This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today

by Kristin Maschka

An important look at motherhood and family dynamics in the 21st century?by the national spokesperson of Mothers & More.

Kristin Maschka, past president of Mothers & More, a national organization with more than 140 chapters across the country, shines a spotlight on the complex issues mothers face?at work, in their homes, their lives, and with their partners? and shows how the hidden assumptions that society, the media, public policy, and women themselves hold about motherhood can sabotage a mother?s happiness.

Maschka weaves together her own story, anecdotes from mothers all over the country, and a deep knowledge of history and society to offer mothers a comforting, often funny read that helps them see themselves and the world around them in a whole new way. At the same time she provides specific actions women can take today to remodel motherhood to live the lives they always thought they would.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

400 pages, Paperback

First published October 6, 2009

Reviews

[Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the interest of full disclosure, I know (and really, really like) the author of this book. She is my boyfriend's sister-in-law. She is an awesome woman with passions and opinions that I really admire.

That said, this book scared the hell out of me! It spoke to some of my deepest anxieties--I will be raising children with a doctor. Will he ever be home? Will he know his kids? Will I be buried under a pile of laundry? Will I always be angry about the amount of family work I'm doing? Will I keep working? And then I learned about a whole other things I didn't even know I needed to worry about-- if I do keep working once we have kids, and once I'm married and Bob's making a larger salary, my income will be taxed at a much higher rate (because it will push us into a different tax bracket). If I don't work, will I feel guilty every time I go to Target? How do I shift my "mental maps" from thinking about it as his money, and not ours? And Social Security! Yikes, 'nuff said.

Even though I don't have kids (and even though it freaked me out), this is a really important book. It challenges us to examine our beliefs, and to keep a running dialog with our partners. Also, knowing Kristin and her husband, David, definitely added a fascinating dimension to the reading. Here are two people who always seem to have their acts together, who seem so happy together, who really seem to be a team. Reading about their struggles to get to this point was totally engrossing. Read the book. Then do something to remodel not just motherhood, but our attitudes in general.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an important book. It gets 5 stars for content and 3 for writing style, so I'm calling it a 4.

This book is important for every woman who became a mother and found herself lost and struggling with conflicted feelings and expectations. It is also a good book for women who plan to become mothers.

I expected motherhood to change things, but I really underestimated how jarring motherhood would be to my identity, and my marriage. It was nice to see that I'm not the only one who was taken aback.

It was also enlightening to see why some things didn't seem to fit correctly, and how outdated assumptions impact so many things. The section on Social Security was particularly interesting. I never really understood how it worked and now that I do, I don't much like it.

Read this book and some of the others it referenced (I'm adding them to my "To Read" shelf and be informed. It's easier to navigate your feelings and "choices" when you understand what's beneath them and why motherhood isn't what we expected it to be (even though we adore our children and love our husbands).

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book did less to help me lead a more enlightened life than it did to drive home to me just exactly what a soul-sucking predicament I've gotten myself into by staying home and letting my husband underwrite my childcare and (significantly crappier) housecare efforts. Yay for slippery slopes, outdated policy, and never having a job again. I feel much more equipped to recognize the quagmire that slurps at one's best intentions, though this mostly manifests itself, to date, in particularly complex tirades aimed at Jake (never before was I able to weave Social Security discrimination into my arguments against his lame vacation plans).

It may not be crystal clear from the above that I really like this book and find it to have genuinely valuable things to say about the state of modern motherhood. It resists the impulse to make everything about the mommy wars and seems to be realistic (if kind of bleak) about various domestic arrangements.

[Rhonda Rae Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’d give this book 10 stars if I could…it’s that powerful and important!
This is the most phenomenal book I’ve read in the past two decades and could affect the next century and life forever if we, as a people, act on it. By the time I read up to Chapter 11, my body was shaking, I had identified with everything that was said, and I felt empowered to make sure that everyone I know understands this is the single most valuable book they could read, ever, period. And there is so much more, I hope this book has a sequel.

As a Baby Boomer, I’ve seen and lived much of what this book addressed. Being raised in a home that taught a mindset many saw more clearly in Deborah Chiel’s “Mona Lisa Smile.” At first, I was hesitant to pick it up because it was titled “Remodeling Motherhood” and my children are young adults now. But after reading the back and following my ‘gut’ instinct that this book was relevant to my life now, I’m happy to say that it was encouraging and could be titled as Remodeling Parenthood. And it’s never too late to make a difference in society. To this fact, I’m purchasing a copy of this book for all our children and their spouses together. Life is a partnership and there are things that we can do together to make the world a better place.

Now that I’ve been around the block a few times and have raised five children of my own, I can tell you that this book is exactly right and something that every person should read. I wasn’t surprised about many stories as the situations were lived out first hand in my life. I can attest to what is said here that it is amazingly correct, well researched, easy to grasp, and ground-breaking for this time we are living in right now. There is no way to give this book the praise that it deserves except by acting on it. Going out there and living the “New Blueprint” and speaking up in public venues.

We truly can make a difference in our society and in the lives of those around us just by continuing to press for our own goals and not backing down with what we envision our lives to become. More than just finding a way to improve our own lives and that of our children’s but to change the world we live in. More important than Echart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and Catherine Ryne Hyde’s “Pay It Forward.” Even more profound than what Gladwell Malcolm said in “The Tipping Point,” we can press past the paradigm’s of society by looking beyond the picture of what is and image what could be. We have the power to change the world, so let’s act on it and make a difference. By giving copies to my five children, my husband’s four children, as well as having copies on hand for others I know, I hope to help foster what could be the most single ‘change’ in our society.

This book addresses everything and with the layout of background information, it won’t take a reader long to become fueled themselves with wanting more and expecting different things in their lives rather than accepting the status quo or floating down a river without a paddle. What Stephen Covey did for ‘time management’ this book can do for mothers and fathers of all walks in life. After having a relationship for 28 years and marriage for 25 years, raising my family, working when and where I could, yet never having any power in my own life to be myself, I know firsthand ALL of the issues explained here. I even used a ‘family’ calendar to delegate who was planning dinner, cleaning up afterwards, did chores about our home, and who was scheduled to do their laundry that night.

My husband and I had the perfect family and were called Ken and Barbie on many occasions. I wanted to have a quiver full of children, I wanted to do my part in society and support the maintenance of our home. Everything we had was 'ours' and was to be shared by both of us through our lives into retirement. When the children were older, we both went back to college and had been called 'the dynamic duo' as everything we did was shared and our teamwork was unmatched. The perfect plan went well for awhile until we re-entered the work force when society put expectations on us and caused our balanced schedule to return to his working more and by default my working was only possible if I could jugle home responsibilities with more skill. I had more paid work after college and continued to do everything possible to train our children. But, eventually, the hours took their toll on my health and I had some reality checks with my work schedule coupled with my home schedule. The scales reached their 'tipping point' once again and who suffered more was the children because mom just couldn't be the 'supermom' she was expected to be.

Then an extremely 'dark' day came when more reality hit the fan and what we had tried to build together came crashing down. It was as if all the years of work meant nothing and what was seen on the outside was only a portrait. Not something that was picture perfect but something that had bled throughout the years while I continued to paint over it and cover up the bad places making them presentable again. When reality said that there were 'issues' within the family that I was unaware of, it was time to take an even greater stand to fight for what was right. Our twenty-five year marriage was not a story of Ken and Barbie but one where there were 'secrets' buried within the hearts. I on one hand wanted so bad to teach the children to be upstanding citizens who had an education and were successfully happy. My husband on the other hand became the one who all along had only cared about himself and taken the life-blood out of every one of us. He had done things to our marriage that made me question his loyalty to me but I forgave them and pressed to become a better person so he would love me. I didn't have the power within to leave for there was no family, there wasn't enough earning power to raise the five children on my own, and I felt trapped to continue on, hoping against odds that he would come around when they were older. This didn't happen so consequently, I found myself in divorce court, just twenty-eight years after we had met.

I tried expressing to the court that it wasn’t fair that my husband take his entire pension for I was working at home so he could maintain this job. I tried to explain that while he was working all those years, earning Social Security credits for retirement, I was home caring for the children and household. I was angered at the fact that I hadn’t even seen his paycheck for years (a red flag that I tried to deny), I had used my income to pay household expenses, and had no idea what he made or had paid in taxes so why would they expect me to file with him jointly just because he didn’t have access to the family records with his recent illegal actions. I was appalled when my attorney said that each of us had to make sacrifices in order to reach a divorce agreement when in fact I had not been allowed to speak my mind for so many years and felt that my years of sacrifice meant nothing any longer if they meant anything at the time at all. I had wrestled with being a ‘female’ and a ‘mother’ who was expected to do certain things just because society required it of me. I was shocked but not surprised that my employer told me that I needed to get some help with the children because my work was being affected and I could lose my job. I was devastated when my two younger children ran away from home saying that I wasn’t being a ‘good mother’ and that they wanted me to pay child support to my older daughter who could do a much better job. I was beside myself when so-called friends over the years had told me I was acting selfish and should be doing everything I could to help the children adjust to our new family situation when in fact I was doing everything within my power to save them from greater harm. I was lost and left alone when all our ‘family’ friends dumped me because of the family circumstance as if I had a disease they could catch. How could twenty-eight years of my life been for nothing? Obviously, you can tell that I’m still affected by what judgments’ flew my direction when I was blamed for not doing or saying anything in previous years when in fact I had. I was speaking, doing, working, giving, helping, and everything in between but mostly never heard. I was the mother of a quiver of children who had failed them along the way unintentionally. I became the scapegoat for what had happened when it wasn't me and if I had known, we would have all left my husband in the dark and lived on the streets in order to be safe. It was as if I could have known what was really going on and should have done something at that time. The reality is that I was never privy to what really went on in our home when I was working and there was no way of me knowing unless the children had told me. They didn't tell me. They kept this 'secret elephant' deep inside their hearts and lives because they too wanted the perfect life and were painting over the portrait of our family so all on the outside would believe everything was great with us. We were always close and knit together. We did many things as a family that were enjoyable and treasured to this day but there was no escaping the reality of what went on behind closed doors. The truth always comes out eventually so when the children tried to cover up from the world, what was unknown to mom, became the undoing for all of us.

That being said, this book had accurate insight related to the time constraints of mother's managing a home and working outside of the home when there are children to raise and care for. I sacrificed my life and health for countless years in an effort to protect them and teach them right from wrong. When the ‘elephant in our home’ was finally revealed, I finally understood the undercurrent of disaster that undermined all my efforts at being a ‘good’ mom. It will take me some time, but I’m currently writing my ‘story’ in hopes that someone somewhere will be protected by my lessons-learned and avoid the pitfalls that ruined our family. I intend on continuing to help my daughters learn better ways to address their current livelihood and encourage them to stand up for what they need in life. I will continue to teach my sons what it is to respect their life partner and work together as a team at everything they do. Don’t give up your dreams or your health in the process; don’t give up your life for if you don’t first take care of yourself then you will be unable to care for those you love. It works both ways, for mothers and for fathers, and most importantly for the children they love so much.

What is spoken about in this book could make all the difference in many lives for many generations. It is that life-altering and that monumental! Buy this book, read this book, share this book, check out the website www.mothersandandmore.com and do everything within your power to stand up for what you believe in. Don’t think that things will always be what they are. Become a voice in society and share your story, shout it from the mountaintops if you have to but let yourself be heard by the masses. If you want to know what NOT to do, then don’t follow the masses into what has always been. Make a change now, work with your spouse, adjust your life, and see not only yourself but your children benefit from these historical lessons.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I can sum up all my thoughts in one word, “YES!” This woman and mother GETS IT! On another note, I did feel there was much repetition in the chapters that could have been cut down to make the book a little shorter.

[Barbara K · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are a parent, policymaker, hiring manager, work supervisor, friends with parents, or anyone who wants to understand how parenthood changes a family's life, please READ THIS BOOK. It was published more than a decade ago, but unfortunately, most of the chapters still ring true today.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was useful in directing my thoughts about my return to work. It also had a very helpful discussion of the social security system and how working women are at a disadvantage in the social security system, which was designed to encourage women not to work.

Ms. Maschka's writing is annoying... she complains a lot. She is also in my view too idealistic. Yeah, it would be nice if the government paid for leaves for years for women to raise a family, increased social security benefits for women, had universal health care available and at the same time allowed huge deductions for children on tax returns... not sure how all that could be accomplished in the real world.

Glad I read it... I wish I had skimmed more sections.

[Skylar Burris]

I’ve decided to abandon this book, in which a modern female author, much to her angst and misery, discovers that despite all of the great feminist gains of the 20th century, she’s still the one packing for the kids when they go on vacation. I get the impression there's going to be a lot of whining in this book about realities that while not fair are not really oppressive either. I suspect there will also be a lot of calls to the government to access its magical money tree to make life more fair.

[Lia]

I hadn't expected to finish reading this book when I started it, because it isn't the sort of book I usually read. However, I found myself drawn into it despite myself. The book raised questions pertinent to my life and immediate future, and did so in a style similar to having a cozy conversation over a cup of coffee with a friend. I definitely think this is a book worth reading by any new mother or soon-to-be mother, but I also think new fathers should be reading it too.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really resonated with me. While at times it was very detailed, it is a valuable book every mother should read. The economic impact of caring for a family full-time was shocking. What I enjoyed most was just getting to hear the author's personal story of how she worked through the issues of identity, time, money, power, and employment within the context of a family.

[Stephanie]

This is a good book for those moms who struggle with finding that right balance between being a career-minded woman and a mother and a wife. So many of us feel guilty for EVERYTHING and when we do something that is not considered RIGHT by some unspecified entity, we take the emotional hit for it. This books helps woman and mothers to release themselves of that guilt and anguish we all feel.

[Ms. Online]

Most expectant moms imagine life with a baby as an idyll of shared parenting. Maschka offers a realistic look at the assumptions that distort new motherhood and shows how to structure the role to suit yourself.

[Bhhodge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kristin makes sense of the feelings surrounding (and the realities of) motherhood. Thank you!

[Elizabeth M. · Rating 2 out of 5]

so far so good.
Maschka makes reference to some fabulous, related books like The Mask of Motherhood, which feels important in the context of challenges that moms, new moms expecially, face.

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this! Helps put everything into perspective.

[Anne Tipton · Rating 3 out of 5]

Challenged some of my thinking and paradigms which is always good. Didn't really connect with some parts of the book but I am glad I read it.

[Dawn Stricker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Subject matter is riveting.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very repetitive...