Leaving: How I Set Myself Free from an Abusive Marriage

by Kanchan Bhaskar

Raised by two loving parents in New Delhi, India, Kanchan Bhaskar has always been taught that marriage means companionship, tenderness, and mutual respect—so when she enters into an arranged marriage, this is the kind of partnership she anticipates with her new, seemingly wonderful, husband. But after they marry, she quickly discovers that his warmth is deceptive—that the man beneath the bright, charming façade is actually a narcissistic, alcoholic, and violent man.

Trapped in a nightmare, Kanchan pleads with her husband to seek help for his issues, but he refuses. Meanwhile, Indian law is not on her side, and as the years pass, she finds herself with three children to protect—three children she fears she will lose custody of if she leaves. Almost overnight, she finds herself transformed into a tigress who will do whatever it takes to protect her cubs, and she becomes determined to free them from their toxic father. But it’s not until many years later, when the family of five moves from India to the United States, that Kanchan is presented with a real opportunity to leave him—and she takes it.

Chronicling Kanchan’s gradual climb out of the abyss, little by little, day by day, Leaving is the empowering story of how—buoyed by her deep faith in a higher power and single-minded in her determination to protect her children best—she fought relentlessly to build a ramp toward freedom from her abuser. In this memoir, Kanchan clearly lays out the tools and methods she utilized in her pursuit of liberation—and reveals how belief in self and belief in the Universe can not only be weapons of escape but also beautiful foundations for a triumphant, purpose-driven life.

Genres: Nonfiction, India

272 pages, Paperback

Published April 11, 2023

Reviews

[Simran · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever realised how selfless, soft and bestowing women can be? 🌻

Leaving by Kanchan Bhaskar weaves the true story of women and their level of tolerance. The nurturing nature of the creation, and how on breaking her can she grow more powerful and gracefully ferocious than one can ever imagine.

According to the National Family Health Survey (NFHS), 2019-2021, “29.3 per cent of married Indian women between the ages of 18 and 49 have experienced domestic violence. On that note, if women are coming out to the age of rebuilding their lives altogether, that's the most powerful and beautiful gift to oneself.

The author has very precisely, and with extreme brawn, given an excellent insight of the life she has suffered through, to the life she decided to give herself by mending it; and that's what makes the book so powerful and breathtaking.

The writing is so lucid that I certainly became a part of the author's personal life through the same.

Leaving by Kanchan Bhaskar, is a memoir that is exceptionally inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. It revolves around the author's tottering married life that shattered her into tiny pieces, while also raising a light of strength within her to commence life from the scratch. It's so much about the hard life, and the harder choices one has to make at times.

This book is a great way to tell the world out there that, life is uncertain, and it can be really tough and unfair sometimes, but if you're courageous enough, you always have a way out.

A memoir I'll remember, reminisce and definitely recommend.

[Vidhya Thakkar · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Leaving: How I Set Myself Free from an Abusive Marriage" by Kanchan Bhaskar is an intense and inspiring journey of liberation. Within its pages, Kanchan takes us on an emotional journey, shedding light on the complexities of an abusive marriage and the courage it takes to break free, offering valuable insights and lessons along the way.

The narrative begins in the early 1980s when Kanchan enters into an arranged marriage with Vijay. As she discovers more about her husband's strange behaviour each day, she is plagued with doubts about her choices and whether she is truly in the right place with the right person. These moments of introspection lead her to make a life-changing decision—to leave the desolate village and return to her parent's home. It is during this time that she learns she is pregnant, further fueling her determination to become financially independent and create a better life for herself and her child.

Kanchan's enchanting and relatable writing style allows readers to connect deeply with her experiences. Her story encompasses the various shades of life— The painful nights she witnessed, the loss of her loved one’s, the moments of unhappiness, and the happy times. I loved the way she express herself. You’ll feel the pain she went through, the anger every time injustice happened to her, you’ll feel happy with her every victory, with every happiness she achieves.

Here one major thing you’ll witness is the difference of Mindset in between the two families adds another layer of depth to the narrative. While Vijay’s family was completely orthodox with traditional values, Kanchan’s family was well-educated, with a modern approach.

"Leaving: How I Set Myself Free from an Abusive Marriage" is a testament to the indomitable human spirit, offering hope and inspiration to anyone who may be facing similar challenges. Kanchan Bhaskar's story serves as a reminder that with determination, resilience, and a belief in oneself, it is possible to break free from oppressive situations and create a life filled with freedom and fulfillment. A deep, beautiful memoir that you will enjoy reading.

Check the full review on my website

[Joelle Tamraz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kanchan Bhaskar has written about a difficult subject matter in a vivid, moving manner. As someone who has close knowledge of India, I still did not appreciate what happens all too frequently behind closed doors. I enjoyed following her path from a young bride of twenty-three, eager to experience her new life, to the devastating shock of her marital relationship, through to her personal growth and spiritual expanse.

This memoir is an opening into a specific society, its culture, and laws, as well as a universal story about how to liberate oneself from life trauma. The turning points and moments of awareness-raising can be applied to other places and situations.

I am so glad I read this illuminating account about lifting oneself out of unimaginable circumstances.

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir broke my heart into a million pieces and slowly pieced it back together. No human being should have to go through physical or emotional abuse.

I couldn’t even see a way out for Kanchan as I was reading and it made me extremely angry and sad. But Kanchan made a plan and moved forward out of what seemed like a hopeless situation. What a strong woman and the sacrifices she made to protect her children. This book is for anyone who feels powerless. It will give you hope. There is light, but you must make tough decisions.

Kanchan, I applaud you for telling your story. You are brave and an inspiration.

[Riley Brooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a beautiful story Kanchan has given us! It is one thing to live through things in life and entirely different thing to be willing to write it and share it with the world. Kanchan's story of becoming free of the abusive marriage is one full of strength and so much dedication not only to her children but to the betterment of herself as well. I was completely unaware of the complications a woman had to and might still have to face in India when it came to gaining a divorce in that country. It really put into perspective the difficulties Kanchan was running into to protect as many of her loved ones as she could with the help that was given.

The author's writing was almost like a conversation that sweeps you along for the ride! I loved the honesty that she conveyed during the story and the descriptions of the events that were happening. These were some of the first times I have heard of some of the wedding traditions and the festivities that everyone gets to participate in. The details to the colors, emotions, and smells made it a beautiful experience thru the pages.

With myself being from the United States and not worldly traveled, this trip through India through Kanchan's personal experience was a bit of a cultural shock - or as much as I can have without experiencing it first hand. Just the usual interactions and environments that the author shares with the readers are so different to me. It was fascinating to learn about everything. I am grateful to be shown a bit of the world through this memoir.

Her kids are amazing! From the letter to us in the beginning from one of them and then seeing the way they've grown up and become their own is stunning. I won't say much since I highly encourage you all to pick up this story, but every sacrifice Kanchan made for her children in the early years shows in their love of her in everything. Family is Key! And this family supports one another and thrives together.

I completely recommend this beautiful book you guys! If you are also caught in an abusive marriage as Kanchan was and need some sisterly support and camaraderie while you fight to become free too, this is your book. There is very little held back and the honesty is striking. If you are simply a fellow lover of memoirs and want to find your next story, you'll be traveling into India and around the States some as well. Taking a look at the different cultures is always fascinating to learn and read about.

I received an advanced reader copy of this book in exchange for a voluntary honest review.

[Scott Pearson · Rating 4 out of 5]

An abusive marriage filled with domestic violence is one of the worst possible outcomes of a marriage. While betrothed, it can be hard to foresee this result, but it can take a lifetime to recover from the trauma. If children are involved, they, too, can be scarred with worse mental health outcomes. Sometimes, social constraints – such as living in a patriarchal culture or under a country’s oppressive, misogynistic legal system – can make matters worse instead of providing a way out. All of these ingredients were at play for Bhaskar. Though from a supportive, progressive family, she was entrapped in India by numerous factors. Courageously, she found ways out of each formidable challenge and achieved freedom in the United States for her and her now adult children. She tells her inspiring story in this book.

I’ve read stories of domestic violence before, and each survivor strikes me as courageous. Their tales remind me of traumas in my own life (although my personal traumas pale by comparison). Like many of these survivors, Bhaskar’s challenges involve a spouse, probable mental illness, narcissism, and alcoholism. She encounters coincidental life events and conversations from random strangers which light the path for her. Actively listening for good answers, she fortunately took these opportunities.

What’s new and different in this story, to me, is the context on the Indian subcontinent. Bhaskar is entrapped in a patriarchal society where the husband has complete legal rights to beat up his wife. There, divorce is neither favorably looked upon by society nor easy to accomplish by the legal system. Her loving family arranged a marriage for her, as is custom, and was soon horrified at the result. But they, like she herself, were powerless to change the situation without great effort. Though holding a higher caste position as a Brahmin and with a Master’s degree to boot, Bhaskar required decades of effort to escape and heal. She also managed to save her children, too – no small feat in a legal system where the male retains almost all rights.

For Bhaskar, the United States, with more progressive legal frameworks, represents freedom. She and her children (now adults) seem to have found happiness, peace, and contentment here. Hindu spirituality, featured prominently in this tale, plays a prominent role in their lives. As a Christian with a different religious language, I could not follow all of the spiritual ecstasies described in this book, but I was able to understand their rightful place in the overall narrative.

This book is another memoir of someone overcoming abuse, only with the twist of being embedded in Indian culture. Her story provides a pointed critique of Indian society and hopefully will add more fuel to the fire for political and social reforms in the world’s largest democracy. She never lets that political angle become the most prominent part of her story, but it’s clearly in the background. Indian-American audiences, themselves simultaneously caught up in both American and Indian cultures, should appreciate the social insights Bhaskar offers. Escaping domestic abuse requires personal strength, and doing so by emigrating halfway across the world requires even more. This inspiring journey can encourage readers to make the most of their lives.

[bookswithsakshi · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's always a powerful force that I experience within myself whenever I read a story of a Woman who has conquered the odds. This is one such exemplary Memoir to keep marching forward no matter how hard it gets.

"Leaving" by Kanchan Bhaskar is a Memoir to remember and pass on to others. This is her brave story of coming out of an abusive marriage that broke her emotionally and physically. Like every other Woman, the Author dreamed of a fairy tale romance after her wedding but her fate had something else for her. It is right to say - "Everything happens for a reason".

Coming from a modern and supportive family, Kanchan was able to break through this abusive cycle. It's clear that family support is imperative in cases such as this. In India, domestic violence has been normalised by many women who don't utter a word and suffer in the closed walls. Women think that it is their "fate" to get beaten by their husbands even when they are not at fault. Patriarchy affects both men and women but women are more subjected to the pain and trauma that patriarchy inflicts.

This is such a powerful memoir that left me speechless with its narration of events and the bravery shown by the Author. It's hard to imagine everything that she had to endure on her own. It's not easy to be a single woman in the Indian society as the society keeps finding fault in the woman and criticize her every move.

I have read Memoirs before and I have read this one. It's safe to say that this is one of my favourite Memoirs of all time. The narration is so good that in less than 5 pages, you are transported to the Author's world where she is a new bride with dreams of her Charming prince.

The book includes how addiction can cause strain in the relationships and how mental health is of prime importance if one wants to lead a normal life. This book gives hope to women to never give up and keep fighting for themselves. Mainly, as a woman, we must end the cycle of abuse!

[Sheri Rico · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Being able to see how different cultures view women and their roles. Makes me appreciate where I am from and the laws that help protect us. Her love for her family and parents really come through. Recommend.

[Sylvia Jacobs · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author went through a lot. It was nice reading how she survived. It must have been hard to share her story, what courage she has, amazing.

[Miriam Downey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read my full review here: http://mimi-cyberlibrarian.blogspot.c...

Kanchan Bhaskar was born and raised in New Delhi, but she has lived in the United States since the early 2000s, currently in Chicago. Encouraged by a therapist to write down her inspiring journey, Kanchan Bhaskar has written a memoir of life in an arranged marriage and how she escaped to live a productive life in the United States.

Kanchan was raised in an Indian family, where her parents cared for each other and spread that love to their children. Her mother was an educated, career-minded woman, and her father loved her and their children deeply. Kanchan, then, had very little understanding about how badly a wife and mother could be treated in the more patriarchal Indian society into which she married—in an arranged marriage, of course.

The new husband, Vijay, was attractive and charming, but narcissistic and an alcoholic. Very early in the marriage he began hitting and abusing her, begging her forgiveness each time he sobered up. It was absolutely more than she could bear, and she plotted how she could escape this abuse with her three children. She knew that this could not happen in India, so her freedom from Vijay would not be possible until she arrived in the United States.

Kanchan says at one point that she would not become the “frog trapped inside the well.” Several times she escaped to her parents’ home, always encouraged by Vijay to return—that next time it would be different. Of course, as we read her story, we know that next time will not be different. When she exerts her freedom ultimately, we cheer that she has developed a clear sense of her self and her soul. She has developed an incredible power to achieve her freedom and tell her story.

Leaving is difficult to read while at the same time restorative. Kanchan suggests that a woman must gather her innate strength and her inner spirituality in order to become the woman she was meant to be. I can see why her therapist suggested that she tell her story so that other women stuck in abusive relationships can learn to grow and thrive. I was so impressed how she learned to get in touch with her soul and pass on her strength to her children. One of the most touching aspects of this memoir is the dedication written by her daughter. The daughter suggests that she and her brothers were not important enough to their father for him to make any effort to change. She concludes, “Thankfully, we were—and are—important enough to our mother, who left him for the sanity of us all.”

I received the memoir from the author’s publicist. I believe that Leaving will be valuable for therapists to use with women suffering through abusive relationships, as well as for women wanting to read stories of feminist empowerment. The memoir is published this week.

[Lori Shriver · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intimate partner violence falls into categories of physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression and is the subject matter for the memoir I'm reading now which is titled Leaving, How I Set Myself Free from an Abusive Marriage.

The book opens with a flashback to the time when Kanchan was a young bride. To give you a little pre-nuptial insight, her marriage was arranged and she had only met her husband, Vijay, twice before they wed.

What I like about the read, is that Kanchan has a genuine way of looking at her world which is influenced highly by her culture. She soon recognized she'd married into a family that was conservative and shared very little with one another.

When the abuse first started, Kanchan was very young and she thought women were to make adjustments and questioned how many adjustments and for how long. She made a silent prayer to a higher power for harmony.

In all honesty, I wish Kanchan would have bolted the first time Vijay slapped her. But Kanchan stayed and had three children with him. Of course, there were times when she returned home to her parents, but then she would go back when Vijay assured her he had changed. And when she went to look into getting assistance, she was informed that during divorce proceedings, the courts decided on the custody of the children.

Kanchan did receive a good pep talk from someone who may have been aware of the three r's - recognize, respond, and refer. Their advice to Kanchan was to stop making excuses and become financially independent and with the education, she'd already obtained (master's degree in social work from Dehli University), Kanchan was able to take on a substitute teaching job.

She didn't stay at the job long as a chance meeting parlayed into her resume being passed to an employer who recognized her qualities and hired her for a Fortune 500 company. And as luck would have it, the company's headquarters were in the United States.

Focusing on a solution, Kanchan knew that freedom for her and her children meant leaving.

In closing, this book clearly had an effect on me. In all honesty, I read this memoir in segments, putting it down when I felt I needed a break from reading about the unpredictable abusive behavior.

I was pleased to learn that Kanchan is now a certified advocate for domestic violence victims in the state of Illinois and is a volunteer speaker, mentor, and coach for victims and survivors.

[Kitabi Keeda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heart wrenching and inspiring memoir about an abusive relationship of the author.


•• INSIGHT: The book ‘Leaving’ written by Kanchan Bhaskar is a memoir of her troublesome marriage. It is a story about how she came out of that abusive relationship while at the same time securing the future of her three children. It also talks about the importance of spirituality in one’s life in attaining overall peace.

•• REVIEW: This book created a void in me. It made me realize the giving nature of women. The way the author got her freedom back, settled in the USA and secured her children’s lives even facing so many ups and downs is inspiring. The writing style impressed me and shook me to the core. Each and every word conveyed the intended emotion. The incidents of Author’s life have been so well described, that you become a part of the story. However, if you are searching for a book full of fun and entertainment, then this book is not for you.

•• KEY TAKEAWAY: Even if the night is dark, there is always a bright morning waiting for you. All you need to do is have patience and faith. You can achieve anything with grit and determination.

•• STRENGTH: 1. The characters have been very beautifully written.
2. The flow of the story was maintained throughout.
3. The book has been structured well.
4. The cover page was thoughtfully designed. (It has a feeling of freedom)
5. The title of the book describes the gist of the story.

•• WEAKNESS: 1. It is not a light read. Other than that, I did not find anything particularly wrong with the book.

•• TARGET READERS: While the book targets all the women out there who are or have been a victim of physical or mental abuse in their married life, it is ideal for everyone to understand how abuse scars children for life.

•• GENRE: Non-Fiction: Memoir

•• RATING: 4.4/5

[Booklyreads (suruchi) · Rating 4 out of 5]

✨Ever thought how taking one decision can change a person's life? One wrong decision, and you will be forever stuck in an emotionally and mentally abusive surroundings. And if you have immense courage to make it right, you can only only transform your life but also life of other victims as well.

✨Kanchan bhaskar's memoir 'Leaving' is one such book which really need a lot of courage to complete it for sure.

✨It is based on a courageous journey of the author where she had an arranged marriage with a person who was mentally and physically abusive. This story showed, how one open minded woman who was raised like a princess got married to a emotionally unavailable person who abused her in various ways right at the beginning of their journey and how she fought her way out of this marriage, while carrying 3 children with her.

✨The book inspires on how she struggled and fought with her in laws to save herself and her children from being raised into an abusive household. The struggles she had being a single woman were difficult but worth it if the results were Her children being healthy and successful ones. Her parents and her guru, helped her find her way into self enlightenment, bravery and at the end becoming a advocate and life coach for domestic violence survivors.

✨The book was gripping from the start as it totally related with being a newly wed Indian bride and can teach you many lessons into spirituality, parenting and many more.

✨The book can easily be read by both fiction and non fiction readers. It can prove to be inspiring and helpful for domestic abuse victims as well. It might have triggers in pages, but while coming towards the end, you will definitely love it

[Sandra Cruz · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting memoir about surviving domestic abuse.
My Review