Real Choices: Listening to Women; Looking for Alternatives to Abortion

by F Mathewes-Green

Today, pro-life supporters across the country are realizing that it is time to move past the polarization of "women's rights" versus "unborn children's rights" to find practical solutions for both mother and baby. The book Real Choices gives an inside look at the reasons women make the tragic decision for abortion-as described by women who themselves chose abortion. The book goes on to explore how pro-life supporters can help both mother and child by ministering to women in their need with . . . Real choices.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction

211 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1994

Reviews

[Erika RS · Rating 3 out of 5]

Real Choices is an exercise in finding common ground, and for the reader, it can sometimes be an exercise in meeting that effort half way, even when the author states frustratingly biased ideas as if they were clear cut facts. (This is especially frustrating when it comes to her views of how traditional families are the only kind that are any good.) It's worth working past that frustration.

Mathewes-Green weaves two threads: she discusses ways to address some of the issues that influence women to get abortions, and she shares personal stories from interviews with post-abortion listening groups. She is a pro-life advocate who cares just as much about helping women as helping the unborn -- a view that is often frustratingly missing from pro-life perspectives. She wants to solve the abortion problem by finding solutions for the reasons people get abortions, but this first required figuring out what those reasons were.

The most valuable part of this book are the stories she shares from the women in the listening groups she gathered. These women's stories are raw and real and insightful and heartbreaking. But those same stories bring us to the major issue I had with this book: these stories are not representative, and the author never seemed to realize it.

Mathewes-Green relied on three sources to understand why women get abortions: previous surveys that had asked abortion patients to select the reasons they got an abortion from a precompiled list; expanded versions of the same survey which she sent to pregnancy centers asking them to evaluate their clientele; and post-abortion listening groups sourced from post-abortion grief counselors.

The third source provides the deepest insights, but it also the least representative. This should have been clear to the author, but it apparently wasn't. Near the beginning of the book, Mathewes-Green stated that "[t]he disparity between reasons cited by pregnancy care centers and those cited by abortive women is curious." It's not curious. It's obvious. Women who felt they needed grief counseling because of their abortion are a biased sample. We cannot generalize, as the author does, from the experience of these women to the experience of all women having an abortion.

This is important, because these women consistently brought up two issues that are important, but which would be foolish to overgeneralize: they all regretted their abortions, and nearly all of them were coerced (often forced) into having an abortion. Their stories are important because the fact that there are women being coerced into having an abortion because someone else decides that it is the best choice is tragic, but we also should not assume that women who were not coerced have the same regret or would have been happy with the same alternatives.

Similar methodological shortcomings pepper the book. Mathewes-Green is strongly against single parenting. One reason she believes this is that it leads to terrible life outcomes for both the woman and her children. However, the data she cited to support this was comparing single parents with no more than a high school education who had their first child before they were twenty with couples with a college education who had their first child after they were twenty. There are other cases where she cites statistics without correcting for socioeconomic status. Given that correcting for wealth and education nearly always decreases or erases differences, the failure to not even mention the shortcomings of comparing those two groups is difficult to excuse.

All that said, the book is a worthwhile read for anyone interested in the real stories of women who get abortion. While I don't believe that the author's conclusions are as general as she believed, she does point out a real and significant hole in the discussions of abortion and choice -- helping those who are coerced to truly have choice. Read it for the stories, not for the author's interpretations of those stories.

In the spirit of finding common ground, Mathewes-Green concludes the book with a number of ideas for making things better for women seeking abortions. Most of them are things that anyone who cares about women should be able to get behind -- helping women avoid being coerced into abortions, helping women find social support, helping women place their child for adoption if that's what they want, building flexible employment models to help women who feel unable to finish the pregnancy because they can't support the child. I wish more authors in this space would focus on finding the common ground.

(Another good source of women's experiences with reproductive choice Choice True Stories of Birth Contraception Infertility Adoption Single Parenthood and Abortion.)

[Alex of Yoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a huge fan of Frederica Mathewes-Green, who has been pivotal in my journey to Orthodoxy. I've read a few of her books on religion, but this book is not one of these! It is primarily a book on social issues, namely abortion and women's health, and while religion is mentioned by some of the people she quotes, it's not really a religious book. It's extremely accessible in that way, and I think it deserves to be read by anyone for whom abortion is a hot topic (whether for or against).

This book is comprised of two parts: one is a compilation of research that Frederica has done on why women choose abortions and the social, financial, and psychological circumstances in which those women find themselves. She interviews pregnancy centers and researchers and includes the results of multiple surveys that she distributed across the USA in order to help her narrow down the reasons and obstacles behind women choosing abortions. The second part is a transcription of her interviews with multiple women all over the USA who have had abortions as they answer the questions, "why did you have an abortion?" and "what could have changed your mind?".

It's a small book, but very powerful. I particularly liked the chapters devoted to women's own stories. Too often their narratives get overlooked, an I love how Frederica highlights that. Neither the pro-life nor pro-choice political spheres are focusing on the reasons behind the abortion, which, Frederica finds, are complex and usually arise out of state of helplessness and from coercion from either the father or the parents. I especially love how she argues for pro-lifers to stop debating as if it's the mother vs the baby. Instead, to truly solve the issue of abortion, one must view abortion as also harming the mother (not just the baby!) and use that to breed compassion for young mothers who need our support and friendship. Too often the mother gets caught in the rhetoric of the political divide and finds no one on her side, which only exasperates her grief, trauma, and frustration. We can all do better to help women (and their children in the process!).

I appreciate that the book isn't preachy, self-righteous, or condemning. It's full of grace for those who have had abortions, and it doesn't presume to have all the answers. It lists places that can help hurting women, both those who are pregnant or who have had an abortion, and it challenges the community to keep asking questions and ignore the "quick fix" mentality so common in this debate. This isn't a black-and-white issue, the problems won't go away with legislation, and we all have a part to play in helping vulnerable women and their offspring so that they can have real choices about their lives and bodies without feeling pressured one way or another.

Now, the version I have has a 2013 re-publication date, but I'm not sure much has been changed since it was originally published in 1994. I'd love to see it updated with new research, data, and stories. It also has a rather large amount of typos, which is bizarre for a book by Frederica. It needs refreshed and re-looked at by an editor.

There are absolutely huge triggers for anyone who's had an abortion as some of the women interviewed describe their procedures rather graphically. Some women might find it validating, some might find it too hard to re-live. Otherwise, I do think this is a book that everyone who cares about abortion and women's health should read because it highlights how both sides are missing the mark and are overlooking vital statistics and stories, thus harming the very people both sides are claiming to help. If this is important to you, be open-minded and give this a read. It's balanced, engaging, and thought-provoking.

[Emma Thompson]

It’s not a bad book, but in 2025 I just wasn’t reading anything that was new to me.

[Rebekah Leland · Rating 4 out of 5]

I fully expected to give this book five starts because I dearly love this author and think she is a wonderfully fair and compassionate writer. And she was that here, too, often criticizing the pro-life approaches to dealing with abortion. But I think the first negative thing that struck me about this book is that it is so very dated (first written in '94, so she's quoting statistics and studies from the very early '90s and before). Obviously, this is not the book's fault. But still, it makes it a bit more difficult for the book to be a real contributor to the current conversation surrounding abortion (which has become decidedly more celebratory of abortion, instead of the old "it's a necessary evil" which Frederica references a lot and sort of assumes most people hold to).
Also, I have to say that this book needed a better editor. The number of typos drove me absolutely nuts.
And, I REALLY could have done without the martian zookeeper analogy.

All that said, the post-abortive women's stories are just as valid today as they were twenty years ago because they are part of the human experience and their voices should be heard. I found it particularly interesting that almost overwhelmingly, the women Frederica talked to confessed the real reason for the abortion was pressure from family members or a boyfriend. This, to me, is the exact, extreme opposite of what we want if we want to empower women and give them equal rights, etc.

I'm not going to use this review to write my opinion of abortion, though.

Here are a few gems from the book:

"If pregnancy turns a wheel that draws all together, abortion breaks the wheel, spinning the participants out into isolation. It severs at one blow the woman from the child who trusts her, and from the man she wants to trust. As French feminist Simone de Beauvoir wrote, after abortion women 'learn to believe no longer in what men say...the one thing they are sure of is this rifled and bleeding womb, these shreds of crimson life, this child that is not there. It is at her first abortion that a woman begins to "know." For many women the world will never be the same.'"

"Unreckoned with in the contraceptive strategy--indeed, nearly unrecognized in thirty years of sexual revolution--is the distinctive character of women's sexuality. As feminist poet Adreienne Rich writes, 'The so-called sexual revolution of the sixties [was] briefly believed to be congruent with the liberation of women...It did not mean that we were free to discover our own sexuality, but rather that we were expected to behave according to male notions of sexuality.'"

(This idea of behaving "according to male notions of sexuality" is infinitely important. We bow our heads and tuck our tails and do what they want--with contraception, abortion, whatever--to appease, mollify, and not inconvenience men.)

"As the abortion battle progressed, its lines grew clear: women against fetuses in a fight to the death....But in no sane society are women and their unborn children treated as mortal enemies. When they are set against each other, like contestants in a boxing ring, something is wrong with the whole picture....When we institutionalize the violent ripping of a child from her mother's womb, we violate something disturbingly close to the heart of the human story."

"Abortion, like rape and child abuse, should be illegal. But we have a long way to go before Americans are willing to vote for and sustain laws to that effect. For that to happen, we must first demonstrate that it is possible to live without abortion, that we can find ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies or, failing that, to support them."

[SN · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm only on page 46 of 189 (20% of the way through) and I'm not sure that I'll continue reading.
As the former head of Feminists For Life Of America (FFL), I figured this book would present the argument that abortion is hardly the empowering choice of bodily autonomy in which it is typically framed within feminist circles, but rather a choice made in desperate circumstances, resulting from a patriarchal society that has not met our needs as women. I expected it to ask the questions "would women really be seeking these services if they had access to quality healthcare? Financial support? The knowledge that pregnancy and parenting wouldn't negatively impact their careers or schooling? Freedom from sexual assault, rape and/or rape culture?" and at least, as the subtitle suggests, attempt to answer these questions.

For far too long the abortion debate has centred around supply, rather than demand; Neither pro-lifers nor pro-choicers regularly stop to think about why women seek these services, and whether that demand is merely a byproduct of a deeply-rooted oppression and society's inability to cater to women's needs.

Sadly, Mathewes-Green has yet to discuss these issues and has instead made the somewhat backwards argument that the main reason women seek abortions is because of the breakdown of the nuclear family and not being married. On page 41 she writes "the ideal cure for the problems of pregnancy is a husband". Whilst I absolutely agree that the moral thing men should do is step up to the plate when confronted with an unplanned pregnancy, and that children benefit from having both a maternal and paternal figure in their lives, the implication that single motherhood is not a viable option does more harm for her case, as well as to women, than good. Even (the wishy-washy) but pro-family feminist Betty Friedan - who's book The Feminine Mystique was the catalyst for the second wave of Women's Lib - knew that women would find true freedom in creative work and self-reliance, instead of complete dependence on men.
Whilst I personally consider necessary assistance a fundamental human right and a key step on the path to destruction of women's inequality, as well as agreeing that (as Adam Smith stated) self-sufficiency is inefficiency, in the world as it currently stands regarding gender roles, a woman's complete dependence on men is neither empowering nor liberating. It upholds male supremacy.

Furthermore, to make this point about the nuclear family, she celebrates the story of a woman called April, who's boyfriend pushed her against a wall when she told him of her pregnancy. She ended up homeless until she was assisted by a Christian family who was able to reconnect her with her boyfriend, who eventually came around to the pregnancy, and ended up proposing marriage to April.
Why are we celebrating April's marriage to an abusive man? This should not be the situation we are striving for to make pregnancy and parenting "easier", financially or other. In fact, this is the exact argument that current FFL president Serrin Foster condemned in her speech "The Feminist Case Against Abortion".
Instead we should be celebrating the family who offered help in April's time of need, and her ability to be a good mother on her own terms once she is/was able to stand on her own two feet by herself.
Sisterhood is powerful. Community is powerful. That's a real family: no husband necessary.
Saying anything contrary to that, I would argue, is simply not feminist.

[Cody · Rating 5 out of 5]

An upfront disclaimer, this book is over 10 years old so [when I originally wrote this, some nearly ten years ago when I repost this] I know much has changed as far as stats and current facts. However, I am also sure that the root of the issue is very much the same as it always has been so the book isn’t “useless” or “irrelevant” by any means.

When I first started reading, I got angry. I didn’t like how the pro-life movement was attacked and I didn’t agree with many of the assumptions or conclusions, at first anyway. The bulk of this book is centered on the stories of women. The first story is hypothetical and factious; however, all the rest are true stories shared by post-abort women in support groups.

I question whether the people that suggested I read this book actually read it or remember it at all. I was told it would shed light how even more governmental finical support would help stem the rising tide of abortion. First of all, abortions have been on the down swing more or less from just a few years after this book was written till now. Second, I personally think that is a crock of…well you can imagine what. Third, chapter thirteen cites studies that show cutting welfare programs have a positive effect in lowering the number of abortions, AND, lowering the number of un-wed births.

The over whelming message of the women in these groups and therefore the book is the need for emotional support and for compassion from the community, but mostly from the friends and families of women that find themselves in the awkward position. It also highlights the need for pro-lifers to support “birthing centers” both financially and by volunteering. It also dispels many of the myths and misconceptions held by both those that are pro-choice and pro-life.

So, I have to say though I hated it and was very angry with it at the beginning. I have to highly recommend this book to any and all that are not cold and turned off to the issue of abortion. I truly feel this book that should be required reading in high school “health” and “sex ed” classes. I am not blowing smoke when I say that both the pro-choice crowd and pro-lifers will get something from this book. There is much learning and wisdom to be had no matter who you are or what your own beliefs happen to be on the issue...

[Stephanie Fehler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Feminism should be like this

Instead of strident didactic slogans, Mathewes-Green has listened to women, and then compassionately stitched all their many experiences with a few of her own observations. It is the idea of this book that if we could find common threads, starting points to unravel the fact that such a large percentage of conceptions are aborted, maybe we could work at making changes in our society so that women would feel they had more agency and choices at a hard pass in their lives. The problems the women cited are not insurmountable and well worth smashing.

[Ваня Г.]

Прочетена на български в превод на Персиана Пастухова-Личева.

Матюз-Грийн 2022: Матюз-Грийн, Ф. Истинските избори. Да се вслушаме в жените. Алтернативи на аборта. София: Омофор, 2022.

[RF]

"No one wants an abortion as she wants an ice-cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion as an animal, caught in a trap, wants to gnaw off its own leg." This quote begins the book. After listening to an NPR segment on Roe vs. Wade - it reminds me how much we need an orthodox compassionate honest voice on this issue. Perhaps this is a good read around the anniversary of Roe v Wade?