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Someone Other Than a Mother: Flipping the Scripts on a Woman's Purpose and Making Meaning beyond Motherhood
Theologian Erin S. Lane overturns dominant narratives about motherhood and inspires women to write their own stories.
Cultural scripts about motherhood are so deeply ingrained that we've come to accept them as universal truth, putting moms on an impossible pedestal and shaming childless women and nontraditional families for not measuring up. We've all heard these lines before:
- "Parenting is the toughest job in the world." This idea undermines the work of non-moms and puts pressure on moms (because the burden still falls disproportionately to women) to make parenting their full-time gig.
- "It'll be different when you have your own." Not only does this idea diminish the love of non-biological parents, but it pushes parents to go it alone, when in fact children are a gift best shared.
- "Family is the greatest legacy." For many, children are the ultimate sign of a life well lived, and successes in other areas are discounted, but this book explores how women are making meaning beyond mothering and leaving a legacy predicated on more than DNA.
Interweaving Lane's story with those of others who also chose to go off-script--including singles and couples, stepparents and foster parents, the infertile and the ambivalent--Someone Other Than a Mother creates a vision for a woman's life that affirms the beauty of motherhood while decoupling female purpose from procreation.
Cultural scripts about motherhood are so deeply ingrained that we've come to accept them as universal truth, putting moms on an impossible pedestal and shaming childless women and nontraditional families for not measuring up. We've all heard these lines before:
- "Parenting is the toughest job in the world." This idea undermines the work of non-moms and puts pressure on moms (because the burden still falls disproportionately to women) to make parenting their full-time gig.
- "It'll be different when you have your own." Not only does this idea diminish the love of non-biological parents, but it pushes parents to go it alone, when in fact children are a gift best shared.
- "Family is the greatest legacy." For many, children are the ultimate sign of a life well lived, and successes in other areas are discounted, but this book explores how women are making meaning beyond mothering and leaving a legacy predicated on more than DNA.
Interweaving Lane's story with those of others who also chose to go off-script--including singles and couples, stepparents and foster parents, the infertile and the ambivalent--Someone Other Than a Mother creates a vision for a woman's life that affirms the beauty of motherhood while decoupling female purpose from procreation.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published April 12, 2022
32 people are currently reading
1142 people want to read
About the author
Erin S. Lane
3 books23 followersErin S. Lane is author of Lessons in Belonging from a Church-Going Commitment Phobe and co-editor of Talking Taboo. Confirmed Catholic, raised Charismatic, and married to a Methodist, she facilitates retreats for clergy and congregational leaders through the Center for Courage & Renewal. To find more of her writing, visit www.holyhellions.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 63 reviews
February 2, 2023
Don't be fooled! The title and description is very misleading, in that they lead you to believe the author is childfree, but she is an adoptive parent of 3 children. Lots of biblical references. NOT a book about being childfree written by a childfree author, as one would expect from the title and description. Someone that has chosen to adopt 3 children is definitely not childfree. Regrettably, I paid full price for the book and got 5 women from my childfree group to come hear her speak at our local bookstore. One gal had read some of it and said in chapter 2 or 3 the author finally discloses to the reader that she is an adoptive parent! I felt deceived by the title and description. The author's pastor friend spoke significantly longer than the author herself at the book event. It was not judgemental of a childfree lifestyle, but that didn't pull it out for me. Long rambling sentences. It was very unsatisfying in many aspects.
March 9, 2022
More books like this, please!
As a child, I grew up just assuming I'd be a mom someday. I wanted a dozen, then half a dozen, then finally three seemed like it would enough. I had names picked out.
But after years of casually trying, the Hubs and I realized that it probably wasn't going to happen for us. We decided against doing any fertility testing or intervention, and while we talked about adoption and fostering, we ultimately came to the conclusion that we were happy as we were, and eventually childless turned into childfree.
For years and years I had to endure the question of kids, the assumption I was a mom already, the "reassurances" that it wasn't too late. Thankfully, those are a little fewer as I've reached my 40s. At times it was painful, annoying, or tedious, depending where I was on my journey to not becoming someone other than a mother.
Erin Lane is someone who didn't set out to be a mom, even though she felt a lot of pressure to be one, especially as she is involved in her religious community. Having babies was not the dream, and she met and married someone who was on the same page. She and her husband set out to help their friends and their community, wanting to to be the support system for the friends with kids.... but it turns out most parents these days, at least the ones in their circle, were determined to not reach out.
So eventually she and her husband decided to foster, with set limits. No kids under 5- they value their sleep, which I totally get. Plus, a lot of people like to foster babies in the hope of adopting them, so babies are pretty well covered. Older kids? Much harder for them, especially if they come with issues... and what kids don't, even aside from the whole thing about being in foster care?
They were all set to take in two sisters, but the third and youngest (who was 5, phew!), also came to live with them. And while the goal was reunification with their birth mother, that didn't end up happening. Lane bemoans the fact that all the support foster families are given- monthly stipends, access to free health care and counseling- if given to families struggling would probably go a long way to keeping kids out of the foster system in the first place.
During their fostering process, Erin was writing this book, interviewing women who had either chosen to not have children, had that decision made for them, or who were mothers in other ways- foster parents, step-parents, etc. This was probably my favorite part of the book- the way that Lane clearly admires the women in her life and learns from each of them.
This book also made me realize my own internalized feelings towards motherhood. I have some work to do to unpack some of that.
Things I loved:
Lane says that we are a soul before a role. That there is so much more to us than being a Wife, a Mom, a Whatever.
The concept of mother as a verb vs. a noun.
The history of motherhood, and what it looked like in the past vs. now.
The biblical argument over that whole "go forth and be fruitful" meaning.
Not gonna lie, loved the bits about her kids. Lane shares the good and the ugly, and I really loved how she really seemed to grasp that the girls were in mourning for the life they were forced to leave behind and took care to honor their birth family instead of trying to erase it.
Things I didn't love:
It's fairly heavy on the biblical references. Which makes sense given the author's background, but I wasn't expecting it as I went into the book solely based on title. Lane isn't trying to convert anyone, and the women she interviewed for this book come from all backgrounds, all religions (or lack thereof), but there's a lot of bible talk.
The book meanders and loops back quite a bit, and I feel like it could have been more organized.
Overall, I feel like this book is needed, that conversations around this need to happen. Although, the younger generations seem to be doing a good job of tearing down gender constructs and undefining what it means to be a woman, or a man, or other. That tons of women are growing up without the pressure to have kids they might not want. It would be nice to see the opposite also be true (a friend of mine had her fifth child recently, and preemptively made jokes about it, but there was a lot of judgement towards her. Like, you should have kids, but only so many? Truly, it's exhausting to be a person sometimes).
As a child, I grew up just assuming I'd be a mom someday. I wanted a dozen, then half a dozen, then finally three seemed like it would enough. I had names picked out.
But after years of casually trying, the Hubs and I realized that it probably wasn't going to happen for us. We decided against doing any fertility testing or intervention, and while we talked about adoption and fostering, we ultimately came to the conclusion that we were happy as we were, and eventually childless turned into childfree.
For years and years I had to endure the question of kids, the assumption I was a mom already, the "reassurances" that it wasn't too late. Thankfully, those are a little fewer as I've reached my 40s. At times it was painful, annoying, or tedious, depending where I was on my journey to not becoming someone other than a mother.
Erin Lane is someone who didn't set out to be a mom, even though she felt a lot of pressure to be one, especially as she is involved in her religious community. Having babies was not the dream, and she met and married someone who was on the same page. She and her husband set out to help their friends and their community, wanting to to be the support system for the friends with kids.... but it turns out most parents these days, at least the ones in their circle, were determined to not reach out.
So eventually she and her husband decided to foster, with set limits. No kids under 5- they value their sleep, which I totally get. Plus, a lot of people like to foster babies in the hope of adopting them, so babies are pretty well covered. Older kids? Much harder for them, especially if they come with issues... and what kids don't, even aside from the whole thing about being in foster care?
They were all set to take in two sisters, but the third and youngest (who was 5, phew!), also came to live with them. And while the goal was reunification with their birth mother, that didn't end up happening. Lane bemoans the fact that all the support foster families are given- monthly stipends, access to free health care and counseling- if given to families struggling would probably go a long way to keeping kids out of the foster system in the first place.
During their fostering process, Erin was writing this book, interviewing women who had either chosen to not have children, had that decision made for them, or who were mothers in other ways- foster parents, step-parents, etc. This was probably my favorite part of the book- the way that Lane clearly admires the women in her life and learns from each of them.
This book also made me realize my own internalized feelings towards motherhood. I have some work to do to unpack some of that.
Things I loved:
Lane says that we are a soul before a role. That there is so much more to us than being a Wife, a Mom, a Whatever.
The concept of mother as a verb vs. a noun.
The history of motherhood, and what it looked like in the past vs. now.
The biblical argument over that whole "go forth and be fruitful" meaning.
Not gonna lie, loved the bits about her kids. Lane shares the good and the ugly, and I really loved how she really seemed to grasp that the girls were in mourning for the life they were forced to leave behind and took care to honor their birth family instead of trying to erase it.
Things I didn't love:
It's fairly heavy on the biblical references. Which makes sense given the author's background, but I wasn't expecting it as I went into the book solely based on title. Lane isn't trying to convert anyone, and the women she interviewed for this book come from all backgrounds, all religions (or lack thereof), but there's a lot of bible talk.
The book meanders and loops back quite a bit, and I feel like it could have been more organized.
Overall, I feel like this book is needed, that conversations around this need to happen. Although, the younger generations seem to be doing a good job of tearing down gender constructs and undefining what it means to be a woman, or a man, or other. That tons of women are growing up without the pressure to have kids they might not want. It would be nice to see the opposite also be true (a friend of mine had her fifth child recently, and preemptively made jokes about it, but there was a lot of judgement towards her. Like, you should have kids, but only so many? Truly, it's exhausting to be a person sometimes).
May 10, 2022
I was expecting a deep-dive analysis of motherhood and voluntary childlessness. I was hoping for new ideas about how to navigate the world as a woman who has never had the desire for children. Instead, this read very much like a memoir, with tidbits about mothering dispersed throughout. In the end, it felt like the author further corroborated the narrative that women must act as caregivers in some capacity and that "mothering" can take many forms that we can choose from. Though true, "mothering" is a versatile term, what about those of us who have absolutely no desire or calling to do any mothering or caregiving? I was left unsatisfied after reading this book. It's a shame because this is such an under-represented issue.
December 18, 2021
My God. This better be voted one of the best books of 2022 when it releases. So chock-full of wisdom, story, research, interviews, questions, wrestling, doubt, and deeply prosaic beauty, I could not get enough. Such a necessary read.
June 10, 2022
Except the author is a mother… 🤷🏼♀️
July 12, 2022
“The ability or intent or desire to procreate has no bearing on how blessed you are, or how good you are, or how you can embody the image of love, the image of God, for someone else.”
May 12, 2022
Have you ever had a heavy topic you needed to bring up with a friend and had that friend take that weight and share in it. They mull it over with you, pass the weight back and forth with more questions for you to consider. They treat your burden with a tenderness that only someone who deeply truly knows could.
That is the best way I can think to describe this book.
Erin takes a topic that I had determined long ago, but felt insecure and unsure about. My validity as a woman. Especially a Christian woman always felt in question.
I see the value in these questions for any person. If you are a human, then there is great value in the reflections of this book.
That is the best way I can think to describe this book.
Erin takes a topic that I had determined long ago, but felt insecure and unsure about. My validity as a woman. Especially a Christian woman always felt in question.
I see the value in these questions for any person. If you are a human, then there is great value in the reflections of this book.
July 18, 2022
Wow. The title for this book caught me from the start and I just knew I needed to read it. Phew, I’m so glad I did! I have always been put-off by statements moms make like, “You’ll see when you have your own (kids) one day,” or, “The love of your own (biological) children is the best love you’ll ever feel in your life.” Because I’m pretty certain I will not choose to have biological children but want to foster and possibly adopt, these kinds of statements make me feel like I would be less-than in the eyes of others, that by not having biological children, I am somehow missing “my calling” as a woman (excuse me while I vomit).
Reading this book not only gave me insight into where these myths came from (because that’s what they are, they are not based on anything factual and actually have more roots in propaganda and politics), but also helped me realize that I am not at all alone in this, that there so many woman who are re-thinking what they have been told is their “role” and want to make meaning elsewhere or in addition to mothering. Because that’s important too, this isn’t only a book for childless women, but also for women who have children (whether biological, fostering, care of children, adopting, etc.) and have a desire to explore whether there is more meaning to be made from life than only the role of “mom.”
Truly, this has been one of the most meaningful and impactful books I have ever read, and it couldn’t have come at a better time in my life.
Reading this book not only gave me insight into where these myths came from (because that’s what they are, they are not based on anything factual and actually have more roots in propaganda and politics), but also helped me realize that I am not at all alone in this, that there so many woman who are re-thinking what they have been told is their “role” and want to make meaning elsewhere or in addition to mothering. Because that’s important too, this isn’t only a book for childless women, but also for women who have children (whether biological, fostering, care of children, adopting, etc.) and have a desire to explore whether there is more meaning to be made from life than only the role of “mom.”
Truly, this has been one of the most meaningful and impactful books I have ever read, and it couldn’t have come at a better time in my life.
January 31, 2025
Really liked this! Not for everyone, broad sense of Christian and quite liberal, a good view of why we call people mother, how it changes our view of women, and how we understand our roles. Sociology and theology based. Also touches on her story.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 13, 2024
I felt like this should be advertised more clearly as a memoir, really focusing on the author’s particular journey to adoptive parenting. Overall, it just ended up not being as true to the title and subtitle as I was hoping. I would love to find more, similar memoirs from women who have chosen not to mother at all and their reflections on the kinds of cultural scripts named here.
February 7, 2023
"Truth is not a tyrant". These are the words that convinced me this book was FOR me. Honestly, for everyone I think. I went into this knowing nothing about the author or context of this book I picked it up at the library and HAD to read it for reasons I will not be delving any further in to. I was delighted to find this is written by a religious anthropologist, who ultimately leads a 'child full Life' (her words). She felt like the best person to share the nuances here.
I was totally sucked in to the stories of so many women and saw myself represented. I loved the discussion of meaning and exploration of christian expectation of mothering. I love the mix of 'new age' and illustrative descriptions combined with scripture of biblical info. I felt challenged and inspired by the intentional reflection on relationships and community and value.
'Dear God, Make it beautiful anyway'
"She didn't dream of making humans, she dreamed of doing humanitarian work". I'm not usually one to quote in my book reviews, but I had to rewind and let this metaphorical mic drop more than once for both of these lines while totally sucked in by this audiobook.
This book was BEAUTIFUL and I could really see it being used for a very meaningful intergenerational book study. I think the level of nuance she allows may be a little unsettling to some. But....I think that's the point? Life has room for so much complexity. Erin leaves room for so much nuance and space for people to feel all the feelings. I truly loved this books and will be doing some critical examining of my community after reading (and also, I added like 4 books to my immediate TBR).
PS: The audiobook was narrated by the author, and it was excellent.
I was totally sucked in to the stories of so many women and saw myself represented. I loved the discussion of meaning and exploration of christian expectation of mothering. I love the mix of 'new age' and illustrative descriptions combined with scripture of biblical info. I felt challenged and inspired by the intentional reflection on relationships and community and value.
'Dear God, Make it beautiful anyway'
"She didn't dream of making humans, she dreamed of doing humanitarian work". I'm not usually one to quote in my book reviews, but I had to rewind and let this metaphorical mic drop more than once for both of these lines while totally sucked in by this audiobook.
This book was BEAUTIFUL and I could really see it being used for a very meaningful intergenerational book study. I think the level of nuance she allows may be a little unsettling to some. But....I think that's the point? Life has room for so much complexity. Erin leaves room for so much nuance and space for people to feel all the feelings. I truly loved this books and will be doing some critical examining of my community after reading (and also, I added like 4 books to my immediate TBR).
PS: The audiobook was narrated by the author, and it was excellent.
March 9, 2023
I think this book’s advertising is super misleading. When you read the synopsis, it leads you to believe that Erin S. Lane does not have children in her home, and while she may not view herself as a “mother,” most people in society would view her as one. [Lane was a foster and now adoptive parent, and I appreciate her consistently mentioning that her girls did have a mother before her. I was worried about how her girls’ stories would be discussed, and I think that some of her opposition to motherhood was valid given their first family. However, it is also important to note that she recognized the limitations of her views in general society - such as the fact that her children needed her to state that she was their mother in order to feel belonging.]
I think, though, that the value of this book comes from seeking our meaning beyond whether we choose to have children (biological and not) versus not. That being a woman does not mean that you have to follow a certain path, that these scripts of “you will never know love without children” reinforces a script that outcasts many people in society. And, as Lane points out so many times, ultimately we as people simply seek belonging in society. What is one person’s experience (“I never felt love until I had children”) does not have to be everyone’s meaning.
What most struck me was the conversations about love, the highest love, and expanding our world through love. It is religiously-based; I did not feel overwhelmed by the religious mentionings, but I did grow up with religion in my familial foundations. It may not be for everyone, though.
This book wasn’t what I was expected but did still have meaning. I don’t think I’d recommend it to those who do not wish to parent children, but I do think that I’d recommend it to people who are looking to consider their life’s meaning and how to view love.
I think, though, that the value of this book comes from seeking our meaning beyond whether we choose to have children (biological and not) versus not. That being a woman does not mean that you have to follow a certain path, that these scripts of “you will never know love without children” reinforces a script that outcasts many people in society. And, as Lane points out so many times, ultimately we as people simply seek belonging in society. What is one person’s experience (“I never felt love until I had children”) does not have to be everyone’s meaning.
What most struck me was the conversations about love, the highest love, and expanding our world through love. It is religiously-based; I did not feel overwhelmed by the religious mentionings, but I did grow up with religion in my familial foundations. It may not be for everyone, though.
This book wasn’t what I was expected but did still have meaning. I don’t think I’d recommend it to those who do not wish to parent children, but I do think that I’d recommend it to people who are looking to consider their life’s meaning and how to view love.
June 10, 2022
I came into this book with way too many expectations that it was going to meet my needs, speak to my specific desires, and answer the questions I have been wrestling with for the past year. It is not the author’s fault that these unrealistic expectations were not met.
That being said, it was a little too esoteric and a too academic way of talking about women’s roles and motherhood for my taste. I love a theological memoir but for some reason this one was hard for me to connect with.
All in all, it’s a good jumping off point for ideas I want to think more about! I am glad this book exists and this topic is being researched. It made me think and brought up more questions and ideas for me to consider.
That being said, it was a little too esoteric and a too academic way of talking about women’s roles and motherhood for my taste. I love a theological memoir but for some reason this one was hard for me to connect with.
All in all, it’s a good jumping off point for ideas I want to think more about! I am glad this book exists and this topic is being researched. It made me think and brought up more questions and ideas for me to consider.
July 15, 2023
This was a great read. It unspools the structure of Christian motherhood and the scripts around it in such a unique way. I appreciated the perspective, the writing, and honestly (as someone who doesn’t have kids) the reassurance that I’m not weird, lol. Christian culture can (to me) feel like a “Hurry up and matter” narrative. This book invites a deeper look at slowing down and learning to accept whatever stage of life you’re in. I found it be an encouragement to women, no matter their child status.
April 22, 2023
The dominant scripts about mothering are shaped by a pronatalist culture, which deepens shame for women as they weigh their needs and true identities. Erin Lane explores her own complicated path into mothering by reframing these scripts to offer other angles into who we can be as women, as humans. So if you are without children, with children through your body, blended family, fostering or adoption…this book will help expand and free your assumptions of mothering.
September 11, 2023
Resonated deeply with this book as someone going through significant infertility and questioning what I know about motherhood. It’s given me so much to think about. Want to purchase it myself to read and highlight again and again.
March 23, 2023
Definitely misleading title but enjoyable read nevertheless.
(Audiobook)
(Audiobook)
March 27, 2023
'some loves are born of feeling. Other loves take practice. But that doesn't make them any less love and you any less worthy.'
Books have always resonated with me more than church sermons and with 'Someone Other Than a Mother' it is especially evident. Throughout the book it questions statements I've accepted as truth my whole life. Unlearning societies expectations might be my new favourite thing. Also, LOVE when books reference other books I've read (big friendship!!), its all connected, what a delight 😊
Books have always resonated with me more than church sermons and with 'Someone Other Than a Mother' it is especially evident. Throughout the book it questions statements I've accepted as truth my whole life. Unlearning societies expectations might be my new favourite thing. Also, LOVE when books reference other books I've read (big friendship!!), its all connected, what a delight 😊
July 18, 2022
Relatively thought-provoking. Sometimes very validating. Too Jesus-y.
June 28, 2022
Way too much over-thinking for me.
January 3, 2024
This book calls our attention to the experience of so many woman whose identity is ignored or masked behind the title “mother”. Christians are comfortable viewing women as “mom’s” or “future mom’s” and sometimes even just as a “motherly figure” even if she has no kids in her life. It’s not like those rolls aren’t important - obviously they are - but when a person’s identity is boiled down to the highest culturally valued trait based solely on gender, we miss out on the way God views us. Whether you’re a mom or not a mom (or anything in between or beyond the title) this book reminds women not to get trapped by this world’s expectations of who we are “supposed” to be. Even if you find it comforting to be called mom and with that being your primary identity, that’s not all that you are.
February 1, 2023
loved reading the perspectives of multiple women. also loved the inclusive language and diversity.
November 22, 2024
Erin S. Lane looks at how, despite the concepts of motherhood and womanhood having been wrapped up in each other (especially within a Christian context), both mothers and non-mothers could explore other ways of being. Erin seeks to push back on ingrained ideas that raise the love of biological parents above all other forms, whilst also isolating parents within the nuclear family and burdening women disproportionately with the work of parenting.
Mostly focused around Erin's own story, the book weaves from her place of being solidly childfree, whilst wishing to be part of and contribute to a wider sense of community, towards her decision to become a foster carer and then adoptive parent alongside her husband. This is all set against the story of Erin's faith and her religious principles lay the groundwork for her convictions around giving back to society. However, no one seems more surprised than Erin that she ended up here, as she clearly never expected to adopt children - and she also remarks on how other's reactions changed towards her, as if her adoptive family now made her socially acceptable.
But this doesn't mean that Erin is advocating for all non-parents to take up similar roles - she hasn't lost her convictions around the right for women to be childfree or her empathy for childless people, and the book isn't promoting motherhood (in whatever form) as the only model for womanhood. However, Erin does explore the idea that there are other ways to perform a parental role or use your maternal energy, if so desired, and she seeks to take apart the privilege that lies purely around biological motherhood. She discusses these ideas across the book with various women who have taken other mothering paths - including those who are single, coupled, stepparents, foster parents, childless or ambivalent.
The book may jar with some readers in that it presents someone who was once sure about their childfree status, but is now relishing a parenting role within the shield of a family structure. But Erin speaks from the other side to say that she still doesn't want to be a mother per se - adoptive parenthood hasn't fundamentally changed her, and her life reaffirms that alternative or non-biological family can be just as full of love and care as traditional models. And whilst it's held within a specific American religious setting, hopefully the book can help to provide alternative visions of (m)otherhood that will benefit women in general.
Mostly focused around Erin's own story, the book weaves from her place of being solidly childfree, whilst wishing to be part of and contribute to a wider sense of community, towards her decision to become a foster carer and then adoptive parent alongside her husband. This is all set against the story of Erin's faith and her religious principles lay the groundwork for her convictions around giving back to society. However, no one seems more surprised than Erin that she ended up here, as she clearly never expected to adopt children - and she also remarks on how other's reactions changed towards her, as if her adoptive family now made her socially acceptable.
But this doesn't mean that Erin is advocating for all non-parents to take up similar roles - she hasn't lost her convictions around the right for women to be childfree or her empathy for childless people, and the book isn't promoting motherhood (in whatever form) as the only model for womanhood. However, Erin does explore the idea that there are other ways to perform a parental role or use your maternal energy, if so desired, and she seeks to take apart the privilege that lies purely around biological motherhood. She discusses these ideas across the book with various women who have taken other mothering paths - including those who are single, coupled, stepparents, foster parents, childless or ambivalent.
The book may jar with some readers in that it presents someone who was once sure about their childfree status, but is now relishing a parenting role within the shield of a family structure. But Erin speaks from the other side to say that she still doesn't want to be a mother per se - adoptive parenthood hasn't fundamentally changed her, and her life reaffirms that alternative or non-biological family can be just as full of love and care as traditional models. And whilst it's held within a specific American religious setting, hopefully the book can help to provide alternative visions of (m)otherhood that will benefit women in general.
August 29, 2023
I have been loving this book. It's written by theologian @heyerinlane and explores the narratives and history we have around motherhood. The author draws from her experience of being a Catholic woman who chose not to have biological children and adopted a trio of siblings. She also explores the experiences of other women to highlight the scripts we have about motherhood and how to shift them.
For example- "Your biological clock is ticking" becomes "The sound of your genuine is calling" and "You'll regret not having kids" becomes "Kids are not an insurance policy." The truth is, motherhood is still idealized in a way that is harmful and I love that this book is trying to move the needle.
"What reproductive choices make me feel human-like, finite, fragile, but also accountable? What reproductive choices are accessible or allowable- according to my faith, my family, or my community? What reproductive choices cause joy to flourish- for me, my people, all people?"
"The circumstances that led me to go looking for meaning beyond motherhood were largely chosen (painstakingly so), but it need not be this way for everyone. You may go looking out of curiosity or boredom, you may be on the fence: Do I want to be a mother, and if not a mother, then what? How could that be a good life, too? Or perhaps it is some grief-a diagnosis, divorce, motherhood itself- that causes you to listen for a new story, a kinder story, about who you are when you are not the woman you thought you'd be. Sometimes you go looking when time grows long, nothing dramatic about it, except that you didn't plan to be here, and now here you are, and you would like to make sense of how things turned out without turning to resentment. Increasingly, you go looking because you have no choice. You have to reckon with the singular, astonishing life you have. This book is about what happens when that life is not the same as the life you expected, the life expected for you, to be acceptably female."
For example- "Your biological clock is ticking" becomes "The sound of your genuine is calling" and "You'll regret not having kids" becomes "Kids are not an insurance policy." The truth is, motherhood is still idealized in a way that is harmful and I love that this book is trying to move the needle.
"What reproductive choices make me feel human-like, finite, fragile, but also accountable? What reproductive choices are accessible or allowable- according to my faith, my family, or my community? What reproductive choices cause joy to flourish- for me, my people, all people?"
"The circumstances that led me to go looking for meaning beyond motherhood were largely chosen (painstakingly so), but it need not be this way for everyone. You may go looking out of curiosity or boredom, you may be on the fence: Do I want to be a mother, and if not a mother, then what? How could that be a good life, too? Or perhaps it is some grief-a diagnosis, divorce, motherhood itself- that causes you to listen for a new story, a kinder story, about who you are when you are not the woman you thought you'd be. Sometimes you go looking when time grows long, nothing dramatic about it, except that you didn't plan to be here, and now here you are, and you would like to make sense of how things turned out without turning to resentment. Increasingly, you go looking because you have no choice. You have to reckon with the singular, astonishing life you have. This book is about what happens when that life is not the same as the life you expected, the life expected for you, to be acceptably female."
May 5, 2023
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼.
This book really resonated with me. There were a lot of good points in that had me nodding or even saying out loud, “Amen!”
My reasons for not giving it five stars are:
1. The author actually DID become a mother when she and her husband decided to adopt three sisters. Therefore, she can’t “really” be a non mother, at least in society’s eyes.
2. Though she is a pastor, some of her biblical interpretations were questionable. 🤨 It seemed she may have interpreted the Bible to fit her narrative rather than letting the Bible interpret itself.
Therefore, her credibility is a little 🧐 in that regard.
But other than that, she had so many good points in here. Some I wrote down:
When did a woman’s whole worth and identity become based on their reproductive ability?
Why are we deemed selfish vs selfless, holy vs unholy, immature vs mature based on parenting status?
Where’s the fanfare for women without children?
Having children is the life expected for you, but may not be the life you want
Woman is not synonymous with mother
Why is a woman’s ability to love and be loved dependent on the “mom gene”?
We should care more about how a woman perceives herself than how she fits into a preconceived box.
Mothering is a practice, not a status
The threat of regret is a strategy to get nonparents to conform
No matter how well intended the line “you’ll change your mind” is, there is simply not evidence to support the claim
Having a child does not make sinners into saints
The intent, ability, or desire to procreate has no bearing on how blessed you are, how good you are, or how you can embody the image of love or the image of God.
Whether my life bears fruit is not up to me.
Women should not be defined by their motherhood status.
This book really resonated with me. There were a lot of good points in that had me nodding or even saying out loud, “Amen!”
My reasons for not giving it five stars are:
1. The author actually DID become a mother when she and her husband decided to adopt three sisters. Therefore, she can’t “really” be a non mother, at least in society’s eyes.
2. Though she is a pastor, some of her biblical interpretations were questionable. 🤨 It seemed she may have interpreted the Bible to fit her narrative rather than letting the Bible interpret itself.
Therefore, her credibility is a little 🧐 in that regard.
But other than that, she had so many good points in here. Some I wrote down:
When did a woman’s whole worth and identity become based on their reproductive ability?
Why are we deemed selfish vs selfless, holy vs unholy, immature vs mature based on parenting status?
Where’s the fanfare for women without children?
Having children is the life expected for you, but may not be the life you want
Woman is not synonymous with mother
Why is a woman’s ability to love and be loved dependent on the “mom gene”?
We should care more about how a woman perceives herself than how she fits into a preconceived box.
Mothering is a practice, not a status
The threat of regret is a strategy to get nonparents to conform
No matter how well intended the line “you’ll change your mind” is, there is simply not evidence to support the claim
Having a child does not make sinners into saints
The intent, ability, or desire to procreate has no bearing on how blessed you are, how good you are, or how you can embody the image of love or the image of God.
Whether my life bears fruit is not up to me.
Women should not be defined by their motherhood status.
April 18, 2023
There are so many books out there on motherhood and parenting and I understand why and I am so grateful for them. But I rarely see books about being child-free by choice. And this is the first one I read. I personally have only very briefly mentioned online that I am currently child-free by choice and the reason is because this subject can get nuanced real fast. If not done well, it can easily offend or be completely misunderstood. So, I do not go there on the internet. But I am so glad that Erin S. Lane wrote this book. She did such a beautiful job of being inclusive of all women and their choices (moms through birth, adoption, child-free by choice, child-free not by choice, fostering…).
My favorite part about this book is it relies so much on facts and historical deep dives (like, where did Mother’s Day come from? And where did the phrase, “your clock is ticking?” originate?). From this, Erin flips the scripts on motherhood. Some of my favorite flipped scripts from the book:
Script: It will be Different with Your Own
Rewrite: It’s Extraordinary Who Can Become Your Own
Script: You’ll Regret Not Having Kids
Rewrite: Kids Are Not an Insurance Policy
Script: Family is the Greatest Legacy
Rewrite: Legacy is So Much More than DNA
This book feels less like a case for people who do not have children and more like an invitation for every woman to embrace their desires and path while honoring the desires and paths of women all over the world.
My favorite part about this book is it relies so much on facts and historical deep dives (like, where did Mother’s Day come from? And where did the phrase, “your clock is ticking?” originate?). From this, Erin flips the scripts on motherhood. Some of my favorite flipped scripts from the book:
Script: It will be Different with Your Own
Rewrite: It’s Extraordinary Who Can Become Your Own
Script: You’ll Regret Not Having Kids
Rewrite: Kids Are Not an Insurance Policy
Script: Family is the Greatest Legacy
Rewrite: Legacy is So Much More than DNA
This book feels less like a case for people who do not have children and more like an invitation for every woman to embrace their desires and path while honoring the desires and paths of women all over the world.
October 24, 2022
Fittingly, I finished this book today while doing something I deeply associate with mothering: baking brownies.
I love the premise of this book, and the way the chapters are broken up by a social script (and a rewrite of the script). I like that the author weaves her own personal narrative as well as some interesting research and first-hand accounts of others’ experiences.
I found the writing to be engaging, though at times it bordered on trying too hard in its cheekiness, which irked me. The religious overtones, which are obviously meaningful to the author who has advanced degrees in theology, felt less relevant to me and distracted from the thesis. It didn’t bother me, per se, it just felt extraneous. But I can appreciate that it’s inextricable to the author and probably resonates with some of her audience.
In all, I appreciated the philosophical wrestling with some of the questions that have been on repeat in my own mind. And most of all I feel grateful to know that I’m not alone in the contemplation of what it means to be a woman who doesn’t neatly fit within a box and its pre-made label.
It feels like a privilege to be having these kinds of discussions openly, while our grandmothers most likely just suffered any of their doubts in silence. Thanks for caring enough to voice them in this thoughtful and thoughtful-provoking way, Erin.
I love the premise of this book, and the way the chapters are broken up by a social script (and a rewrite of the script). I like that the author weaves her own personal narrative as well as some interesting research and first-hand accounts of others’ experiences.
I found the writing to be engaging, though at times it bordered on trying too hard in its cheekiness, which irked me. The religious overtones, which are obviously meaningful to the author who has advanced degrees in theology, felt less relevant to me and distracted from the thesis. It didn’t bother me, per se, it just felt extraneous. But I can appreciate that it’s inextricable to the author and probably resonates with some of her audience.
In all, I appreciated the philosophical wrestling with some of the questions that have been on repeat in my own mind. And most of all I feel grateful to know that I’m not alone in the contemplation of what it means to be a woman who doesn’t neatly fit within a box and its pre-made label.
It feels like a privilege to be having these kinds of discussions openly, while our grandmothers most likely just suffered any of their doubts in silence. Thanks for caring enough to voice them in this thoughtful and thoughtful-provoking way, Erin.
July 29, 2022
I want to give this book a 4 or a 5 because I really appreciate that someone FINALLY wrote this book. I really appreciate the re-written scripts. I would recommend it as a thought-provoking, conversation-starting piece. It points to a number of thought trails that are worth following. I found, however, the switching between real life stories and theory confusing in many places and I often didn‘t see the connection of the author’s lived-experience to the points being made. I was left wanting more clarity and thoroughness. Perhaps there needs to be a follow-up book. Is this a memoir or a theological re-thinking of motherhood? I don‘t know where to place it. I will have to say I found the memoir elements and lived experience more impacting than the theology. But it is a good „springboard“ book into thinking about many topics connected to motherhood, and refreshing that I am not the only one who thinks about these things!
June 14, 2023
i really found this book eye-opening in the ways, even if you do feel a call to motherhood, it dismantles common societal pressures and associations with “mom” as an identity.
though it may not be for everyone, i enjoyed the theological lens through which the book was written. so many of these narratives about motherhood are associated with christianity / christian values, but lane is quick to subvert these narratives and use theology to prove that other forms of love are equally as valued (if not MORE valued) than the common narratives (arguably misconceptions) about motherly love.
the book never condescends those who are mothers or feel a call to motherhood, instead lane created a space for those who are so often undermined by notions that female identity stems from motherhood or marriage.
though it may not be for everyone, i enjoyed the theological lens through which the book was written. so many of these narratives about motherhood are associated with christianity / christian values, but lane is quick to subvert these narratives and use theology to prove that other forms of love are equally as valued (if not MORE valued) than the common narratives (arguably misconceptions) about motherly love.
the book never condescends those who are mothers or feel a call to motherhood, instead lane created a space for those who are so often undermined by notions that female identity stems from motherhood or marriage.
July 26, 2022
I'm more conditioned to enjoy reads that are more data-based than personal experience, but luckily I enjoyed this one. I think it had so many interesting concepts and perspectives, most of that I can relate to.
I'm 10000% sick of hearing people say I will change my mind. I won't.
"Over and over as I pored through the translucent pages of my neon-blue Bible, I noticed Jesus refusing to identify with his traditional family and instead spinning a new vision of family: one in which shared practice, not shared parentage, binds together the people of God. A family that is more made than begotten. A family in which there is no mine or yours. After all, the text said, God can create kinship out of anyone, out of anything, even stones." (kindle location 1740)
I'm 10000% sick of hearing people say I will change my mind. I won't.
"Over and over as I pored through the translucent pages of my neon-blue Bible, I noticed Jesus refusing to identify with his traditional family and instead spinning a new vision of family: one in which shared practice, not shared parentage, binds together the people of God. A family that is more made than begotten. A family in which there is no mine or yours. After all, the text said, God can create kinship out of anyone, out of anything, even stones." (kindle location 1740)
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