Shame is a daring exploration of the potential and limits of memory and self. Here we meet Grant Maierhofer at various points within his life then, now, and in the future as he investigates the sense of shame that haunts the course of his days. The real and unreal, fact and fiction, blur together in a Kaufmanesque sequence of overlapping narratives about who we really are, how we cope with regret, and the repetitions of our behavior.
Through lists, fragments, recollections, and rants, the story of a son’s vexing grief for his father emerges. A sober addict trying to figure out how to navigate pleasure, diversion, and escape. A father trying to figure out marriage, children, maturity, and responsibility. A confused observer in a world constantly torn apart by media, politics, and aggression. A meditation on the nature of art, and art’s place in contemporary life.
A series of autofictional musings on the challenges of living with OCD and alcohol / drug dependencies while managing a job and the responsibilities of a husband and father of two (one with cerebral palsy) with zero self-esteem.
“I like it when human beings take whatever violence the majority of humanity projects out into the world and direct it inward. Not suicide, not really, but this long slow process of fighting with oneself, remaining at odds with oneself, at war with oneself. That’s what’s important to me. . .”
Maierhofer’s self-hatred includes—among the dozens of acts of self-harm recorded here—swallowing a live coal to produce an injury that will prevent him from speaking and require time for healing that will absolve him of his other responsibilities so that he can ultimately—the goal of the coal-swallowing—spend a month alone writing. Other bad ideas permeate every page of this often squirm-inducing book, shocking both for what the author does to himself and his ability to live through it.
As the stories go on, however, and certainly by the book’s last section, they become more optimistic—no “After all, tomorrow is another day” nonsense but a view of life more accepting, tolerant, and self-aware of its own unreasonable drives coupled with better skills at detaching himself from his self-loathing.