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Side Affects: On Being Trans and Feeling Bad
How the “bad feelings” of trans experience inform trans survival and flourishingSome days—or weeks, or months, or even years—being trans feels bad. Yet as Hil Malatino points out, there is little space for trans people to think through, let alone speak of, these bad feelings. Negative emotions are suspect because they unsettle narratives of acceptance or reinforce virulently phobic framings of trans as inauthentic and threatening. In Side Affects , Malatino opens a new conversation about trans experience that acknowledges the reality of feeling fatigue, envy, burnout, numbness, and rage amid the ongoing onslaught of casual and structural transphobia in order to map the intricate emotional terrain of trans survival. Trans structures of feeling are frequently coded as negative on both sides of transition. Before transition, narratives are framed in terms of childhood trauma and being in the “wrong body.” Posttransition, trans individuals—especially trans people of color—are subject to unrelenting transantagonism. Yet trans individuals are discouraged from displaying or admitting to despondency or despair. By moving these unloved feelings to the center of trans experience, Side Affects proposes an affective trans commons that exists outside political debates about inclusion. Acknowledging such powerful and elided feelings as anger and exhaustion, Malatino contends, is critical to motivating justice-oriented advocacy and organizing—and recalibrating new possibilities for survival and well-being.
247 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 1, 2022
About the author
Hil Malatino
10 books44 followersHil Malatino is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies and a research associate in the Rock Ethics Institute. He holds a Ph.D. in Philosophy and a graduate certificate in Feminist Theory from Binghamton University. Prior to coming to Penn State, Dr. Malatino was a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Gender Studies at Indiana University and Assistant Director and Lecturer in Women’s Studies at East Tennessee State University.
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January 5, 2022Source of book: NetGalley (thank you)
Relevant disclaimers: None
Please note: This review may not be reproduced or quoted, in whole or in part, without explicit consent from the author.
This is a really difficult book to talk about, because I’m conscious of my lack of standing, the subject matter is intense and painful, and the style tends towards the remorselessly academic. Which makes it hard to recommend as anything other than a work of scholarship. As a work of scholarship, though … well, I don’t really have standing to assess that *either*. I’m increasingly wondering why on earth I was approved for this. Still, for what little my judgement counts for given that I’m utter layperson, Side Affects struck me as deeply compelling.
Forgive me from the brutalisation of what a complex premise: but essentially Side Affects is essentially an exploration of some the negative emotions attendant upon being trans, emotions that—Malatino argues—are often denied or minimised in pursuit of a standardised, simplified trans story i.e. of trauma followed by medical intervention followed by happiness. While it’s a very different book, in both focus and approach, to The Transgender Issue (and anyone looking for in the other stands to be if not disappointed then at least somewhat confused) what these two texts do have in common is a commitment to the creation of narratives of transness that are neither framed by nor answerable to those pre-defined by an inescapably transphobic cultural context.
I struggled most—as a randomer who picked up a scholarly work—in the early parts of Side Affects, since these are the sections that seemed to me to be the most inseparable from academic discourse. Which is not to say there’s anything wrong with academic discourse but, ye gods—and I realise this is slightly hypocritical coming from me—is there a tendency to use six-hundred-and-seventy words instead of forty. And that’s not to say the language is imprecise, or even impenetrable, it’s just … there’s a lot of it? I mean, I’ve never seen ‘bifurcated’ so many times in a single book. To take an example,
*breathes*
Now, I either adapted or, its following chapters, Side Affects moved into an academic mould I find more personally accessible: that of critical analysis of various books, documentaries, and other pieces of media. Either way, from Numbness onwards (the book is structured around a succession of negative emotions—Fatigue, Numbness, Envy, Rage, Burnout—before focusing on questions of healing and resilience, and the ways that they too can reinforce problematic hegemonies) I felt like a more useful recipient of what this book was telling me.
In particular, I was able to see past the nature of the language to recognise the passion that exists alongside it. Not, I hasten to add, that any writer is required to show me their passion before I’ll listen to what they’re saying. I think I just wasn’t quite prepared for an academic text to … move me? Illuminate me, education me, interest me, certainly. But in the end I did find Side Affects quite beautiful: it’s an unabashedly intellectual book with an equally unabashedly emotional heart. And, this may not be how one is supposed to assess scholarship, but I kind of loved it for that.
Relevant disclaimers: None
Please note: This review may not be reproduced or quoted, in whole or in part, without explicit consent from the author.
This is a really difficult book to talk about, because I’m conscious of my lack of standing, the subject matter is intense and painful, and the style tends towards the remorselessly academic. Which makes it hard to recommend as anything other than a work of scholarship. As a work of scholarship, though … well, I don’t really have standing to assess that *either*. I’m increasingly wondering why on earth I was approved for this. Still, for what little my judgement counts for given that I’m utter layperson, Side Affects struck me as deeply compelling.
Forgive me from the brutalisation of what a complex premise: but essentially Side Affects is essentially an exploration of some the negative emotions attendant upon being trans, emotions that—Malatino argues—are often denied or minimised in pursuit of a standardised, simplified trans story i.e. of trauma followed by medical intervention followed by happiness. While it’s a very different book, in both focus and approach, to The Transgender Issue (and anyone looking for in the other stands to be if not disappointed then at least somewhat confused) what these two texts do have in common is a commitment to the creation of narratives of transness that are neither framed by nor answerable to those pre-defined by an inescapably transphobic cultural context.
I struggled most—as a randomer who picked up a scholarly work—in the early parts of Side Affects, since these are the sections that seemed to me to be the most inseparable from academic discourse. Which is not to say there’s anything wrong with academic discourse but, ye gods—and I realise this is slightly hypocritical coming from me—is there a tendency to use six-hundred-and-seventy words instead of forty. And that’s not to say the language is imprecise, or even impenetrable, it’s just … there’s a lot of it? I mean, I’ve never seen ‘bifurcated’ so many times in a single book. To take an example,
When is one “post” transition? Who experiences such unity between feeling and perception, given how radically thrown—nonsovereign, out of one’s control—modes of intersubjective corporeal perception are? Is there ever an experience of subjectivity-in-sociality that isn’t, to some (significant) extent, shaped by dissonance and misrecognition, particularly if, as Berlant reminds us, “recognition is the misrecognition you can bear?” Is there ever a moment where we are—transparently, in all our complexity, intuitively and deeply—known by those others we share space with? Where those others understand our bodyminds in precisely the ways in which we desire them to? Even if such moments are possible, or at least feel possible, that doesn’t erase the prior years of consistent dissonance, misgendering, and misrecognition, nor does it easily transform the anxiety and fear that one cultivates as a product of living through (routine, quotidian, incessant) moments.
*breathes*
Now, I either adapted or, its following chapters, Side Affects moved into an academic mould I find more personally accessible: that of critical analysis of various books, documentaries, and other pieces of media. Either way, from Numbness onwards (the book is structured around a succession of negative emotions—Fatigue, Numbness, Envy, Rage, Burnout—before focusing on questions of healing and resilience, and the ways that they too can reinforce problematic hegemonies) I felt like a more useful recipient of what this book was telling me.
In particular, I was able to see past the nature of the language to recognise the passion that exists alongside it. Not, I hasten to add, that any writer is required to show me their passion before I’ll listen to what they’re saying. I think I just wasn’t quite prepared for an academic text to … move me? Illuminate me, education me, interest me, certainly. But in the end I did find Side Affects quite beautiful: it’s an unabashedly intellectual book with an equally unabashedly emotional heart. And, this may not be how one is supposed to assess scholarship, but I kind of loved it for that.
Together, we imagined a possibility instead of an ending. This is the real story of bodies. Movement, joy, and release into new configurations. Our bodies do not need to be perfect or exactly as they were when we were born. We are not ruled by the shape we arrive in. We adapt, heal, and expand. Our bodies are not an ending, but a beginning. This is a truth I am willing to die for.
March 28, 2022
I always have a difficult time knowing how I should review texts written in such a heavily academic fashion as Hil Matino's Side Affects: On Being Trans and Feeling Bad. If I'm reading a biology article, it makes sense to me when I struggle to understand parts of it as I am not a biologist. When the topic regards trans feelings and experiences though, I ask myself if most trans people would be able to read it or if they would want to. A book like this takes twice as long to read and requires a dictionary for me even though I have a somewhat academic background and experience with this subject matter in my own life. Despite my thinking that a ton of trans people from varying backgrounds could benefit from relating to this and a ton of cis people could benefit from better understanding these complexities of human experience, I don't think most will choose or be able to. I decided that I would put this statement at the beginning and review the rest of the book as the scholarly work that it is.
Despite this book being so heavy with gender studies jargon, I found Malatino's writing style to be quite poetic and enjoyable to read. He has a way with blending personal experience as a transmasculine person into a larger narrative of what other transmasc folks may face as well as trans people from many other backgrounds and identities. (Keep in mind, not all AFAB trans people, including trans men, identify as transmasculine, I am using the term specifically here.) During the first half of the book, I was completely immersed in how Malatino conveyed exactly what I have felt and thought so many times throughout my own life and transition. He included things I and trans friends have said in personal conversations that I sometimes fear saying in the larger world.
The general thesis is that- like all humans- our experiences are very complex and varied. Furthermore, we often feel bad about parts of our transition from dysphoria, desire, envy, disappointment, loneliness, discomfort, betrayal, isolation, and a multitude of other un-fun feelings to deal with. However, in a society full of paradigms and people that would rather we not exist, or worse, we often feel the need to be publicly glued to some simplistic narrative where everything is very clear cut, we have a very clear "before" and "after," and where we are just like cis people only trans. We fear that if we are honest about things, those who seek to invalidate, destroy, or criticize our humanity will gain ground. We fear that we will lose community, lose our history or future, and lose ourselves if we are not in line with the overarching message of x transgender movement or even our trans friends and communities. In this book, Malatino focuses specifically on the feelings fatigue, numbness, envy, rage, and burnout.
