a selfish, sinful tendency among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But please don’t—I want this to be an encouragement to you.

…A variety of legitimate activities may consume huge quantities of your wife’s time….But whatever your situation, if you make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church…God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and diseases, she can answer that question with joy: “I feel more like a wife.”

…Motherhood is exceptionally important. It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife’s primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands. [pg. 30:]

The book is helped by several personal stories that Mahaney shares. The following story was a challenge and encouragement for me to remember that I am to love and serve my wife and family as Christ serves and loves the Church.

When our first two children were still quite young, I realized that my commute home in the evening was functioning as little more than a review of my day. As far as I was concerned, by the time I got in that car, my responsibilities were pretty much over until the next morning. I saw my home as a refuge, a place where the emphasis, for me, was on being served rather than on leading and serving with Christlike love.

In God’s mercy, he showed me the selfish motivation I was bringing home each evening. I saw that my commute could be best utilized as a time of transition, so that I might be prepared to finish the day by loving and serving my family well.

So I made a practice of pulling the car over a few blocks from my home so I could take a couple of minutes to make an effective transition in my soul. There on the side of the road, I meditated on Ephesians 5 as well as on some other passages. I confessed to God my sinful tendency to be selfish and sought to prepare my heart to serve my wife and children when I arrived home. In this way I learned to see my home as the context where I have my greatest privilege and opportunity to serve…. [pp. 50-51:]

I found Mahaney’s chapter on “The Language of Romance” to be very interesting. I was challenged to be more intentional in how I communicate with my wife, and to stop neglecting poetry as a means of arousing her love. Listen to Mahaney on this point:

…[Song of Solomon shows us:] a category of communication set apart from the stuff of daily life….It is highly intentional, creative, provocative, erotic language. It’s purpose is to arouse romantic passion—to inflame slowly and intentionally, all the while honoring and delighting one’s spouse….Long before they begin to enjoy one another’s bodies, they excite one another’s minds with tender, creative speech. They model for us what it means to feel sexual passion and to articulate that passion. The language is highly poetic, romantically expressed, and exceptionally creative and imaginative. It is also unmistakably sexual.

The best sex begins with romance, and the best romance begins with the kind of speech we read in the Song of Solomon. It begins with carefully composed words….

Far from scorning carefully composed words, I should accept the lesson of Solomon’s Song and learn how to use them. Poetic language is a gift from God that can help me promote godly romance with my wife!

…How many times in the past week or month have you spoken to your wife in ways that she found to be romantically and perhaps erotically arousing? [pg. 60, 69-70:]

When Mahaney gets to the sex part in the book, he doesn't disappoint. He stresses that the sexual aspect of marriage should not be considered "a fundamentally spiritual activity". He even goes so far as to say:

Is there a case to be made from Scripture that lovemaking is any less important to a marriage than praying together, studying the Bible together, or even attending church together? I don’t think so….

…let’s not see sex as merely a permissible part of marriage or something to be tolerated. Sex in marriage is mandatory and something to be celebrated! (See 1 Corinthians 7:35; Ephesians 5:31) Sex was created for marriage, and marriage was created in part for the enjoyment of sex. [pg. 74-75:]

Mahaney pointed out something about Song of Solomon that I had never considered. He stressed that Song of Solomon, while highly erotic, is a book about marital love. And he draws some important conclusions from that seemingly inconsequential point.

It’s remarkable how Solomon’s language, while obvious in its intent, is never biologically specific in a way that could be considered vulgar or clinical….that fact is itself full of meaning. Although sexual intercourse is certainly an ultimate expression of a married couple’s erotic encounter, it is not the outstanding central feature of this book. What is dominant in the Song is not any particular physical act. The book is not about sexual intercourse. Rather, it is about the remarkable nature of the couple’s overall relationship—in all its romance, yearning, desire, sensuality, passion, and eroticism….they do not desire to be together simply so they can experience sexual gratification. They want to be together because they are in love, albeit a powerful one…. [pg. 88-89:]

A valuable inclusion is the great “word to wives” section written by C.J’s wife Carolyn. It is for the most part a reproduction of chapter 7 in her book Feminine Appeal. I read that section, too, and was impressed by Carolyn Mahaney’s wisdom. Like the entire book, this section was not so much a manual on how to make love, as it is an encouragement to have a deep and lasting joyful relationship with your mate which includes a proper valueing and enjoyment of sex.

In Mahaney’s eagerness to use Song of Solomon as a Biblical description and instruction of marital intimacy, however, he falls prey to what I consider to be a wrong approach to interpreting that book. He pits an allegorical interpretation, which sees Christ and his Church as the key players in that song, against a “literal” interpretation, which sees Solomon talking about the joys of marital love. I am aware that there have been extreme allegorical interpretations that go so far as to negate any application of what the song teaches about marital love. But in Mahaney’s approach, which is very typical and widespread today, the error is made to the opposite extreme. He denies any typographical use of the book.

I see an alternative approach which can both affirm that the book clearly praises the joys of marital love yet also recognize that Solomon’s Song is written within the framework of a redemptive history that the Bible records for us. And just as other Biblical stories foreshadow and describe the redemption Christ accomplished for His people, thereby enhancing our understanding of and appreciation of the Gospel, so too the Song of Solomon may rightly be seen to describe the anti-type of which marriage is only a picture. Indeed all marriages are a picture of the abiding covenant love and joyful relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church (Eph. 5:31-32); and hence it would be proper to see Christ and His Church as ultimately referred to in this beautiful love poem.

My quibble over interpreting Song of Solomon aside, you need to get this book. And if you're a husband, you especially need to read it, and even more so if you have already been married for some time. I recommend it highly.

[Alexis Neal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Solid, if unremarkable. C.J. Mahaney hammers home the needs to romance your wife outside the bedroom before trying to get any action in the bedroom.

The section for wives was, unsurprisingly, much more helpful for me--Carolyn Mahaney has very clear opinions about the importance of sex in the marriage relationship. She straightforwardly tells wives that one of the best ways to encourage their husbands is: sex. Even to those submersed in the chaos of rearing young children, Mahaney does not mince words: "Honey, [...] fix your husband a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner and give him great sex after dinner, and he will feel prized by you." While Carolyn Mahaney does acknowledge the common problem of the disinterested or exhausted spouse, she does not seem to portray sexual apathy as an unavoidable result of marriage. As a result, her chapter was more encouraging than the similar passage in Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace.

All in all, a perfectly fine little book. It's hard to imagine that it would be a life-altering, paradigm-shifting book for anyone, but perhaps there are others for whom this stuff is revolutionary.

[Peter Krol · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice and short, with a great main idea: Touch her heart and mind before you touch her body.

[Han · Rating 1 out of 5]

My husband was reading this book and read me the last few chapters, I decided to go back and read the whole thing so I could leave a review.

I was not impressed.

1. Poorly written

2. Lacks depth and understanding of real trials that may occur in marriage. Glosses over potential hardship (bb warfield) praised him more for being a faithful husband, but doesn’t explore the reality that he probably had a sexless marriage. What about the men who want to have sex with their wives and cannot? How is this book useful or even pastoral in nature? It ignores a whole group of men, and there are far too many generalizations. Cj is writing to himself more than men in the church…. His voice is too strong and far too narrow. It comes off as braggadocios about how his effective skills have produced a strong sex life… but, life isn’t so simple and his advice is not for everyone.

3. Talks to the men like they are a bunch of idiot brutes. Comes off condescending. “Come have a beer with me and let’s talk sex” is how it comes across.

4. Douglas Wilson quoted at one point. It was unnecessary, and shows his utter lack of discernment.

5. It has a few nuggets of good advice, but nothing profound of even worth writing a book on.

6. Him and his wife both make a claim that something is biblical and then quote someone else to support their beliefs instead of scripture.

7. He gets the gospel right, so no complaints that it isn’t orthodox.

8. Pits a husbands love for his children against his love for his wife. Absolutely hated this aspect. Love is not an either or kinda thing. You love, and you love deeply. And that can take different forms. Yes, I’m in covenant with my husband but if I die He’s free to remarry. One never stops being a father or mother. I’m also not viewing my identity as either a mother or wife. I’m both, both are important. It’s also important to note Jesus refers to us both as a bride and his children. So, his argument was weak.

Overall, I would not recommend this book. The few little rid bit of advice may be helpful to some but it’s too broad to have any true pastoral value.

[Mike E. · Rating 3 out of 5]

In this little book Mahaney challenges husbands to to love their wives in practical ways--words of blessing, flowers, date nights, poetry, et. al.

He says, "The key to effectively and erotically touching her body is first to touch her heart and mind."

The book includes a short chapter for wives written by Mahaney's wife, Carol.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short little book is packed with Scripturally soaked wisdom, and although it was exhausting just reading Mahaney's practical advice, it was, on the whole, excellent. In short, this is a great primer on sex, love, and marriage and their gospel foundation.

[Christopher · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great Biblical view of what sex is and how it can fully be enjoyed between husband and wife.

[Matthew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent walkthrough for Christian men on how to romance their wives in and out of the bedroom (bet you didn't expect that)

Honestly, the first chapter didn't pique my interest and by the end of that chapter, I was convinced this book would merit a 2-star rating. But Chapters 2-7 (the bulk of the book) were not only helpful and straightforward but the purpose was clearly defined. Mahaney makes strong cases on how husbands need to "touch their wives' hearts before they touch her body," the book's mantra.

And to top it all off, the author demonstrates through scripture how when a husband romances his wife, God is glorified (again, bet you didn't figure that out)

Simple, easy to digest, and follow along- Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God is a must-read for Christian husbands that strive to become more loving spouses.

[Cassie Webb · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely catered towards men. Didnt love the name drop for Joshua Harris with everything thats happened to him and the author (i know this was written before everything came out) but i feel like that depletes the credibility of the book. I wanted more scripture- i felt like it was just a lot of his own practices and not much of the Word

[Enmanuel Veras · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for every husband!

[Kevin Lara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good little book for husbands concerning sex. He speaks of the importance of touching our wife's heart and mind before touching her body, the importance of words, and the importance of covenant love. At the end there's a very valuable section for wives written by his wife, Carolyn.

Helpful.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

An Orthodox monk once said that for those who are called in to be in the world that it is a good thing to be be married and to have a job.

This book covers the excellence and beauty of marriage from a biblical perspective.

Mahaney also covers the very practical suggestions and guidelines. It wonderfully makes sure to stop short of being a "How to manual" because he acknowledges that all people are unique, but that married people must seek to become lifelong students of their spouses.

The book also contains a section written to women by Maheney's wife.

Overall, an excellent book.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up off a friend's shelf during a recent trip while I was away from home for an extended period, and it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of in terms of relating to my wife when we got back together. Mahaney's main point to us men/husbands is, "before you touch her body be sure to touch her mind and heart". Great sex begins with relating well and cherishing our wives, which is an area I know I can also improve. It's also a bonus in that this book is a very easy read but most profound. You gotta love these authors that say a lot with a few words.

[Denzil Roy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found the book well proportioned in content. To my surprise, the book had more of romancing one's wife than about actual physical intimacy. The book takes a lot of cues from Song of Solomon. Aimed at husbands, the central theme of the book is how he must touch the heart and mind of his wife before he touches her body. I liked the last chapter which emphasized on covenant love in marriage. Many waters cannot quench that love, neither can floods drown it. Its a quick read of less than 130 pages, but will have a lasting impact on one's love life.

[Brian Watson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good little book. Mahaney tells husbands, "If you want to touch her body, first touch her heart and mind." (Paraphrase of something repeated throughout the book.) He uses the Song of Songs as a model for biblical romance, but he offers up a lot of practical advice that is helpful. In particular, I learned to study my wife and what pleases her. Mahaney's wife has a chapter at the end of the book for wives.

[Gabriel Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books on the subject I've read. This book says in a few words what others have tried to say in volumes. Immensely practical without compromising Biblical truth. Definitely worth the 2 hours or so it will take you to read it!

[Thadeus · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very good book. I liked the emphasis on studying your wife. It had a lot of good information, but one statement I disagreed with about the meaning of "mystery" in the Bible.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

i've read it twice.. and think I'd like to read it again.

[Aaron Carlberg]

We are getting ready to do the Song of Solomon next year. This is just one a many books I will be reading. It's a good book...

[Andrew Bradbeer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every Christian husband should read it and talk about it with his mates.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

CJ once again proves that being succinct does not compromise his ability to provide depth of truth. Saturated with scripture and application, a short but fantastic read.

[Bill Forgeard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Might be the best book I've read on marriage and sex. Short, direct, biblical, healthy. One to read and re-read. CJ Mahaney is exactly the kind of guy I want to listen to on this topic.

[High Pointe Baptist Church]

Short, practical. Should create excellent conversations about marriage, particularly physical intimacy.

[Wesley Yaryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

The principles in this book are powerful: Study your wife. Romance tou wife. Make love to your wife. I don't practice this enough.

[Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every married Christian man and man getting married should read this book. This is an excellent book on how to romance your wife and have God glorifying sex in your marriage. A must read!

[Gregory · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great little book! Biblical, insightful, and fun!

[Lucas · Rating 3 out of 5]

For all husbands who want to remain married!

[Craig Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every husband needs to read this book!

I love this book! CJ Mahaney did a wonderful job giving husband tools to better love their wives from a biblical perspective.

[Dean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very practical in how to be intentional in actively studying and planning (hard work and effort!) in order to cultivate romance in marriage for the good of one's wife and for the gory of God.

[Jonathan Wylie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are a married man this is a must read. I would put down any other book you are reading and begin here.