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5 Paths to the Love of Your Life: Defining Your Dating Style
A guide to dating
Decide for yourself. Tired of catch-all, simplistic theories on dating? Join the club. Dating, relationships, and marriage are all too important to risk on one person’s unproven advice. In 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life, respected relationship experts and best-selling authors help you gain new insight into dating and marriage. They offer you sound advice that is grounded in biblical truth and their own personal experiences. Read and pray Then try the approaches out, see what works and doesn’t work, and discover your own personalized path to the love of your life.
Decide for yourself. Tired of catch-all, simplistic theories on dating? Join the club. Dating, relationships, and marriage are all too important to risk on one person’s unproven advice. In 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life, respected relationship experts and best-selling authors help you gain new insight into dating and marriage. They offer you sound advice that is grounded in biblical truth and their own personal experiences. Read and pray Then try the approaches out, see what works and doesn’t work, and discover your own personalized path to the love of your life.
224 pages, Paperback
First published August 31, 2005
111 people want to read
About the author
Lauren F. Winner
45 books330 followersLauren F. Winner is the author of numerous books, including Girl Meets God and Mudhouse Sabbath. Her study A Cheerful & Comfortable Faith: Anglican Religious Practice in the Elite Households of Eighteenth-Century Virginia was published in the fall of 2010 by Yale University Press. She has appeared on PBS’s Religion & Ethics Newsweekly and has written for The New York Times Book Review, The Washington Post Book World, Publishers Weekly, Books and Culture, and Christianity Today. Winner has degrees from Duke, Columbia, and Cambridge universities, and holds a Ph.D. in history. The former book editor for Beliefnet, Lauren teaches at Duke Divinity School, and lives in Durham, North Carolina. Lauren travels extensively to lecture and teach. During the academic year of 2007-2008, she was a visiting fellow at the Center for the Study of Religion at Princeton University, and during the academic year of 2010-2011, she was a visiting fellow at the Institute of Sacred Music at Yale University. When she’s home, you can usually find her curled up, on her couch or screen porch, with a good novel.
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
October 29, 2012
What a fantastic, useful book!
This book is a collection of essays edited by Alex Chediak (whom you may be familiar with from Boundless) that tries to lay out the primary views of conservative evangelical Christians on romantic relationships. Each of the six authors is a generally respected teacher/author in this subject area and they are given a chance to explain their approach, the rationale behind it, and some of the ramifications of it.
What makes this book so incredibly useful is how each section is laid out similarly, each author addresses several "unique" scenarios, and each approach has a simple two-page summary at the end. This allows the reader to really compare the different approaches in depth. At the end, Chediak does a general comparison of the methods that is also very, very useful, without passing judgement on which approach is better than the others. In fact, the whole book maintains a respectful, neutral tone that acknowledges the pros and cons of each relationship approach.
Lauren Winner, who wrote the book Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity that I read earlier this year, writes a compelling first section devoted to the idea that the real issue isn't dating vs. courtship, but living in a boldly countercultural way. As she puts it, “The central question is not, ”Are we to date, to court, or to enter into arranged marriages?” but, ”What is the central command of the Christian life, and how is to bear on social relations?”. What I particularly appreciated about her section was that it was rooted in a realistic view of the situations most of my Christian peers are in today. As she suggests, “courtship…requires a robust, stable, institutionally strong community.…Some Christians in contemporary America do live in such thick communities, but most of us don't.” In explaining her approach, she calls us to holiness, to living out the Christian life but also recognizes the very real situations we find ourselves in today.
Next, Doug Wilson writes a section in defense of courtship, in the traditional, patriarchal sense most conservative Christians are familiar with. He is quick to point out some of the shortcomings of this approach (“more than once, I…have said that the courtship model means that we have six idiots involved instead of two.”) but posits that the courtship model deals with the problems that arise in relationships more successfully than other models. He defines courtship as “the active, involved authority of the young woman's father in the formation of her romantic attachments leading to marriage.” He goes onto write what is, in my opinion, one of the most balanced approaches to courtship I've come across. He focuses much attention on what is required of the father in these situations and on the potential problems and abuse that can arise with courtship. In dealing with the sample scenarios common to each section, Wilson deals with them realistically and positively.
The third section is by Rick Holland and is titled “The Guided Path”. Holland asserts that no one approach will work for everyone and what is necessary is a set of principles by which to navigate relationships successfully—whether they be courtship or dating. He then proceeds to lay out ten useful principles. These principles are useful, although they seem a bit formulaic. The editor warns that it can be easy to view these as a “checklist” with which to approach a relationship or a platform for legalism. Ultimately, this section seemed useful but didn't really present a different approach to relationships, only a set of tools to approach a relationship with.
The fourth section, however, very definitely presents a very different approach to romance. Jonathan Lindvall writes a dogmatic yet superficial defense of betrothal as the only Biblical option for couples heading to marriage. He makes a case for this from Scripture and from anecdotal experience, but utterly fails to ground it in reality or demonstrate how it would realistically work for the sample couples in the scenarios. In the end, he comes off slightly crazy and his approach seems to be a pie-in-the-sky fantasy, not a really workable approach for most people.
The fifth section is written by couple Jeramy Clark and Jerusha Clark who claim that “young adults who love the Lord and long to please Him can date in a healthy way.” They provide some useful examples and, like Winner and Wilson, present an approach very grounded in reality and very useful for the contemporary single. This section proved to be another of my favorites and the principles they present can be used in any approach—particularly their use of the acronym "HOT" to describe what a couple should be looking for in each other: Holiness; Outrageous (“you must…determine whether or not you enjoy, delight in, and desire a person's companionship. You need to find someone you think is outrageous.”); and Trustworthy.
The book is finished off with two chapters by Chediak; one examines how the book works together as a whole and compares the different methods; the second (an appendix) takes a high-level look at the different methods.
All told, this book rates a solid five stars for overall utility and for the depth and value of four of the five sections. Winner's, Wilson's, and the Clark's section are particularly worthwhile and deserve to be revisited regularly, regardless of what approach to romance you would take.
For me, having tried several different approaches to relationships (from purposeful dating to rigid courtship) and experienced both heartbreak and healthy endings to relationships, I found this book useful as an overview of different approaches, an assurance that it is okay for me to date or to court, depending on the situation, and a review of useful principles.
I did find this book to be light on two specific areas: First, it really doesn't deal with the realities and complexities of long-distance relationship. Nearly everyone of the authors points to the importance of community involvement in your relationship, but this becomes considerably more difficult over distances; as does traditional means of getting to know each other (dates or time spent in groups). My experience has been that long-distance relationships in particular put a couple at risk for getting prematurely emotionally intimate; this danger isn't touched on at all. The second shortcoming is that the book—and the sample scenarios—don't really address the situation of a young man who is ready for marriage but doesn't have immediate marriage prospects surrounding him. They do address the older single lady, but not the equally common situation of an older guy.
Still, this book gets five stars and a well-deserved spot on my library shelf. Whether you are a single Christian or a parent/pastor/teacher/friend of one, get this book and read it.
This book is a collection of essays edited by Alex Chediak (whom you may be familiar with from Boundless) that tries to lay out the primary views of conservative evangelical Christians on romantic relationships. Each of the six authors is a generally respected teacher/author in this subject area and they are given a chance to explain their approach, the rationale behind it, and some of the ramifications of it.
What makes this book so incredibly useful is how each section is laid out similarly, each author addresses several "unique" scenarios, and each approach has a simple two-page summary at the end. This allows the reader to really compare the different approaches in depth. At the end, Chediak does a general comparison of the methods that is also very, very useful, without passing judgement on which approach is better than the others. In fact, the whole book maintains a respectful, neutral tone that acknowledges the pros and cons of each relationship approach.
Lauren Winner, who wrote the book Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity that I read earlier this year, writes a compelling first section devoted to the idea that the real issue isn't dating vs. courtship, but living in a boldly countercultural way. As she puts it, “The central question is not, ”Are we to date, to court, or to enter into arranged marriages?” but, ”What is the central command of the Christian life, and how is to bear on social relations?”. What I particularly appreciated about her section was that it was rooted in a realistic view of the situations most of my Christian peers are in today. As she suggests, “courtship…requires a robust, stable, institutionally strong community.…Some Christians in contemporary America do live in such thick communities, but most of us don't.” In explaining her approach, she calls us to holiness, to living out the Christian life but also recognizes the very real situations we find ourselves in today.
Next, Doug Wilson writes a section in defense of courtship, in the traditional, patriarchal sense most conservative Christians are familiar with. He is quick to point out some of the shortcomings of this approach (“more than once, I…have said that the courtship model means that we have six idiots involved instead of two.”) but posits that the courtship model deals with the problems that arise in relationships more successfully than other models. He defines courtship as “the active, involved authority of the young woman's father in the formation of her romantic attachments leading to marriage.” He goes onto write what is, in my opinion, one of the most balanced approaches to courtship I've come across. He focuses much attention on what is required of the father in these situations and on the potential problems and abuse that can arise with courtship. In dealing with the sample scenarios common to each section, Wilson deals with them realistically and positively.
The third section is by Rick Holland and is titled “The Guided Path”. Holland asserts that no one approach will work for everyone and what is necessary is a set of principles by which to navigate relationships successfully—whether they be courtship or dating. He then proceeds to lay out ten useful principles. These principles are useful, although they seem a bit formulaic. The editor warns that it can be easy to view these as a “checklist” with which to approach a relationship or a platform for legalism. Ultimately, this section seemed useful but didn't really present a different approach to relationships, only a set of tools to approach a relationship with.
The fourth section, however, very definitely presents a very different approach to romance. Jonathan Lindvall writes a dogmatic yet superficial defense of betrothal as the only Biblical option for couples heading to marriage. He makes a case for this from Scripture and from anecdotal experience, but utterly fails to ground it in reality or demonstrate how it would realistically work for the sample couples in the scenarios. In the end, he comes off slightly crazy and his approach seems to be a pie-in-the-sky fantasy, not a really workable approach for most people.
