"He Chose Porn over Me": Women Harmed by Men Who Use Porn

by Melinda Tankard Reist (Editor)

He chose porn over me. Porn killed my marriage. It killed my trust. It destroyed my sense of self and understanding of true intimacy-CourtneyShattering the popular myth that porn is harmless, the personal accounts of 25 brave women in He Chose Porn over Me reveal the real-life trauma experienced by women at the hands of their porn-consuming partners – men who were supposed to care for them. This confronting but necessary book dares to tell the truth about pornography's destructive impact – about the men who habitually use it and the women and children who are mistreated and discarded as a result.The women in this book were collateral damage in their partner's insatiable greed for porn. Their stories tell of the crushing of intimacy, respect, connection, love. Porn colonised their families, leaving women rejected and scarred. They were subjected to sexual terrorism in their own homes. The men, turbo-charged by pornography, were intoxicated by sexualised power. They didn't care if they lost everything including their partners. In this haunting exposé, pornography is rightfully situated as an insidious tool of violence against women.The contributors, now working to re-build their lives, found a confidante in Melinda Tankard Reist who supported them in the sharing of their experiences in these pages, and to warn other women – don't date men who use porn...As long as pornography exists, we don't stand a chance of creating a fair and equal world. —Carla

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction

209 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2022

About the author

Melinda Tankard Reist is a Canberra author, speaker, commentator, blogger and advocate for women and girls.

Writing

Melinda is author of Giving Sorrow Words: Women’s Stories of Grief After Abortion (Duffy&Snellgrove, 2000), Defiant Birth: Women Who Resist Medical Eugenics (Spinifex Press, 2006) and the recently released Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls (Spinifex Press, 2009), now in its second printing.

Melinda’s commentary has been published and broadcast in Australia and overseas. She has appeared recently on ABC’s Q&A, Channel Seven’s ‘The Morning Show’, ABC 666 ‘Keynote Speakers’, ABC Melbourne ‘Jon Faine program’ and 2GB Drive, to name a few. She’s also editor of Faking It: The Female Image in Young Women’s Magazines (WFA 2007). Melinda is named in Who’s Who of Women (Australia) and World Who’s Who of Women.

Speaking

Melinda is in demand as a speaker in Australia and overseas, including for schools, conferences and youth events. Melinda has addressed intimate gatherings and audiences of 15,000. Melinda also consults on a range of issues of concern to women. See the testimonials section for some of the responses to recent addresses she has given.

Advocacy

Melinda’s advocacy for women and girls has included helping establish a supported accommodation and outreach service for women pregnant and without support, involvement in projects to address poverty, trafficking and sex slavery, and working to highlight and address the objectification of women and sexualisation of girls in Australia and globally.

Campaigning

Melinda is one of the founders of a new grassroots campaigning movement “Collective Shout: For a world free of sexploitation“. Recently launched, Collective Shout names and shames corporations, advertisers and marketers who objectify women and sexualise girls to sell products and services. Collective Shout has seen success with a number of recent campaigns against products which sexualise and commodify children.

Reviews

[Anne Jisca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is collection of stories from women who have walked this path with their partners. For most of us, porn, and what happens in the bedroom, is a taboo subject that leaves us feeling alone with no one to talk to. Here is a book to help you realize you are not alone, and to be validated.
Be strong, get free. Others have done it, and so can you!

[Spinifex Press · Rating 5 out of 5]

A haunting exposé, pornography is rightfully situated as an insidious tool of men's violence against women. Thanks to Melinda Tankard Reist who supported the contributors to the book and encouraged them to share their experiences. These women told her about a total lack of respect for their boundaries, an overblown sense of entitlement, expectations that they would provide sex-on-demand, and participate in sex acts they found degrading and demeaning. Their men knew only a power-over version of sex and their gratification triumphed over empathy every time.

This book is a warning to other women: don't date men who use porn.

[Zelda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could relate to something in each of these true stories. Reading them triggered memories of some of the bad things that had happened in my two failed marriages. Reading the advice set out at the end of each story helped me to find some closure to those traumatic times in my life. I really appreciate the honesty and candour of the ladies who contributed to this book. I have always suspected, but now I know for sure that porn destroys relationships, families and lives. I will never believe anyone again who says that consumption of porn is "harmless" and "just something that men do". I felt a bit disappointed that a couple or so of these ladies chose to stay with their porn addicted spouse or partner. But I guess that's what happens in real life too. There should be more resources for women who need or want to split from their spouse or partner. The book also has some useful resources at the end of it, plus a glossary which explains common terms. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand how and why consumption of porn is so destructive and dangerous.

[Tara Mae · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very important compilation of stories. The hurt expressed is real, and it does a great job of showing the impact of porn, and how it further victimises women. Momentum is lost when it becomes clear these are exclusively stories from conservative women being utilised for, at times, dubious purposes. The stories are important and valuable. The analysis within them is not, often utilising victim blaming tactics and other misogynistic tropes. My heart aches for the daughter of one of the stories author, who was not believed and further ostracised.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book!

This book is hard to read because of how horrible the effects of porn are but I could not put it down! It has been both healing and empowering to me. Thank you to every woman who shared their story and is shining light on this industry and the heartbreaking damage it causes.

[Emma · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 — i’ve been refraining from writing reviews this year but felt it necessary to clarify my thoughts on this piece

really hoping i can find some — what’s the word? — *better* literature on this grotesquely fascinating and deeply important topic. unfortunately this book was so absolutist in its stance (not just about porn as a whole which i agree with, but some smaller pieces of the puzzle) that it lacked any sort of nuance. also, i feel super icky about melinda tankard reist dedicating her professional career to protesting the sexualisation and objectification of women and girls (both in private and public spheres) and then being a pro-life loser. just left a lot to be desired in many ways

[Adriana Sth · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Listen to survivors”, they say. That’s what Melinda Tankard Reist did when she compiled the stories of 25 different women whose life has been, one way or another, shattered at some point by their pornography-consuming partners.

Pornography is sexual abuse and this book proves it.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for anyone who thinks porn is okay or normal. It isn’t, it destroys families, ruins marriages/relationships and is just all-around harmful to women. One of the best pieces of advice in the book: don’t date men who use porn.

[Lori Souza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very hard read, but it truly shows how bad porn addiction is and how it shouldn't be tossed aside as something "normal". I cried while reading one of the stories it truly was one of the most heartbreaking things I've read, they all were.

[Ruthie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an horrible destructive epidemic that nobody acknowledges!! To actively engage in the use of pornography is to actively engage in the subjugation, objectification, and abuse of women and children! To actively engage in the use of pornography is to actively engage in the sex trafficking of women and children!! To actively engage in the use of pornography is to actively engage in the destruction of oneself, sexually, emotionally, mentally, socially, physically, relationally and often financially!