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210 pages, Paperback
First published October 27, 2020


"A lot has changed since you left.”
“I imagine so. I’ve changed too.”
“I would hope so in ten years. I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
He means as a friend. Just a friend.
“Me too.”



That philosophy extends to Apollo. If we’re going to be friends, then he has to accept me for who I am. I’ll never compromise on that again.


Let’s see. Do I remember Greek god Apollo? His shiny black hair, piercing dark eyes, and knee weakening smile? Do I remember how his deep voice vibrated in me like bass turned up too high? Do I remember the electricity that shot through me the time he let me touch his tattoo? Do I remember the first crush my gay little heart ever had? Do I remember the fantasies I had that he would somehow see me as an adult and fall madly in love with me regardless of the fact that he is frustratingly straight?

“Yes, well groping…and stuff…is an adequate way to determine one’s preferences.”
I raise an eyebrow. “An adequate way to determine one’s preferences?”
He releases a jittery laugh. “That did not sound very American twenty-something-year-old, did it?”
“No.”

“Any man who does not want me as I am, is not the man for me. I love who I am. All the parts of me.”

“To me, anyone who says a man who is feminine is a negative thing, is threatened by female power. Alternatively, you may think, innately, that being feminine means being weak because we have been taught this, no? Despite the overwhelming examples of women showing they are indeed far from weak. It is a narrative meant to make truly weak people feel strong.”

“Ah. I see. Briar was so respectful. He asked for my pronouns. No one in Paris ever asked me that question. Americans are so awake, no?”
Apollo grins. “Woke. The term is woke.”
“Americans are woke? That is not grammatically correct.”
“No, it’s not.”


"I am a man. I am not adorable.”
“But pretty is okay?”
He grins. “Yes, because I am. I reject that adjectives are gender specific. Men can be pretty, and women can be handsome. Men can be graceful and elegant, and women can be suave and distinguished. I go out of my way to be pretty because it makes me happy.”

“I got a nice ass though.”
Felix laughs. “You do. I have looked.”
I have a nice dick too, but I should probably keep that part to myself.

How could I sleep when the feeling of his lips burned on mine all night?

“Gah, Felix, you’re so amazing. What did I do in this life to deserve you?”
“You existed. That is all you had to do.”

“You’ve always liked me?”
“Always. You were how I knew I was gay.” I laugh. “My entire romantic experience has been shaped by memories of you. I have looked for someone who made my insides melt with a smile, like you do. Someone who looked at me the way you did even though I knew you saw me as a child, as just Lucien’s baby brother, but still, the way you looked at me made me feel special. Seen. I always wanted that, but I did not find it until you looked at me again.”

“What was that for?”
“You were listening to me.”
“Of course, I was. I always listen to you. You’re my favorite sound, Felix.”

“I spent hours imagining that you could see me as a man. Desire me. The way that I am. A little chubby, a lot fem, sassy, and French. Obsessed with baking and lingerie. But I love hard, Apollo, when I love. What has been missing from every relationship was you. All I have ever wanted is to love you and have you love me back.”

“I can’t believe this is happening. I am shaken.”
I tilt my head. “Shaken?”
“Genesis taught me.”
“Ah. I think it might be shook.”
His brow furrows. “I am shook?” He nods. “Ah, yes, that is it. It does not make sense, but that is slang, right?”
“Right. So, I got you shook, huh?”







