The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups

by Joseph R. Myers, Coach John Wooden and Futurist Leonard Sweet (Foreword)

A practical guide for those struggling to build a community of believers in a culture that wants to experience belonging over believing Who is my neighbor? Who belongs to me? To whom do I belong? These are timeless questions that guide the church to its fundamental calling. Today terms like neighbor, family, and congregation are being redefined. People are searching to belong in new places and experiences. The church needs to adapt its interpretations, definitions, and language to make sense in the changing culture. This book equips congregations and church leaders with tools to: • Discern the key ingredients people look for in community • Understand the use of space as a key element for experiencing belonging and community • Develop the “chemical compound” that produces an environment for community to spontaneously emerge • Discover how language promotes specific spatial belonging and then use this knowledge to build an effective vocabulary for community development • Create an assessment tool for evaluating organizational and personal community health

Genres: Church, Christian, Nonfiction, Leadership, Ecclesiology, Theology, Christianity

192 pages, Paperback

First published September 5, 2003

Reviews

[Andy Littleton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important questions addressed in this book! It’s applied mostly to churches, but the concepts apply to families, neighborhoods, and any other communities desiring to understand how people understand belonging. I found the organization of it a little distracting, but I still recommend it. Post-read my head is full of ideas and questions. That’s a good sign!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first half of this book was really fascinating. I found the rest a bit redundant. It was a really good exercise for me to consider how people in my church experience community on the four levels of belonging (public, social, personal, intimate). It’s definitely a great book to add to the library of anyone in a ministry relating to getting people assimilated into a church community.

[Bruno · Rating 4 out of 5]

This books provides great insight on the level of connection we develop (or what to expect) and participate in our lives. The author defines relationships with other individuals or groups into what he calls the "four spaces". Although it's based on a religious background it provides a very natural and universal mapping into group relationships.

[Brent · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a church consultant, Myers applies social theories about space and culture to guide churches in seeing the connection between all of the beneficial “spaces” that move people along in their faith journeys. I like Myers’ fresh thinking, but I can’t agree with his laissez faire applications.

[Patrick Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! This volume causes one to pause and completely re-think what churches are really trying to do with small groups. It is not against small groups, but the thought is that we're not getting the "bang for our buck" from a church's small groups because we don't understand the concept of space.

I appreciate Joseph Myers taking the reader through his thoughts in regard to space. He nails it in his final chapters as he actually shows how this process can benefit a church's small group ministry. It doesn't necessarily mean wiping out the small group ministry, but just redefining what belonging and intimacy means.

[Nate Duriga · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd like to rate this higher because it offers insights and perspective on how people relate that's valuable for the church. If you have the feeling that the small group trend is not living up to it's hype, you'll find some language to help understand why here. But the format have of a scattered feel, and questions were dealt with only from a descriptive social sciences standpoint, without relating those to ecclesiology.

[Josh Loomis · Rating 3 out of 5]

This felt like a book that's presenting a great idea and scrambling to find an appropriate application for the concept.

Myers is overly critical of small groups and churches for wanting to pursue them. The final chapter is a case study that doesn't really have a conclusion because the method hasn't actually been proven in a church setting yet.

There's some thought-provoking concepts in the book, but ultimately it fell flat for me.

[Zak Schmoll · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been fortunate to be a part of a wonderful small group, and I was always curious how we have been so successful for many years while many small groups fade away. We are not just a successful small group because we decided to be a small group. We have learned how to fulfill particular social needs in each other's lives. Some groups try to force intimacy, and others fail to establish any type of true identity needed to define what the group actually is. This is a book written for pastors, but it is actually very personally applicable as well. There is one passage I found theologically questionable, but this is not a theology book per se, so I would still recommend it for sure.

[Anya Miller]

Yet another capstone read. I found this book to be helpful to me on a social level, helping me make sense of times when I have felt as if I have trespassed against an unspoken social rule...yet, if I'm being honest, it wasn't my favorite read.