The fifth section is written by couple Jeramy Clark and Jerusha Clark who claim that “young adults who love the Lord and long to please Him can date in a healthy way.” They provide some useful examples and, like Winner and Wilson, present an approach very grounded in reality and very useful for the contemporary single. This section proved to be another of my favorites and the principles they present can be used in any approach—particularly their use of the acronym "HOT" to describe what a couple should be looking for in each other: Holiness; Outrageous (“you must…determine whether or not you enjoy, delight in, and desire a person's companionship. You need to find someone you think is outrageous.”); and Trustworthy.
The book is finished off with two chapters by Chediak; one examines how the book works together as a whole and compares the different methods; the second (an appendix) takes a high-level look at the different methods.
All told, this book rates a solid five stars for overall utility and for the depth and value of four of the five sections. Winner's, Wilson's, and the Clark's section are particularly worthwhile and deserve to be revisited regularly, regardless of what approach to romance you would take.
For me, having tried several different approaches to relationships (from purposeful dating to rigid courtship) and experienced both heartbreak and healthy endings to relationships, I found this book useful as an overview of different approaches, an assurance that it is okay for me to date or to court, depending on the situation, and a review of useful principles.
I did find this book to be light on two specific areas: First, it really doesn't deal with the realities and complexities of long-distance relationship. Nearly everyone of the authors points to the importance of community involvement in your relationship, but this becomes considerably more difficult over distances; as does traditional means of getting to know each other (dates or time spent in groups). My experience has been that long-distance relationships in particular put a couple at risk for getting prematurely emotionally intimate; this danger isn't touched on at all. The second shortcoming is that the book—and the sample scenarios—don't really address the situation of a young man who is ready for marriage but doesn't have immediate marriage prospects surrounding him. They do address the older single lady, but not the equally common situation of an older guy.
Still, this book gets five stars and a well-deserved spot on my library shelf. Whether you are a single Christian or a parent/pastor/teacher/friend of one, get this book and read it.
February 28, 2022
This is another one of those "counterpoint views" books with a slight twist. Every contributor is asked the same questions and given a word count limit to respond to them. Although I am not fully on board with Doug Wilson's view, his essay was clearly the most thought out and systematic. He had clear answers to everything and left nothing untouched. The other essays were lacking in many areas and I could not find a consistent standard to what they were offering.
April 8, 2019
This is one of my favorite books on dating, because it gives five substantially differing perspectives on relationships that are nonetheless all written from a Biblical viewpoint. I suppose that this book could fall prey to accusations of consumerism or individualism ("everyone's gotta choose what works best for them!"); but I prefer to think that it shows a range of ways in which Biblical dating can be lived out, leaving room for discernment and conscience on the part of the reader.
August 30, 2014
I only read Doug Wilson's contribution. Very good summation of courtship! Some helpful explanations and of course, done in true Wilson-style wit.
April 9, 2014
...Overall I thought this book was a good way to approach this subject. I certainly don’t agree with all the viewpoints, but I think it is good to learn about them from an intelligent author who holds that particular view. A downside of this book is that some people may come away more confused and with more questions than answers. Also, though the authors share general advice, overall the book is more about philosophies of premarital relationships than it is practical guidance on relationships. Read More...
September 4, 2009
Great book for discussion!!!
There were pieces of all five I agreed with and pieces of most that I disagreed with personally.
One thing it got me thinking a lot about is the act of emotional intimacy. We (today) take great care to talk about physical/sexual purity, but not emotional purity. A couple of the contributors take the stance that you should not pray together as a couple until you're committed to marriage, as even that is an act that deepens emotional intimacy.
This book is a great worldview stretcher!
There were pieces of all five I agreed with and pieces of most that I disagreed with personally.
One thing it got me thinking a lot about is the act of emotional intimacy. We (today) take great care to talk about physical/sexual purity, but not emotional purity. A couple of the contributors take the stance that you should not pray together as a couple until you're committed to marriage, as even that is an act that deepens emotional intimacy.
This book is a great worldview stretcher!
August 5, 2014
The book offers what it claims to offer: five different approaches to the whole dating/courtship debate. I found it to be a great overview of the different positions involved, and given that it presents each of the views side-by-side, it gave me a lot to think about in comparing/contrasting them. Could have used a bit more interaction between the authors, though.
4 stars.
4 stars.
October 8, 2009
Interesting book...I had no idea there was anyone still promoting a betrothal method of dating. I mostly wanted to read this because I missed Lauren Winner, unfortunatley she only wrote one of the chapters. Not a life-changing book, but not worthless either.
August 2, 2007
My favorite is the Guided Path. It takes maturity, which I have to say, I have a lot of, thank goodness.
May 27, 2015
Great book to read and very informative from all contributors!
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews