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Life-Changing Cross-Cultural Friendships: How You Can Help Heal Racial Divides, One Relationship at a Time
We can heal our communities--one friendship at a time. Everyone wants to do something to improve race relations, but many of us don't know where to start. In Life-Changing Cross-Cultural Friendships , lifelong friends Gary Chapman and Clarence Shuler will show you how. Through important lessons they have learned, you will learn how to begin and grow authentic friendships across racial and ethnic barriers. Each chapter will guide you toward deeper understanding of what it takes to foster cross-cultural friendships. These powerful lessons Chapman and Shuler challenge every reader to join a movement, the Cross-Cultural Friendship Challenge, and begin changing the world one friendship at a time.
160 pages, Paperback
Published June 7, 2022
About the author
Gary Chapman
612 books3,631 followersGary Chapman, Ph.D.—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people, and for helping them form lasting relationships.
Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over twenty million copies and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling since the beginning of his ministry years, and his nationally syndicated radio programs air on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations.
Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over twenty million copies and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling since the beginning of his ministry years, and his nationally syndicated radio programs air on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations.
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
November 9, 2022
A great message. I genuinely believe we would have less conflict and more peace if we all worked to get along with those different from ourselves.
July 7, 2022
Racism is America’s deepest and longest lasting wound. Sometimes, the wound seems to heal; other times, to deteriorate. According to a 2022 Gallup poll, only 28% of Americans currently are satisfied with the state of race relations in our nation. That percentage improves on 2021’s 23% satisfaction rate, but it still means that 72% of Americans are unsatisfied.
Most public discourse about racism focuses on systemic solutions to the problem. Some advocate antiracism, while others contend for colorblindness. The debate is long-lasting, seemingly intractable, and frequently bitter.
Without discounting the importance of that debate, Gary Chapman and Clarence Shuler take a personal approach to healing America’s racial divide. “We believe that it [i.e., lack of racial unity] is because we have failed on the interpersonal level in relating to those of a different race or culture,” they write. “Most Americans do not have a close personal friend of another race. We may have casual acquaintances, but not close friendships.”
Statistics bear out their point. According to a 2016 report by the Public Religion Research Institute, “Fully three-quarters (75%) of white Americans report that the network of people with whom they discuss important matters is entirely white.” Among Black Americans, 65% have a racially homogenous social network. “Without deep cross-cultural friendships,” Chapman and Shuler argue, “we will never understand each other, and our relationships will always be tenuous in America.”
The authors first met in 1968 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Chapman, who is white, was the youth pastor at a Baptist church. Shuler, who is Black, was a teenager who began attending youth meetings at that church. While legal segregation had formally ended, and public-school integration was soon to start, deep-seated prejudices and the residual effects of a century of Jim Crow kept the races apart.
Chapman risked the disapproval of members of his congregation by warmly welcoming Shuler into the group. Shuler took far greater physical risks by going to church in a white neighborhood. What began as a mentorship soon turned into a friendship. The book charts the course of that six-decade-long relationship.
More importantly, it uses that friendship to illustrate seven principles necessary to building friendships like theirs:
1. There are different levels of friendship. The authors outline four types: situational, professional, mentoring, and close personal. It’s important to know which kind of friendship you have in order to properly manage expectations about it.
2. Friendship begins with courtesy and patience. This point applies to all our dealings with others. “When courtesy becomes a lifestyle, we open the door to the possibility of building friendships across racial and cultural lines,” the authors write.
3. Friends love each other. “Love chooses to seek the best for a friend,” they say. “The opposite of love is selfishness.” This is the crucial issue — whether we look out only for our own interests or also for the interests of others. The authors illustrate cross-cultural love by citing Jesus’ encounter at the well with the Samaritan woman (John 4).
4. Friends apologize and forgive each other. Hurt is inevitable in relationships. Chapman and Shuler show how to apologize when you have sinned against a friend, as well as how to forgive when someone has sinned against you.
5. Friends are not colorblind. Whatever the merits of colorblindness are as an approach to public policy, it is inappropriate in friendship. “We are not to be colorblind but to thank God for our divine differences and that together we are the body of Christ,” the authors explain.
6. Friends disagree agreeably. Friends never agree on everything. Those disagreements don’t have to end the friendship, however. Chapman and Shuler identify three ways to resolve conflict in cross-cultural relationships: (1) “I will meet you on your side,” (2) “I will meet you in the middle,” and (3) “We disagree disagreeably.”
7. Friends are friends forever. Close personal friendships endure over time and become something more like family relationships. This doesn’t happen in every cross-cultural relationship, but it can happen, and when it does, it is beautiful.
Life-Changing Cross-Cultural Friendships makes a valuable contribution to healing America’s racial wound. It offers a testimony to the power of such friendships, as well biblically grounded advice about how to start and maintain them. The book is short and clearly written, and each chapter includes discussion questions. It can be read profitably by individuals, but it is also helpful for group reading and discussion.
The authors conclude their book by asking, “what would happen in our nation, or any nation, if every Christian had a least one close relationship with someone of a different race or culture?” It wouldn’t solve our nation’s difficult public policy debates. However, it could turn down the temperature on them. And that would be a step in the right direction.
Book Reviewed
Gary Chapman and Clarence Shuler, Life-Changing Cross-Cultural Friendships: How You Can Help Heal Racial Divides One Relationship At a Time (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2022
P.S. If you liked my review, please click "Helpful" on my Amazon review page.
P.P.S. This review is cross-posted from InfluenceMagazine.com by permission.
Most public discourse about racism focuses on systemic solutions to the problem. Some advocate antiracism, while others contend for colorblindness. The debate is long-lasting, seemingly intractable, and frequently bitter.
Without discounting the importance of that debate, Gary Chapman and Clarence Shuler take a personal approach to healing America’s racial divide. “We believe that it [i.e., lack of racial unity] is because we have failed on the interpersonal level in relating to those of a different race or culture,” they write. “Most Americans do not have a close personal friend of another race. We may have casual acquaintances, but not close friendships.”
Statistics bear out their point. According to a 2016 report by the Public Religion Research Institute, “Fully three-quarters (75%) of white Americans report that the network of people with whom they discuss important matters is entirely white.” Among Black Americans, 65% have a racially homogenous social network. “Without deep cross-cultural friendships,” Chapman and Shuler argue, “we will never understand each other, and our relationships will always be tenuous in America.”
The authors first met in 1968 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Chapman, who is white, was the youth pastor at a Baptist church. Shuler, who is Black, was a teenager who began attending youth meetings at that church. While legal segregation had formally ended, and public-school integration was soon to start, deep-seated prejudices and the residual effects of a century of Jim Crow kept the races apart.
Chapman risked the disapproval of members of his congregation by warmly welcoming Shuler into the group. Shuler took far greater physical risks by going to church in a white neighborhood. What began as a mentorship soon turned into a friendship. The book charts the course of that six-decade-long relationship.
More importantly, it uses that friendship to illustrate seven principles necessary to building friendships like theirs:
1. There are different levels of friendship. The authors outline four types: situational, professional, mentoring, and close personal. It’s important to know which kind of friendship you have in order to properly manage expectations about it.
2. Friendship begins with courtesy and patience. This point applies to all our dealings with others. “When courtesy becomes a lifestyle, we open the door to the possibility of building friendships across racial and cultural lines,” the authors write.
3. Friends love each other. “Love chooses to seek the best for a friend,” they say. “The opposite of love is selfishness.” This is the crucial issue — whether we look out only for our own interests or also for the interests of others. The authors illustrate cross-cultural love by citing Jesus’ encounter at the well with the Samaritan woman (John 4).
4. Friends apologize and forgive each other. Hurt is inevitable in relationships. Chapman and Shuler show how to apologize when you have sinned against a friend, as well as how to forgive when someone has sinned against you.
5. Friends are not colorblind. Whatever the merits of colorblindness are as an approach to public policy, it is inappropriate in friendship. “We are not to be colorblind but to thank God for our divine differences and that together we are the body of Christ,” the authors explain.
6. Friends disagree agreeably. Friends never agree on everything. Those disagreements don’t have to end the friendship, however. Chapman and Shuler identify three ways to resolve conflict in cross-cultural relationships: (1) “I will meet you on your side,” (2) “I will meet you in the middle,” and (3) “We disagree disagreeably.”
7. Friends are friends forever. Close personal friendships endure over time and become something more like family relationships. This doesn’t happen in every cross-cultural relationship, but it can happen, and when it does, it is beautiful.
Life-Changing Cross-Cultural Friendships makes a valuable contribution to healing America’s racial wound. It offers a testimony to the power of such friendships, as well biblically grounded advice about how to start and maintain them. The book is short and clearly written, and each chapter includes discussion questions. It can be read profitably by individuals, but it is also helpful for group reading and discussion.
The authors conclude their book by asking, “what would happen in our nation, or any nation, if every Christian had a least one close relationship with someone of a different race or culture?” It wouldn’t solve our nation’s difficult public policy debates. However, it could turn down the temperature on them. And that would be a step in the right direction.
Book Reviewed
Gary Chapman and Clarence Shuler, Life-Changing Cross-Cultural Friendships: How You Can Help Heal Racial Divides One Relationship At a Time (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2022
P.S. If you liked my review, please click "Helpful" on my Amazon review page.
P.P.S. This review is cross-posted from InfluenceMagazine.com by permission.
November 14, 2024
My bookclub rating was 3.05
I’m not old enough to relate to all of what Gary and Clarence talked about but I am old enough to have been raised by parents that were filled with the society stereo types. I don’t believe their parents taught them but they bought into all the nonsense they had heard through the years. I love my culturally different friends and couldn’t imagine life without them. Yes, I too have been guilty in assumptions and unintentional offenses (usually from ignorance) but this can happen in any relationship so it is no excuse to not be at the very least friendly.
I’m not old enough to relate to all of what Gary and Clarence talked about but I am old enough to have been raised by parents that were filled with the society stereo types. I don’t believe their parents taught them but they bought into all the nonsense they had heard through the years. I love my culturally different friends and couldn’t imagine life without them. Yes, I too have been guilty in assumptions and unintentional offenses (usually from ignorance) but this can happen in any relationship so it is no excuse to not be at the very least friendly.
December 18, 2024
Kind of basic, but this book prompted our group to consider more deeply our own cross-cultural relationships and how cultural differences may be at play. There is almost always more going on than meets the eye. The authors tell stories from their own cross cultural friendship. While there seem to be some broad generalizations, they share some helpful insights. They challenge every Christian to develop a deep friendship with someone of another race as a means for racial healing. I believe deeply in the need for systemic solutions, but relationships are obviously important as well.
March 28, 2024
It was a good look into some of the important dynamics of our difficulties and advantages when getting to know other people who are unlike us. The illustrations and stories are insightful and helpful in improving our overall understanding of different cultures. Pointedly, it's suggested that it won't come by casual interactions but knowledgeable friendships.
January 24, 2026
The title seemed very general, which I won't deny they did, in fact, talk about cross-cultural friendship. That is the aspect I enjoyed.
As I got further in the book, it felt more like a religious book with all the Christianity references. I couldn't relate to it, but someone who may relate might enjoy the book.
As I got further in the book, it felt more like a religious book with all the Christianity references. I couldn't relate to it, but someone who may relate might enjoy the book.
October 2, 2022
Chapman and his co-author discuss their life-long friendship that started when the co-author was 15 and attending Chapman's church. Ways to provide support and to relate are discussed, using Christian references that are easy to understand. Another excellent Chapman book!
May 21, 2025
Stop fooling people to buy books with absolute crap content and totally meaningless to the title. Using religion to put nonsense thoughts is so uncalled for.
Terrible book. The without should be ashamed !
Terrible book. The without should be ashamed !
February 2, 2023
Amazing book on a truly special friendship and how to form those friendships!
January 15, 2024
I think this is a good read for anyone looking to strengthen their relationship skills.
November 14, 2022
Did not realize it was a Christian book. Pass.
April 16, 2025
Excellent book; easy on the palette
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews