Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners: Master the Slippery Rules of Modern Ethics and Etiquette

by Robin Abrahams

A witty, sophisticated guide to the new principles of modern social behavior, by a psychologist and popular alternative-etiquette-and-ethics guru

This is no rule book about forks and calling cards. As a child, Robin Abrahams was bitterly disappointed when her parents forced her to have a lemonade stand rather than a booth for dispensing advice. In Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners , Abrahams, now a psychologist and the popular "Miss Conduct" columnist for The Boston Globe Sunday Magazine , tackles the perplexing social dilemmas of our

- Is it polite to say "Bless you" to a sneezing atheist?
- Should a foreign person's name be pronounced in his native accent?
- Does knitting at a meeting display a lack of attention or superior multitasking?
- Can a restaurant these days still be so fancy that you cannot request a doggie bag with dignity?
- What's a nice vegetarian to do if Gypsies give her bread smeared with lard?

Bringing to bear the insights of psychology, Abrahams outlines eight steps to more graceful living that can be applied to uncertain situations-and for handling the inevitable mistakes-involving food, religion, children, pets, health, sex, money, and more.

With humor, compassion, and gusto, Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners delivers thoughtful and thought-provoking advice for everyone navigating the complex world of modern human interaction.

Genres: Nonfiction

288 pages, Paperback

First published May 26, 2009

About the author

Robin Abrahams is the “Miss Conduct” columnist for The Boston Globe Sunday Magazine and writes the “Socially Scientific” column for the science humor magazine Annals of Improbable Research. A research associate at Harvard Business School, she has also worked as a stand-up comedian and holds a doctorate in psychology. She and her husband, Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, live in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Reviews

[Hom Sack]

A delightful read full of good advice. My favorite is chapter 4 on the subject of relationships, relationships of all kinds.

[Min]

This manners guide is too much for me, and the slope is too slippery. I am bored by the citation of numerous sociological and psychological studies. (The author has a PhD in developmental psychology from Boston University and lives in Cambridge, Mass.) A little too "witty" and "with it" for my taste. I prefer Judith Martin, Miss Manners. Note to copy editor: Letitia Baldrige is the correct spelling, not Baldridge.

[Lawanda]

A great read with humorous insight and wise guidance on the place of etiquette in our ever-more confusing world.

[Lexi Pain]

Very in depth and thoughtful book that combines etiquette with sociology and psychology. Loved it and will keep it to reread as needed.

[Jenny]

If Robin Abrahams is as funny, smart, and down-to-earth as she comes across in this book, then I want to hang out with her. I have long enjoyed reading Abrahams's Miss Conduct column in the Boston Sunday Globe Magazine, and now I can put my finger on why. This book is not about manners in the Emily Post sense of which fork to use when--it's a look at why people behave the way we do from the standpoint of psychology, sociology, history, and even evolution (excellent discussion in the pets chapter of how dogs and humans evolved together into our unique relationship, a great read for any dog lovers out there), and how we can more effectively and smoothly interact with each other keeping that background in mind. Abrahams offers smart, common-sense advise that is grounded in real-world situations. She is witty. She is blunt. She offers hilarious examples from her own life. She has mastered the art of using the short sentence to punctuate an idea. Her background as a psychologist, professor, and stand-up-comic clearly serves her well in helping her effectively deliver her message in this book.

I particularly enjoyed Miss Conduct's section on the mommy wars. She highlights how the media loves to pit stay-at-home moms against working moms, but how the real problem is the larger social issue of our national laws failing to support families. She writes, "in the United States today, we've settled into a general societal consensus that places having children into a category closer to a hobby than a job or social good, and like all hobbies the cost should be borne entirely by the people who choose to take it up. A recent survey of 177 countries revealed that 168 of them offered guaranteed leave with income to mothers, with 98 offering fourteen weeks or more off work. Among the minority that did not: Lesotho, Liberia, Papua New Guinea, Swaziland--and the United States" (164). An insightful, if depressing, look at this issue. My only critique is that there could have been more on men's/dads' choices in this section.

Abrahams's sections on food allergies/preferences, holidays, health issues, and finances (how DO you split the bill when everyone has a different attitude toward money?) are all very useful and very funny. I'll be first in line to buy her next book.

[Heather]

A psychologist/comedian writing about manners? I couldn't think of anyone better suited. A lot of the book covered different viewpoints and things to consider when doing things, since there really is no one right way to do anything in today's society. The most important things are good intentions and giving others the benefit of the doubt. The conclusion was the best part, not only summarizing the content but also adding specific advice and seven principles:

1. Acknowledge conflicting values.
2. Balance the real and the ideal.
3. Assume good intent.
4. Wear your ignorance gracefully.
5. Accept the inevitability of screwing up.
6. Err on the "right" side.
7. Realize that you always have a choice.

Food for thought: Many people seem to think that manners are going downhill- it certainly seems that way, right? Well this author brings up a very interesting, and uplifting, point: "in the past forty years or so, for the first time in human history, the modern West has signed on to the idea that courtesy should be extended to everybody." Until now, there have always been certain groups that were seen as unworthy by "society": women, blacks, handicapped, etc.

Best advice for me: taking chances is a good thing. "Confidence doesn't mean believing that all your comments will be welcome and your jokes laughed at -- it means believing that you can survive if they're not."

[Erin]

I really liked this book, it was well written, funny and helpful. There were certain sections that I felt applied more to me and my social circles than others, but I enjoyed learning more about modern ethics and the etiquette situations that people encounter. And who knows when some of them my become applicable to me?

I learned some things too, including that there are several conversations and situations in my past that I could have handled better. Also, there are some questions that I shouldn't probably ask - even after several martinis. I'm committing to being better and more respectful/thoughtful.

Now onto the good part...turns out that all those times I though I was being paranoid about people being rude about my decision to not eat meat or have kids? Yeah, turns out I wasn't being paranoid, they were being rude....very rude.

I'm going to employ some of Miss Conduct's techniques to better arm myself for these situations and not come away feeling flabbergasted or attacked. Tools for living with all different kinds of people in a non-confrontational way are important.

[Lisa Butterworth]

Abrahams spend a lot of time on background and social science, which is okay by me, since I'm interested too ('cept I knew a lot of this stuff already eh?), but it did give me pause now and then as she explains how dogs came to be our best friends, or how religion came to so universal, and I'd think, hum, isn't this a manners book? Where's the manners?

They do come along, mostly in trickles, occasionally in useful floods. But really this book is not at all about etiquette (no fork advice) and almost entirely about living the golden rule, and a few useful hints on helping us understand our fellow man, and thus treat them with kindness and respect.

My favorite part was her conclusion, seven principal of thoughtful engagement, very useful and thought provoking.

[Michele]

I loved it! She put into words so much the way I think about things. This book should be required reading for all in this "too busy to think about anyone but myself" society. I love how she theorized that the so-called rise of rudeness is due to the increasing segregation of like-mindedness, (ie, what we read, what zip code we live in, even what stores we shop at, etc.) Then, we are put out if we have to deal with others who think differently or act not in the same manner to which we are accustomed. (referring to that difference as "stupidity" or rebuffing the person altogether rather than trying to understand one another. Loved it!

[M]

More of a sociological & psychological commentary (with a light touch) than an etiquette book. No instructions here about which fork to use, but many thought-provoking points about the skills we need to live together in groups with the minimum of alienation. Although I disagree with her on many fundamentals of worldview, I found this author sensible, likeable, and often laugh-out-loud funny. A very interesting and enjoyable book.

[Kate]

I like etiquette guides, and I like Robin Abrahams. This seemed more like an extended column than a book; a little too topical and breezy. I like spending time with this author's style, though, so it was enjoyable.

[Marsy]

Not just about how to behave, but an interesting insight into why we behave badly, and how to deal with it in the complex modern day. Entertaining as well as educational.

[Rose]

I thought that this book is one of the best books on etiquette that has come out recently. She talks about how to deal not only with culture clash, but the differences within generations.

[Anne]

What's a vegetarian to do when she's offered a piece of lard-smeared bread in a Romany village? This burning question and many more are answered in this fascinating and helpful book.

[Ann]

Funny, honest take on how to navigate today's tricky world of manners, when ordering shrimp in a restaurant can lead to a lecture on sustainable fishfarming or more.

[Gwen]

It's etiquette, it's a modern sensibility, how could I not like it?

[Jane]

I'd love to have my own advice column, called "The Appropriate Lady". Even though she doesn't always answer the question(s), I thoroughly enjoyed this. Read it in one day.