It Starts with You: How Imperfect Parents Can Find Calm and Connection with Their Kids

by Nicole Schwarz, Rebecca Eanes (Foreword)

As parents, we want to shape our children into emotionally mature and healthy human beings. But we cannot effectively shape our children's emotional well-being until we've addressed our own traumas and emotional needs.

In It Starts with You, marriage and family therapist and parent coach Nicole Schwarz offers a nonjudgmental, shame-free guide to parenting children with a calm confidence. Working from a place of grace and compassion, she encourages us to explore how our history, thoughts, and assumptions impact our parenting decisions. Moving away from traditional discipline strategies, Schwarz focuses on the importance of having a calm brain, connected relationships, respectful conversations, and a coaching mindset with our kids.

It Starts with You lays out a five-step process you can turn to whenever you're stuck in a difficult parenting situation. Each step is grounded in research and presented in a way that is easy to understand. Rather than adding unnecessary pressure, we learn that kids do not need perfect parents, but parents who are willing to learn, grow, and move forward with them in a positive direction.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

271 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 15, 2022

Reviews

[Jacob Rollins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book. Helps parents to find grace, not just in their kids but in themselves too. Best way to describe the book is it gives parents tools to be active in parenting instead of reactive. Put the relationship first because that is where the best lessons are learned. It can be repetitive sometimes and I wish more research was provided for the science of the strategies; though, she does an excellent job explaining how the brain works from an adolescent perspective. Great tool for the parenting toolbox.

[Kj · Rating 4 out of 5]

If this were the first parenting book I read, it would have been fantastic because it introduces info from several sources. But because I have read several and had a parent coach for two years, none of this felt new.

[Stephani Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a mother and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, my personal and professional experiences have shown me that parenting is different now than it has been for previous generations as we navigate using research and brain based science to guide us. Science tells us that connection and co-regulation are so important. But how do we learn to connect with our kids and offer co-regulation? We must first look at ourselves, our experiences as children and our experiences with our children, to know what's getting in the way of showing up whole and authentically.
Nicole's book "It Starts with You" guides you through this process in a gentle way. She helps you identify where you are struggling, how your own history impacts your parenting, your relationship with emotions and emotional expression, and so much more as well as how to grow and flourish in your parenting without shame or guilt. This is challenging, self-reflective work to do, but the benefits are endless in your relationship with your child. Nicole's book offers easy to understand information about the science, mixed with stories of her experiences and at the end of each chapter asks you to reflect on the chapter through a few questions. Nicole's style of teaching and offering self-reflection never feels judgmental and I was able to frequently find connections or overlaps in her stories.
I would highly recommend Nicole's book for all parents looking to increase calm and connection in their homes, and for professionals looking to guide parents through this process.

[Savannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely a book I will keep on my shelf to reference for years to come as a parent of 2 kids. I love how Nicole Schwarz brings close the ideas of parenting and working on yourself. She refuses to separate the two realities, and I think that's a really important point to drive home.

As someone who has read in the "positive parenting" genre for awhile, a lot of her points were not new to me, but I appreciated the refresher in such a kind, encouraging tone.

Definitely recommend as an encouragement or reinforcer in the positive parenting library.

[Amanda Ilg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every chapter of this book holds help and encouragement that YOU need in order to be the parent your kids need: imperfect, but good-enough. By “It Starts With You,” Schwarz is referring to the self-awareness, self-compassion, self-regulation, grace-for-self that parents can cultivate first, in a way that makes space for offering those same treasures to our kids. And she gives practical, immediately applicable ways to grow in those areas. This book gleans from current brain science, attachment theory, shame resilience, and more in a way that’s easily readable and useful TODAY.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

It Starts with You’ hits it out of the park as a down-to-earth guide for mindful parents. Sensible, heartfelt advice and relatable stories bring clarity to many situations. Nicole gently helps us see our responsibility as caregivers in a fresh way and as a golden opportunity without any guilt or pressure.

[Jen Bianchi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me take a good look at my parenting. Nicole helped me see that I am capable of rewriting the narrative in such a way that it is more aligned with my priorities and values. One of the biggest takeaways for me is understanding that I don't have to get it right 100% of the time. I am deserving of the same grace I give my daughter as she is growing and learning.

[Cassie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good advice on giving yourself and your children grace. The first half or so talks about noticing your own reactions and behaviors as a parent, then shifts to focusing on connections with your kids and learning to assess their individual needs. A good read for calm, compassionate parenting techniques.

[Stella · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is fantastic. Giving yourself and your kids grace. Setting aside shame and changing the patterns we grew up with (if we want to). We CAN do better and through this research-based and thought-provoking read we can change/heal the relationships within our families.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful parenting book that I will definitely be rereading again in the future! It emphasizes grace based parenting and understanding, as opposed to yelling, harsh punishments, and simply trying to get children to obey.

[Sarah Cotterman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to digest chapters! As a child therapist, I will be recommending this book to all of my clients’ parents. Great summary of lots of research along with great reflection questions.