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A Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy When Your Baby's Life Is Expected to Be Brief
Now updated and expanded―a gentle and comprehensive guide for parents expecting a baby with a prenatal diagnosis of a life-limiting condition. When prenatal testing reveals that a baby is expected to die before or shortly after birth, many parents choose to proceed with the pregnancy and embrace the time they are able to have with their baby, before birth as well as afterward. With compassion and support, A Gift of Time walks these parents step-by-step through this challenging and emotional experience―from receiving the diagnosis to coping with the pregnancy and making plans for the baby's birth and peaceful death. The second edition of this gentle guide offers inspiration and reassurance through the voices of numerous parents who have walked this path with their beloved baby. Their moving experiences are stories not only of grief but of joy and peace. This edition: • Expands the content substantially to incorporate new research and guidelines
• Features additional vignettes from more than 160 parents about their experiences and coping strategies
• Offers encouragement and more practical ideas for moving forward, including updated guidance for decision-making and ideas for embracing the time with the baby, from before birth to after death
• Describes the importance of perinatal hospice and palliative care, which has continued to grow worldwide since the first edition was published, and how to access this care Drawing from parent experiences and published research, this new edition is full of practical suggestions for parents as well as health care professionals. Caring and thoughtful, A Gift of Time helps parents navigate this difficult news and the journey that follows.
• Features additional vignettes from more than 160 parents about their experiences and coping strategies
• Offers encouragement and more practical ideas for moving forward, including updated guidance for decision-making and ideas for embracing the time with the baby, from before birth to after death
• Describes the importance of perinatal hospice and palliative care, which has continued to grow worldwide since the first edition was published, and how to access this care Drawing from parent experiences and published research, this new edition is full of practical suggestions for parents as well as health care professionals. Caring and thoughtful, A Gift of Time helps parents navigate this difficult news and the journey that follows.
- GenresNonfictionParentingGrief
448 pages, Paperback
First published December 23, 2010
7 people are currently reading
51 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
June 19, 2012
I thought this book was a very good and important work about a choice any parent would hope to never have to make. I liked that it raises awareness of the need for widespread availability of perinatal hospice and palliative care as well as support for parents who choose to continue their pregnancy. My main criticism is that there was a lot of talk about religion, and people talking about praying and god and heaven. While I realize that this is no fault of the authors since this book was compiled almost entirely of interviews with families, and the sample might be biased since these were families who did not want to have an abortion when it was offered and they may be more likely to be religious, I was a little disappointed in the sheer amount of book space spent talking about how the baby is in heaven and how god created the baby and so on. For people out there reading this book who believe in that, I'm sure it's a comforting thought. I just wish there had been more of a balance since someone like me would not have derived support or comfort from those thoughts. But this book really opened my eyes about the benefits of continuing a pregnancy after a life limiting diagnosis.
June 9, 2016
I hope no one I know ever needs to read this book, but it was so helpful throughout our entire experience.
February 1, 2021
A Gift of Time is intended for parents struggling to deal with and understand what they can expect when their child is unlikely to live long either in the womb or after birth.
This is a handbook intended to guide families through the many facets of emotions, decisions, and changes they have to walk through, with honest acknowledgment of the pain and turmoil but encouragement as well that the decision to continue pregnancy brings joy as well. Don’t expect to get through this book dry-eyed, though. One of the things that makes it so real and poignant is that it doesn’t depend only on one family’s struggles but with probably upwards of 20 families who share their experiences, the good and the bad. The golden thread running throughout is that these mothers and fathers all long at their core to love and cherish their baby and are doing the best they can to parent a dying child in the most loving way possible. It is beautiful, hopeful, and encouraging throughout, with attention given to both mothers and fathers in particular--including how they try to care for their other children, if applicable.
This book would also be especially helpful for people who have not gone through infant loss to understand the bigger picture and how to mourn with and walk alongside families in their grief. It is the best book I've encountered to walk me through grieving—not just of children, but arguably of anyone. Infant loss is heartbreakingly unique in that the loss is often thought to be less than that of a child or adult who is more widely known and has seemingly left a larger “footprint” on the world. Not so. The grief is often just as great—and even more so for the world’s insistence that it must be unspoken and lessened. A Gift of Time counters that lie and validates the worth of the child, no matter what the child’s health concerns and no matter how long his or her life lasts—inside or outside the womb.
Of note, this book is also hugely valuable for guiding through and explaining the decision-making processes that parents often face. I had not really understood the level and depths of decisions that parents are forced to make (other than "continue" or "abort") before reading this book. The decisions are much more intense, and heartwrenching, than even those two choices, which are made difficult enough with the widespread encouragement to abort in our culture. But what I learned in this book is that decisions often encompass the range of trying to save the baby at all costs to providing comfort care only, which requires an incredible amount of information, prayer, and soul-searching.
Probably the least helpful chapter is the last ("Reflections"). If recommending this to either families or caregivers, I'd probably consider skipping that chapter entirely to focus on the whole-perspective of the previous nine chapters. The ten chapters are organized as follows:
Chapter 1. The News: Receiving Your Baby's Diagnosis
Chapter 2. What Now? Making Decisions about Continuing Your Pregnancy
Chapter 3. The Emotional Journey: Grieving and Adjusting to Your New Path
Chapter 4. Waiting with Your Baby: Settling in for the Rest of Your Pregnancy
Chapter 5. Making Medical Decisions: Choosing Care for Your Baby
Chapter 6. Getting Ready: Preparing for Your Baby's Birth, Life, and Death
Chapter 7. Welcoming Baby: Birth Experiences and Meeting Your Baby
Chapter 8. Saying Goodbye: Holding on and Letting Go
Chapter 9. Continuing Your Journey: After Your Baby Dies
Chapter 10. Reflections
I highly recommend this not only for families but for anyone who may be in a position to care for parents walking through this process—through the process of fatal diagnoses and anticipatory grief at any age, in fact. Especially for anyone who has not endured this kind of loss, I would recommend reading the book cover to cover—no matter how hard. It is more than helpful to know what kind of things the families are dealing with when you try to figure out what to say—even if only because it is important to know what kind of careless words might be scarring them on top of the already impossible situation. For those who are walking through it, however, this would probably be a better piecemeal, as-needed handbook and resource.
This is a handbook intended to guide families through the many facets of emotions, decisions, and changes they have to walk through, with honest acknowledgment of the pain and turmoil but encouragement as well that the decision to continue pregnancy brings joy as well. Don’t expect to get through this book dry-eyed, though. One of the things that makes it so real and poignant is that it doesn’t depend only on one family’s struggles but with probably upwards of 20 families who share their experiences, the good and the bad. The golden thread running throughout is that these mothers and fathers all long at their core to love and cherish their baby and are doing the best they can to parent a dying child in the most loving way possible. It is beautiful, hopeful, and encouraging throughout, with attention given to both mothers and fathers in particular--including how they try to care for their other children, if applicable.
This book would also be especially helpful for people who have not gone through infant loss to understand the bigger picture and how to mourn with and walk alongside families in their grief. It is the best book I've encountered to walk me through grieving—not just of children, but arguably of anyone. Infant loss is heartbreakingly unique in that the loss is often thought to be less than that of a child or adult who is more widely known and has seemingly left a larger “footprint” on the world. Not so. The grief is often just as great—and even more so for the world’s insistence that it must be unspoken and lessened. A Gift of Time counters that lie and validates the worth of the child, no matter what the child’s health concerns and no matter how long his or her life lasts—inside or outside the womb.
Of note, this book is also hugely valuable for guiding through and explaining the decision-making processes that parents often face. I had not really understood the level and depths of decisions that parents are forced to make (other than "continue" or "abort") before reading this book. The decisions are much more intense, and heartwrenching, than even those two choices, which are made difficult enough with the widespread encouragement to abort in our culture. But what I learned in this book is that decisions often encompass the range of trying to save the baby at all costs to providing comfort care only, which requires an incredible amount of information, prayer, and soul-searching.
Probably the least helpful chapter is the last ("Reflections"). If recommending this to either families or caregivers, I'd probably consider skipping that chapter entirely to focus on the whole-perspective of the previous nine chapters. The ten chapters are organized as follows:
Chapter 1. The News: Receiving Your Baby's Diagnosis
Chapter 2. What Now? Making Decisions about Continuing Your Pregnancy
Chapter 3. The Emotional Journey: Grieving and Adjusting to Your New Path
Chapter 4. Waiting with Your Baby: Settling in for the Rest of Your Pregnancy
Chapter 5. Making Medical Decisions: Choosing Care for Your Baby
Chapter 6. Getting Ready: Preparing for Your Baby's Birth, Life, and Death
Chapter 7. Welcoming Baby: Birth Experiences and Meeting Your Baby
Chapter 8. Saying Goodbye: Holding on and Letting Go
Chapter 9. Continuing Your Journey: After Your Baby Dies
Chapter 10. Reflections
I highly recommend this not only for families but for anyone who may be in a position to care for parents walking through this process—through the process of fatal diagnoses and anticipatory grief at any age, in fact. Especially for anyone who has not endured this kind of loss, I would recommend reading the book cover to cover—no matter how hard. It is more than helpful to know what kind of things the families are dealing with when you try to figure out what to say—even if only because it is important to know what kind of careless words might be scarring them on top of the already impossible situation. For those who are walking through it, however, this would probably be a better piecemeal, as-needed handbook and resource.
January 8, 2019
This book was incredibly hard to read. But it was also incredibly helpful. The stories shared in this book were moving, and many reflected my own feelings and worries. I feel that a lot of the questions, fears, and concerns I had after finding out my daughter has Trisomy 18 were addressed.
July 22, 2016
This book is a solid reference for someone who has already decided to carry a pregnancy to term knowing that their baby's life will be brief. It would be less helpful in the decision making phase, when someone is considering terminating or other medical interventions.
It contains lengthy quotes relevant to each stage of the process from a variety of parents. The quotes are often very helpful although I found myself wishing it were easier to sift through them and focus on the non-religious ones. Obviously many people who choose to carry a pregnancy to term in these situations derive great help and comfort in their faith. But religious inspiration is less helpful for someone who draws support from other sources. I gave the book 4 stars rather than 5 simply because I wished there was a more secular tone to much of the book. That said, I would not say the book's focus is overly religious and I do think it is useful as a resource for all.
It contains lengthy quotes relevant to each stage of the process from a variety of parents. The quotes are often very helpful although I found myself wishing it were easier to sift through them and focus on the non-religious ones. Obviously many people who choose to carry a pregnancy to term in these situations derive great help and comfort in their faith. But religious inspiration is less helpful for someone who draws support from other sources. I gave the book 4 stars rather than 5 simply because I wished there was a more secular tone to much of the book. That said, I would not say the book's focus is overly religious and I do think it is useful as a resource for all.
November 7, 2014
I was continuing my pregnancy in hopes of saving my daughter, but many of the stories were from the perpective of knowing for sure your baby will die. However, it was still helpful overall to read stories from parents in similar situations. I started reading when we got the diagnosis, and I finished after my daughter passed away after 3 days in the NICU. It helped both before and after.
One word of caution: in no way does this book help in making the decision to continue or not. It is heavily biased toward continuing with as little medical intervention as possible. We knew we would like to continue if there was any shred of hope, but this may not be the book for you unless you have already decided or want to be convinced. Furthermore, it gave much more information and stories for palliative/hospice care than lifesaving interventions.
One word of caution: in no way does this book help in making the decision to continue or not. It is heavily biased toward continuing with as little medical intervention as possible. We knew we would like to continue if there was any shred of hope, but this may not be the book for you unless you have already decided or want to be convinced. Furthermore, it gave much more information and stories for palliative/hospice care than lifesaving interventions.
February 24, 2025
I am so glad this book exists. It was helpful through every stage. If I had the ability and means to get it in the hands of every mama facing a terminal diagnosis for their baby I would. This book has been absolutely priceless to me.
I absolutely loved that this book is primarily made up of experiences from other parents that faced the same situation. I loved that the diagnoses do not take center stage in this book, we all lost our babies. The how isn't the focus, making it easier to relate to each parent and their experience.
This book is so great at showing the joy that can be found in continuing your pregnancy despite the urges from doctors and others to terminate for medical reasons. It in no way sugar coats or diminishes the grief a parent feels. It's raw and honest and so, so helpful.
This book brings to light the options you should be offered, such as a palliative care team and the various choices they can make available to you for your birth plan. It covers the emotional journal, coping strategies, how to keep your relationship through the turmoil. This book covers the various medical decisions involved, preparing for your baby's birth, life and death. Reading the chapters concerning your baby after passing were so difficult to read. Though I'm glad I did. It helped me prepare what I needed for my beautiful baby girl.
I am grateful for the chapters on meeting your baby. For the pages on if your baby is born still and the pages on if your baby is born alive. I am beyond grateful for the chapters I saved to read on grief. I love the note this book ends on, the reflections of parents who have survived this hardship.
Truly. Priceless book. The day after putting my baby girl to rest I wanted to go dig her out. To hold her, a thought I thought so insane I didn't even dare tell my husband. Then a few days later I read in this book that is NATURAL to grieving mother's. That our mothering instinct is flowing through our body and gives us a desire like that.
So thankful for each parent that opened up their story. For their input. For their reflections in the end, the validation that our babies matter and the loss of them can be more than just a horribly sad thing. "Loved her beyond love."
I'd like to quote half of this book, and every single quote put in under the Reflections section...but I'll only do a few.
"Continuining your pregnancy is not only a journey of grief. It is also a journey of discovery and gratitude. In fact, it is important to experience both the sorrow and the joy. Your grief enables you to adjust to your baby's reality, and your joy guides you forward in positive ways that will future your baby. Your family and yourself." Though your emotions can be bewildering at times, there are no "wrong" feelings.
"She had an impact on the people who held her. She was my daughter-not a diagnosis."
"Grieving can be chaotic, and there are no timetables or deadlines. It is never a neat set of stages but a fluid mix of feelings. Progression is a messy ebb and flow that allows you to process what you can handle without overwhelming your ability to cope. You will experience ups and downs, periods of despair and periods of acceptance. You may cycle through feelings many times over. Progress can even be one step forward and two steps back. Still, you are adjusting and moving toward renewed purpose. Know that it's okay to feel caught up in a process that is beyond your control."
"Alaina has taught me to believe in miracles, but I've had to change my definition of what a miracle is. James and I have made a point of never wishing that she would live a certain amount of time. We didn't want to define the success of her life by how long it was. I guess it's because I didn't want to think that she would be a miracle only if she lived a long time. I believed that she already was a miracle. And then I start to think, well what about all of the other babies in the world, aren't they miracles too? And then what about adults? And I am left with the realization that we are all miracles, but we just don't recognize it. And miracles happen all around us, but we just don't see them. I guess it takes a very special girl like Alaina to show us that we are all very special and miracles are occurring all around us all of the time."
"Other people's babies really don't bother me too much or pull my heartstrings. They are not my child; they are not my baby. I don't want their child, and I don't want their lives. I just want my child back, and I can't have her. And I wouldn't switch my life for theirs because I had my baby for the shortest of times but to me I feel blessed that she came to us. That she chose us, and she knew we would do what was best for her. I am honored she chose us to be her parents. We were so lucky to have had her."
Top of 389
I absolutely loved that this book is primarily made up of experiences from other parents that faced the same situation. I loved that the diagnoses do not take center stage in this book, we all lost our babies. The how isn't the focus, making it easier to relate to each parent and their experience.
This book is so great at showing the joy that can be found in continuing your pregnancy despite the urges from doctors and others to terminate for medical reasons. It in no way sugar coats or diminishes the grief a parent feels. It's raw and honest and so, so helpful.
This book brings to light the options you should be offered, such as a palliative care team and the various choices they can make available to you for your birth plan. It covers the emotional journal, coping strategies, how to keep your relationship through the turmoil. This book covers the various medical decisions involved, preparing for your baby's birth, life and death. Reading the chapters concerning your baby after passing were so difficult to read. Though I'm glad I did. It helped me prepare what I needed for my beautiful baby girl.
I am grateful for the chapters on meeting your baby. For the pages on if your baby is born still and the pages on if your baby is born alive. I am beyond grateful for the chapters I saved to read on grief. I love the note this book ends on, the reflections of parents who have survived this hardship.
Truly. Priceless book. The day after putting my baby girl to rest I wanted to go dig her out. To hold her, a thought I thought so insane I didn't even dare tell my husband. Then a few days later I read in this book that is NATURAL to grieving mother's. That our mothering instinct is flowing through our body and gives us a desire like that.
So thankful for each parent that opened up their story. For their input. For their reflections in the end, the validation that our babies matter and the loss of them can be more than just a horribly sad thing. "Loved her beyond love."
I'd like to quote half of this book, and every single quote put in under the Reflections section...but I'll only do a few.
"Continuining your pregnancy is not only a journey of grief. It is also a journey of discovery and gratitude. In fact, it is important to experience both the sorrow and the joy. Your grief enables you to adjust to your baby's reality, and your joy guides you forward in positive ways that will future your baby. Your family and yourself." Though your emotions can be bewildering at times, there are no "wrong" feelings.
"She had an impact on the people who held her. She was my daughter-not a diagnosis."
"Grieving can be chaotic, and there are no timetables or deadlines. It is never a neat set of stages but a fluid mix of feelings. Progression is a messy ebb and flow that allows you to process what you can handle without overwhelming your ability to cope. You will experience ups and downs, periods of despair and periods of acceptance. You may cycle through feelings many times over. Progress can even be one step forward and two steps back. Still, you are adjusting and moving toward renewed purpose. Know that it's okay to feel caught up in a process that is beyond your control."
"Alaina has taught me to believe in miracles, but I've had to change my definition of what a miracle is. James and I have made a point of never wishing that she would live a certain amount of time. We didn't want to define the success of her life by how long it was. I guess it's because I didn't want to think that she would be a miracle only if she lived a long time. I believed that she already was a miracle. And then I start to think, well what about all of the other babies in the world, aren't they miracles too? And then what about adults? And I am left with the realization that we are all miracles, but we just don't recognize it. And miracles happen all around us, but we just don't see them. I guess it takes a very special girl like Alaina to show us that we are all very special and miracles are occurring all around us all of the time."
"Other people's babies really don't bother me too much or pull my heartstrings. They are not my child; they are not my baby. I don't want their child, and I don't want their lives. I just want my child back, and I can't have her. And I wouldn't switch my life for theirs because I had my baby for the shortest of times but to me I feel blessed that she came to us. That she chose us, and she knew we would do what was best for her. I am honored she chose us to be her parents. We were so lucky to have had her."
Top of 389
May 8, 2018
Full of interviews and quotes from parents who have been through it. It addressed every single thought that has run through my head and has made me feel a lot less alone and a lot more prepared, reassured, and confident in the decisions that are to come.
December 10, 2023
Heartbreaking. I wish this book was not necessary, but it has been super helpful in prepping my family for what's ahead.
December 27, 2024
This book was so helpful for me and what we’re going through. It’s encouraging to read about other people’s experiences and have my own feelings validated by others who have been there.
April 23, 2014
Amazing.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews