If I Let You Go

by Charlotte Levin

*RICHARD and JUDY Book Club pick 2023*

If I Let You Go by Charlotte Levin is a deeply moving and gripping portrayal of a woman coming to terms with loss.

Every morning Janet Brown goes to work cleaning offices. It calms her, cleanliness, neatness. All the things she’s unable to do with her soul can be achieved with a damp cloth and a splash of bleach. However, the guilt she still carries about a devastating loss that happened eleven years ago, cannot be erased.

Then, Janet finds herself involved in a train crash and, recognising the chance to do what she couldn’t all those years ago, she makes a decision. As news spreads of Janet’s actions, her story inspires everyone around her, and for the first time her life has purpose and the future is filled with hope.

But Janet's story isn't quite what it seems, and as events spiral out of control, she soon discovers that coming clean isn't an option. Because if Janet washes away the lies, what long-buried truths will she finally have to face.

Genres: Fiction, Contemporary, Audiobook

368 pages, Hardcover

First published March 2, 2023

About the author

Charlotte Levin has been shortlisted for the Andrea Badenoch Award, part of the New Writers North Awards, and for the Mslexia Short Story Competition. she lives in Manchester, England, with her cat Opal Moon and kittens Leonard and Walter.

IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU is her debut novel, and IF I LET YOU GO is out in MARCH 2023.

Reviews

[Ceecee · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 - 5 stars

Janet Brown works as a cleaner and she’s a very good one too as she finds gleaming surfaces calming. She’s married to Colin, who seems to punish her for any minor infraction as he sees it. One evening, she’s had as much as she can take and she makes a break for it channelling her inner Thelma or Louise. What follows on has far-reaching consequences she could not have foreseen as things utterly spiral out of control.

Wow, this is such a powerful and beautifully written character driven novel with a portrait of Janet so sympathetically and carefully portrayed. It’s a poignant and very moving novel as via the short focused chapters we get clarity on how the couple arrive at the destination which kicks off the events and view the stasis of a life. The characterisation is superbly incisive as we get a portrait of fractured lives and relationship.

I love Janet, she is brave, gutsy and caring she does not get everything right but she has the courage to put the one foot in front of the other. You feel the anxiety that situations induce in her yet she also has humour even if it’s the self deprecating kind. For a while events really transform her in a chrysalis to a butterfly way but then things change and become a bit mysterious. She’s in a big hole with nothing to dig herself out with and then there’s the building dread of Colin. As for him, well, you’ll just have to meet him and decide for yourself!

This is an immersive novel and I enjoy how the author matches the weather to moods to highlight situations. I love the ending, it feels absolutely right.

If you like character driven novels then I recommend you meet Janet.

With thanks to NetGalley and especially to Pan McMillan for the much appreciated arc in return for an honest review.

[Indieflower · Rating 4 out of 5]

Janet is fifty, frumpy, and is little more than a slave in an unhappy marriage to a controlling husband. She is then injured in a train crash where she makes national headlines for saving the life of a little girl, however amnesia from the accident means she can't remember any of it. Why on earth was she on the train? Where was she going? Janet has no idea but is about to find out.
None of the characters here are particularly likeable, and not a cheery story for sure, it gave me a constant feeling of anxiety but it did hold my interest, I needed to know Janet's back story. I did find the ending somewhat unbelievable, a little too neat perhaps, but overall a decent 3.5 stars.

[booksbytheboats · Rating 4 out of 5]

A character driven normal focussing on Janet and the aftermath of trauma that is affecting so much of her life. I really like Janet’s character and as previously done, Charlotte rights with the right level of humour and emotion within the same paragraph.

I read this so quickly and couldn’t put it down. Having absolutely loved If I Can’t Have You I knew I was going to love this one and I wasn’t disappointed. The characters are so well written, they’re definitely ones that will stay with me and despite this only being Charlottes second book, she has definitely edged her way onto my list of favourite authors.

This one is out in March and I highly recommend getting yourself a copy. If you can’t wait and haven’t read her debut novel, go grab it now!

[Tracy Fenton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I absolutely adored Charlotte’s debut novel If I Can’t Have You (see my full review here) so I was really excited to read her second standalone book If I Let You Go which is out now. Despite the very similar covers and titles, both books are standalone stories and have nothing to do with each other, so you can read them in any order.

There is no doubt in my mind that Charlotte could be the next “Mistress of Misery” or “Dame of Dysfunction” because she creates the most incredible characters and puts them in situations that make my sphincter clench!! With each of her books, I read with an overwhelming feeling of dread and discomfort and this is exactly how I like to feel when reading psychological thrillers.

The book description above has told you a little about the book premise. Janet Brown works as a cleaner. She lives with her husband who won’t be winning any “husband of the year” awards and she’s still grieving an unimaginable loss eleven years ago.

After a night out drinking with her friends she wakes up the next day in hospital having survived a horrific train crash and saved the life of a little girl but with no memory of the event. Thrust into the public eye and seen as a heroine, Janet slowly starts to regain memories of that night and it’s not quite what everyone is led to believe.

Another thoroughly thrilling, twisted tale which kept me glued to the pages.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

[Sheila · Rating 2 out of 5]

I could not get into this book. I did not care for Janet at all.

[Bettina Hunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although Charlotte Levin has only published two books she is one of my favourite authors. Her debut novel is one of my all time favourite books and so when I heard she had written a second book I knew I had to read it. If I Let You Go does not disappoint. Just like If I Can't Have You this is a page-turning, I can't put it down sort of book. The characters are written so well and are so rounded you feel like you are there and you feel everything the characters do. The writing is on another level, the descriptions of feelings are exquisite. It's so good. I don't know what else to say. So clever, so brilliant, just read it!

[Ruth · Rating 3 out of 5]

With thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for an advance review copy.

The premise of this book is an interesting one. Janet Brown is a slightly dumpy 50-something-year-old, who enjoys her work as a cleaner but is in the grip of a coercive, controlling husband. In their own ways both their lives are overshadowed by the death of their only daughter Claire, 11 years previously. It emerges that this happened in a car accident while Janet was driving, having been in the process of leaving Colin, and he has blamed her ever since and guilted her into coming back to him and allowing herself to be punished in perpetuity. On the day of Claire's 18th birthday Janet makes a fateful decision - when events spiral out of control she finds herself being hailed as a heroine for saving the life of another little girl in a train crash. But things are not quite what they seem, and she finds herself having to develop a courage and resolution that seemed lost for ever, to break out of the chains of her own making.

This is squarely chick lit in style. The quality of the writing is not up to the complex exploration that the subject matter demands. The characters remain stereotypes, as does the treatment of the story. Yes, I did root for Janet of course - everything about the story is unashamedly contriving to achieve this. But the experience was like eating too much sickly chocolate, only very briefly satisfying and making you feel you had better things to do with your time. It would do as an undemanding beach read but nothing more.

[cluedupreader · Rating 2 out of 5]

A downer.

In Shark Tank S15 E4, the sharks aren't sure what the product (Monosuit) is trying to be. That's exactly how I felt about this novel.

[Rhian Eleri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Janet lives a simple life, no drama, no excitement, no nothing. Until one day where she finds herself in the right place at the right time!
She can't remember it exactly, but it's all over the newspapers! Janet is famous overnight, and it might just be her way of getting out of her mundane, and somewhat claustrophobic life with Colin.

I found this easy to get into, I didn't warm to any character really, but I did like how they were portrayed. I had such a clear vision of what they all looked like, especially Colin who I could have put my book in the freezer for many times! (FRIENDS ref) Oh the frustration!

I think there was something tiny missing in the plot, but I can't put my finger on it.
Fabulous writing, but the plot wasn't massively grabbing for me.

I did wonder what the title was really about as I didn't get it in connection to the story. But it's sunk in now and It's actually a little sad 😔 and very relative.

[bookishcharli · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this one and ended up reading it in one sitting as I just couldn’t put it down, the plot really kept me hooked throughout. Janet is an exceptionally written character who steals the limelight in every scene she’s in.

This is one of those books that you can kind of draw your own conclusion for the ending as it’s not completely wrapped up (I can’t say anymore without spoiling it) but I kind of like that in books every now and then. I have a very active imagination and have no problem envisioning my own ending to most of the books I read.

If you’re looking for a slow thriller with exceptional characters and plot (and divine writing) then definitely pick this one up, you won’t be disappointed.

Thank you to Chloe at Pan MacMillan for sending me a proof of this awesome book.

[Penny · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is the third depressing book I've read in a row. I really need a pick me up now and not another verbally and emotionally abused female as I can feel the black cloud looming.
A bit of a weird ending

[Zoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nuanced, gripping, and tight!

If I Let You Go is an unsettling, character-driven novel that introduces us to Janet, a young woman who, after a tragic accident eleven years ago, has spent her life in the shadows, performing her cleaning job to the best of her abilities, keeping house and placating her domineering husband, and visiting her elderly father as often as possible, until one night she decides she’s had enough and by morning her life will be irrevocably changed forever when she wakes to discover she’s a heroine of a train crash she can’t actually remember.

The writing is crisp and edgy. The characters are anxious, tormented, and flawed. And the plot is a tense, unpredictable tale full of twists, turns, revelations, insecurities, deception, grief, manipulation, lies, and tragedy.

Overall, If I Let You Go is an intriguing, intense, immersive tale by Levin that does a wonderful job of highlighting just how devastating and all-consuming guilt and grief can be and reminds us to savour every moment because life can often change in a heartbeat.

Thank you to Publishers Group Canada for gifting me a copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Jodie Rowlandson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Utterly depressing story of one woman who is gaslighted by her husband. I should feel sorry for her and the guilt that she carries over her daughter’s death and being made to believe that she was the one at fault. But to be honest, I disliked her intensely. Of course the husband is the villain of this book And the two stars are for how despicably well written he is but I found her to be an equally loathsome character in other ways. By the end I didn’t care whether she escaped his controlling ways or not. obviously desperate for kind words and approval after years of his torment led to the lies that spiralled out of control. Glad I finished it, but won’t be recommending to anyone

[Alison Marden · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want a story to get its fingernails into you and have you both wanting to cover your eyes and not stop reading, then this is the story for you.

The story follows Janet Brown, she cleans as she loves the order, the routine and the control in her life. She's stuck in a rut in life when both her life and routine are shattered, culminating in her being involved in a train crash. She becomes embroiled in a series of events where she makes some questionable choices, led by both her grief, a bout of memory loss and influences both good and bad, she is left with a huge choice to make.

THIS IS SO DIFFICULT TO WRITE WITHOUT SPOILERS!!! Actually got a sweat on!

I honestly cannot describe how many times i wished I could jump into this book and talk to Janet, or to kick certain people right in the short and curlys! There's themes in this book that are subtle, such as domestic violence. It's subtle but it's very much there.

I wish there was more of Nish. I'm sure if there had of been she would have been the voice of reason or the reason for change.

I'll be honest. I did not love the ending but at the same time, I felt like it worked for the events that happened prior to it. It was more realistic of real life, not the perfect ending that often in reality doesn't happen. Plus our Janet was brave. Coming out of this, I want to jump into this book and give her a huge hug. She's not a bad person.

Charlotte, your book had me uptight, angry, sad and conflicted all at once. You have an amazing way of pulling us in and keeping us with you right till the end. Everything you'd want in an amazing read.

Fantastic book. Thank you to @instabooktours also for hosting and allowing me to be part of this tour.

The week book lady. Xx

[Bloss ♡ · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

I really enjoyed “If I Can’t Have You” so I was super keen to find this book in the shop last week. Unfortunately, it widely missed the mark for me.

The whole book has a manic, anxious vibe. It was difficult to get immersed in it as it had such a relentlessly unpleasant undercurrent. This was exacerbated by utterly loathsome characters. I like Nish most but everyone else was… awful. I didn’t see the purported charm to Janet… she needed extensive therapy and an intervention. Her actions in the book were very warped and I found her lies and actions difficult to stomach. She could be cruel (her actions toward Mary illustrate this well) and I found her so difficult to empathize with or like.

Colin was a caricature, stereotypical, a villain. His character wasn’t nuanced or complex which made Janet’s situation (and how she found herself there) even more baffling. Mia and Robbie were vacuous and the fast and furious dynamics between the couples seemed inauthentic given the circumstances of how they all met.

As above, I liked Nish. Despite how Janet treated her, she always tried to include, support, and be there for her.

The book was fast but I didn’t enjoy reading it. Disappointingly, I had most of it figured out early on too. It’s a real shame, I was expecting another banger like the author’s first book. I grow increasingly disenfranchised with thrillers; so many seem geared toward parents and totally miss the mark for me.

[Lucinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know it’s a good one when you find yourself thinking about the characters during the day when you’re not actually sitting down and reading. This is a story of love, sadness, loss and courage with a sprinkle of humour that keeps it real.
Loved it!

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poor Janet

[Audrey Haylins · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I Let You Go is as scrumptious as it gets: lusciously lyrical prose wrapped around an irresistible protagonist, amid alternating layers of intrigue and humor. I DEVOURED it!

This is the story of Janet Brown, a woman weighed down by guilt and grief, whose small world revolves around her cleaning job, her elderly father in his care home, and controlling husband Colin. She is wholly subservient to Colin, who dictates her every move. It’s a sad little life, but no more than Janet deserves; the penance she pays for the tragic mistake of eleven years ago.

When Janet is offered the chance of redemption, she grasps it with both hands, graciously accepting her unexpected elevation from insignificance to celebrity in the wake of her heroic rescue of a little girl in a train crash. All is not as it seems, however. And as Janet’s memory of the crash returns, she finds herself caught in a frightening spiral from which there seems no escape.

If you’re a fan of Joanna Cannon, then you will fall in love with Charlotte Levin. There are many similarities between the two, not least the masterful use of language. Levin’s writing is stirringly evocative, perfectly framing the repetitive mediocrity of Janet’s life and her inner turmoil — and secret joy — as it takes its surprising turn.

I loved the compulsive ebb and flow of the narrative, the highs and lows of Janet’s journey. Her transformation from a cowed, colorless individual into a women wholly alive for the first time in years. This blossoming then crushed by her anguish as the truth unfolds.

The story embraces some difficult topics — loss, grief, guilt, blame — but Levin handles them with the utmost sensitivity. I even found some sympathy for Colin, who at the end of the day was also a victim. But it was Janet I cared and rooted for.

As for the ending, it couldn’t have been more perfect; quietly teasing before finishing on the gentlest, most satisfying of flourishes.

[Melanie O'Neill · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really liked this one. Kept me interested till the last page. Read on my kindle alongside another book. I would recommend.

[Karen Barber · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I Let You Go is a story that quietly worms its way under your skin, gradually revealing the details of its protagonist’s life.
Janet Brown is a woman used to not standing out. She cleans offices for a living, has few friends and lives with an emotionally abusive husband. We gradually learn some of the details of her life, and it’s hard not to feel sympathy for her.
When Janet wakes in hospital with a head injury, she is thought to have been involved in a serious train crash. She can remember little of the evening, but footage emerges of her helping to rescue the daughter of a local celebrity. Before you know it, Janet is being interviewed on national TV and hailed as a hero. She can’t be certain, but Janet is convinced the details aren’t quite right. And how do you tell anyone of your fears when you’re trapped in your situation?
Though she does a thing that I find awful to consider, Janet is painted in such a way that it’s hard not to hope things work out for her. As we learn the true story of that night, and see the damage caused by the death of Janet’s daughter years earlier, it became harder to see this story in black and white terms. Grief is destructive, and we see how damaging it can be for all concerned.
Thanks to NetGalley for giving me the opportunity to read and review this before publication.

[Lauren pavey · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I let you go by Charlotte Levin
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (4.5 out of 5)

This book tells the tale of Janet, a woman who is coming to terms with loss and trying the navigate the way out of her trapped life. It’s a slow thriller with fantastic characters and wonderfully easy to read.

Janet felt so broken that I just wanted to wrap a blanket around her and whisk her away! She is married to Colin who made my skin crawl, I can’t remember the last time I physically felt consistently repulsed by a character to this degree and I wish I could give you spoilers of the ending but I won’t don’t worry🤣

Janet is flawed and damaged but so immensely vulnerable that even though I didn’t agree with her actions I still could not stop sympathising with her. This is definitely a book where the character spoke to me and I followed the characters and their feelings more than the plot.

The ending is written in a way that you can draw your own conclusions and I liked the fact that things were not rushed and wrapped up in a bow neat and tidy.

It’s slightly slower in the beginning but stick with it and you’ll be pleasantly surprised ! I can’t wait to read more from this author.

Thank you so much to pan MacMillan, the author and of course @instabooktours for arranging such a fantastic readalong!


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[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't really know about this book at first but I did get into it. Janet is a cleaner with an overly controlling husband, Colin. It's clear from the start that something isn't right between the pair, Colin is horrible towards Janet, never lets her go out and always expects her to do everything for him.

She lost her child when she was only 7 years old, this was 11 years ago now, and her husband blames her for it. Despite Colin's control, she manages to go out on a night out to celebrate a colleagues leaving party. Only things go wrong, and Colin turns up outside the venue to collect her and her friend to take them home. After yet another argument when Colin does something horrendous, Janet disappears out the back of their house, which backs onto a train track. Next thing we know, Janet seems to be involved in a train accident, and when she wakes up in hospital nobody knows where she was going or why she was on the train, including Janet.

It soon turns out that there is CCTV footage of Janet saving a young girl on the train, who is the daughter of famous people in the area, so soon enough there's a lot of interest in Janet. She can't remember if she saved the child or not but the CCTV certainly suggests that, and it leads to all sorts of events for Janet. From being spoken to by journalists, to going on morning TV, and meeting the family of the young girl she saved. Soon, Janet's own story of losing her daughter comes out and there's a fundraising page set up to raise money so Janet can buy a headstone for her daughter.

Not everything goes to plan... and Janet starts to recall events from the night and realises maybe she didn't save the young girl, and she doesn't deserve the money that is being raised for her. It was a rollercoaster of emotions and it was a good story.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking.

A story of love, loss, grief. Of blame. Of punishment. Of keeping a memory alive. Of fearing letting that memory go.

We meet Janet on what would have been the 18th birthday of her daughter, Claire, who died in a tragic car accident 11 years earlier. Janet blames herself and so does her husband, Colin.

That night, Janet joins her colleagues for a leaving party & returns home to find Colin has done the unthinkable: burned some of Claire’s belongings to punish her for going out. Janet has a break: she forces her way through their overgrown garden onto the train tracks. She falls when she dodges an oncoming train, incurring a head injury. In her precarious mental state and desperation to get away, she follows the tracks until she meets the scene of a train accident. With Claire on her mind, she is caught on camera screaming about how there’s a little girl that needs help; a little girl that she has given CPR too.

As she’s recovering in hospital, unable to remember the events of the night, that video is released and a search for the woman who saved a little girl, Lizzie, gets underway. Lizzie is the daughter of a famous TV chef, Robbie, and his model wife, Mia.

Swept along in the media storm, as Janet’s memories come back, she realises that she didn’t save Lizzie. However, by this point, she’s in too deep and doesn’t know how to get out.

As all this unfolds, we find out what happened the night Claire died, that Janet was leaving Colin because of his abusive controlling behaviour. She’s subjected herself to this for 11 years as punishment for killing their daughter.

When a message from beyond the grave tell’s Janet to be brave, will she come clean and will she finally be able to move on with her life?

This is a fast paced story, for the most part. It meandered a little in the beginning, dragging out scenes with Robbie, Mia and Lizzie with guilt-filled angst that got a little repetitive but was important to understand Janet and her situation. I wanted to shake Janet, scream at her to ditch Colin. That she didn’t deserve all the self-hate, the abuse she put up with. That is wasn’t her fault.

As the book came to a close, I found myself on the verge of tears. Any book that evokes that depth of feeling has to be a 5⭐️ read.

[Marles Henry · Rating 3 out of 5]

IGrief is such a dark cloud, and it can affect the human form in so many ways. Sometimes you want to let the grief go, and sometimes people and events just won’t let you. This is where Janet finds herself. She is a cleaner by day, is trying to keep a connection to her father as dementia slowly eats away at him, living with Colin who seemed to control everything including the guilt around the death of their daughter. Such a strong story from the point of view of Janet whose life is again turned upside down almost 11 years ago an then again one evening, which traumatised her again so much she forgot and blocked a lot of it out of her mind.

We see the elements of grief, plain and simple, and also control, guilt, abuse and the need to find closure. Colin kept their daughter’s room locked up, almost as if he wanted to lock away the grief and never deal with it. I think Janet was using the room as a way to deal with her grief; to own it, work through it. The mental abuse that Colin enacted on a daily basis was too much, as if he bore no responsibility on life in general.

The snowballing of decisions, and the application of guilt and control are very painful to read. The sense of helplessness begins to bleed through the pages. Janet’s induced paranoia finally leads to the truth coming out, and decisions being made with a glimmer of hope for her at the end.

[andshe.reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

After reading Charlotte's Debut novel If I Can't Have You Yet and might I add she absolutely smashed it, I knew I had to read If I Let You Go and it didn't fail to disappoint.

Her writing is fabulous, full of emotion, and her descriptions are on point, and there is always that mix of humour combined within the chapters.

The characters were well rounded admittedly Colin was a complete A##hole, but it totally added to the narrative of the story. The main character, Janet, was completely flawed, and her actions were just not right, but she was a grieving soul, so vulnerable, and I had so much empathy for her from the get-go. My heart completely went out to her. Oh, and Nish erm best friend goals right there!!!

I appreciated the ending it wasn't rushed, and I liked that it wasn't all tied up neatly in a nice little bow. It was very much left up to how the reader wanted to decipher it.

Overall, another superb read, and I can not wait to see what Charlotte Levin produces next.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was completely different to the first book I read of Charlotte's but really interesting and different. This book was really sad at times. You could tell Janet was really struggling with the loss of her daughter Claire and unfortunately has a husband that seems to have a alot of insecurities of his own and takes it out on her. When Claire wakes up in hospital with no memory or how she's there she gets wrapped up in this story that unfortunately hadn't happened and we see her grapple with the guilt of living with it and the consequences. She does develop throughout this book and seems to start seeing her real worth although sometimes takes a route she shouldn't to try and not have the truth come out. I did enjoy listening to this book. I'm happy with the ending of it all and glad the truth finally did come out.

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is such a powerful read and emotional at the same time. Janet is dealing with an unimaginable loss whilst also being involved in a relationship that is full of coercive control, she’s a likeable character and I felt so sorry for her as I continued to read. Colin really is a nasty piece of work 👎🏻

The chapters were nice and short which made it easy to read and I found myself eager to keep turning those pages. I was so engrossed in Janet’s story and had so much hope for her be set free from Colin and be able to live.

As the train crash happens and things spiral incredibly quickly, I couldn’t help but feel anxious on if people would find out or discover anything.

Beautifully written and a wonderful character created for this story. Loved Janet!

[Louise Fein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having also read and loved this author's debut novel, If I Can't Have You, it is clear that she has an enormous talent for writing unforgettable, complex characters who, despite behaving in sometimes shocking and indefensible ways, burrow their way under your skin. They will make you laugh, cry, wince and sympathise. A deeply empathetic exploration of grief, loneliness, guilt, toxic relationships and forgiving oneself. At its heart, this is a poignantly sad story, but it is told with such humour and warmth that one cannot help but enjoy every nuance drawn through the perfectly written prose. Highly recommended!

[Chloë Dowman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well this was a speedy read. A great story. The main character Janet is very believable. Following the death of her daughter, she has become trapped in her life. A change in events triggers her life to spiral in a different direction. I found myself shocked at some behaviours whilst simultaneously rooting for her.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed Charlotte Levin’s first novel If I Can’t Have You so I was really looking forward to reading this. I think my expectations were too high and I didn’t enjoy this as much! It was still enjoyable but just not quite as good as her other book.