My Face in the Light

by Martha Schabas

A GLOBE AND MAIL BEST BOOK OF 2022

LONGLISTED FOR THE 2022 TORONTO BOOK AWARD

"My mother is an artist and I am a liar. Or, if I scratch the surface, my mother is a sick woman and I am an actress . . ."

Justine feels uneasy in her marriage, her theatre career and her relationship with her estranged mother, a famous painter. An intuitive and uncanny mimic, distinguished by a pronounced scar across her forehead (the result of a childhood accident), Justine has made acting the centre of her life since she was a teenager, but lately her outwardly charmed life in Toronto has begun to ring false. After a disastrous audition in London, England, a chance encounter with a stranger leads to an unorthodox business proposition that would allow Justine to abandon the world she knows indefinitely. As the complications and contradictions of leaving a life behind swell to the point of crisis, Justine must confront the collateral damage of a traumatic, long-repressed past.

In psychologically astute prose full of provocative insights, My Face in the Light is a piercing, poignant novel about truth in art and identity. It's the story of a young woman owning up to the lies she's fallen in love with, and figuring out if she can still recognize herself when she finally lets them go.

Genres: Fiction, Canada, Contemporary

312 pages, Hardcover

First published April 12, 2022

About the author

Martha Schabas is the author of two novels: My Face in the Light, just published by Knopf Canada, and Various Positions, named a book of the year by The Globe and Mail, Quill & Quire and NOW Magazine and shortlisted for an Evergreen Fiction Award. Her essays, arts criticism and short fiction have appeared in publications including The Walrus, Hazlitt, The New Quarterly, ELLE Canada and Dance Magazine. She was The Globe and Mail’s dance critic from 2015-2020, where she also wrote about theatre and books. . She holds an M.A. in English Literature from Queen’s University and an M.A. in Creative Writing from the University of East Anglia, where she received the David Higham Award. In 2012, CBC Books named Martha one of the “10 Canadian women writers you need to read now.”

Reviews

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I wanted, desperately, was a flash of objectivity, to encounter my face with the novelty of a stranger’s gaze. And so I started in profile and turned slowly, trying to erase my sense of anticipation. Could I gaze on the scar lightly — could I experience my reflection as a surprise?

I think it’s a fairly common experience for someone approaching thirty to have a major identity crisis; to wonder, “Who am I really and am I living as my most authentic self?” My Face in the Light ramps up those questions with a main character who, as a talented actress weighted down by unique and various forces, begins to wonder if she has ever lived authentically; and when an opportunity arises for her to escape her life, she sets off on a journey of self-discovery. Author Martha Schabas has written a quiet and thoughtful novel here, and as particular as her characters and their situations are, she explores the crisis of identity in a relatable and astute manner. A lovely, thought-provoking read. (Note: I read an ARC through NetGalley and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)

My mother is an artist and I am a liar. Or, if I scratch the surface, my mother is a sick woman and I am an actress. How different is that from saying my mother is a sick woman and I am a liar? My mother will not act and I have given up on art.

Raised by her single mother (a respected if impoverished Toronto-based painter), Justine discovered as a teenager that she had an uncanny talent for stage acting. Despite a disfiguring scar (a “deep, twisting mark that traversed the skin between her temples”; the irreparable reminder of a childhood accident), Justine enjoyed a successful career; and as she approached the tenth anniversary of her early marriage to a handsome, loving, deep-thinking lawyer, anyone on the outside would think that Justine had it all. But just as Justine could very nearly cover the scar on her forehead with bangs and makeup, and just as she could easily slip into the personas of other women — real and fictional — as she approaches thirty, she begins to wonder if anyone has ever seen, let alone loved, the real Justine.

I loved Elias and he loved me desperately. Or, if I scratch the surface, I loved the rule of law and he forgave my misdemeanours. How different is that from saying I longed for exposure and he saw the good in everything? I was a great actress and Elias worshipped a pitiable fraud.

The breaking point seems to be when Elias wants to reopen a conversation about having children someday, and when Justine decides to go to London on her own (for reasons that are ultimately vague even to herself), her meditations on growing up with the impulsive, sexual, unmatronly Rachel as a mother reveal much about what forced her to sublimate her own personality.

In that moment, I could have choked on the fear of my inadequacy — the premonition that my life would consist of half loves and false passions, and that I was doomed to watch people the way I was watching Rachel now: a curious observer of other people’s desires but never quite sure how to plant the seeds of my own.

This is not an action-packed novel, so I don’t want to spoil anything by talking specifics about the plot, but I will say that Schabas imagines a wide range of interesting scenes for her characters to live through, and as I found Justine to be really likeable — hers is not a petulant or immature response to ordinary life; this is an honest search for meaning and identity — I was rooting for her to find her way to meaning at every step. This might be quiet but it’s not silent and I enjoyed the whole thing.

[Maria · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nothing kind of happens in here? I had such high hopes, but oh well.

[Sean · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I opened My Face in the Light, I knew I had come across something special. It almost felt as though I was reading a new genre. There's a beauty to Martha's writing, quite unlike anything I had read before.

It was through Martha's prose, which flowed in a rhythmic structure from start to finish, that I was able to get a strong sense of protagonist Justine Weiss' personality. On the opening pages, we meet Justine in Toronto as she makes a visit to see her estranged mother, Rachel, an artist. Justine hasn't seen Rachel for two years, and doesn't know what she's going to say to her.

Schabas crafts the foundation of her narrative within the first few pages. She sets the locale using vivid descriptors with the power to transport the reader directly to Queen Street. Having lived just a short walk from there a few years back, I felt like I was walking alongside Justine, joining her for a coffee in one of the many third wave coffee shops that line the street.

Moving through the book, I grew attached to Justine. We're both twenty-nine, and we both fled our countries — while she flew to London, I departed the UK for Toronto, leaving my life and relationships behind in search of something I wasn't yet sure of.

Having also worked in the entertainment industry, I had a sense of what she might have been going through. I experienced her on a deep level; her emotions, thoughts, and behaviours. Martha portrays strong emotions accurately and with an exquisite eye for detail.

There's a scene in the book that happens at a nail salon. It could have been so simple, but it’s filled with an incredible amount of depth. A conversation takes place between Justine and her nail technician. Her name is Giulia, and although the interaction is brief, she's an unforgettable character.

“I found myself wondering about what Giulia had said, whether she meant that there was simply no point in regretting what we could no longer change, or whether the idea was more philosophical.”

Schabas moves effortlessly from line to line, page to page, and scene to scene, taking the reader with her. The writing was excellent. I wanted to hang onto each word, savour it.

While My Face in the Light wasn't a thriller or suspense novel, I couldn't peel myself away from it. It gave me the same feeling I get when I read those genres. I took Justine everywhere; to the laundry room, the café, on the Skytrain, and into the bathtub.

To conclude, the book felt like a work of art. The writing in itself, the rawness and depth, that was all I really needed to carry me through. I recommend Martha's book if you're looking for something new, original, and a book that will bring about some rumination and inspire you to start writing.

Shout out to the incredibly talented Kate Sinclair on a beautiful cover design.

Full review at Avocado Diaries

[Vincent S. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m going to need for more of my Goodreads friends to add this book to their reading list, please. Fans of Cusk, Kitamura, Greenwell, you’re going to like this one. There are so many scenes that will forever be imprinted in my mind. The writing is precise, effortless—it’s incisive, but never overbearing. Literary fiction at its best. I loved it so much!

[Virginia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Toronto wasn’t material any more; it was an arrangement of white and orange light. As we flew up away from it, and into the darkening evening, I had a feeling that I often have when traveling, a premonition of the unconquerable distances between things and, with that, the sobering sting of my own smallness.

A very quick read that left me with a number of questions. This is one of the very few times I wished I belonged to a book club so I could discuss some of them. The narrator is Justine Weiss, a 30-ish Toronto actress with emotional and spiritual damage, and an imposing facial scar caused by a freak (and freakishly under-explained) childhood event, compounded by a series of unsuccessful plastic surgeries. There are a few other little mysteries, and story slips back and forth between events in the past and present so the reader has to be constantly aware of where, and when, Justine is. Through most of the book I’d have given it 3 stars, but after contemplating the ending, the whole seems to be much more than the sum of its parts. Yay Canadian authors!

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading MY FACE IN THE LIGHT by Martha Schabas. This novel is about a woman, Justine, who uproots her life in Toronto to move to London alone without her husband. It was interesting to read about Justine’s past, her strained relationship with her single mother and her love for her husband. Of course I loved the Toronto setting and how this is ultimately a story of Justine reconciling with her past and finding herself. I’d definitely be interested to read more from this author!

Thank you to Knopf Canada for my gifted review copy!

[Kim Driscoll · Rating 2 out of 5]

I kept waiting for a genuine conflict, that I understood, in this novel. It took me a while to figure out what was happening.The narrator was self absorbed and frustrating to me. While she had a challenging upbringing, I struggled with the mother-daughter relationship. Her late 20s crisis was painful for me. And so much of the novel was based on quick relationships that became meaningful instantly. I so wanted to like this novel more.

[Moira · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really beautiful book about authenticity and art and trying to create a life that reflects your identity even when you don’t know what that looks like. It is very introspective rather than plot-driven and for once that really worked for me. All of the characters were so well written and Justine was a sad/troubled woman character I really rooted for and related to in some ways. Plus Toronto/London in the late 90s/early 00s yes please!

[Peggy Walt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed speaking with Martha for the fall issue of Shalom magazine, and loved her book!

[meg · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book tells the story of Justine, an actress nearing her thirtieth birthday, She was living in Toronto with her husband, Elias, until she goes to London for an audition which changes the course of her life.

She spends the course of the story reflecting on her past with her estranged mother and her unhappy marriage with her husband.

Though I enjoy self-reflective stories, I had a hard time getting into this one. It was a bit too 'stuck in the past' for my liking. Overall, it was a good book though, the narration is rich and nice to read.

[Christy Stef · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars for this lovely, descriptive novel which depicted challenging relationships between couples, friends, and family so very well. The characters are individual and really interesting and more about who they are than what they do. I also enjoyed the depictions of Toronto and London.

[Anna Karoub · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't initially give this book a review because I wanted to give myself time to think a little more about it. One aspect of this book that absolutely shines is the author's writing style. However, while the internal monologue of the main character was compelling and full of metaphor, it felt like a John Green book where very few people think or speak that way. It was still the part of the book I enjoyed the most and what made me want to finish the book.

In regards to the plot itself, it felt lacking. It felt like there was no actual climax of the story. Maybe it's relateable that the character does nothing that she sets out to do, that she goes out to Europe alone to find herself and then returns to her life and barely tolerable husband but for me it was just disappointing and frustrating.

[Melissa Knightley · Rating 1 out of 5]

not into it.. maybe will circle back post slump

[Doreen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book just wasn’t for me. I appreciate characters capable of self-reflection, but reading a novel about a character’s obsessive introspections is tedious.

Justine, nearing her 30th birthday, is a fairly successful actress living in Toronto with her husband Elias. While in England she sabotages an audition and decides that she is going to give up acting. When a man on a train offers her a business opportunity that would allow her to stay in London, she eventually decides to abandon her life in Toronto though she doesn’t really know what she is looking for. Living in London, she spends time reflecting on growing up with her artist mother and her marriage to Elias while meeting people who are also searching for their place in the world.

Justine is experiencing an identity crisis. She wonders whether she has ever lived authentically. She sees herself as “an outsider dropped into a system that had been desired and put together by someone else. That if I scratched the surface of my life, my nail would pierce a flimsy laminate and poke out the other end.” She thinks, “It seemed equally implausible that I’d ever move through my life with the conviction that I was moving the right way and that my whole self was moving with me, that I wasn’t, unwittingly, leaving crucial bits behind.” Like a character in a novel, “’She keeps thinking she’s just one move away from living in the right place.’” She believes she has been acting, not living: “I’d let acting wriggle its way into my life so insidiously and so completely that parts of my life and parts of my acting had become indistinguishable from each other.” In essence, she feels like a “pitiable fraud.”

She definitely feels that her life has been designed by others: “my whole existence was distracted, that nothing seemed of my own design.” Certainly, it is her mother that steered her into an acting career. Justine even hates that Elias gave her boots he chose for her rather than gifting her ones she had loved. She is so focused on wanting to make decisions for herself that she resents a cosmetics saleswoman using the pronoun we and wants to do something to “force this woman to be herself”! That woman makes a suggestion about a lipstick colour, but though it is flattering, Justine is “unable to let her win” and refuses to buy it. Though we’ve all probably wanted to escape our lives at some point, Justine’s behaviour often comes across as petty and petulant.

Rachel, Justine’s mother, is an artist who has certainly scarred her daughter. To say that she is non-maternal would be an understatement. She is self-centred, impulsive, sexual, needy, and manipulative. Her treatment of her daughter and others in her life is difficult to excuse. Justine’s description of her mother as a “sick woman” is spot-on.

Justine admits that “it seemed to take me more time to process the world and figure out how I felt about it” so the sojourn to London is an attempt to give herself that time, “cracking old habits, clearing out my closet and figuring out what to keep and what to discard.” It does, however, take her an inordinate amount of time to realize that some relationships may seem “all-consuming for a time but [are] ultimately doomed to fail”: something may seem “tragic and insurmountable in the short term” but sometimes “There is nothing to be done” except move on. I kept wanting her to just get over herself and accept that “her suffering was not hers alone but one of many variations on a universal theme.” Justine’s actions at the end suggest that she has decided what is important and what to leave behind.

Normally, I enjoy reading interpretive literature that focuses on journeys of self-discovery, but this one just didn’t appeal. Perhaps the almost-total lack of action, the near-constant self-analysis, and the glacial pace are to blame. Perhaps it’s my stage in life which makes me impatient with such intense self-focus. Justine does indeed need “something acerbic and fresh that would knock [her] out of [her] head.” It is not a bad book, but it had limited appeal to me.

Note: I received a digital galley from the publisher via NetGalley. Quotations may not be exactly as they appear in the final copy.

Please check out my reader's blog (https://schatjesshelves.blogspot.com/) and follow me on Twitter (@DCYakabuski).

[Kun Zhu · Rating 4 out of 5]

a quietly moving narrative about Justine Weiss, a thirtysomething esteemed actress who is weary of the pretence around her career and her marriage. she flees her home in Toronto, Canada to embark on a meaning-searching journey in London, England. in the periphery is her estranged relationship with her mother - an artist of impulsive nature, and the irrevocable scar on her forehead as remnant from a childhood accident.

the novel felt somewhere between a fictional narrative and a compilation of reflective entries. and, as what some critics may say: nothing really happens throughout the book. a lot of what i thought would hold a profound significance in the novel never really ended up having the clear resolution that i had anticipated. initially it did strike me as somewhat disappointing, but upon pondering i realized that this is precisely makes this novel electrifying. it captures so much similarity with how reality actually unfolds: a myriad of small mysteries that we attempt to search the meaning for despite not quite arriving at clarity, always brimming with the the most ordinary epiphanies and the most breathtaking moments among mundanity.

we have been advised against judging a book by its cover but the aura of this book is almost perfectly captured by the pastel watercolour wash of the cover design. the narrative echoed the subtle hopefulness of daylight, underlined with the tranquility that emerges after a chaotic night.

the entire book was filled with breathtaking prose. each scene is embellished with rich details and thus pulses with vividness. you come home to the most intimate thoughts of the protagonist and you experience her internal turmoil and revelations as though they were your own - in all her loves and fears, confusions and clarity, hesitation and impulses, pretence and confessions - and under a certain light her experiences refract into your own. an example: "and in that moment, i could have choked on the fear of my inadequacy -- the premonition that my life would consist of half loves and false passions, and that i was doomed to watch people the way i was watching Rachel now: a curious observer of other people's desires but never quite sure how to plant the seeds of my own."

finally, a character from the novel said: "and i started wondering if that's actually why art is beautiful to me. it makes me recognize some feeling or idea i always suspected existed but can't prove. the art had to prove it for me." and this describes precisely what i felt about Schabas's writing, and why i found this book to be beautiful.

[Ash HC · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hadn't heard of this book before spotting it at the store, which is strange since it is a pretty new release and a Toronto author. But I'm pleased I picked it up because it surpassed my expectations and I enjoyed Schabas's writing quite a lot. It felt authentic but stylish at the same time.
Two mild criticisms: The people Justine meets in London all feel slightly too well positioned to offer her insightful advice from their lived experiences which all seemed slightly too relevant to her experiences, or, in the bartender's case, working as perfect foils to the people in her life with whom (Elias). Secondly, though I enjoyed the novel's structure and the way all the past anecdotes fit together, I did feel there were certain interactions and incidents with Elias which didn't feel like they were every really resolved or addressed. Ie. him trying to invite her mother to their wedding dinner, his kind of weird attitude around her needing to move out when they first met. This wasn't an issue, necessarily, but I was kind of curious where they were going and would have liked to see some resolution.
Despite that, I found this engaging and a little painful at times because there were certain situations and aspects which felt a little too relatable. But yeah, in general another win for CanCon I'd say.

[Shannon Minifie · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Regrets have no purpose [...] You must trust your past self. You must trust her unconditionally, like a younger sister."

This insight comes from a minor character in My Face in the Light, a novel that I devoured in a a couple days' time, and that left me wondering: how many sentences can you underline before you realize more of your book will be marked up than not? I found myself compelled to reread whole sections again and again, in awe of how much complexity and beauty Schabas could pack into a single paragraph—or sometimes even just one sentence.

With echoes of Deborah Levy and Maggie Nelson's The Art of Cruelty, this novel explores those key relationships (spouses, mothers) that seem to both emancipate and suffocate the protagonist's identity, leaving her at turns feeling liberated and trapped.

One of the best novels I've read in the last year, you have to pick this up if you enjoy painfully beautiful and brilliant prose. I can't wait to see what comes next from this author.

[Penn Kemp · Rating 3 out of 5]

"My mother is an artist and I am a liar. Or, if I scratch the surface, my mother is a sick woman and I am an actress . . ." A mimic, without a centre, “a pitiable fraud”? The main character, Justine, sees herself as “an outsider dropped into a system that had been desired and put together by someone else. That if I scratched the surface of my life [that metaphor again, more vividly!], my nail would pierce a flimsy laminate and poke out the other end.” Certain critical insights like Martha Schabas’s
terrific opening line kept me hoping for “something acerbic and fresh that would knock [ Justine] out of [her] head.” The self analysis is drawn out without real awareness. “I’d let acting wriggle its way into my life so insidiously and so completely that parts of my life and parts of my acting had become indistinguishable from each other.”

[Lawrence · Rating 3 out of 5]

This feels like an archetype: a 21st century novel with a drifting young artsy narrator trying to find herself, bumping self-absorbedly through the world. It is not compelling reading, or particularly insightful, but it’s not bad.

What Schabas does that is interesting, is surround her completely unsympathetic, frustrating protagonist with good, nice people. Boyfriend? Supportive and kind and hot. Strange older man who offers her a place in London? Actually just an adrift guy trying to help others. She meets a gentle bartender, a lovely housemate, people just help her out. All the conflict is contained in her own lack of self-examination and insights as she harms others around her.

Full review: http://lawrencedebbs.home.blog/2023/0...

[Barry Hertz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful and poignant, Schabas's writing lingers and haunts, engages and provokes. For readers who want to lose themselves in sharp, piercing writing, My Face in the Light is fresh and invigorating literary fiction. The story of one woman who is outrunning her past at the same time that she is wary of taking a single step toward her future, contains countless insights into truth, identity, commitment and art. But more than plot or character, the novel will leave you wanting to re-read, and then re-read once more, all of Schabas's perfectly constructed prose in a fruitless attempt to uncover just how she wrote so many indelible sentences. My Face in the Light is a book to hold close.

[Haley McGee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book. I devoured it. Gulped it down in two days, which is rare for me because I'm a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race reader. It's gorgeously written. Moving, smart, mysterious and knowing.

I can't wait for more and more books from Martha.

If you love quality, intelligent, nuanced, lyrical, insightful writing about women grappling with how to live the rest of their adult years, you will love this book.

[Fiona Kenyon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deft and understated exploration of a young woman’s effort to understand and define herself independent of her most influential relationships. Thoughtful descriptions of the artistic mind and process from multiple perspectives. Ranks with Levy and Cusk in its investigation of the modern female experience.

[Katrina W · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible writing and an easy read from start to finish. There were so many bits of “wisdom” throughout the book that I had an appreciation for. I think introspective readers would enjoy this book.

[rita ✴︎ · Rating 2 out of 5]

bruh what just lock in ur husband loves u ....???? I guess very late coming of age and reconciling with self and your past but she doesn't do very much of the latter either ... and what she does makes very little sense to me

[Emma B · Rating 5 out of 5]

The writing in this book is exquisite; I tore through it in less than 48 hours.

Would recommend.

[Brenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5⭐️

[Chrissy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Intricate telling of mothers and daughters, and artistic expression. I really enjoyed this beautifully written novel.

[Lynnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting story about losing and searching and finding oneself.

[Ashley Botting · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gorgeous gorgeous novel. I was completely wrapped in this beautiful and introspective narrative. Some sentences will stay with me forever!

[Olívia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t mind that nothing happened, I just wish this book ultimately had something to say