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Kissing the Hag: The Dark Goddess and the Unacceptable Nature of Women
Kissing the Hag is a wonderfully intelligent, earthy, cosmic diary of the feminine life... this life-soaked book remains close to the fluids of body and soul... It's an obvious gift-book for women going through a life passage, but it could also be important for men, who are closer to the mysteries presented here than they might wish to be. Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul.
240 pages, Paperback
First published October 31, 2008
44 people are currently reading
797 people want to read
About the author
Emma Restall Orr
19 books69 followers[from Wikipedia] -- Emma Restall Orr is a British neo-druid, animist, priest, poet and author. She worked for the Order of Bards Ovates and Druids in the early 1990s, becoming an Ovate tutor. In 1993 she became joint chief of the British Druid Order (BDO) staying until 2002. Together with the Order founder Philip Shallcrass, she developed the BDO into one of the largest and most influential of its time. Feeling the system of Orders too limiting, in 2002 she created The Druid Network, which was officially launched at Imbolc 2003.
Since the late 1990s she has organized the largest annual gatherings of Druids and those interested in Druidry, first at The Awen Camp with Philip Shallcrass, then since 2001 The Druid Camp with Mark Graham. In 2004 she founded Honouring the Ancient Dead. Since 2004, she has been involved with PEBBLE (The Public Bodies Liaison Committee for British Paganisms) encouraging positive and productive interaction between modern British Pagan groups and British government departments, and other institutions.
Over the course of her life in Druidry she has been on numerous television and radio programmes in Britain and around the world, featured and quoted in the print media and on the internet.
She is daughter of Robin Restall, renowned ornithologist, writer and artist. Her brother is Matthew Restall, history professor and writer.
Since the late 1990s she has organized the largest annual gatherings of Druids and those interested in Druidry, first at The Awen Camp with Philip Shallcrass, then since 2001 The Druid Camp with Mark Graham. In 2004 she founded Honouring the Ancient Dead. Since 2004, she has been involved with PEBBLE (The Public Bodies Liaison Committee for British Paganisms) encouraging positive and productive interaction between modern British Pagan groups and British government departments, and other institutions.
Over the course of her life in Druidry she has been on numerous television and radio programmes in Britain and around the world, featured and quoted in the print media and on the internet.
She is daughter of Robin Restall, renowned ornithologist, writer and artist. Her brother is Matthew Restall, history professor and writer.
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
June 11, 2017
I loved the beginning of this book. It started off strong, and many points were resonating with me. I happily highlighted passages in my Kindle app, and was excited to have picked a winner.
Sadly, my interest waned and fizzled, and turned to dislike. What began as a pleasant journey ended in irritation.
Two and a half stars because of a smashing start.
Author has a very traditional view of gender roles (men are this way, woman are that way, yadda yadda) that increasingly bugged me, and came out more and more throughout the second half of the book.
She also makes subtly negative jabs at feminism, which, in a book like this was unexpected and disheartening. At several points she dismisses the toxic effects of global patriarchy as though it has ended in the developed world. "I do not deny that many millions of women around the world, and a small proportion within our own culture, are still suppressed by men's dread of their wild nature."
A small proportion? Let's go ahead and ignore statistics showing that women earn less income, have limited access to healthcare and birth control, are not equally represented in politics, and are raped, physically abused, and murdered over domestic issues at higher rates, and these problems are global.
Again, this is confusing, as earlier on she writes about being gang raped and raped multiple times. She also includes a snippet about a relationship where she was routinely beaten. It isn't a problem anymore for most women, so just ignore the beatings and rapes. Kayyyyyy.
More than once the author writes about the dangers of essentially looking beautiful, putting yourself out there, and being available, cause, you know, you dress a certain way and have to expect that men will rape you. The implication is that wild behavior invites rape and beatings. Too bad, but that's nature! Uggggggggg.
I can respect the notion that empowerment comes from within, however, denying that toxic masculinity plays a part in global culture, and that the work all rests on female shoulders to fix the imbalance is simply a let down in a book like this.
All feminist issues aside, the book got repetitive pretty quickly. The first few added sexual experiences seemed relevant, but after a while became pointless to me. The most cringe worthy of the bunch being the one where she has relations with *gasp* a black man!!! What will the neighbors think??? The language used was troublesome in that racism lite kind of way, where you know if confronted she would claim she couldn't possibly be racist because she had a black lover once...
Anyway. If you are involved with intersectional feminism skip this one. If you don't believe feminist issues are important, and tend to not notice microaggresions and racist undertones, this may be a better choice for you. It did have great parts in it, but far too many problems for me to recommend it to anybody else.
Sadly, my interest waned and fizzled, and turned to dislike. What began as a pleasant journey ended in irritation.
Two and a half stars because of a smashing start.
Author has a very traditional view of gender roles (men are this way, woman are that way, yadda yadda) that increasingly bugged me, and came out more and more throughout the second half of the book.
She also makes subtly negative jabs at feminism, which, in a book like this was unexpected and disheartening. At several points she dismisses the toxic effects of global patriarchy as though it has ended in the developed world. "I do not deny that many millions of women around the world, and a small proportion within our own culture, are still suppressed by men's dread of their wild nature."
A small proportion? Let's go ahead and ignore statistics showing that women earn less income, have limited access to healthcare and birth control, are not equally represented in politics, and are raped, physically abused, and murdered over domestic issues at higher rates, and these problems are global.
Again, this is confusing, as earlier on she writes about being gang raped and raped multiple times. She also includes a snippet about a relationship where she was routinely beaten. It isn't a problem anymore for most women, so just ignore the beatings and rapes. Kayyyyyy.
More than once the author writes about the dangers of essentially looking beautiful, putting yourself out there, and being available, cause, you know, you dress a certain way and have to expect that men will rape you. The implication is that wild behavior invites rape and beatings. Too bad, but that's nature! Uggggggggg.
I can respect the notion that empowerment comes from within, however, denying that toxic masculinity plays a part in global culture, and that the work all rests on female shoulders to fix the imbalance is simply a let down in a book like this.
All feminist issues aside, the book got repetitive pretty quickly. The first few added sexual experiences seemed relevant, but after a while became pointless to me. The most cringe worthy of the bunch being the one where she has relations with *gasp* a black man!!! What will the neighbors think??? The language used was troublesome in that racism lite kind of way, where you know if confronted she would claim she couldn't possibly be racist because she had a black lover once...
Anyway. If you are involved with intersectional feminism skip this one. If you don't believe feminist issues are important, and tend to not notice microaggresions and racist undertones, this may be a better choice for you. It did have great parts in it, but far too many problems for me to recommend it to anybody else.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 20, 2013
If ever there was a book that has personally spoken to me then this is it, as through it I feel I have rediscovered myself. This book is a beautifully written account of what it truly means to be a woman especially from a Pagan perspective. It teaches us not only to understand, but to embrace the darker aspects of a woman's nature rather than suppress it.
In this modern and conventional world it is so easy to lose touch with one's Wild and beautiful nature and conform to what society dictates that a women 'should' be. This book resonates best with women who are already on a path of personal discovery rather than a newcomer taking their first tentative steps. But whilst aimed primarily at women, open minded men who are brave enough to read it would certainly find benefits from reading the book and may even better understand the complex nature of women, well pagan women anyway.
In this modern and conventional world it is so easy to lose touch with one's Wild and beautiful nature and conform to what society dictates that a women 'should' be. This book resonates best with women who are already on a path of personal discovery rather than a newcomer taking their first tentative steps. But whilst aimed primarily at women, open minded men who are brave enough to read it would certainly find benefits from reading the book and may even better understand the complex nature of women, well pagan women anyway.
July 23, 2012
I tried to keep reading then remembered that life is too short. The book did not speak to me, felt repetitive. I friend I respect recommended it, so I'm sure others will enjoy.
June 28, 2018
I was drawn to a discussion on another social networking site and a list of books recommended by one of the members. This book leapt out at me and after enjoying “Eating in the Light of the Moon”, I decided to order it. As it turns out, for me this was the perfect follow-up.
While this isn’t an “easy” read (it can trigger a lot of emotion), I was able to devour this book in two sittings. The author blends storytelling and retellings of life-altering events, enabling you to view issues from sides you may not have otherwise considered.
The reason it’s not “easy” is that it forces you to venture beyond your comfort zone and give some thought to how you view yourself, as well as other women.
While this isn’t an “easy” read (it can trigger a lot of emotion), I was able to devour this book in two sittings. The author blends storytelling and retellings of life-altering events, enabling you to view issues from sides you may not have otherwise considered.
The reason it’s not “easy” is that it forces you to venture beyond your comfort zone and give some thought to how you view yourself, as well as other women.
April 9, 2009
This is another wonderful book by Emma Restell Orr. Her beautiful prose lulls you into a false sense of security and then she makes you think about subjects you were intending to consider until you have formed your own viewpoint.
February 23, 2011
Starting with a well-told retelling of the Arthurian tale “The Marriage of Gawain,” Orr explores seven goddesses (I keep thinking of them as archetypes): the virgin, the whore, the mother, the bitch, the witch, the old bag, and the hag. The book is written for a female audience, but the author welcomes male readers in the hopes that the book will help them understand the women they know a little better, and because under these various goddesses there’s a “current” that is common to human nature and nature as a whole. Orr maintains that any of these archetypes may be uncomfortable for a girl or woman to express, so that she ends up trying to suppress it, at the cost of censoring her true nature.
I almost gave up on this book at first, mostly because it didn’t sink in how she had structured it. She says at the beginning that although she quotes from many women, she relates each anecdote in the first person. I read that, forgot it, and read a good chunk of the book wondering how the narrator could have had so many contradictory experiences in her life. With that straightened out, though, it stopped distracting me, and the book instantly became more interesting to me. Some day I may have to reread it, remembering this from the start, and see if I think about those early chapters in a different way.
While I’m pretty sure I would’ve found this book to be a worthy read years ago, I don’t think I would’ve gotten nearly as much out of it then. I’m sure I wouldn’t have understood Orr’s takes on the witch, the old bag, or the hag when I was in my twenties, for instance. Overall, I would recommend it for women (or men) who’ve already done some self-exploration and/or who’ve had enough life experience by now to have some perspective on their lives.
I almost gave up on this book at first, mostly because it didn’t sink in how she had structured it. She says at the beginning that although she quotes from many women, she relates each anecdote in the first person. I read that, forgot it, and read a good chunk of the book wondering how the narrator could have had so many contradictory experiences in her life. With that straightened out, though, it stopped distracting me, and the book instantly became more interesting to me. Some day I may have to reread it, remembering this from the start, and see if I think about those early chapters in a different way.
While I’m pretty sure I would’ve found this book to be a worthy read years ago, I don’t think I would’ve gotten nearly as much out of it then. I’m sure I wouldn’t have understood Orr’s takes on the witch, the old bag, or the hag when I was in my twenties, for instance. Overall, I would recommend it for women (or men) who’ve already done some self-exploration and/or who’ve had enough life experience by now to have some perspective on their lives.
October 15, 2020
If you want to meet the shadow archetypes of the feminine, then consider Kissing the Hag your guide into the wild and the dark. Emma Restall Orr is from the druidic tradition, and so approaches life and the sacred from an animist perspective. She introduces to us the concept of the "nemeton" as women's inner cauldron of self which operate as both "sanctuary and the source of woman's true creativity". Each of the chapters which follow that focus on the various faces of the hag - the virgin, the whore, the mother, the bitch, the witch, the old bag and the hag - takes the nemeton as its point of focus. For example, the virgin - the one unto herself - with the nemeton whole, complete and also unto itself.
The descriptive prose that analyses each archetype in turn gives way to beautifully written fictive illustrations of the archetype in question. The points where the archetype breaks through and the human woman, in al her glory, speaks up and steps out to meet us.
I feel its an incredibly important text, because if we can turn to face our own unacceptable nature, to shine a light on these shadow places, then we get to expand into a greater experience of self acceptance - the kind that opens up vast reservoirs of empathy and care for our fellow human beings.
The descriptive prose that analyses each archetype in turn gives way to beautifully written fictive illustrations of the archetype in question. The points where the archetype breaks through and the human woman, in al her glory, speaks up and steps out to meet us.
I feel its an incredibly important text, because if we can turn to face our own unacceptable nature, to shine a light on these shadow places, then we get to expand into a greater experience of self acceptance - the kind that opens up vast reservoirs of empathy and care for our fellow human beings.
February 2, 2017
"With great insight into the debilitating nature of women’s shadow side, and new visions of empowerment for the respect, integration, and sacred honoring women can achieve, the chapters in Kissing the Hag illuminate women’s experience and stages of life completely. The Wild and Dark; The Blood; The Virgin; The Whore; The Mother; The Bitch; The Witch; The Old Bag and The Hag celebrate the dark goddess within every woman’s soul. This book can inform us how to live more wholly, and to weave the dark with the light - not exactly to find perfect balance, but to live with the liberation of honesty. Orr teaches us to access the richness of our potential, to express our soul’s creativity with laughter and pride, and to surrender ourselves to the wildness of lust, love and joy. We can live without inhibition yet with full responsibility, getting what every woman desires and what the newly-wedded Hag in the Arthurian mythos desires most – Her Own Way……."
Excerpt from the review by Pegi Eyers originally published in SageWoman Magazine, 2010
Excerpt from the review by Pegi Eyers originally published in SageWoman Magazine, 2010
October 26, 2015
I've taken this quote from the beginning of 'Kissing the Hag' - it gives a flavour of the book, in terms of both the writing style and the content. It's a very readable book, in which some quite difficult subject matter is handle in prtty accessible ways.
The story of Gawain and the Loathly Lady runs through this book - a mythic counterpoint to talking about issues of modern femininity and gender relations. I've talked about that aspect of the book in more detail in another blog post - http://nimueb.booklikes.com/post/1274...
The story of Gawain and the Loathly Lady runs through this book - a mythic counterpoint to talking about issues of modern femininity and gender relations. I've talked about that aspect of the book in more detail in another blog post - http://nimueb.booklikes.com/post/1274...
April 5, 2014
Some powerful gems of wisdom. I think I will be coming back to this book from time to time- glad I have a copy of it.
July 8, 2020
Give it a read if you've been restricting yourself and want to get in touch with your raw feminine self but if you're looking for new answers, I think this book is more about reassurance than revelations.
Why 2 stars? To be fair, I did skip some parts of this book simply because the writing style bored me. The author likes to use alot of descriptive lists that get very repetitive e.g. NOT a direct quote: 'we as women are muddy, creative, emotional, strongwilled and yet so vulnerable so happy to let ourselves hide behind makeup, pretend we feel less than we do, take on the performance of a man whilst trying to uphold the classical view of a woman'.
Nothing wrong in this, it just got boring for me as I felt like saying 'yeah ok I get the point'. However most of my opinion is probably coloured by the fact that I am already aware of most of what the author tells about in Kissing The Hag and therefore reading this was not a revelation to me as I learned nothing I didnt already know.
Why 2 stars? To be fair, I did skip some parts of this book simply because the writing style bored me. The author likes to use alot of descriptive lists that get very repetitive e.g. NOT a direct quote: 'we as women are muddy, creative, emotional, strongwilled and yet so vulnerable so happy to let ourselves hide behind makeup, pretend we feel less than we do, take on the performance of a man whilst trying to uphold the classical view of a woman'.
Nothing wrong in this, it just got boring for me as I felt like saying 'yeah ok I get the point'. However most of my opinion is probably coloured by the fact that I am already aware of most of what the author tells about in Kissing The Hag and therefore reading this was not a revelation to me as I learned nothing I didnt already know.
August 16, 2020
3.5 * I bought this book 10 years ago in my 30s and just picked up to read now in my later 40s, far more hag-like. I loved the premise, then and now and the way she has structured her ideas. There were parts that felt bit farfetched or inaccurate and some that just don't age so well, but it's a great topic for a book and a great beginning discussion. The last two chapters I thought were meaty and enjoyable. I think I had hoped to take more away from it in terms of how to embrace those elements better, but I didn't feel that came through as I would have liked. But filled with interesting ideas.
October 26, 2021
One of the best books on goddess archetypes I've read, along with Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Jean Shinoda Bolen, Jennifer and Roger Woolger -- add to your library!
August 10, 2025
Loved this book so much. Will return to it time and time again.
October 17, 2025
More like 3.5. There were several parts I did resonate with, but other areas where I just couldn’t relate. Over all I felt it was a decent take.
October 1, 2022
"The Unacceptable Nature of Women." That's the part of this title that made me want to read Kissing the Hag. Because heck yeah, modern western society has a lot to say about the unacceptable nature of women. And what it says affects not just women but also men, nonbinary adults, children... it affects the weave of our whole culture.
Kissing the Hag is an exploration of the many facets of that unacceptable nature: the virgin, the whore, the hag, and more. How any aspect of femininity that doesn't fit in with society's expectations is vilified, demonized. How that damages us all.
The book is written from a predominantly cis/het point of view, and I am neither, but I still got a lot out of it. And though the author often addresses comments to an apparently female reader, I think this is an issue that touches people of all genders. Because we're all doing our best to navigate a complex set of expectations based on who others think we are or think we ought to be. And those expectations limit everyone's ability to be authentic and whole.
Kissing the Hag is not the kind of "angry feminist" book that was so common a few decades ago, and I'm thankful for that. Although there's still plenty to be angry about in the Big World, this book is a more nuanced exploration of what it might be like if women and other female-presenting people were not only allowed but encouraged to express their true selves, free from the restrictions of a society that requires us to be sexual, but only in certain amounts and manners; attractive, but only in certain ways and situations; exactly the right amount of submissive, not too much or too little... the impossible razor's edge of standards.
The author ties the book together with an Arthurian tale, which adds a nice flavor to the text. But what I liked most was the in-depth look at each of the "forbidden female" archetypes. They allowed me to feel my way to the edges of my being and explore a lot of possibilities. That's a valuable journey for most anyone.
Kissing the Hag is an exploration of the many facets of that unacceptable nature: the virgin, the whore, the hag, and more. How any aspect of femininity that doesn't fit in with society's expectations is vilified, demonized. How that damages us all.
The book is written from a predominantly cis/het point of view, and I am neither, but I still got a lot out of it. And though the author often addresses comments to an apparently female reader, I think this is an issue that touches people of all genders. Because we're all doing our best to navigate a complex set of expectations based on who others think we are or think we ought to be. And those expectations limit everyone's ability to be authentic and whole.
Kissing the Hag is not the kind of "angry feminist" book that was so common a few decades ago, and I'm thankful for that. Although there's still plenty to be angry about in the Big World, this book is a more nuanced exploration of what it might be like if women and other female-presenting people were not only allowed but encouraged to express their true selves, free from the restrictions of a society that requires us to be sexual, but only in certain amounts and manners; attractive, but only in certain ways and situations; exactly the right amount of submissive, not too much or too little... the impossible razor's edge of standards.
The author ties the book together with an Arthurian tale, which adds a nice flavor to the text. But what I liked most was the in-depth look at each of the "forbidden female" archetypes. They allowed me to feel my way to the edges of my being and explore a lot of possibilities. That's a valuable journey for most anyone.
April 26, 2014
"Kissing the Hag" is a book for every woman, from every walk of life, of every age. While Emma Restall-Orr comes from an animist Druid background, I find that this book is relevant for all women, regardless of their background, and throughout, the book is peppered by personal accounts from many different women. I'd even recommend it to male readers to gain some insight into the wild woman (and I'd love to find a similar book from a male perspective).
The author goes through the facets of the Hag, the dark goddess energies - the Virgin, the Whore, the Mother, the Bitch, the Witch, and the Old Bag. As women, we go through all of these facets, maybe multiple times during our lives, though some are more relevant at certain ages than others. These energies can be overpowering and overwhelming, or they can be a source of strength and inspiration. They can drown you or they can lift you. Learning how to ride them, spin them, use them in a healthy way can be empowering, but for many women they instead bring destruction and misery as they try to suppress or ignore the crashing tides of Hag energy.
This book is unapologetic in its portrayal of these different facets of the Hag, and encourages the reader to be the same. This book found me at the right time, and discovering that I am not alone in trying to manage some of the old baggage I'm towing around has been a relief, comforting, and invigorating, and it has inspired me to start learning from my inner wild woman instead of trying to cage her and subdue her.
This is not a "how-to" book; it's not going to tell you explicitly how to draw upon your inner Bitch, Mother or Whore, but through the stories of the author and the other women who contributed to the book, I think you're well on your way to discovering how you can find your own way, back to the Wild.
The author goes through the facets of the Hag, the dark goddess energies - the Virgin, the Whore, the Mother, the Bitch, the Witch, and the Old Bag. As women, we go through all of these facets, maybe multiple times during our lives, though some are more relevant at certain ages than others. These energies can be overpowering and overwhelming, or they can be a source of strength and inspiration. They can drown you or they can lift you. Learning how to ride them, spin them, use them in a healthy way can be empowering, but for many women they instead bring destruction and misery as they try to suppress or ignore the crashing tides of Hag energy.
This book is unapologetic in its portrayal of these different facets of the Hag, and encourages the reader to be the same. This book found me at the right time, and discovering that I am not alone in trying to manage some of the old baggage I'm towing around has been a relief, comforting, and invigorating, and it has inspired me to start learning from my inner wild woman instead of trying to cage her and subdue her.
This is not a "how-to" book; it's not going to tell you explicitly how to draw upon your inner Bitch, Mother or Whore, but through the stories of the author and the other women who contributed to the book, I think you're well on your way to discovering how you can find your own way, back to the Wild.
April 28, 2016
Kissing the Hag: The Dark Goddess and the Unacceptable Nature of Women is the perfect book to indulge reading right before bed. In weaving a tapestry of different themes and identities of womanhood, Emma Restall Orr succeeds in creating an easy and accessible book for all ages of women. It may not be quite as accessible for women who believe that characteristics of womanhood are simply patriarchical constructs; women of colour and trans-women (for their personal unique experiences of womanhood) may also be found wanting more. I, personally, was not as engaged by Restall Orr's personal memories as I was by her meditations on concepts of womanhood.
August 8, 2011
Very good but it peters out a little at the end and, although the author really gets to the heart of the dark side of the feminine, there's a few little faux pas throughrout that bring the rating down (such as referring to Down Syndrome by the archaic mongolism.) Despite its flaws, it's worth a read and you'll almost certainly find something that speaks to you here.
July 30, 2012
What an excellent book; I'd had it down as to read for a long time and thought that I would actually get to read it and now that I have I wish I'd read it sooner. The whole thing was certainly written by a lady who knows her subject with a passion (and not just because she happens to be female) that shines through the whole thing...even when that thing is mud, blood, snips and snails.
February 14, 2009
A thoughtful, challenging, inspiring book exploring the unnaceptable aspects of femininity, and how to live with them! This is now my Favourite ERO book, I expect will be re reading it. It's not just for women, blokes may find this really helpful too.
December 10, 2014
What DOES a woman want? I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.
No, seriously, a good pick for a different perspective on the various phases of a woman's life, including aging, which I am personally finding very helpful.
No, seriously, a good pick for a different perspective on the various phases of a woman's life, including aging, which I am personally finding very helpful.
April 14, 2015
A book that gives some deep insight into the minds and motivations of women.
After reading Kissing The Hag, I have come to a better understanding of myself.
This is a book every woman, and the men who love them, should read.
After reading Kissing The Hag, I have come to a better understanding of myself.
This is a book every woman, and the men who love them, should read.
October 2, 2012
I acquired this book for 10p in a crazy special offer Emma ran this summer. The book was a delight to read. It gave an accessible broad overview to starting druidry from a woman's perspective.
November 11, 2015
THE absolute best in women's spirituality.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews