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Help! I'm Married to My Pastor
Ministry is hard. And every ministry wife needs--and deserves--encouragement.
A woman marries a man, not his ministry. But all too often her husband's calling complicates their life together. What if ministry life isn't what she bargained for? What happens when her children make mistakes? How does she deal with church gossip, or even slander?
As a pastor's wife of almost fifty years, Jani Ortlund addresses these questions, along with many others, as she offers encouragement and guidance to ministry wives. Jani reminds readers that God works out his delightfully good purposes in and through their sacrifices.
A woman marries a man, not his ministry. But all too often her husband's calling complicates their life together. What if ministry life isn't what she bargained for? What happens when her children make mistakes? How does she deal with church gossip, or even slander?
As a pastor's wife of almost fifty years, Jani Ortlund addresses these questions, along with many others, as she offers encouragement and guidance to ministry wives. Jani reminds readers that God works out his delightfully good purposes in and through their sacrifices.
128 pages, Paperback
Published January 19, 2021
54 people are currently reading
290 people want to read
About the author
Jani Ortlund
17 books12 followersJani Ortlund is a well-known writer and conference speaker who loves spending her energies connecting women and their families with the Word of God. She is the wife of Dr. Raymond Ortlund Jr., pastor, author, and former seminary professor. Jani, a former schoolteacher, holds a master’s degree in education. The Ortlunds have four grown children and two grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 107 reviews
February 5, 2021
DNF. To be honest I just skimmed it. The author’s response anything remotely difficult and painful was just an extra spiritual version of “try harder and be better.” Every story in her book seemed to have a simple, happy solution which didn’t seem to really accurately reflect or acknowledge real life hurt and pain. The chapters were short and I didn’t find her writing style engaging at all. I wish it had been a good book...we need more books for women married to men in ministry.
May 12, 2025
I first heard Jani Ortlund on a podcast and thought she was the warmest, loveliest gal. Def wanted her to be my friend. The book conveys a huge amount of that honeyed wisdom, but is also bizarrely trite and condescending. Perhaps it's the American-British cultural divide, but a lot of this felt like perky one-liners and cosmetic solutions - particularly the tips on how to remember people's names, or get your children to church on time (the assumption is that you have lots of children). There's also a cheesy letter to your husband at the end of each chapter.
Some lovely moments of biblical warmth and Scripture woven throughout, but this irked more than it encouraged. Read 'The Minister's Wife' by Ann Benton instead.
Some lovely moments of biblical warmth and Scripture woven throughout, but this irked more than it encouraged. Read 'The Minister's Wife' by Ann Benton instead.
January 22, 2021
A breath of fresh air! Reading this book felt like sitting down with the author for coffee to talk about ministry troubles. I’ve been a ministry wife for 17+ years, and pretty much all that Jani wrote about resonated with me. I so appreciate the way she addresses common struggles in ministry and marriage, and I thought her wisdom was extremely practical.
This book is a quick and easy read, but it leaves you with much to think about. I will happily recommend it to other ministry wives.
This book is a quick and easy read, but it leaves you with much to think about. I will happily recommend it to other ministry wives.
April 19, 2023
This book is a treasure that I know I will return to in the years to come.
November 24, 2021
Soo… This book was not my favorite.
Jani does such a good job of envisioning her “ideal audience member” that she isolates readers that don’t fit into that exact box. While reading the book, I realized that Jani assumes I’m: (1) young, (2) not helping out in the church that’s hired my husband, (3) the church that hired my husband has a full staff and many congregants, (4) that I have children, and (5) that I don’t have a job.
And well… I’m still young! Aaaaand that’s it! Which is fine. This book clearly wasn’t written for me! However: Not all pastor’s wives fit into the stereotypical pastor’s wife box, y’all.
I needed a book that walked me through the difficulties of being a woman in ministry, of working alongside my husband, of trying to discern where my best yes is, of feeling lonely and overlooked, and so on…
And instead I felt like this was another book about how to build my husband up, how to support him better, and how to strengthen my relationship with Jesus. And that’s great. It’s just not what I needed right now.
ALSO: I’m super tired of the narrative that she perpetuates in chapter 10. *Christian men are incapable of staying faithful to their wives without the wife’s effort to “do everything she can to be as captivating as possible.” Of course, sex is a part of a healthy marriage. And I want to love my husband well. But it does go both ways. And if your husband cheats on you: It’s not you, it’s him. A man should be capable of owning up for his own sins, just as a woman is capable of owning up for hers. This is spiritually abusive, and I’m not here for it.
Jani does such a good job of envisioning her “ideal audience member” that she isolates readers that don’t fit into that exact box. While reading the book, I realized that Jani assumes I’m: (1) young, (2) not helping out in the church that’s hired my husband, (3) the church that hired my husband has a full staff and many congregants, (4) that I have children, and (5) that I don’t have a job.
And well… I’m still young! Aaaaand that’s it! Which is fine. This book clearly wasn’t written for me! However: Not all pastor’s wives fit into the stereotypical pastor’s wife box, y’all.
I needed a book that walked me through the difficulties of being a woman in ministry, of working alongside my husband, of trying to discern where my best yes is, of feeling lonely and overlooked, and so on…
And instead I felt like this was another book about how to build my husband up, how to support him better, and how to strengthen my relationship with Jesus. And that’s great. It’s just not what I needed right now.
ALSO: I’m super tired of the narrative that she perpetuates in chapter 10. *Christian men are incapable of staying faithful to their wives without the wife’s effort to “do everything she can to be as captivating as possible.” Of course, sex is a part of a healthy marriage. And I want to love my husband well. But it does go both ways. And if your husband cheats on you: It’s not you, it’s him. A man should be capable of owning up for his own sins, just as a woman is capable of owning up for hers. This is spiritually abusive, and I’m not here for it.
March 30, 2022
Surface level, yet biblical advice from a seasoned pastor’s wife regarding some of the trials of a family in ministry. I appreciate the reminder that some of these burdens are actually gifts that require constant biblical reframing. It’s also a comfort to know I’m not alone in them.
November 14, 2024
Such a sweet read. Anyone in ministry should read this! I listened to it and read it and Jani’s voice is so precious to listen to. You can hear the passion in her voice! A woman who has been through it and knows God better for every trial and suffering.
April 17, 2021
I have read a lot of pastors wives books over the years. She is a little cheesy, but honestly, most of them are. I actually enjoyed it because, she was gospel-centered, honest, transparent, and very relevant to issues I have felt over the years. I appreciated the interview at the end of the audio book. There is also a section at the end of each chapter where she addresses the pastor. This could be a good place to engage your marriage together. Quick read!
January 27, 2026
I typically don’t like reading nor do I finish reading books about being the pastor’s wife, but I really resonated with this one. Yes, Jani’s ministry context is different than my own, but I felt understood. There’s wisdom in listening to advice of an older woman in ministry regardless of context. I can take a lot of what she said and see how I can fit it for my own current context.
I was brought to tears a couple of times after the sheer realization that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts and feelings. I actually handed the book to my husband at one point and told him to read a specific paragraph because I felt like she was inside my head and told my husband that was exactly how I felt.
Some have commented about the letter at the end to husbands being cheesy, and I may have thought the same at one point in time, but I really liked it. I think it’s a great way for my husband and I to enter into much needed conversations. It actually made me feel less pressure. I avoid most books like this because they leave me feeling discouraged by all the things I’m not doing and all the things I “need” to do. The letter to husbands made it feel like more of a partnership and gives charges to both the wife AND husband. This is one book I would actually recommend.
I was brought to tears a couple of times after the sheer realization that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts and feelings. I actually handed the book to my husband at one point and told him to read a specific paragraph because I felt like she was inside my head and told my husband that was exactly how I felt.
Some have commented about the letter at the end to husbands being cheesy, and I may have thought the same at one point in time, but I really liked it. I think it’s a great way for my husband and I to enter into much needed conversations. It actually made me feel less pressure. I avoid most books like this because they leave me feeling discouraged by all the things I’m not doing and all the things I “need” to do. The letter to husbands made it feel like more of a partnership and gives charges to both the wife AND husband. This is one book I would actually recommend.
January 26, 2026
Let me begin by saying I am not currently a pastor’s wife. My husband is leaning that direction and over the course of a couple years, has only felt that calling grow stronger. I picked this book to read because I wanted to get a glimpse into what Jani Ortland’s marriage to her pastor looks like…mostly out of curiosity and wanting to be prepared for what my future, Lord willing, could have in store.
With that being said, here’s what I thought of the book.
I’ve seen other reviews stating that Jani Ortland’s point of view is grating to them because she simply states ways to do better and improve…which to be honest, I totally get that perspective if you’re coming to this book for some encouragement (and really struggling with your current outlook being married to your pastor) and the last thing you want on earth is to have someone else “preaching at you”.
However, I do think it’s worth noting that Jani mentions several times that it is not easy for her to apply to her own life all the things she talks about and sometimes still struggles with her husband’s relationship with the church. I think you will probably get the most out of it if you approach this book with a simple mindset. Like knowing:
1) the author is sinful and doesn’t claim to be perfect
2) the author genuinely cares for other pastors’ wives and wants to offer help
3) she offers up ideas that merely helped her embrace her calling towards her husband
4) always points you to Christ and the gospel as the only thing that will truly fulfill
This book by no means should take the place of martial counseling or biblical counseling, especially if you are intensely struggling emotionally/spiritually. It’s just thoughtful compilations a loving hearted, fellow Christian wrote to strengthen and encourage those that walk with her. Think an older sister holding your hand and giving you words of wisdom from practices that have impacted her for the better.
Maybe don’t pick this one up if you’re currently in the trenches and looking for an in-depth guide to solve all your pastors wife problems…especially if you’re desperately searching for some life giving encouragement. If you are that wife in the trenches, I’d suggest finding someone in your Christian circle who can relate to your struggles and walk with you, counsel, and minister to you.
But if you need a short quick book to listen to; knowing overall it will feel like a pep talk from someone who wants to help, then this is the one!
With that being said, here’s what I thought of the book.
I’ve seen other reviews stating that Jani Ortland’s point of view is grating to them because she simply states ways to do better and improve…which to be honest, I totally get that perspective if you’re coming to this book for some encouragement (and really struggling with your current outlook being married to your pastor) and the last thing you want on earth is to have someone else “preaching at you”.
However, I do think it’s worth noting that Jani mentions several times that it is not easy for her to apply to her own life all the things she talks about and sometimes still struggles with her husband’s relationship with the church. I think you will probably get the most out of it if you approach this book with a simple mindset. Like knowing:
1) the author is sinful and doesn’t claim to be perfect
2) the author genuinely cares for other pastors’ wives and wants to offer help
3) she offers up ideas that merely helped her embrace her calling towards her husband
4) always points you to Christ and the gospel as the only thing that will truly fulfill
This book by no means should take the place of martial counseling or biblical counseling, especially if you are intensely struggling emotionally/spiritually. It’s just thoughtful compilations a loving hearted, fellow Christian wrote to strengthen and encourage those that walk with her. Think an older sister holding your hand and giving you words of wisdom from practices that have impacted her for the better.
Maybe don’t pick this one up if you’re currently in the trenches and looking for an in-depth guide to solve all your pastors wife problems…especially if you’re desperately searching for some life giving encouragement. If you are that wife in the trenches, I’d suggest finding someone in your Christian circle who can relate to your struggles and walk with you, counsel, and minister to you.
But if you need a short quick book to listen to; knowing overall it will feel like a pep talk from someone who wants to help, then this is the one!
September 13, 2023
Fantastic book!! Brimming with scripture, encouraging and very practical. Also glad I read this book before beginning this role as it’s given me a better understanding and foundation (and a greater appreciation for ministers wives). Definitely feel more equipped to support my husband in his future role and ministry having read this book. I will definitely be dipping back into this book in the future.
February 1, 2026
Overall good! And a QUICK read - we love.
It was definitely “old school,” which lacked some nuance. Didn’t agree with every sentence / perspective the author shared, but generally appreciated the principles shared in this book!
It was definitely “old school,” which lacked some nuance. Didn’t agree with every sentence / perspective the author shared, but generally appreciated the principles shared in this book!
January 19, 2022
As per Ray Ortlund’s request, I read this slowly to really think about all the advice a seasoned ministry wife has for someone like me, who up until this point, being a ministry wife had little to no meaning.
I am so thankful for Jani and her desire to write this book. Not all of the chapters applied to me or us as a couple yet, but this will be a book I pull out again and again when the storms of ministry life come.
I am so thankful for Jani and her desire to write this book. Not all of the chapters applied to me or us as a couple yet, but this will be a book I pull out again and again when the storms of ministry life come.
July 25, 2023
Absolutely loved this book! It was so encouraging and full of Biblical truths. I highly recommend this book for any wife in ministry or wife of a pastor.
January 20, 2021
My only complaint is that I want this to be longer, but I also completely understand why it isn’t. Perfectly designed for the always busy and often overwhelmed pastor’s wife, this book offers brief chapters which can be read quickly, but each one is brimming with wisdom and treasure to digest and absorb slowly. So helpful!
Read
May 31, 2023* AS A MINISTRY WIFE, you have the privilege of knowing intimately a man going hard after God and his word, a man who strives week after week, year after year, to communicate all that God gives him to the people God brings into his life.
* A woman is most beautiful when she knows she is loved. Your femininity is most radiant, nurturing, gracious, and other-centered when you know you are loved. Let God make you, through his tender and intimate love, the beautiful woman he created you to be.
And where do we find that love? Where do we warm our hearts with the love of God? At the foot of the cross. Never be content with your current grasp of the cross. Never feel that you have grown beyond your need for the cross. Keep close enough to the cross so that you can daily feel the warmth of God's redeeming love for you.
* "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21).
But let's be wise in how we live out the deaths of gospel ministry. There is a difference between killing yourself and dying to yourself! "Let your ministry be strategic dying," I heard a psychologist say at a conference for ministers at Hilton Head, South Carolina, in 2000. He encouraged us to ask ourselves,
"How can I accomplish the most by minimizing what's killing me and maximizing productivity for him?"
What is killing you these days? What is killing your husband? What drains you, sucking the life out of you?
* protect your child from comparison. Let him know that the one you want him to imitate more than any person on earth is Jesus Christ.
* What your flock really needs to see is a family serving God with wholehearted devotion while dealing with the realities of sinful parents raising sinful children in this broken and confusing world.
* A woman is most beautiful when she knows she is loved. Your femininity is most radiant, nurturing, gracious, and other-centered when you know you are loved. Let God make you, through his tender and intimate love, the beautiful woman he created you to be.
And where do we find that love? Where do we warm our hearts with the love of God? At the foot of the cross. Never be content with your current grasp of the cross. Never feel that you have grown beyond your need for the cross. Keep close enough to the cross so that you can daily feel the warmth of God's redeeming love for you.
* "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21).
But let's be wise in how we live out the deaths of gospel ministry. There is a difference between killing yourself and dying to yourself! "Let your ministry be strategic dying," I heard a psychologist say at a conference for ministers at Hilton Head, South Carolina, in 2000. He encouraged us to ask ourselves,
"How can I accomplish the most by minimizing what's killing me and maximizing productivity for him?"
What is killing you these days? What is killing your husband? What drains you, sucking the life out of you?
* protect your child from comparison. Let him know that the one you want him to imitate more than any person on earth is Jesus Christ.
* What your flock really needs to see is a family serving God with wholehearted devotion while dealing with the realities of sinful parents raising sinful children in this broken and confusing world.
January 8, 2025
Probably would give it 2.5 stars if that were an option.
Finished this bite-sized book in about an hour. Overall it read as tidbit advice, cute in places, cringy in others. The last two chapters were the strongest, and had the firmest biblical direction, and I wish were much longer. Perhaps this would have been more helpful earlier in ministry, or maybe if I just cared more about what people think of me? Haha! Some of the advice was based generationally, or I just felt was a terrible example even if her conclusions were good. For example, there were some sweeping statements (men receive advice from their wives as lack of approval???), and the idea that we have to ask for help to receive help (do y’all not eat off of dishes at dinner? You know the kitchen needs to be cleaned while you are reading a book).
Overall a decent read for an early in ministry wife, with the caveat that it is surface level, and has marginal statements here and there.
Finished this bite-sized book in about an hour. Overall it read as tidbit advice, cute in places, cringy in others. The last two chapters were the strongest, and had the firmest biblical direction, and I wish were much longer. Perhaps this would have been more helpful earlier in ministry, or maybe if I just cared more about what people think of me? Haha! Some of the advice was based generationally, or I just felt was a terrible example even if her conclusions were good. For example, there were some sweeping statements (men receive advice from their wives as lack of approval???), and the idea that we have to ask for help to receive help (do y’all not eat off of dishes at dinner? You know the kitchen needs to be cleaned while you are reading a book).
Overall a decent read for an early in ministry wife, with the caveat that it is surface level, and has marginal statements here and there.
October 13, 2025
3.75⭐️
Such a niche topic so there’s a lot of pressure on the book. Overall a fast & encouraging read!
Just not as much crazy insight as I was expecting. Some of the issues she presents feel surface level and have not a lot of personal experience to connect with. The Hard she describes doesn’t feel like a relatable hard but a nice glazed over version
Such a niche topic so there’s a lot of pressure on the book. Overall a fast & encouraging read!
Just not as much crazy insight as I was expecting. Some of the issues she presents feel surface level and have not a lot of personal experience to connect with. The Hard she describes doesn’t feel like a relatable hard but a nice glazed over version
February 6, 2021
Did not finish.
Ive been married in ministry for over 10 years. She makes it sound too easy. It just isnt practical for where we are or in my experience.
Ive been married in ministry for over 10 years. She makes it sound too easy. It just isnt practical for where we are or in my experience.
April 11, 2021
Quick simple read. Simple concepts but are difficult to live out.
December 30, 2021
My favorite chapters were on the prioritizing of your own children, and next would be the chapter on enduring rejection and/or slander from people you’ve loved and invested deeply in within the congregation. Some good nuggets here! Both of these areas are common temptations and painful situations that can really make you pause. The rest of the book I think would mainly benefit younger/new pastor’s wives and some of the examples are specific to large churches. I’m sure it’s a difficult book to write, to speak to so many various situations. It’s definitely light reading and sometimes that’s nice.
2025
November 20, 2025There are some really good nuggets in here and some real encouragement that I needed.
H o w e v e r- a lot of her examples of things she's done felt absolutely unrelatable and impossible to imitate. But the heart *behind* her action encouraged me. I was especially encouraged by what she had to say about our influence as moms in growing our children's love for the church, and advice/encouragement in how we face criticism as a ministry family.
H o w e v e r- a lot of her examples of things she's done felt absolutely unrelatable and impossible to imitate. But the heart *behind* her action encouraged me. I was especially encouraged by what she had to say about our influence as moms in growing our children's love for the church, and advice/encouragement in how we face criticism as a ministry family.
January 8, 2026
While her son Dane encourages us to relax into Jesus’ tender disposition by revealing His heart for His people in Gently and Lowly, Jani asks us to try more and push harder. She’s working from the perspective of a different time period that unfortunately doesn’t align with today’s issues and concerns.
To her credit, she has a great chapter about depression and even references Dr. John Gottman which delighted me. I’m sure she is a wonderful lady and has made a great impact on her family and community.
To her credit, she has a great chapter about depression and even references Dr. John Gottman which delighted me. I’m sure she is a wonderful lady and has made a great impact on her family and community.
December 31, 2020
I thought this book was excellent - I would recommend it to any pastor’s wife but I would especially recommend it to a young pastor’s wife. I want to read the last chapter again and again! The whole book is the perfect length - enough content to help you learn but not too much for you to get lost in.
March 10, 2021
I really enjoyed the wisdom in this book. There were lots of moments where I finally felt seen and not like a crazy person for thinking/feeling things I have/do. I thought bringing in dialogue with our pastors is so special and really helped my husband and I to talk about some stuff we normally don’t. Overall I’d 100% recommend this to any pastor’s wife. It’s super encouraging and uplifting!
May 5, 2021
My wife and I read this together. It was like someone was in her head, and the prompts at the end for husbands were clear and helpful. For a short book, it has the ability to impactful on marriages that are trying to navigate the strain ministry can produce.
July 14, 2025
Great listen, a few chapters I felt weren’t super relevant to me currently but others were very helpful and convicting! I’ve also only been a pastors wife for 5 seconds so I’m sure I will come back to this for reference in the future.
February 10, 2026
This was such a sweet encouraging book for women whose husbands are serving in ministry. My husband isn’t a pastor but so much of it applied to our lives and the parts that didn’t gave me a new perspective for my pastors wives.
May 28, 2021
Jani is such a sweet spirit and found her book helpful. Very brief chapters but gospel centered and to the point. Finally found a book that I would recommend to other pastors wives
July 12, 2021
This book was an easy read and a delight. As a new wife to a church leader, this book offered simple, quick-hitters in help. It was a great starting place for many deep conversations. I would by no means stop my search for deepening knowledge, wisdom, or care here, as it is just an introduction to caring for ministry wives, but it was a fun and honest place to start.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 107 reviews