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Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship Between Men and Women
"Dan Brennan provides a provocative path to rethinking our sexuality and cross-gender friendships. It may be that sex scandals and broken marriages among Christians is the result of a famine in cross-gender friendships. With sensitivity and insight Brennan explores an often uncomfortable topic and what may be the Achilies' heel of Christian relationships. A must read for people seeking to build authentic Christian community." Lilian Calles Barger, author, Eve's Revenge .
186 pages, Paperback
First published February 16, 2010
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January 20, 2025
Evangelicals confess to knowing the unbelievable mystery that in Jesus Christ, God took on human flesh. Evangelicals are also often terrified (or at least suspicious) of opposite-sex friendships. The "Billy Graham rule," cited by former vice-president Mike Pence a few years ago, is evidence of this. Aimee Byrd has written astutely about male-female relations in Why Can't We Be Friends?: Avoidance Is Not Purity.
Dan J. Brennan's book Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship Between Men and Women addresses the thorny issue of whether or not men and women can be friends. Conservative, complementarian evangelicals tend to be fatalistic when it comes to male-female friendships; men and women who become close to one another will inevitably wind up in bed. Yet, as Brennan reminds us, if Jesus is our model for being a person-in-relation, is it not possible that we can enjoy chaste friendships between the sexes? Is suspicion of intimacy between opposite sex friends not a byproduct of Freudian thinking rather than indicative of the New Creation?
I think Brennan has compiled a lot of good thinking on male-female relationships and I think his vision for male-female friendships is laudable. There is something deeply immature with thinking that men and women cannot be good friends; what's more, for single people, close friendship is the most significant form of intimacy that they have. One of Brennan's points that most stood out to me was when he discussed Jesus, dying on the Cross, instructing the Apostle John to take Jesus' own mother, Mary, into his home; though based on tradition, here Jesus is telling one of his youngest disciples (Brennan speculates John to be in this thirties but I would actually make the case he would be younger than that) to take a woman (like in her forties) into his home and nowhere is there the suggestion or hint that such a relationship is untoward (and yet is such an arrangement necessary today?).
In many respects, my attitude towards Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions is much like my attitude towards Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation and The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth; I am entirely sympathetic to the premise, but I think the book itself is rather flawed in its arguments.
Despite Brennan's continual talk of "embodiment," I found his book to be strangely disembodied when it came to the actual practice of friendship between men and women. Brennan does mention that he and his female friends hold hands while praying but there is a scarcity of information about the dynamics of male-female friendship. Brennan is effusive in his championing of opposite-sex friendships but what does this actually look like in practice? His wife writes the foreward to the book but I wish that her perspective was more included. What does she think about Brennan going hiking or to a game with a female friend? How does Brennan, his wife, and his female friend(s) navigate and negotiate their friendships? I wish that he had provided more tangible examples of what cross-sex friendship looks like. The book is overly theoretical and vague ("We can enjoy the dance of friendship! We can glory in one another's beauty!").
Brennan's task is challenging conservative evangelicals' suspicion of opposite-sex friendships but he fails to adequately address objections or qualms these conservative evangelicals have. He spends a lot of time (rightly!) insisting that men and women can be friends without it inevitably culminating in sex but I think his book would have been stronger if he had laid out guidelines or suggestions for appropriate behaviour. Does he discuss his marriage with his female friends? Does he text his female friends late at night? Are his female friends also friends with his wife? Avoiding sex can be easier than (even unintentionally) giving birth to an emotional affair - and that is a danger (a subtler danger) that Brennan just doesn't really mention at all.
Brennan chides evangelicals for their uptightness about male-female friendships and he glowingly looks to the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox traditions for examples of chaste, holy cross-sex friendships. And yet, I think he is a bit naïve about these friendships. For one, I do think there is quite a bit of difference between a priest or monk befriending a woman and a married man befriending a woman (and vice-versa); both the priest and the married man profess vows but they are of a drastically different nature. While it's true that there can be chaste friendships between men and women, one need only consider the famous case of Abelard and Heloise as proof that cross-sex friendships can deepen into something scandalous. The nature of friendship in the twenty-first century is also just incredibly different from centuries past; Francis de Sales was not Snapchatting Jane Frances de Chantal.
One question I had was what are Brennan's same-sex friendships like? Of course, this book is about male-female friendships but it would have been interesting if Brennan had compared his friendships with other men to his friendships with women. Men and women are inherently, mysteriously, different, distinct, but what is it about his female friends that Brennan receives that he doesn't from his male friends? I think that we as human beings do deeply yearn for touch (Handle with Care: How Jesus Redeems the Power of Touch in Life and Ministry) but what distinguishes for Brennan a hug from a male friend and a female friend?
As others have pointed out, the book badly needed an editor as there are noticeable mistakes and a lot of repetition. Brennan also seems addicted to citations. It would have been a much stronger book if he halved his citations and replaced them with real-life experience and examples of what he was talking about.
Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions provides a commendable vision for male-female friendships. At its base, I agree with Dan Brennan on this vision (he is "preaching to the choir") but I also think he articulates this vision in a flawed way. He chides conservative evangelicals for being too negative about male-female friendships and yet his optimism about male-female friendships also leads him to fail to address potential objections or complications that can arise when men and women become close to one another.
Dan J. Brennan's book Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship Between Men and Women addresses the thorny issue of whether or not men and women can be friends. Conservative, complementarian evangelicals tend to be fatalistic when it comes to male-female friendships; men and women who become close to one another will inevitably wind up in bed. Yet, as Brennan reminds us, if Jesus is our model for being a person-in-relation, is it not possible that we can enjoy chaste friendships between the sexes? Is suspicion of intimacy between opposite sex friends not a byproduct of Freudian thinking rather than indicative of the New Creation?
I think Brennan has compiled a lot of good thinking on male-female relationships and I think his vision for male-female friendships is laudable. There is something deeply immature with thinking that men and women cannot be good friends; what's more, for single people, close friendship is the most significant form of intimacy that they have. One of Brennan's points that most stood out to me was when he discussed Jesus, dying on the Cross, instructing the Apostle John to take Jesus' own mother, Mary, into his home; though based on tradition, here Jesus is telling one of his youngest disciples (Brennan speculates John to be in this thirties but I would actually make the case he would be younger than that) to take a woman (like in her forties) into his home and nowhere is there the suggestion or hint that such a relationship is untoward (and yet is such an arrangement necessary today?).
In many respects, my attitude towards Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions is much like my attitude towards Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation and The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth; I am entirely sympathetic to the premise, but I think the book itself is rather flawed in its arguments.
Despite Brennan's continual talk of "embodiment," I found his book to be strangely disembodied when it came to the actual practice of friendship between men and women. Brennan does mention that he and his female friends hold hands while praying but there is a scarcity of information about the dynamics of male-female friendship. Brennan is effusive in his championing of opposite-sex friendships but what does this actually look like in practice? His wife writes the foreward to the book but I wish that her perspective was more included. What does she think about Brennan going hiking or to a game with a female friend? How does Brennan, his wife, and his female friend(s) navigate and negotiate their friendships? I wish that he had provided more tangible examples of what cross-sex friendship looks like. The book is overly theoretical and vague ("We can enjoy the dance of friendship! We can glory in one another's beauty!").
Brennan's task is challenging conservative evangelicals' suspicion of opposite-sex friendships but he fails to adequately address objections or qualms these conservative evangelicals have. He spends a lot of time (rightly!) insisting that men and women can be friends without it inevitably culminating in sex but I think his book would have been stronger if he had laid out guidelines or suggestions for appropriate behaviour. Does he discuss his marriage with his female friends? Does he text his female friends late at night? Are his female friends also friends with his wife? Avoiding sex can be easier than (even unintentionally) giving birth to an emotional affair - and that is a danger (a subtler danger) that Brennan just doesn't really mention at all.
Brennan chides evangelicals for their uptightness about male-female friendships and he glowingly looks to the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox traditions for examples of chaste, holy cross-sex friendships. And yet, I think he is a bit naïve about these friendships. For one, I do think there is quite a bit of difference between a priest or monk befriending a woman and a married man befriending a woman (and vice-versa); both the priest and the married man profess vows but they are of a drastically different nature. While it's true that there can be chaste friendships between men and women, one need only consider the famous case of Abelard and Heloise as proof that cross-sex friendships can deepen into something scandalous. The nature of friendship in the twenty-first century is also just incredibly different from centuries past; Francis de Sales was not Snapchatting Jane Frances de Chantal.
One question I had was what are Brennan's same-sex friendships like? Of course, this book is about male-female friendships but it would have been interesting if Brennan had compared his friendships with other men to his friendships with women. Men and women are inherently, mysteriously, different, distinct, but what is it about his female friends that Brennan receives that he doesn't from his male friends? I think that we as human beings do deeply yearn for touch (Handle with Care: How Jesus Redeems the Power of Touch in Life and Ministry) but what distinguishes for Brennan a hug from a male friend and a female friend?
As others have pointed out, the book badly needed an editor as there are noticeable mistakes and a lot of repetition. Brennan also seems addicted to citations. It would have been a much stronger book if he halved his citations and replaced them with real-life experience and examples of what he was talking about.
Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions provides a commendable vision for male-female friendships. At its base, I agree with Dan Brennan on this vision (he is "preaching to the choir") but I also think he articulates this vision in a flawed way. He chides conservative evangelicals for being too negative about male-female friendships and yet his optimism about male-female friendships also leads him to fail to address potential objections or complications that can arise when men and women become close to one another.
March 14, 2011
In just a short book, Dan Brennan makes a strong case for throwing out almost everything you've learned from the evangelical church about cross-gender friendships outside of marriage. While at times it felt like he was trying to stretch his material enough to make it book-length, his argument resonates with me. It's worth considering how much more our own lives (and the church!) would flourish if these friendships were encouraged rather than dismissed.
April 14, 2018
I recently learnt that Dan could not not get a publisher for this title. That this book is 'provocative' for Christians is unfortunate.
I found out about this book through Dan's Amazon review of a book on cross-Sex relations. I had been feeling unsettled about how the dominant platform for interaction with the opposite sex is often a romantic one, and was struggling with how I ought to interact with men as a young single female.
This book has been helpful in debunking myths that have dominated Christian circles for so long and unintentionally shackled people from experiencing enriching friendships, even just same sex friendships. What I love most about Sacred Unions Sacred Passions is how it shows that God's desire for us I do mature in mutual love and faith. That for me is all the motivation I need to be more intentional in my cross sex friendships.
Don't be fooled; this seemingly short book is a lot to digest. It brings up views that are so radically different to what a have been socialized to think of male-female friendships, I at many points in time had to put my book down and think for a moment. Not gonna lie, some parts made me uncomfortable. And I think that's the point of the book.
I, however, wish that Dan took more time (in dedicated continous text) distinguishing marital relations from cross-sex friendships. I felt like a lot of lines were blurred and I ended up confused as to the point of marriage.
This book I the kind one ought to read over and over again. I certainly shall.
I found out about this book through Dan's Amazon review of a book on cross-Sex relations. I had been feeling unsettled about how the dominant platform for interaction with the opposite sex is often a romantic one, and was struggling with how I ought to interact with men as a young single female.
This book has been helpful in debunking myths that have dominated Christian circles for so long and unintentionally shackled people from experiencing enriching friendships, even just same sex friendships. What I love most about Sacred Unions Sacred Passions is how it shows that God's desire for us I do mature in mutual love and faith. That for me is all the motivation I need to be more intentional in my cross sex friendships.
Don't be fooled; this seemingly short book is a lot to digest. It brings up views that are so radically different to what a have been socialized to think of male-female friendships, I at many points in time had to put my book down and think for a moment. Not gonna lie, some parts made me uncomfortable. And I think that's the point of the book.
I, however, wish that Dan took more time (in dedicated continous text) distinguishing marital relations from cross-sex friendships. I felt like a lot of lines were blurred and I ended up confused as to the point of marriage.
This book I the kind one ought to read over and over again. I certainly shall.
March 2, 2021
I’ve enjoyed many thought provoking and meaningful conversations sparked by this book, however ultimately I am left with more questions than answers and a vague sense that the author does not like the audience whom he intends to reach. Still there is something about Brennan’s call to more meaning, depth, oneness, and intentionality in our marriages and friendships that resonates with me...especially in the context of how we relate to the opposite sex in biblical Christian community.
Besides what felt like a condescending tone, I also found the book very repetitive. There are dozens of words that are repeated every couple pages, and many of those words (intimacy, passion, intensity, sexuality, romanticism, mystery, communion, danger) were often used in ambiguous ways. Words that I often think of as weighty quickly lost their meaning and their weight due to overuse and exaggeration. Initially intrigued by Brennan’s call to balance caution and risk in pursuit of biblical cross-sex friendship in Christian community, he slowly looses me as his philosophical theories and examples from scripture or history were simply restated over and over (and possibly overstated), without any obvious practical applications or conclusions.
Besides what felt like a condescending tone, I also found the book very repetitive. There are dozens of words that are repeated every couple pages, and many of those words (intimacy, passion, intensity, sexuality, romanticism, mystery, communion, danger) were often used in ambiguous ways. Words that I often think of as weighty quickly lost their meaning and their weight due to overuse and exaggeration. Initially intrigued by Brennan’s call to balance caution and risk in pursuit of biblical cross-sex friendship in Christian community, he slowly looses me as his philosophical theories and examples from scripture or history were simply restated over and over (and possibly overstated), without any obvious practical applications or conclusions.
April 26, 2019
First, the book lacks quality editing. In several places, especially later in the book, a word or phrase is missing that would change the meaning, or a complete verb is missing. It forces the reader to guess at the context.
Second, the author extensively overused the word "embodied," as I counted its use at least once in nearly every paragraph of the book.
Third, the author uses stories of David and Jonathan, and of Ruth and Naomi, to defend his premises about cross- sex friendships.
Finally, I see the author's premise and misuse of scripture as not only foolish, but dangerous in a world of so many divorces, even among Christians. The standards he portrays as being immature might be the standard that saves a marriage. I do NOT recommend this book.
Second, the author extensively overused the word "embodied," as I counted its use at least once in nearly every paragraph of the book.
Third, the author uses stories of David and Jonathan, and of Ruth and Naomi, to defend his premises about cross- sex friendships.
Finally, I see the author's premise and misuse of scripture as not only foolish, but dangerous in a world of so many divorces, even among Christians. The standards he portrays as being immature might be the standard that saves a marriage. I do NOT recommend this book.
February 6, 2015
Jesus prayed that his followers would be one in the same way that he and the Father are one yet the Christian community often works to divide us. Men's Bible studies, women's Bible studies, senior groups, married groups, singles groups, Youth groups, ad infinitum.
Jesus said people could tell his followers by how they loved each other, yet much of today's Christian community is fearful of deep love and intimacy with brother and sister christians.
This book explores the deepness and wonder of a community in which these two desires of Jesus are accomplished.
The author, through biblical studies, review of Christian history, and personal experience, narrows the true meaning of friend and expands the meaning of intimacy.
Jesus said people could tell his followers by how they loved each other, yet much of today's Christian community is fearful of deep love and intimacy with brother and sister christians.
This book explores the deepness and wonder of a community in which these two desires of Jesus are accomplished.
The author, through biblical studies, review of Christian history, and personal experience, narrows the true meaning of friend and expands the meaning of intimacy.
March 30, 2011
Short review: I think this is a great book that really takes on the need for deep friendships in a modern world and set aside as a special need cross gender friendships. It is so good that I am going to host a blog discussion on it starting April 18, 2011.
I have a couple more books that I will send you free if you participate.
I will update this when the blog discussion is over.
My post about the blog discussion http://bookwi.se/sacred-union-sacred-...
My fuller review on my blog http://bookwi.se/sacred-unions-brennan/
I have a couple more books that I will send you free if you participate.
I will update this when the blog discussion is over.
My post about the blog discussion http://bookwi.se/sacred-union-sacred-...
My fuller review on my blog http://bookwi.se/sacred-unions-brennan/
August 9, 2016
"At it's core, this is a book about friendship, and about challenging us to do friendship better. I think the second paragraph of the foreword sums it up well: 'While the concept of friendship has been expanded to such a degree that it has largely been diluted, the concept of intimacy has been narrowed to mean primarily sexual intimacy, and within the Christian community, exclusive marital sexual intimacy.'" Click here to continue reading my review.
Read
February 11, 2015There's a lot to like here, a lot I still need to chew on, and a lot that I'm still not sure about. I'm on board with a lot of what Brennan says, but probably not with all of it, at least not to the fullest extent. I do agree with the main thesis, though -- that "chaste, passionate, enduring male-female friendships bear witness to the powerful, redemptive love which should be normative, not exceptional, for [God's] people."
September 19, 2013
This book invites us to rethink Christian relationships, specifically Christian friendships, and especially those friendships between members of the opposite sex. This book laid out clearly some of the thoughts I have had around friendships for some time. For those in opposite sex friendships trying to understand their value in a religious setting that condemns them, this is a great read.
February 11, 2013
"Yet, the story of Christ must not allow Freud to have the final word on sexuality and friendship."
AND
"When the husband-wife model is exalted as the only relationship where passionate oneness occurs, we have set up false boundaries of safety, romance, and male-female intimacy."
AND
"When the husband-wife model is exalted as the only relationship where passionate oneness occurs, we have set up false boundaries of safety, romance, and male-female intimacy."
Want to read
June 16, 2010On my TBR now. Been hearing quite a lot of buzz on this one.
February 1, 2016
This book will cause great conversations for years to come.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews