Senior Management: Parenting My Parents

by Martha Vowles

At age fifty-five, the author became a first-time parent. Her new charges were reckless, accident-prone, pig-headed, over 80 years old and bigger than her.

In a memoir told with grace, poignancy, and humour, the author chronicles her years of managing the care of her elderly parents as together they slipped into dementia - from a chaotic Christmas, to an addled father who insists on driving, to calls to the police, to trips to the hospital, to a high-priced care facility that lost rack of her stepmother.

Genres: Memoir

215 pages, Paperback

Published April 1, 2021

Reviews

[Anne O'Connell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed out loud and cried...in empathy for the author's experience. I am currently caring for my elderly mom so am reading everything I can get my hands on to help me navigate this choppy, yet rewarding, phase of my life. Being a care partner is a challenge and hearing of others' successes and missteps is encouraging and reassuring. Senior Management is a beautiful mash-up of funny scenes, slap your forehead moments (i.e. I sure won't do that...or I really must do that) and sad, hard to read realities of end of life scenarios. When the tables turn and roles are reversed, there's no Dr. Spock for the child who has become the parent, but this will give you some great insight. Even if you're not a care giver, this is a great read for anyone wanting a good 'family drama' laced with messy-life, dry humour.

[Cecilia Flanagan-Snow · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the very first sentence I was captivated by this book. Like the author Martha Vowles, I experienced dealing with aging parents whose physical and mental needs exceeded my capacity to cope. Martha’s tenacity in fighting for appropriate care for her aging parents who were also dealing with dementia is a cautionary tale for everyone.

Whether you have aging parents, or are going to become aging parents, this book is a must-read for preparing to cope with the future - from both sides of the coin. I highly recommend everyone read this book!

[Jane Doucet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raw, honest, heart-wrenching and even (occasionally) funny.

[Terri (BooklyMatters) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A clear-eyed look at the tragedy of aging with dementia, and the enormous burden placed on those left behind. In this detailed and chilling memoir, the author, a hospital speech pathologist in her fifties, must cope with the rapid cognitive decline of not only her father, as he approaches his nineties, but his wife, Joan, the author’s step-mother, who is clearly also similarly challenged. To make matters more complex, while the couple occupy a rural log cabin, built by hand and cherished for more than fifty years, outside the city of Montreal, Quebec, the author lives a thousand kilometers away, in the Eastern Canadian province of New Brunswick.

With poignancy (and a touch of dry humor) the author outlines the terrifying emotional aspects of dementia she must face as those closest to her are replaced with strangers - stubborn, unpredictable, querulous, and most heartbreaking of all, harboring unreachable eyes largely rendered vacant.

With what feels to the reader like horrifying speed, the familiar quirks and personalities of what once defined a confident and independent couple become ringed with memory loss and confusion, culminating in spectacular losses of judgement that ultimately dictate the necessity for round-the-clock care.

Desperate to stay in their own home, it will take a superhuman effort by the author to manage the logistics to sport this. With no siblings, and tasked with primary responsibility for the personal and financial care of her parents, the author faces a multitude of obstacles as she puts in place the team of caretakers it will require to ensure the safety and medical oversight required. Calling on support from on-site helpers including family, neighbors, nurses, and personal support workers, as well as outside agency, hospital and emergency services, it becomes clear that the tremendous level of compassionate advocacy exhibited by the author is the single-most fundamental anchor point of their care - without which one or both would most certainly have faced a healthcare disaster.

An eye-opening read for those who care for, or care about, those aging in our midst (and particularly those facing dementia) and what it may take to provide for their safe journey, this thoughtful, well-written book, laced with humor, insight and candor is highly recommended.

A great big thank you to the publisher Nevermore press, for an ARC of this book. All thoughts presented are my own.

——

[Michelle Irwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Martha Vowles shares an intimate look into the world of elder care in Canada. As she navigates various programs, services and facilities designed to support our aging family members Martha uncovers that seniors aren’t receiving adequate care and sheds light on what can only be described as a systematic failure.

Martha takes the reader by the hand and jumps on the roller coaster journey of being a care giver to aging parents who are living with dementia. Martha is patient even when it is beyond challenging, loving and kind to her parents every frustrating step of the way, and above all supportive and determined to see to it that they are properly cared for from a province away. Martha tells this tale with a full dish of grace and a side of humour.

This is a must read for anyone who works in senior care, has a person they love who is entering the aging years or has been though a similar experience with a loved one. I couldn’t put this book down - it spoke straight to my heart after losing my grandmother recently and understanding all too well what Martha writes about.

[Debbie Holtby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I too grew up in the same community as Martha and often enjoyed the company of Martha’s parents. They were good to me, having delivered furniture and taking me apple picking while at university in Fredericton, enroute to visiting their daughter Martha.
Loved reading this book as I am familiar with both the area and its people. I lost my Dad at Christmas and am now travelling back and forth (only 6 hrs however) in an effort to care for my Mom who is beginning to suffer lapses in her memory.
Martha’s experiences resonate with me. She keeps her sense of humour, in an extremely challenging time in her life. Her experiences are vivid and heart wrenching. Thanks for sharing the intimate details, Martha. You are a shining star and an leading example to others who are in similar situations. Regretfully I not an avid reader, but I couldn’t put “Senior Management” down! Congratulations on all your successes, both on paper and in life!

[DebCarr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Martha Vowles’ memoir on navigating the angst, fear and frustration of helping her parents age with dignity is both a reality check for seniors and their families, and an indictment of the broken systems in place for caring for the elderly. Martha’s strong confident, character, along with her organizational skills and background in Canadian healthcare gave her a decided edge navigating the services that sometimes fail to protect the vulnerable in their care.

Told with remarkable humour, grace and precision, she lays bare the difficulties faced by children today as they watch dementia gradually steal the vitality and vibrancy from beloved parents, forcing them to become both their caregivers and advocates—and often, as in Martha’s case, from afar. She does not scrimp on detail or gloss over her own conflicted feelings of love, anger and frustration. Those of us still to traverse this rocky journey are given the warning signs and the pitfalls to watch for, but most importantly, Martha also points out that angels and small blessings can always be found even along the most rugged and lonely roads. An excellent and enlightening read.

[Sarah Butland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not your typical memoir, this book offers insight into caring for parents while in a different province under somewhat ideal circumstances. With a compassionate employer, a community that is willing to step in at a moments notice and elder dogs who don't mind long road trips, Senior Management is never ideal. Martha is a blessing in her patience, retelling of her harrowing tales, and helps ensure each reader going through something similar no longer feels so alone.

With humour, and a sweet, sweet man by her side, Martha battles the system she clearly finds faults in while they see her father and step mother as human beings deserving respect until the very end. The flaws of some nursing homes, the medical system at large and the inaccuracy of testing for Alzheimer's is balanced with the heroic moments of some nursing home staff, some medical systems and proof that the village it takes to raise a family can be there to bury them, too.

This story is of humanity, splashed with humour that may make the reader weep and definitely want to give the writer a hug.

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written poignant memoir of the author’s experience over an approximately ten year stretch caring for her father and stepmother as they gradually lost the battle with advancing dementia and battled other health issues. She gives an excellent description of their personalities as they were in their prime, as well as documenting the sad story of their gradual decline. However, there is humor as well in the description of the frequent battle of wills with two feisty and fiercely independent seniors who have trouble comprehending what is happening to them.
Great read. Often had you eager to turn the next page to see what else could possibly happen.

[Colleen Landry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed Senior Management and I highly recommend it. Martha's writing is eloquent, descriptive and at times funny. The writing is rich and engaging--I was drawn to Martha's family and her plight from the beginning and I had a hard time putting it down. It is written with equal parts passion and honesty, pulling back the curtain on the harsh reality of caring for loved ones with dementia. It had all the feels. A fantastic read!

[Stella Maclean · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so honest, so compelling in its approach to how it really feels to be looking after aging parents in today's world of families who must balance work life, distance to their parents, their parents needs, the healthcare system and their own personal needs. Vowles gives voice to the 'sandwich generation' in a very articulate, beautiful way.

[M.A. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource!

[Kathlyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir was so familiar it felt like our story. Witnessing the decline of one’s parents is like paddling a canoe… some days the breeze is with you, some days against.

[Allan Hudson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vowles shares the difficulties and heartbreak at times of caring for elderly parents and how she managed with her own. This is told with a touch of humour and is extremely well written. It is easy to see why it is an award winning book. Well done Martha Vowles.