I can see why Torrey Peters has a quote listed on the publisher's page for this book. I adored, "Detransition Baby," as did friends of mine. Many other people, trans and not, hated it. It's a messy book full of messy trans feelings and experiences- especially the kinds we're never supposed to say out loud- often because we disagree with ourselves or hate to admit we think or feel a certain way. I like these texts because they allow us all to be truly human. That's the toughest stuff to deal with when we talk about liberation. We're all fucked up. Malatino uses both fiction and non-fiction written by trans people to form his analyses about these emotions and experiences. This blend of sources fits with the book well as both fiction and nonfiction have excellent and differing ways of telling the truth.
I doubt you will find the same cries of oppression that Peters' polarizing novel sometimes invoked in response to Side Affects because academic analysis remains more detached from emotion for many people. But, that doesn't mean he didn't hit on very deep seated thoughts and feelings that many of us grapple with every day. We cannot be forced into the boxes that both cis and trans people try to fit us all into. Hell, most cis people can't fit into the boxes they create.
There were some very interesting glimpses into history that I had never heard about. Learning about Rupert Raj and Dallas Denny in the sections on burnout were interesting editions to an already critically important topic. The section "On Whiteness and Healing," there are multiple explorations of appropriation, racism, eugenics, colonization, etc. But, what really stuck out to me was learning about how people I would normally associate with hippy, love everybody culture could often be ridiculously fascist in their desire to abolish queerness or gender variance through things like psychedelic drug treatments. What a wild ride.
All in all, this short little academic exercise hit me in much more intimate ways than I initially anticipated. It packs a lot into around 100 pages not including notes and acknowledgements. Malatino used that space efficiently. If you're willing to take your time and google those academic words you've never heard of, I definitely think this book is worth it. It's a great thought exercise even in the spots where I don't entirely agree. I am eager to see what other people think once it's out and reaches a larger audience.
This was also posted to my blog.
Despite this book being so heavy with gender studies jargon, I found Malatino's writing style to be quite poetic and enjoyable to read. He has a way with blending personal experience as a transmasculine person into a larger narrative of what other transmasc folks may face as well as trans people from many other backgrounds and identities. (Keep in mind, not all AFAB trans people, including trans men, identify as transmasculine, I am using the term specifically here.) During the first half of the book, I was completely immersed in how Malatino conveyed exactly what I have felt and thought so many times throughout my own life and transition. He included things I and trans friends have said in personal conversations that I sometimes fear saying in the larger world.
The general thesis is that- like all humans- our experiences are very complex and varied. Furthermore, we often feel bad about parts of our transition from dysphoria, desire, envy, disappointment, loneliness, discomfort, betrayal, isolation, and a multitude of other un-fun feelings to deal with. However, in a society full of paradigms and people that would rather we not exist, or worse, we often feel the need to be publicly glued to some simplistic narrative where everything is very clear cut, we have a very clear "before" and "after," and where we are just like cis people only trans. We fear that if we are honest about things, those who seek to invalidate, destroy, or criticize our humanity will gain ground. We fear that we will lose community, lose our history or future, and lose ourselves if we are not in line with the overarching message of x transgender movement or even our trans friends and communities. In this book, Malatino focuses specifically on the feelings fatigue, numbness, envy, rage, and burnout.
I can see why Torrey Peters has a quote listed on the publisher's page for this book. I adored, "Detransition Baby," as did friends of mine. Many other people, trans and not, hated it. It's a messy book full of messy trans feelings and experiences- especially the kinds we're never supposed to say out loud- often because we disagree with ourselves or hate to admit we think or feel a certain way. I like these texts because they allow us all to be truly human. That's the toughest stuff to deal with when we talk about liberation. We're all fucked up. Malatino uses both fiction and non-fiction written by trans people to form his analyses about these emotions and experiences. This blend of sources fits with the book well as both fiction and nonfiction have excellent and differing ways of telling the truth.
I doubt you will find the same cries of oppression that Peters' polarizing novel sometimes invoked in response to Side Affects because academic analysis remains more detached from emotion for many people. But, that doesn't mean he didn't hit on very deep seated thoughts and feelings that many of us grapple with every day. We cannot be forced into the boxes that both cis and trans people try to fit us all into. Hell, most cis people can't fit into the boxes they create.
There were some very interesting glimpses into history that I had never heard about. Learning about Rupert Raj and Dallas Denny in the sections on burnout were interesting editions to an already critically important topic. The section "On Whiteness and Healing," there are multiple explorations of appropriation, racism, eugenics, colonization, etc. But, what really stuck out to me was learning about how people I would normally associate with hippy, love everybody culture could often be ridiculously fascist in their desire to abolish queerness or gender variance through things like psychedelic drug treatments. What a wild ride.
All in all, this short little academic exercise hit me in much more intimate ways than I initially anticipated. It packs a lot into around 100 pages not including notes and acknowledgements. Malatino used that space efficiently. If you're willing to take your time and google those academic words you've never heard of, I definitely think this book is worth it. It's a great thought exercise even in the spots where I don't entirely agree. I am eager to see what other people think once it's out and reaches a larger audience.
This was also posted to my blog.
January 5, 2023
I felt very seen, as a trans person with depression who has an intimate relationship with suicidality— to have these feelings contextualized within the greater scheme of transphobia and misogyny was great. I both loved and hated how referential it was to other texts (many works of fiction), because it felt like huge portions were just being told the plot of Little Fish. Which, I mean, is mostly great.
I don’t think i agree with the Tolstoy quote at the end, happiness and euphoria aren’t that boring and I would argue that the pain and suffering we experience due to hate and violence against us is way more boring.
I don’t think i agree with the Tolstoy quote at the end, happiness and euphoria aren’t that boring and I would argue that the pain and suffering we experience due to hate and violence against us is way more boring.
February 20, 2022
It almost physically pains me to admit that I DNF’d this book—allow me to explain.
I’m no stranger to ten dollar words—I’ve been (good-naturedly) teased for being needlessly verbose both at work and in my personal life. Probably not a unique experience from someone who’s always been an avid reader!
However, ‘Side Affects’ by Hil Malatino had me regularly searching Google for phrases used in the introduction alone. It was a slog to even get through the intro and first chapter before I reminded myself that I don’t have to finish anything that I’m not actively enjoying.
While I did find some insightful sentiments on trans theory, I felt this work to be too academic for me to really retain any of the information. It’s what turns me off to so much theory in the first place and gives me a new appreciation for authors who can break down big concepts into easily digestible writing.
All this to say that if you have a solid foundation for reading academic theory and want to learn more about the trans experience, you’ll likely get much more out of this book than I did.
Thank you to NetGalley and University of Minnesota Press for providing me with a digital ARC in exchange for an honest review.
I’m no stranger to ten dollar words—I’ve been (good-naturedly) teased for being needlessly verbose both at work and in my personal life. Probably not a unique experience from someone who’s always been an avid reader!
However, ‘Side Affects’ by Hil Malatino had me regularly searching Google for phrases used in the introduction alone. It was a slog to even get through the intro and first chapter before I reminded myself that I don’t have to finish anything that I’m not actively enjoying.
While I did find some insightful sentiments on trans theory, I felt this work to be too academic for me to really retain any of the information. It’s what turns me off to so much theory in the first place and gives me a new appreciation for authors who can break down big concepts into easily digestible writing.
All this to say that if you have a solid foundation for reading academic theory and want to learn more about the trans experience, you’ll likely get much more out of this book than I did.
Thank you to NetGalley and University of Minnesota Press for providing me with a digital ARC in exchange for an honest review.
August 9, 2022
Side Affects is an incredible addition to trans scholarship. Malatino's writing is sharp and absolutely gorgeous. This book offers supple reframings of our bad trans feelings not only as a brilliant critique of the racial and hegemonic underpinnings of "successful" transness, but also as an invigorating basis for trans activism and social change, moving readers to agitate for trans well-being interdependently rather than on appropriative modes of individual happiness and the low-hanging fruit of individual thriving. I dog-earred so many pages of this book to come back to and reflect upon again that my copy's spine is aching.
June 20, 2025
okay hell yeah. truly brought a kind of peace while reading that i didn't know was achievable while articulating what i didn't know was possible to articulate... haven't felt this way since reading gender outlaw basically
March 31, 2024
6✨ read. Very good end to the Trans Rights Readathon
July 7, 2023
It is true that the affective experience of reading Side Affects was “bad,” for me. I had gone into it expecting relatability, and a reprieve from poptimist, samey media accounts of transness. Instead, it was a highly researched academic book, citing over a hundred activists, experts, artists, quarterlies, reports, emails, show notes, and ephemera. The casual title had lulled me into thinking I would be reading something colloquial, dumbed down. I “felt bad” reading it in the library, in
my apartment, in the urban indoor market, as music revolved beneath a vaulted, industrial
ceiling. Transition, Malatino refrains, leads to a sense of being placeless, surrounded by a great
deal of indifferent, hostile humanity, for which there is no restitutio ad integrum. Moments of
gender euphoria are fugitive, the exception that proves the rule. We have the technology to treat
dysphoria, but there are no palliatives for the side effects listed here. A dangerous thought
started recurring, as I read on. “I could be doing something else,” I kept thinking, “I could be
reading anything else.”
Beyond gender euphoria and dysphoria, Side Affects explores a set of more ambient emotions that
suffuse the trans daily: anxiety, envy, numbness, rage, and burnout. The book explores the phenomenon of stasis, centering on the plodding slowness of building a future within the grinding repetitions of the transphobic daily. There are five chapters elaborating the five affects, and a sixth “where do we go from here?” chapter. In each chapter Malatino surveys the uniquely trans manifestations of each negative affect, providing both surveys of and working definitions for the terms, drawing on a variety of sources, both cis and trans, fictional and real.
Most interesting to me was the chapter on Numbness, in which Malatino discusses the role of flat affect in providing an insulating distance between trans subjects and their surrounds. “Flat affect” in the psych literature manifests “as verbal monotony, facial inexpressiveness, and generalized apathetic response.” Lauren Berlant describes this as a covert strategy of “sneaking around the codes of sincerity and legibility that make social life possible.” Trans people grow skeptical of routine encounter because it is based on cisnormative presumptions, and the result of this skepticism is withdrawal from public life. Some might brand such a strategy as a “coping mechanism” or even
a type of humorous self-positioning, but the author identifies flat affect as definitively negative, a
“stammering,” a mask which never fits quite right, but can never be taken off.
There are three dreams when it comes to transition: the desire to be recognized as the other
gender (usually), the desire to look good, and the desire to feel, if not happy, better. This is
usually ‘felt’ as one single dream of self-transcendence. What happens when transition results
in a decrease in perceived attractiveness? When constant awkward scenarios undermine one’s
libido for living? When the desire to pass becomes an obstacle to sincerity? Malatino refuses to
reconcile these competing dreams and recuperate the byproducts as “part of the process.”
In this morally detached account, Malatino fails to tell us how to feel about the feelings, and
doesn’t even try to reinforce a right to transition. In doing so he is writing against the grain of
other trans writers and LGBT helping professionals, with their constant reversion to compassion,
blow-softening, bodily autonomy, and “don’t kill yourself” codas. Looking back, Side Affects is
not a book for sitting down and reading cover to cover, but that was on me. I would recommend
thumbing through it, seeing what resonates, and stopping before you start... feeling bad.
my apartment, in the urban indoor market, as music revolved beneath a vaulted, industrial
ceiling. Transition, Malatino refrains, leads to a sense of being placeless, surrounded by a great
deal of indifferent, hostile humanity, for which there is no restitutio ad integrum. Moments of
gender euphoria are fugitive, the exception that proves the rule. We have the technology to treat
dysphoria, but there are no palliatives for the side effects listed here. A dangerous thought
started recurring, as I read on. “I could be doing something else,” I kept thinking, “I could be
reading anything else.”
Beyond gender euphoria and dysphoria, Side Affects explores a set of more ambient emotions that
suffuse the trans daily: anxiety, envy, numbness, rage, and burnout. The book explores the phenomenon of stasis, centering on the plodding slowness of building a future within the grinding repetitions of the transphobic daily. There are five chapters elaborating the five affects, and a sixth “where do we go from here?” chapter. In each chapter Malatino surveys the uniquely trans manifestations of each negative affect, providing both surveys of and working definitions for the terms, drawing on a variety of sources, both cis and trans, fictional and real.
Most interesting to me was the chapter on Numbness, in which Malatino discusses the role of flat affect in providing an insulating distance between trans subjects and their surrounds. “Flat affect” in the psych literature manifests “as verbal monotony, facial inexpressiveness, and generalized apathetic response.” Lauren Berlant describes this as a covert strategy of “sneaking around the codes of sincerity and legibility that make social life possible.” Trans people grow skeptical of routine encounter because it is based on cisnormative presumptions, and the result of this skepticism is withdrawal from public life. Some might brand such a strategy as a “coping mechanism” or even
a type of humorous self-positioning, but the author identifies flat affect as definitively negative, a
“stammering,” a mask which never fits quite right, but can never be taken off.
There are three dreams when it comes to transition: the desire to be recognized as the other
gender (usually), the desire to look good, and the desire to feel, if not happy, better. This is
usually ‘felt’ as one single dream of self-transcendence. What happens when transition results
in a decrease in perceived attractiveness? When constant awkward scenarios undermine one’s
libido for living? When the desire to pass becomes an obstacle to sincerity? Malatino refuses to
reconcile these competing dreams and recuperate the byproducts as “part of the process.”
In this morally detached account, Malatino fails to tell us how to feel about the feelings, and
doesn’t even try to reinforce a right to transition. In doing so he is writing against the grain of
other trans writers and LGBT helping professionals, with their constant reversion to compassion,
blow-softening, bodily autonomy, and “don’t kill yourself” codas. Looking back, Side Affects is
not a book for sitting down and reading cover to cover, but that was on me. I would recommend
thumbing through it, seeing what resonates, and stopping before you start... feeling bad.
May 19, 2023
There's a very good reason why this book took me over half a year to finish. It's on a difficult topic that is both incredibly validating to encounter as a trans person, but it also has the potential (and result, in my case) of deepening those bad feelings. This isn't to say that trans folks shouldn't read this book if they are feeling bad, but rather that I recommend taking your time with it. I certainly did. I picked up this book when I was feeling bad on a number of fronts well after I had gotten nearly all of what I wanted from transition. It was incredibly upsetting to realize that I had done everything I could to align my inner world and my social presentation and still be mis-recognized and regularly refused to be taken seriously. Malatino theorizes this as an "interregnum," which I think is a powerful framework for understanding just how awful that feeling of being stuck is. I picked up this book when I was at an academic conference – my first in-person conference since 2019. In the intervening period, I had taken advantage of numerous medical and social options to solidify my transness in the world. The result of having people not know me in my current form was incredibly jarring, and I found myself having all kinds of "bad feelings." Rage. Envy. Exhaustion and burnout. I had developed deeper relationships with trans people in my life, but I couldn't help but notice the intensity of the friction that often arose. So when I began reading this book, it was incredibly validating to have someone outline the widespread nature of these bad feelings, and to explore the structural reasons why they are so prevalent. The final chapter on care and "woo" read like icing on the cake.
This book is unrepentantly written in a style most familiar to high critical theory and philosophy. Those of you looking for an accessible entry point into these ideas would probably do better to listen to Malatino's interview on the Gender Reveal podcast (season 6, episode 8). I personally think that when ideas are this complex, the prose style should force me to slow down. It is what I need, especially as I try to keep my own affect from dipping too low in the terrifying world 2023 is turning out to be for trans and queer people in the United States.
This book is also generative. I can't wait to see what further research builds off of these ideas. Given that Malatino's research is mostly in texts (books, blogs, newletters, and archives), there are numerous opportunities here for those of us in the qualitative social sciences to extend these ideas in other arenas. And that, I believe, is the hallmark of a good book.
This book is unrepentantly written in a style most familiar to high critical theory and philosophy. Those of you looking for an accessible entry point into these ideas would probably do better to listen to Malatino's interview on the Gender Reveal podcast (season 6, episode 8). I personally think that when ideas are this complex, the prose style should force me to slow down. It is what I need, especially as I try to keep my own affect from dipping too low in the terrifying world 2023 is turning out to be for trans and queer people in the United States.
This book is also generative. I can't wait to see what further research builds off of these ideas. Given that Malatino's research is mostly in texts (books, blogs, newletters, and archives), there are numerous opportunities here for those of us in the qualitative social sciences to extend these ideas in other arenas. And that, I believe, is the hallmark of a good book.
March 8, 2022
In 'Side Affects', Hil Malatino opens up a space for a nuanced exploration of the 'bad' feelings specific to the trans experience. I think this book is vitally important, because, as Malatino argues, there can be great reluctance in expressing anything other than dysphoric or euphoric feelings in relation to being trans, for fear of coming across as 'inauthentic or threatening' to others, especially those who act in bad faith. The text is relatively short, and despite being highly academic, I still found it accessible as a reader. It's definitely a book I would want to read if I were learning about these topics in a formal setting. Reading it made me want to be taught by Malatino!
Chapter by chapter, Malatino explores emotions such as rage, envy, fatigue, and numbness, making use of examples in media and contemporary world events in smooth, digestible transitions. I found the chapters on numbness and envy particularly interesting, and definitely felt understood by the author. It's exceptionally rare to read a book that explores topics such as these, and some parts of the book really felt like a lifeline.
Ultimately, Malatino is writing about ways in which we must confront difficult emotions, work through them rather than avoiding them or fearing them, so as to reconcile with the past and heal. Being stuck very much in the 'flat affect', it feels like an enormous mountain to climb, and too much water under the bridge. That's why I hope younger readers, perhaps those at university, might read this book and begin considering its lessons early enough in life not to fall so deep into the spiral.
I am very grateful to the publisher and NetGalley for providing an ARC of 'Side Affects'. These opinions are my own. (Surname corrected 3.8.22 with apologies to the author, I struggle with this a lot.)
Chapter by chapter, Malatino explores emotions such as rage, envy, fatigue, and numbness, making use of examples in media and contemporary world events in smooth, digestible transitions. I found the chapters on numbness and envy particularly interesting, and definitely felt understood by the author. It's exceptionally rare to read a book that explores topics such as these, and some parts of the book really felt like a lifeline.
Ultimately, Malatino is writing about ways in which we must confront difficult emotions, work through them rather than avoiding them or fearing them, so as to reconcile with the past and heal. Being stuck very much in the 'flat affect', it feels like an enormous mountain to climb, and too much water under the bridge. That's why I hope younger readers, perhaps those at university, might read this book and begin considering its lessons early enough in life not to fall so deep into the spiral.
I am very grateful to the publisher and NetGalley for providing an ARC of 'Side Affects'. These opinions are my own. (Surname corrected 3.8.22 with apologies to the author, I struggle with this a lot.)
May 9, 2024
so good. reasons why trans ppl feel bad. i got so much out of this book. would recommend. now omw to yoga and very gassy uh oh
March 7, 2022
sad i had to dnf. Of what I could understand of this book it was insightful and got me thinking about my own transition and experiences as a trans person. and I really wanted to be able to read more of this as it pertains to my senior thesis I’m currently working on. But the writing in this is inaccessible, which is one of my least favorite thinks about academia. I wish academia would stop using writing that is gibberish to the average person, and even worse for people like me with learning disabilities.
July 21, 2024
A whole lot of great insight, impeccably worded and drawing from a wide variety of sources and inspirations, on a few discrete bad feelings endemic to the trans community, including the systems at play and their role in sustaining trans folks. I would recommend!
This was not an easy read for me; it is far and away the most academic book I’ve ever read, as someone that didn’t really take liberal arts classes in college. Lots of big words and building on theory I’ve never been exposed to. But it was a mental workout I’m glad to have undergone.
This was not an easy read for me; it is far and away the most academic book I’ve ever read, as someone that didn’t really take liberal arts classes in college. Lots of big words and building on theory I’ve never been exposed to. But it was a mental workout I’m glad to have undergone.
July 30, 2023
This beautifully written book reached into some of the most familiar yet difficult to be-with feels of being trans (and, I think, also deeply relatable to many other queer and also neurodivergent and disabled folks, even as these are specifically trans affects — but the solidarity I have experienced through these complexities of my own lived-in identities makes me want to share this text with those folks too). I felt a resonance that, as Malatino suggests, does deepen and strengthen solidarities through affective connection and shared understanding. The final chapter was both deeply challenging to me (always a good thing), and left me a little disappointed that Malatino didn’t turn to Indigenous scholars on this kind of topic — I feel there is more to unpack and to work with here, and maybe this is something of a starting point even as it is framed somewhat as a closure, an ending. I’m looking forward to thinking-with this text more into the future. Heartfelt thanks.
April 21, 2022
“Moving bad feelings to the center of a discussion of what, if anything, might link or be shared by disparate trans subjects is a way of reorienting the way trans experience is thought; it becomes less about a diagnosis, less about dysphoria, less about our personal relation to embodiment and transition, and instead about more or less shared affective orientations to relentlessly quotidian, hydra-headed forms of transantagonism.” (11)
December 11, 2023
What a perfect book to wrap up my 2023 reading challenge. And challenging it was! Insightful, extensive, painful, relatable, motivating. I annotated the fuck out of this book and I will definitely be revisiting it. This book is required reading for everyone!
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May 9, 2023Moj prikaz na srpskom: https://talas.org.rs/2023/05/08/pisat...
August 27, 2025
a very good selection of essays. i was hoping that there would be more of a focus on true affect theory instead of just the discussion of affect, but the interdisciplinary approach made up for it.
April 16, 2026
So good - I need to get a physical copy to reread and take notes in.
March 26, 2022
"Some days (weeks, months, years)," Hil Malatino begins, "being trans feels bad. To say so isn't particularly insightful--it's merely factic. Yet there's not much available cultural space for actually existing trans people to think through, let alone speak of, such bad feeling with any degree of nuance or complexity ... the genres of trans living are whittled down to just a few: hero worship, demonology, victimology." Malatino goes on to illustrate the similarly limiting framing of trans experiences in gender dysphoria and euphoria. In Side Effects, Malatino aims to articulate from a more granular lens feelings and common experiences that tend to accompany the experience of being transgender within a Western geographic framework. In naming these "bad feelings," Malatino aims to help trans readers "begin the long process of working with and through them."
I received an advanced reader copy of this book and loved it. I felt seen and held in the articulations of trans experience in its pages. If I had anything to say to the negative, it would be that the writing style fits squarely within queer/critical theory academia, which can be difficult to understand for readers without prior initiation. Throughout the book, criticism of oppressive systems of power are commonly addressed but within the folds of its own pages this book perpetuates a certain classist firewall limiting comprehension to readers who either have the time or prior education to understand its often dense language and references. There were definitely more accessible breaks from the academic jargon and it may be that the author was attempting to write in a more accessible style but failed to do so consistently. Queer theory definitely has a long history and there may be more merits to the writing style than I'm able to comprehend but it's hard for me to overlook the readers it can exclude.
Malatino posits five core side effects of trans experience with which he bases the first five chapters on: fatigue, numbness/dissociation, envy, rage, and burnout. While it may sound like a bummer of a read (and, to be fair, naming challenging feelings can and does often elicit an emotional resonance that, while healing, can be challenging), I found the chapters to be incredibly deep, informed by both history and fiction and nonfiction narratives of trans authorship, articulating the spaces in which these feelings arise and the benefit these feelings provide to us even amidst the challenge they offer. Some of the most meaningful passages for me were on how trans intimacies (t4t) serve as a form of resilience and space of mutual recognition through which to weather the storm of exclusion from the safety of cisnormative social structures. As well, postulating envy as a defining emotion for trans experience in place of dysphoria (placing the heart of trans experience within desire rather than squarely within feeling bad).
Chapter six focuses on society trans and cis attempts to ameliorate trans suffering and the exclusionary and white-centering ideologies and practices that often accompany such attempts. I found this to be the most analytically thin chapter but it had some very interesting information on the history of the World Professional Association of Transgender Health (WPATH) that helps hone a critical eye to the institution.
Overall, I found this an immensely important book for me (a white transfeminine reader). It's a book that I plan to re-read, perhaps many times.
I received an advanced reader copy of this book and loved it. I felt seen and held in the articulations of trans experience in its pages. If I had anything to say to the negative, it would be that the writing style fits squarely within queer/critical theory academia, which can be difficult to understand for readers without prior initiation. Throughout the book, criticism of oppressive systems of power are commonly addressed but within the folds of its own pages this book perpetuates a certain classist firewall limiting comprehension to readers who either have the time or prior education to understand its often dense language and references. There were definitely more accessible breaks from the academic jargon and it may be that the author was attempting to write in a more accessible style but failed to do so consistently. Queer theory definitely has a long history and there may be more merits to the writing style than I'm able to comprehend but it's hard for me to overlook the readers it can exclude.
Malatino posits five core side effects of trans experience with which he bases the first five chapters on: fatigue, numbness/dissociation, envy, rage, and burnout. While it may sound like a bummer of a read (and, to be fair, naming challenging feelings can and does often elicit an emotional resonance that, while healing, can be challenging), I found the chapters to be incredibly deep, informed by both history and fiction and nonfiction narratives of trans authorship, articulating the spaces in which these feelings arise and the benefit these feelings provide to us even amidst the challenge they offer. Some of the most meaningful passages for me were on how trans intimacies (t4t) serve as a form of resilience and space of mutual recognition through which to weather the storm of exclusion from the safety of cisnormative social structures. As well, postulating envy as a defining emotion for trans experience in place of dysphoria (placing the heart of trans experience within desire rather than squarely within feeling bad).
Chapter six focuses on society trans and cis attempts to ameliorate trans suffering and the exclusionary and white-centering ideologies and practices that often accompany such attempts. I found this to be the most analytically thin chapter but it had some very interesting information on the history of the World Professional Association of Transgender Health (WPATH) that helps hone a critical eye to the institution.
Overall, I found this an immensely important book for me (a white transfeminine reader). It's a book that I plan to re-read, perhaps many times.
December 2, 2025
long list of other people's ideas and a lot of random academic terms without saying anything particularly novel or generative. whole thing kind of felt like pseudo theory.
April 8, 2023
this didn’t hit quite as much as Trans Care did but it’s still a really poignant, thought-provoking book. i was particularly struck by the sections on trans rage and trans envy, as well as malatino’s conclusion that, while writing about gender euphoria is undoubtedly powerful, “happiness is not contagious,” and therefore does nothing to dismantle the oppressive systems creating these debilitating “side affects.”
4.5 stars 🖤
4.5 stars 🖤
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May 13, 2023A lot of jargon and definitely beneficial (necessary?) to go in with an understanding of 101 and 201-level trans discourses for this text to be fully graspable. I found the chapters that draw on historical and biographical examples of community and discourse stronger than the ones that used contemporary novels as affect case studies. Did not agree with everything but it gave me a lot to think about, definitely worth the read.
May 19, 2023
This book is bound to be a classic in trans studies. The concepts around "interregnum" and envy (affective response to perceived inequality), especially, are bound to influence other academic work. Trans readers be warned: it may deepen bad feelings just as easily as it will make you feel validated. Amazing work. Thank you, Hil Malatino.
May 11, 2025
this book was too smart for me but in the best fuckin way. i loved this quote so so much:
Rage is a legitimate response to significant existential impediments, to roadblocks that minimize, circumscribe, and reduce one's possibilities, and it is a response that seeks to transform, and destroy, such impediments.
Rage is a legitimate response to significant existential impediments, to roadblocks that minimize, circumscribe, and reduce one's possibilities, and it is a response that seeks to transform, and destroy, such impediments.
February 12, 2026
I wrote a whole review for this when I finished it but I accidentally deleted my read history :-(
In short: it's fantastic. Five stars. Malatino is a great writer who, despite writing in an academic fashion, is very readable. Necessary if you're trans and able to get through some harder than average writing.
In short: it's fantastic. Five stars. Malatino is a great writer who, despite writing in an academic fashion, is very readable. Necessary if you're trans and able to get through some harder than average writing.
April 12, 2022
An incredibly powerful, insightful, important book. This book should be required reading for all humans as a means to try to understand. I will carry this wisdom with me personally and professionally.
November 26, 2022
This was SO GOOD. I cannot begin to say how helpful this was to me in my early transition. It felt so good to read this and hear that it is okay that everything doesn't feel great. That these negative experiences have collective power.
August 30, 2023
Did not expect to be able to pull so much insight into my own experiences from this book, but I am glad that I did. I’ve felt validated and challenged beyond my expectations for a casual read. I look forward to being able to read this again!
July 10, 2024
This is a powerful book, packed with academic theory. Blending fiction and non fiction sources, the experiences of trans people are real, nuanced and complex. Ultimately a call to trans activism and social change, this wont be an easy read for everyone, but it is well worth it.
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