What do you think?
Rate this book
The Ethics of Interpersonal Relationships
Writing this book springs from a deep feeling for people and a grave concern that without a proper understanding of the reasons for their inhumanity in relation to one another and the development of a compassionate world view, it is likely that human beings may eventually destroy themselves and life on the planet. This work is an attempt to explain the source of destructive behaviour and how it manifests itself in personal relationships between men, women, couples, and families, and in the social arena. The author presents a position that offers a hope of altering the destiny of humankind's unethical behavior through better psychological understanding and education. Understanding the source of a person's aggressiveness in defending the fantasy bond and learning to cope with the voice process have strong implications for child-rearing and better mental health practices.
- GenresPsychologyPhilosophy
464 pages, Paperback
First published May 29, 2009
6 people are currently reading
107 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
March 7, 2018
This book is ABSOLUTELY incredible in its breadth of understanding human nature and society. I read Firestone's "Overcoming the Inner Critical Voice" last year and that's why I looked into his other books and discovered this precious gem.
Basic theory: The book is the author's lived theory (40+ years in a community called the Friendship Circle) that explains how defense mechanisms developed during childhood (the Fantasy Bond and Inner Critical Voice) lead to dysfunction in families and society.
Fantasy Bond--Let's say you're five and your mom is screaming terribly at you. You can't get mad because she's your source of survival and the fantasy bond comes into play. In order to self-soothe, you "merge" with your mom (creating a "fantasy bond") and thus are able to leave behind the terrified angry child. By pretending in your mind and holding tight to the love that you imagine your mother feels toward you, self-regulation is achieved. This is how abused children especially learn to psychologically survive growing up with a violent or mentally ill parent. Unfortunately, we unconsciously absorb that angry mother as well, which is why the fantasy bond is problematic. As adults, the fantasy bond continues in other projections where we see ourselves as superior or inferior to others, identifying with a specific religion or political orientation, basically an action where we create an "in" group and an "out" group. One side comment is that the more a couple is invested in maintaining the fantasy bond (the projected idea of who and what they think they are or they "should" be) rather than open, honest, and vulnerable communication, the more the child that couple has learns to internalize their parent's defended state (and has a harder time breaking free of these two defense mechanisms).
Inner Critical Voice--the voice of the mean parent that lives on in our heads as adults. While we internalize the good things that were projected onto us as kids we also internalize the bad things said (critical voice). Firestone has developed what he calls "voice therapy" where you externalize your critical voice by saying its thoughts in 2nd person. Mine would be like, "You are a lazy spoiled brat" or some such and it is always inevitably the voice of my primary caregiver. The idea of journaling or saying the voice outloud in 2nd person is to externalize it and give it less power over our lives.
In the book ALL people have this fantasy bond and critical voice but only some people seek to move beyond it, to live honestly, aiming for the qualities outlined that this ethical personality possesses. Anyway that's my summary, no way I can explain the whole book in a few paragraphs. The theory is fascinating especially how people oftentimes cannot handle positive changes in their lives, (explains some of the psychology behind why people win the lottery, spend everything, and end up poor again). Essentially they unconsciously sacrifice their happiness in order to maintain what the author calls a "psychological equilibrium" which involves the above two defense mechanisms, (the mechanisms were adaptive as children, but largely play out unconsciously and to our detriment as adults). The theory has helped me to understand my community better, why many people seem unable to fully be present. There are also long sections that talk about like how 7 million people did binge drinking in the last month and 40% of automobile accidents are someone under the influence of alcohol and just how the need to numb these defense mechanisms leads to a lot of pain and suffering in family and work life and politically, as well. The authors give solutions, suggesting alternatives to what is happening in society.
One final comment is how unconscious fears of death anxiety and existential aloneness influence people in profound ways (specifically lead to those two defense mechanisms). Like there's a study that showed judges who were reminded of death (like reminded that their death would happen one day) then gave stricter judgments after the fear was invoked in them. So the idea is that we all have this sort of unconscious programming and got it stronger or weaker from our parents depending on the mental health of our families, but that we CAN overcome it and can do our best to not pass it on to our children.
My favorite thing about the book in outlining an ethical personality is that it says all people share death in common and are not superior or inferior to each other. It says that any feelings of inferiority or superiority stem from these two defenses (stem from basically dysfunction). If I notice myself feeling inferior or superior to someone else, it is a clue to pay attention to what is happening in my thinking and has helped me dissect and discard the power these mechanisms have over my life. For me, the principles described mirror the teaching of Dave Oshana--childhood mask, adult mask, broken world and brokenness, and the importance of being open, honest, and vulnerable and the importance of Couple Love (which I dedicate my book, "The Neuroscience of Dating," to).
Basic theory: The book is the author's lived theory (40+ years in a community called the Friendship Circle) that explains how defense mechanisms developed during childhood (the Fantasy Bond and Inner Critical Voice) lead to dysfunction in families and society.
Fantasy Bond--Let's say you're five and your mom is screaming terribly at you. You can't get mad because she's your source of survival and the fantasy bond comes into play. In order to self-soothe, you "merge" with your mom (creating a "fantasy bond") and thus are able to leave behind the terrified angry child. By pretending in your mind and holding tight to the love that you imagine your mother feels toward you, self-regulation is achieved. This is how abused children especially learn to psychologically survive growing up with a violent or mentally ill parent. Unfortunately, we unconsciously absorb that angry mother as well, which is why the fantasy bond is problematic. As adults, the fantasy bond continues in other projections where we see ourselves as superior or inferior to others, identifying with a specific religion or political orientation, basically an action where we create an "in" group and an "out" group. One side comment is that the more a couple is invested in maintaining the fantasy bond (the projected idea of who and what they think they are or they "should" be) rather than open, honest, and vulnerable communication, the more the child that couple has learns to internalize their parent's defended state (and has a harder time breaking free of these two defense mechanisms).
Inner Critical Voice--the voice of the mean parent that lives on in our heads as adults. While we internalize the good things that were projected onto us as kids we also internalize the bad things said (critical voice). Firestone has developed what he calls "voice therapy" where you externalize your critical voice by saying its thoughts in 2nd person. Mine would be like, "You are a lazy spoiled brat" or some such and it is always inevitably the voice of my primary caregiver. The idea of journaling or saying the voice outloud in 2nd person is to externalize it and give it less power over our lives.
In the book ALL people have this fantasy bond and critical voice but only some people seek to move beyond it, to live honestly, aiming for the qualities outlined that this ethical personality possesses. Anyway that's my summary, no way I can explain the whole book in a few paragraphs. The theory is fascinating especially how people oftentimes cannot handle positive changes in their lives, (explains some of the psychology behind why people win the lottery, spend everything, and end up poor again). Essentially they unconsciously sacrifice their happiness in order to maintain what the author calls a "psychological equilibrium" which involves the above two defense mechanisms, (the mechanisms were adaptive as children, but largely play out unconsciously and to our detriment as adults). The theory has helped me to understand my community better, why many people seem unable to fully be present. There are also long sections that talk about like how 7 million people did binge drinking in the last month and 40% of automobile accidents are someone under the influence of alcohol and just how the need to numb these defense mechanisms leads to a lot of pain and suffering in family and work life and politically, as well. The authors give solutions, suggesting alternatives to what is happening in society.
One final comment is how unconscious fears of death anxiety and existential aloneness influence people in profound ways (specifically lead to those two defense mechanisms). Like there's a study that showed judges who were reminded of death (like reminded that their death would happen one day) then gave stricter judgments after the fear was invoked in them. So the idea is that we all have this sort of unconscious programming and got it stronger or weaker from our parents depending on the mental health of our families, but that we CAN overcome it and can do our best to not pass it on to our children.
My favorite thing about the book in outlining an ethical personality is that it says all people share death in common and are not superior or inferior to each other. It says that any feelings of inferiority or superiority stem from these two defenses (stem from basically dysfunction). If I notice myself feeling inferior or superior to someone else, it is a clue to pay attention to what is happening in my thinking and has helped me dissect and discard the power these mechanisms have over my life. For me, the principles described mirror the teaching of Dave Oshana--childhood mask, adult mask, broken world and brokenness, and the importance of being open, honest, and vulnerable and the importance of Couple Love (which I dedicate my book, "The Neuroscience of Dating," to).
January 4, 2018
Perhaps this book needs a bit of some time not only in reading (Since I have just developed a kind of penchant for psychological accounts) but also analysing and applying the very core of its ideas and experiments for a good life.
What Socrates meant when he said that the best life is the considered life. To the question, 'what is good,' then, the answer can only be: 'the considered life-free, creative, informed and chosen, a life of achievement and fulfillment, of pleasure and understanding, of love and friendship; in short, the best human life is a human life in a human world, humanely lived'.
I've marked this book as my favourite one and will re-read very soon so to grasp more and help myself in my near life. I will also recommend this book to almost everyone - yeah I agree that there is sort of things in this book which needs a bit of deep understanding since it is a psychological account which primarily deals with the 'psychotherapy' as well as with enhancing the life. This book can be coupled with several other good reads in order to comprehend better.
My friends might wonder why I've chosen this book as one of the fields to develop a taste. When I picked up this version I thought that I would just give it a casual read but as soon as I began and reading it actively it drove me into various serious and quotidian predicaments which were earlier un-noticed which now has become cognisable.
I think, perhaps, with surety, I would say that this book won't leave you even you skim through the whole of the book. It requires the very pondering over all the given as well related concepts which we often hesitate to look upon due to our invincible ignorance.
I updated this book as read quite 6-8hrs back but reviewed only when I found myself in the high cognitive state. I would certainly, reiterating here, re-read this book. This book throws light on several minute details which often, unknowingly, contribute a lot to our behaviour pattern as well as in our reflexes. This book, no doubt, that it can serve as a teacher to numerous of emotionally hunger persons and those who want to strive in their life along with the core niche of a homo sapiens i.e., the relationships.
Nothing is above and over relationships - not only the one of husband or spouse - but to every relationship that this world might contain.
I can't measure the degree of my amusement as well as the degree of awareness over the insights of our minute reflexes after going through this book. It will certainly help everyone irrespective of their fields, status, etc...
With closing comments, "To become rich - not only in the monetary terms - but in the emotional accounts, lies the great achievements of any human being on this earth."
What Socrates meant when he said that the best life is the considered life. To the question, 'what is good,' then, the answer can only be: 'the considered life-free, creative, informed and chosen, a life of achievement and fulfillment, of pleasure and understanding, of love and friendship; in short, the best human life is a human life in a human world, humanely lived'.
I've marked this book as my favourite one and will re-read very soon so to grasp more and help myself in my near life. I will also recommend this book to almost everyone - yeah I agree that there is sort of things in this book which needs a bit of deep understanding since it is a psychological account which primarily deals with the 'psychotherapy' as well as with enhancing the life. This book can be coupled with several other good reads in order to comprehend better.
My friends might wonder why I've chosen this book as one of the fields to develop a taste. When I picked up this version I thought that I would just give it a casual read but as soon as I began and reading it actively it drove me into various serious and quotidian predicaments which were earlier un-noticed which now has become cognisable.
I think, perhaps, with surety, I would say that this book won't leave you even you skim through the whole of the book. It requires the very pondering over all the given as well related concepts which we often hesitate to look upon due to our invincible ignorance.
I updated this book as read quite 6-8hrs back but reviewed only when I found myself in the high cognitive state. I would certainly, reiterating here, re-read this book. This book throws light on several minute details which often, unknowingly, contribute a lot to our behaviour pattern as well as in our reflexes. This book, no doubt, that it can serve as a teacher to numerous of emotionally hunger persons and those who want to strive in their life along with the core niche of a homo sapiens i.e., the relationships.
Nothing is above and over relationships - not only the one of husband or spouse - but to every relationship that this world might contain.
I can't measure the degree of my amusement as well as the degree of awareness over the insights of our minute reflexes after going through this book. It will certainly help everyone irrespective of their fields, status, etc...
With closing comments, "To become rich - not only in the monetary terms - but in the emotional accounts, lies the great achievements of any human being on this earth."
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews