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Tug of War: A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court
Tug of War is the first book of its kind. Written by a sitting family court judge in layman’s language, it demystifies complex family law concepts and procedures, clearly explains how family court works, and gives parents essential alternatives to resolve their own custody battles and keep their kids out of the often damaging court system.Breakup rates in North America are skyrocketing. Recent statistics say 45% of marriages end in divorce, and at the centre are countless children, thrust by their families into a complex and seemingly impermeable family court system. Tug of War explains the role of lawyers and judges in the family justice system, and examines the parents’ own responsibilities to ensure that post-separation conflicts are resolved with minimal damage to the children stuck in the middle of parental disputes. Justice Harvey Brownstone explores themes that apply to all families and parents in conflict. He draws on fourteen years sitting on the family court bench to provide clear case examples with inclusive and accessible language. Tug of War describes alternatives to litigation and exposes the myth that parents can represent themselves without a lawyer in family court. Justice Brownstone discloses the inner struggles of parents, judges and lawyers in the maelstrom of marital conflict.This book is a must-read for couples involved in or contemplating separation, family law judges, lawyers, mediators, parenting coaches, psychologists, family counselors, social workers, students and professors of family law at law schools. It is endorsed by judges currently sitting in Ontario and New York State.
- GenresNonfiction
200 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
April 11, 2026
Not necessarily a fun read, but very informative!
April 25, 2022
All cases are decided on the basis of what is best for the child, not what is best for the parents. Written by US based Justice Brownstone the purpose is to help separated and divorced parents, as well as parents who never lived together, conduct themselves with the maturity their children need and deserve, so they can resolve parenting conflicts in a civilized and proactive way, hopefully without court involvement. Advises you to get a lawyer to helps you navigate the complicated legal process. If you submit inadmissible findings, don’t complete forms properly or have an unusual argument that is irrelevant you could wind up with a very large fee as potentially having to pay the other parties legal fees as well. A lawyer can be objective, it can be hard to be objective about your current situation.
Family courts are not in the business of rewarding or punishing anyone, even though there is often a win-lose mentality among litigants — and, unfortunately, even among some misguided lawyers. Everyone should be mindful that there are no winners in family court when the fighting continues — everyone loses, especially the children.”
It is worth pointing out a central message in this book is that for children, the process of litigation can be extremely damaging. This is primarily due to the unbelievable stress children experience from being at the centre of their parents’ tug of war. Children wait for months, and sometimes years, to learn which
parent they are going to live with, while their parents prolong this uncertainty through relentless bickering, personal attacks, and obstructionist tactics.
Asking yourself a question can two parents who love their child or children allow a total stranger to make crucial decisions about their child’s living arrangements, health, education, extracurricular activities, vacation time, and degree of contact with each parent?
Judges seldom witness maturity in parents. Being mature is defined as caring enough about your children that you will force yourself to deal in a civilized way with someone you may hate. It also means thinking twice and measuring your words carefully before you shoot your mouth off when you’re upset with your ex-partner, especially in front of the children. It means always insulating your children from parental conflict so they know your breakup has nothing to do with them. It means doing what is necessary to make the transition in your children’s lives as easy for them as possible. Being mature means putting your children’s needs ahead of your own. It means truly understanding and accepting that your children are entitled to love and be loved by both of their parents. It means giving your children emotional permission to express and receive that love, even though you and the other parent dislike each other. Being mature means being willing and able to reach compromises so that your children can have peace rather than be caught in a tug of war and conflict of loyalties.
Cases usually end in one of three ways:
1. a trial is held (which is very rare),
2. one or both parties withdraws from the case or simply stops participating in it and is deemed to
have abandoned it (usually because he/she is financially and/or emotionally drained and has decided to “give up”)
3. the parties have negotiated a resolution to the dispute, in which case the court will usually make a final order in the terms of their agreement.
4. Sadly, the parents keep litigating for so long that the child in question grows up and becomes an adult.
You can be an ex-partner, but you are never going to be an ex-parent. If you truly accept that your children are innocent and bear no responsibility for your separation, then you know that they are entitled to be part of a family and to have their parents behave like family members, even though they live apart.
Check out my VLOG Summary: https://youtu.be/GMFqSRXOYaU
Family courts are not in the business of rewarding or punishing anyone, even though there is often a win-lose mentality among litigants — and, unfortunately, even among some misguided lawyers. Everyone should be mindful that there are no winners in family court when the fighting continues — everyone loses, especially the children.”
It is worth pointing out a central message in this book is that for children, the process of litigation can be extremely damaging. This is primarily due to the unbelievable stress children experience from being at the centre of their parents’ tug of war. Children wait for months, and sometimes years, to learn which
parent they are going to live with, while their parents prolong this uncertainty through relentless bickering, personal attacks, and obstructionist tactics.
Asking yourself a question can two parents who love their child or children allow a total stranger to make crucial decisions about their child’s living arrangements, health, education, extracurricular activities, vacation time, and degree of contact with each parent?
Judges seldom witness maturity in parents. Being mature is defined as caring enough about your children that you will force yourself to deal in a civilized way with someone you may hate. It also means thinking twice and measuring your words carefully before you shoot your mouth off when you’re upset with your ex-partner, especially in front of the children. It means always insulating your children from parental conflict so they know your breakup has nothing to do with them. It means doing what is necessary to make the transition in your children’s lives as easy for them as possible. Being mature means putting your children’s needs ahead of your own. It means truly understanding and accepting that your children are entitled to love and be loved by both of their parents. It means giving your children emotional permission to express and receive that love, even though you and the other parent dislike each other. Being mature means being willing and able to reach compromises so that your children can have peace rather than be caught in a tug of war and conflict of loyalties.
Cases usually end in one of three ways:
1. a trial is held (which is very rare),
2. one or both parties withdraws from the case or simply stops participating in it and is deemed to
have abandoned it (usually because he/she is financially and/or emotionally drained and has decided to “give up”)
3. the parties have negotiated a resolution to the dispute, in which case the court will usually make a final order in the terms of their agreement.
4. Sadly, the parents keep litigating for so long that the child in question grows up and becomes an adult.
You can be an ex-partner, but you are never going to be an ex-parent. If you truly accept that your children are innocent and bear no responsibility for your separation, then you know that they are entitled to be part of a family and to have their parents behave like family members, even though they live apart.
Check out my VLOG Summary: https://youtu.be/GMFqSRXOYaU
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 9, 2023
It had some decent info but the biggest advice from the book is to get a lawyer. A lawyer knows your laws and regulations and it's hard to ask questions without one.
The sections are labeled perfectly so I could skip over the sections that weren't relevant.
The sections are labeled perfectly so I could skip over the sections that weren't relevant.
August 20, 2018
Amazing insite and compelling advice.
December 11, 2022
This was patronising and read very much like a self help book without giving much help.
November 11, 2014
This book should be mandatory reading for parents in the middle of a relationship breakdown. The author, a judge presiding in the Ontario Court of Justice, provides valuable advice to parents attempting to navigate through the complex family court system. The book contains a great deal of wisdom that is conveyed with a sense of humour. It's a book written by a judge with parents as is target audience, though lawyers will benefit from the read as well. The book is written in language that is very accessible and contains a bibliography of recommended reading that parents may find useful. There should be a kiosk with this book for sale at every courthouse. You don't need to be living in Ontario to benefit from Justice Brownstone's decision either. Americans and Canadians living in other jurisdictions can benefit from the read just as well as Ontarians.
August 11, 2011
Read through and high lighted a lot of the book. Very interesting to see a judges point of view when it comes to separation/divorce. It'll be a good reference book to have in school/career.
October 29, 2012
I liked his common sense approach, I liked what he had to say re: access visits 'Parents cant pick favorite child-why should child pick favortie parent?
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews