Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How To Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate

by Peter Goldenthal

A new way to look at sibling rivalry that sees children's relationships with each other in the context of the family as a whole. This is the first book to incorporate the latest thinking regarding family relationships as important contexts in which sibling relationships develop. Unlike other books that insist that conflicts among siblings reflect jealousy and a longing for parents' undivided attention, Dr. Goldenthal asserts that all family relationships have a bearing on rivalry between brothers and sisters--not only their relationship with each other but their relationship with their parents, and even their parents' relationships with their parents. Through examples of many different types of problem family situations, he gives practical guidelines and tools for solving common and not-so-common sibling conflicts. He shows parents of young children how to institute child-rearing practices that will prevent or at least diminish future sibling conflicts, and he provides strategies for reducing friction and stress among children when they arise.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

256 pages, Paperback

First published February 10, 1999

Reviews

[Betsy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I started reading this book about a decade ago, and I wish I'd finished it then! I still found it helpful and would recommend to anyone who would like their kids to get along better. Especially if your kids are young. Not a whole lot I can do now that mine are 14 and 16, but I have had it on my bedside table for years and decided to go ahead and finish it once and for all.

[Heather Lin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a riveting read by any means, but it made me feel better about some things I'm already doing and gave me some insight/ideas for the future.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really thought this was well done. We have tons of fighting lately and the book really helped sort things out for me. I like how he goes beyond the typical view that kids fight because they all secretly wish they were an only child (jealousy).

He actually brings to light dozens of different dynamics that can be contributing to too much fighting and conflict. Not all are relevant for every family, obviously--I liked being able to go from section to section, and subsection to subsection, and skip over things that I already knew weren't problems for us but also find many things that would never have occurred to me, that actually are very relevant.

It's always amazing to me when I read a book like this just how much parents don't know before becoming parents. We think we are leaving the traditions of our past families behind, yet, we unknowingly repeat patterns and dynamics even while we think we are consciously fighting against them. The book helped me to see how certain things I do or don't do, as well as my spouse, contribute to conflict.

I especially liked his suggestions for how to change things. Giving your children opportunitites to be generous and helpful toward their siblings at age appropriate levels is something I've thought of doing---and so this really confirmed it for me. He gives quite a few additional practical suggestions that I like. Also talks about what to do in the moment--when the children are aggressive and hurting each other and you need to regain control. Very helpful and informative.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am usually disappointed by books about parenting; their advice seems either stunningly obvious or unrealistic. This book is a notable exception in the field: intelligent, thoughtful, and (dare I hope) useful. I especially appreciated how Goldenthal avoided the Magic Formula framework. (If you just do THIS, your parenting dilemmas will be solved! It's all about THIS! etc.) The final chapter offers some clear directives but even then the advice isn't cookie-cutter. Most of the book relates brief examples of families, primarily from Goldenthal's practice. The families are extremely varied; as a result, reading about them is a sensitizing education, a lesson that the first thing one must do is to look deeply at one's individual situation to get at the heart of what's troubling the waters. This approach appeals to me greatly. (It reminds me of Tolstoy's famous statement, that "happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Though I'm inclined to think every happy family is happy in its own way too... but I digress.) I cannot so quickly attest to the effectiveness of the "help" offered here but I feel that I've gained truly valuable insight.

What I still don't understand is why there are not more & better books about raising children, since it is such a widespread experience! I'd be glad to know what other readers' favorites are.

[Diane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was very practical, with a lot of practical suggestions for how to prevent or resolve sibling rivalry. Interesting insights into how the overall family dynamic, including parent-child relationships, can lead to sibling rivalry. There was one specific situation where I kind of said, "oh yeah, I need to work on that" and others which I thought might have something to do with why my kids sometimes fight so much. But I'm not sure I understand how to really change some of these dynamics...I kept thinking, "ok, so we probably need to go see a psychologist, like the guy who wrote this book."

[Juli Crow · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to anyone wanting to learn about psychology of relationships. I had intended to learn about my children, but I learned a lot more than that. This book is very insightful and helpful.

[Sarah Lenssen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok. Really old school (or maybe that was just the version I bought), and not super practical. My biggest take-away was that as parents we should be intentional not to compare our children in front of them.

[Polly · Rating 3 out of 5]

empirical

[R. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of helpful ideas and very similar in philosophy to Faber and Mazlish.

[Kira Wizner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very much in-line with much of my thinking, read to get a sense of what else is out there...