[Rob Markley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Trying hard to remember this - I know it was a disappointment and I seem to recall it was all about trying to apply some sort of scientific methodology. People aren't machines

[Jeremy Piehler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book.

The biggest take away for me was starting to understand the importance of LOTS of types of belonging. The 4 spaces is key!

[Rick Mcgarry · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is nothing mechanical about implementing the ideas in this book, which generates as many or more questions than it does answers.

[Nathan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Complicated to rate this one because it has helpful insights if you can completely ignore its misunderstanding of the gospel.

[Chris Little · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wavered between two options when it came to choosing a star rating for The Search to Belong. Because there are some powerfully helpful ideas, I considered four out of five. But everything else moved me towards two from five.

No matter which way I went, I knew that I disliked reading the book - even the bits I liked. So that decided the matter: **/*****.

What's valuable: Myers picks up the analysis of Edward T Hall that society consists of four "spaces": public, social, personal, and intimate. Each space has its own character, strengths, and modes of operation. And each is valuable in its own right, not as a mere stepping stone to the "really real" relationship of intimacy.

So, applied to churches, Myers urges readers to make sure people have room to relate in any and all of the social spaces. Excellent!

What I disliked does not undermine the benefit of those valuable thoughts. But what I disliked I really disliked. Some examples.

Myers has an ear for how people feel. He frequently speaks of how he felt in different situations. That's a wonderful skill. But Myers turns how we feel into obligations: "people feel this therefore we must act in the following way." There is apparently no possibility of people feeling the wrong thing, or entertaining awful desires.

Similarly, we are told people at churches can only lead themselves. "Only you can lead you." It's imperative, therefore that 'leaders' in churches get out of the way. They can supply a framework for people to grow, but must refrain from trying to lead people. The irony: Myers forcefully tells us - leads us - to the only possible truth, that there is no such thing as forceful leading.

The irony is one thing, but more significant to me is the biblical insistence that there are leaders (in church, home, and society) and that these leaders have God's commission to lead. (See all the biblical language of authority and submission, to investigate further.)

For a third and final criticism, I think the book is a touch confused. In the first two chapters, for instance, Myers frequently spoke of the need to define connection, or community, or belonging. But I never found the definition. So I was not surprised to read a free interchange of terms: with loose definitions it's easy enough to use any term that feels close enough. But that's not good enough if you are trying to present a clear case.

My recommendation, then, is to read this book but to pare back the emergent packing and enjoy the thoughtful idea social spaces.

[Tom Leary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book changed the way I look at small groups and the definition of spiritual growth. Our church is focused on working people down a path where they deepen their faith in God through attending more intimate community relationships, from public gatherings through community events and into personal small group relationships. Joe Myers has me thinking completely differently about that.

Joe describes the four levels of space people move through in different settings. He describes in detail and with examples each of the spaces (Public, Social, Personal and Intimate).

He comes up with a calculation where, for every 1 intimate friend you have, you'll have two personal friends, four social friends and 8 public friends. While this can't be a hard and true calculation, it helps define the number of people involved at different levels and shows that we shouldn't be trying to force people into personal friendships or intimate relationships with each-other, or even God.

The stories in between the descriptions are good and engaging. I did find it distracting to read the different quotes in the middle of text, sometimes breaking apart a thought that I'm trying to understand. It was especially distracting since these quotes are on about every other page in the book.

Overall this was a great book. Our youth leadership consultant also referenced this book in his youth leadership training for our church. If you have any responsibility in defining community or the path people take in their spiritual growth, it's a must-read.

[Steve Johnson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Myers has some good ideas, but he falls into a very scary, post-modern trap. He confuses what people want with what people need and are ask to be. The people in question are the Church. People want to belong to something. (I agree.) They want to belong as they want to belong. (This is true.) So the church should let them, even encourage them to belong however they feel is fulfilling. (Hmmm?) This means that if someone wants to belong like a football fan belongs to the team--cheering from the sidelines--then the church should applaud that. (I firmly disagree.)

Myers doesn't seem to account for the kind of community that the church is called to be. That is, the church is called to be fully committed to the vision. To agree with Myers is to say that if your favorite football player decided one day that they would live out their commitment to the team by buying a team jersey and sitting in the stand, that would be good enough for the team and no one should question their commitment. Followers of Christ are not fans. We are participants in the game. To make them fans because they the don't want to commit to anything else sells them short and falls short in Christ's call.

If there is anything to save from this book it is that Myers pushes the church toward comminities rather than being committee-driven organization. That's a step, but he needs to take the leap. I also appreciate the encouragement for community development through spontaneous formation. This is harder to write in a business plan but will insure more natural and healthier communities.

[Wayne Siggelkow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Upon first glance I did not think this book was for me based on subtitle of Rethinking community, intimacy and small groups. I anticipated a resource on creating strong small group ministries, but instead was treated to a philosophy of what it means to belong and that often we have unrealistic expectations or processes to see this happen. We all do want to belong, but want to do it authentically, not corerced by intentional or unintentional expectations put on us. Myers explores how churches communicate their message of what you need to look like to "belong" and the implications of such subtle acts. Completly fascinating read.

[Scott Asher · Rating 2 out of 5]

Myers does a very good job of explaining his opinions about the four types of belonging (public, social, personal, and intimate.) I was impressed by his argument that it's OK for people in the church to stay in the public or social spaces; we don't need to, and shouldn't try to, push people towards intimacy.

The full review is posted at my blog, http://ashertopia.blogspot.com. This book was provided free of charge by the publisher as a review copy.

[Jared · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It helped me to be at peace with the "space" that relationships I have currently occupy. I've always felt this push to make any relationship closer to imbue it with any meaning or value. Now, I'm cool if I only have "social" relationships with others in different areas of my life. Not all relationships, including spiritual ones, need to be on a fully intimate level to be correct, healthy, meaningful or "right".

[Gary Ganong · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a thorough study of the types of groups that appeal to different sectors of a church. He explains why certain beliefs about church activities are myths. He discusses the dynamics of religion in a post-modern world.He shows that there are limitations to small group activities and that the church must provide opportunities for public, social, personal and intimate interaction depending on the needs and personality of the individual.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great perspective on work done in 60's called Proxemics, study of how physical space affects formation of community. Myers offers 4 categories of physical space: intimate, personal, social and public. He suggests keeping these in harmony when addressing how community forms. Some key insights are offered that will definitely make you rethink what you know about community.

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Myers' approach to recognizing and creating spaces of belonging in churches (and elsewhere) will open your mind to realities you never realized existed. As he relays concepts about the four spaces (public, social, personal, intimate) you will suddenly begin to notice and evaluate those spaces in your own life and church.

Fantastic.

[David Eversole · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me think differently about small groups in the church and about how we bring people in as a whole. I have not quite digested all of it or settled it in my mind, but I appreciate being challenged in thought. It was not, however, very practical. I would like to have seen more detail as to how these thoughts could / should be implemented by the church.

[Betty]

If you like the idea of the emergent church, such as Blue Like Jazz, then this book is for you. I would take what the author says with a grain of salt. It makes good points for a normal social setting, but may not necessarliy fit into the construct of a Church.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book definately changed the way I look at the world and relationships - I highly recommend it. If you want a more complete review I wrote about it at www.bethstedman.com - the blog post is titled The Search to Belong.

[Megan Danner · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a pastor and had part of our leadership team read this book to learn about how to better create places of belonging for members of our congregation. The book was good, but left me wanting a bit more. It ended weirdly and lacked practical applications.

[Bradly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated what this author has to say about church small-groups. He makes a number of good points, which coincide with my own experiences.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

saw this on denice's blog and it made me rethink the place and priority of small groups.

[Sean]

recommended by Duane Cottrell

[David Aldridge · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting take on community and the importance of small groups.