What do you think?
Rate this book
Staying Close: Stopping the Natural Drift Toward Isolation in Marriage
Countless married couples end up living alone – in the same house. Over twenty-eight years of conducting "Weekend to Remember" conferences have convinced Dennis and Barbara Rainey that isolation is the number-one problem in marriages today. But they believe it's possible to overcome "marital drift" and experience the miracle of oneness. This book provides a positive, workable strategy for keeping your marriage vital and intimate. Included are proven principles and hands-on exercises to help Previous 0-8499-3343-9
336 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1992
63 people are currently reading
201 people want to read
About the author
Dennis Rainey
193 books36 followersDennis Rainey is president and CEO of FamilyLife, a division of Cru. Dennis and his wife, Barbara, have spoken at Weekend to Remember conferences around the world. Dennis serves as the daily host of the radio program "FamilyLife Today". He and Barbara have authored more than two dozen books, including the bestselling "Moments Together for Intimacy" and" Moments Together for Couples". The Raineys have six children and nineteen grandchildren.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
October 19, 2025
This book is horrible. I don’t know how it got on my list. Sorry if you were the one who recommended it to me. The only good thing it has going for it is recognizing loneliness and isolation are pretty much the first symptom to marital dissatisfaction.
Before the book even starts, on the back of the cover page where the tiny print includes the copyright date and other technical details that most books have, it says “Editor’s Note: One technical point to make reading this book less cumbersome: any use of the personal pronoun “I” will mean that Dennis is speaking. All of Barbara’s comments are found in chapters 15 and 16.” I almost quit the book before I started. Having a book with a dual voice is so “cumbersome” that out of 24 chapters, the woman’s voice gets TWO chapters?! Give me a break.
It opens up with a story of a police man showing up to a house because of a “4-15 Family Disturbance” call. The man has prison tattoos. The man has removed something from the car engine so the woman can’t leave. The wife was having an affair and wanted to leave. The husband wants his “things” which turns out to be “narcotics he was dealing in.” The wife wants one of the 3 family VCRs. The man said he wasn’t interested in counseling. Then the police officer notices 8 and 10 yr old girls. Once the husband and wife each got their stuff, the husband says “which one do you want?” The mother chose the older one. They went on their separate ways.
And Rainey says the family died because of “a disease called Isolation”. Wow.
Chapter 5: Why is it so hard to keep all those plates spinning?
p39 Rainey wonders what happened to the “simple life”
p40 Rainey reminiscing on the 1800s when “life was fairly simple. The economy was basically agrarian and most people lived on farms, working EIGHTY HOUR WEEKS” (emphasis mine). Yeah right. Such a simple life. Rainey then blames marital dissatisfaction on the sexy ads that are everywhere.
Chapter 8: There’s more than one way to have an affair
P84 has a table titled
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR MATE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR (all caps as in the book) The first 2 of 7 bullet points are:
* Make your home a haven, not a hassle
* Nuture your “attraction quotient.” Don’t wear grubbies around the house. Lose a few pounds, smile, be warm.
Because if your spouse is having an affair, it is YOUR FAULT for wearing “grubbies” around the house and not smiling more?!?! For real. He goes on to preach the incredibly harmful pitch that a man “holding eye contact too long” with a woman is sinful.
Chapter 11: Gods purpose for oneness
p113 Rainey claims it sinful and selfish to want 0, 1, or 2 kids since God calls Christians to die to self and populate the world.
Chapter 12: The master plan for oneness
P127 Rainey believes dependence on your parents in any way will ruin your marriage.
Chapter 14: The making of a servant-leader
p150 “ God has placed the husband in a position of responsibility… your wife may be resisting you, fighting you, and spurning your attempts to lead, but it makes no difference. I believe she subconsciously wants you and needs you to lead.” Yes because women are so incompetent.
p156 “ it is the husband’s responsibility to take a long, hard look at why his wife is working outside the home - and the results of that job… is your wife working to help provide real needs, or is her check going for material toys and the pursuit of that elusive myth called the American dream?” Because a women’s place is at home, not working outside the home to buy “toys”.
Chapter 15: How to love your husband
This is one of only 2 chapters written by Barbara and it opens up with a story that tells me I 100% never want to be married to a man like Dennis and all his ideals are garbage. Barbara calls it one of her “no-good, horrible, very bad days that come along occasionally”. I call it a husband that is completely disconnected from what his wife is doing.
Barbara is getting ready for an 8 day trip with all 6 kids plus her & her husband. In preparation, she was packing ALL EIGHT SUITCASES, cleaning the house, preparing dinner, and packing the car. That morning, the washing machine broke and the youngest was sick with an ear infection. Leaving the other children with a friend, she drove the oldest to piano lessons, then the 4 oldest to youth group, then put the youngest 2 to bed.
Why didn’t Dennis come home from work early to help with the sick kid? Why was Barbara packing her husband’s and ALL the kids’ suitcases? Why didn’t the older ones pack their own suitcases? Why is Barbara doing everything? Then Dennis tells her “she should have planned ahead & this wouldn’t have happened”. No. Way. Barbara says “I tell this story here, not to gain sympathy, but simply to say it’s not easy to be a wife”. This is supposed to inspire me?? Yeah it’s not easy when your husband is not helping with the 6 kids or helping himself! “There are times, as I try to follow Dennis’s leadership, when I experience stress, have to take risks, or make sacrifices because he doesn’t always do the things I would do”. Yeah cause he is not portraying all the “Godly leadership” he just “explained” in the previous chapter.
p164 “Wives have always found it difficult to live with what they want most - a husband” 🤢🤢🤮 Maybe husbands need to do better.
p164 “…wives have the privilege of being created for what I believe is an additional higher purpose - completing man where he was lacking”
Chapter 15: A mothers influence
p185 “The problem is, a majority of mothers are now working outside the home either part-time or full-time, which severely limits the amount of time they are able to devote their children.” Because a mom evidently has no other sense of self or purpose. Just stay home, cook, clean, and raise kids that can’t pack their own suitcases. Mind you, in chapter 12 (p127) Rainey is very adamant that in order for a marriage to succeed, “you must establish independence from the parents or any others who may have reared you”. So a mom is meant to be solely a wife & mom, but also lose all her children when they grow up? Then what is her purpose? Pamper the husband?
p189 “I love you enough to spank you for disobeying me”. How about teach him how to make it right?
Nothing about this book is what I want my marriage to look like.
Before the book even starts, on the back of the cover page where the tiny print includes the copyright date and other technical details that most books have, it says “Editor’s Note: One technical point to make reading this book less cumbersome: any use of the personal pronoun “I” will mean that Dennis is speaking. All of Barbara’s comments are found in chapters 15 and 16.” I almost quit the book before I started. Having a book with a dual voice is so “cumbersome” that out of 24 chapters, the woman’s voice gets TWO chapters?! Give me a break.
It opens up with a story of a police man showing up to a house because of a “4-15 Family Disturbance” call. The man has prison tattoos. The man has removed something from the car engine so the woman can’t leave. The wife was having an affair and wanted to leave. The husband wants his “things” which turns out to be “narcotics he was dealing in.” The wife wants one of the 3 family VCRs. The man said he wasn’t interested in counseling. Then the police officer notices 8 and 10 yr old girls. Once the husband and wife each got their stuff, the husband says “which one do you want?” The mother chose the older one. They went on their separate ways.
And Rainey says the family died because of “a disease called Isolation”. Wow.
Chapter 5: Why is it so hard to keep all those plates spinning?
p39 Rainey wonders what happened to the “simple life”
p40 Rainey reminiscing on the 1800s when “life was fairly simple. The economy was basically agrarian and most people lived on farms, working EIGHTY HOUR WEEKS” (emphasis mine). Yeah right. Such a simple life. Rainey then blames marital dissatisfaction on the sexy ads that are everywhere.
Chapter 8: There’s more than one way to have an affair
P84 has a table titled
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR MATE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR (all caps as in the book) The first 2 of 7 bullet points are:
* Make your home a haven, not a hassle
* Nuture your “attraction quotient.” Don’t wear grubbies around the house. Lose a few pounds, smile, be warm.
Because if your spouse is having an affair, it is YOUR FAULT for wearing “grubbies” around the house and not smiling more?!?! For real. He goes on to preach the incredibly harmful pitch that a man “holding eye contact too long” with a woman is sinful.
Chapter 11: Gods purpose for oneness
p113 Rainey claims it sinful and selfish to want 0, 1, or 2 kids since God calls Christians to die to self and populate the world.
Chapter 12: The master plan for oneness
P127 Rainey believes dependence on your parents in any way will ruin your marriage.
Chapter 14: The making of a servant-leader
p150 “ God has placed the husband in a position of responsibility… your wife may be resisting you, fighting you, and spurning your attempts to lead, but it makes no difference. I believe she subconsciously wants you and needs you to lead.” Yes because women are so incompetent.
p156 “ it is the husband’s responsibility to take a long, hard look at why his wife is working outside the home - and the results of that job… is your wife working to help provide real needs, or is her check going for material toys and the pursuit of that elusive myth called the American dream?” Because a women’s place is at home, not working outside the home to buy “toys”.
Chapter 15: How to love your husband
This is one of only 2 chapters written by Barbara and it opens up with a story that tells me I 100% never want to be married to a man like Dennis and all his ideals are garbage. Barbara calls it one of her “no-good, horrible, very bad days that come along occasionally”. I call it a husband that is completely disconnected from what his wife is doing.
Barbara is getting ready for an 8 day trip with all 6 kids plus her & her husband. In preparation, she was packing ALL EIGHT SUITCASES, cleaning the house, preparing dinner, and packing the car. That morning, the washing machine broke and the youngest was sick with an ear infection. Leaving the other children with a friend, she drove the oldest to piano lessons, then the 4 oldest to youth group, then put the youngest 2 to bed.
Why didn’t Dennis come home from work early to help with the sick kid? Why was Barbara packing her husband’s and ALL the kids’ suitcases? Why didn’t the older ones pack their own suitcases? Why is Barbara doing everything? Then Dennis tells her “she should have planned ahead & this wouldn’t have happened”. No. Way. Barbara says “I tell this story here, not to gain sympathy, but simply to say it’s not easy to be a wife”. This is supposed to inspire me?? Yeah it’s not easy when your husband is not helping with the 6 kids or helping himself! “There are times, as I try to follow Dennis’s leadership, when I experience stress, have to take risks, or make sacrifices because he doesn’t always do the things I would do”. Yeah cause he is not portraying all the “Godly leadership” he just “explained” in the previous chapter.
p164 “Wives have always found it difficult to live with what they want most - a husband” 🤢🤢🤮 Maybe husbands need to do better.
p164 “…wives have the privilege of being created for what I believe is an additional higher purpose - completing man where he was lacking”
Chapter 15: A mothers influence
p185 “The problem is, a majority of mothers are now working outside the home either part-time or full-time, which severely limits the amount of time they are able to devote their children.” Because a mom evidently has no other sense of self or purpose. Just stay home, cook, clean, and raise kids that can’t pack their own suitcases. Mind you, in chapter 12 (p127) Rainey is very adamant that in order for a marriage to succeed, “you must establish independence from the parents or any others who may have reared you”. So a mom is meant to be solely a wife & mom, but also lose all her children when they grow up? Then what is her purpose? Pamper the husband?
p189 “I love you enough to spank you for disobeying me”. How about teach him how to make it right?
Nothing about this book is what I want my marriage to look like.
July 25, 2019
Dennis Rainey makes a strong case as to how isolation will creep into marriage and pull us apart. A oneness marriage is made with a focus on God first, understanding through God’s eyes and knowledge of God’s plan with people to help encourage us to apply it! Having a oneness marriage will allow us to mirror God’s image to those around us and our children. It goes into detail about the differences between men and women, roles and responsibilities of each, building communication through transparency and resolving conflict.
February 25, 2024
The message and content of this book by Rainey is rock-solid. Very consistent but also vast, like a catalogue of topics that have to do with overcoming isolation in marriage. Other than the chapters feeling a bit long or bloated, I really enjoyed reading this book and was challenged to be a better husband!
Rating: 7/10
Rating: 7/10
July 15, 2017
Great book
It was easy to read and left me wanting to participate in the Homebuilders series. Thanks for making it fun.
It was easy to read and left me wanting to participate in the Homebuilders series. Thanks for making it fun.
August 31, 2012
Excellent book for new couples, marriedd or not, on how to gain a better understanding of your mate. Loved it!
October 23, 2017
Great book
Loved this book, but a little lengthy... felt like it could have been condensed a bit. Very practical/helpful. Would recommend.
Loved this book, but a little lengthy... felt like it could have been condensed a bit. Very practical/helpful. Would recommend.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews