Complement: The Surprising Beauty of Choosing Together Over Separate in Marriage

by Aaron Ivey, Jamie Ivey

Does your marriage feel stuck in a rut? Do you feel like you and your spouse are never on the same team? Do you want a flourishing and vibrant marriage, but wonder how in the world to get there?
 
Bestselling authors Jamie Ivey (host of the Happy Hour podcast) and Aaron Ivey have asked these tough questions too, and by God's grace and a lot of elbow grease, they've come out on the other side with a strong and healthy marriage. In  Complement , you'll learn how you can too, as they walk you through the keys to building a satisfying and lasting marriage. With funny, real-life stories and key insights from Scripture, the Iveys can help you unite with your spouse, cheer each other on, respond the right way when you fail each other, and serve one another well—even in conflict or tough times! If you want a strong marriage (or simply to be a better better-half!), the Iveys will show you the way in  Complement.
 

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Parenting, Christianity

320 pages, Hardcover

Published March 2, 2021

About the author

Aaron Ivey is the Pastor of Worship at The Austin Stone Community Church in Austin, Texas, where he pastors a team of three hundred worship leaders, artists, storytellers, and musicians. Aaron has written and produced ten worship albums, and has written hundreds of congregational worship songs that are sung all over the world. His songwriting includes works represented in Worship Together, Jesus Culture, Capital Music Group, Doxology & Theology, and Austin Stone Worship. Passionate about mentoring and developing young leaders and world changers, Aaron spends much of his time communicating on topics of leadership, theology, art, and culture. He and his wife Jamie have been married for fifteen years, and have four children, Cayden, Amos, Deacon, and Story.

Reviews

[Michelle Inman · Rating 2 out of 5]

A really cool idea that just… fell flat for us. Aaron & Jamie Ivey wrote two books that come in a set to be read by husband and wife. They cover a different topic in each chapter, each from their own perspective. Yet, overall we felt like they lacked depth. We would reach our chapters, come together to discuss it, & say, “I feel like they said words but didn’t actually say anything”. Of course, that wasn’t true of the whole book, we still gained some valuable nuggets, just not what we had hoped for. In addition, with books like this I feel like it’s almost assumed that there would be discussion questions for spouses provided at the end of each chapter, which, there wasn’t. All in all, there are just better Christian marriage books out there so read one of those.


Jamie also said, “we were sexually pure in our relationship until our wedding night” which made me want to vomit & start up my Ted Talk on why that’s not a Biblical or helpful thing to say AND that it probably wasn’t true (come on, not a single lustful thought until your wedding night?!). A better statement would’ve simply been, “we didn’t have sex until our wedding night”. But I’ll end there cause I could go on and on.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is actually two small paperback books, joined together in a slipcover. Jamie Ivey wrote one, and Aaron Ivey wrote the other. This is a very creative approach to a marriage book, since both spouses are able to fully express their personality, background, and ideas, without having to merge into a single voice or split up chapters between them. The Iveys wrote the preface and conclusion together, and planned out the subjects for ten chapters, but then wrote the rest independently. They encourage their readers to think of this as two halves of the same book, and to swap them with their spouse, reading both. I've never read anything like this before, and thought it was creative and appealing.

The Iveys write about their preconceived ideas about love, how they have grown, and how they have discovered God's best for their marriage by obeying Him and honoring each other. The chapters cover love, service, cheering for each other, leading, following, fighting, forgiveness, sex, parenting, and living on mission together for God. Aaron and Jamie share similar and distinctive insights about each of these topics, and they address common hang-ups about any talk of submission in marriage, showing how they have both led and followed at different times, in different areas of their lives and marriage.

They challenge culturally constructed ideas and practices from inside and outside of the church, and emphasize the importance of mutual love and sacrifice. I have a few critiques, most significantly that neither of the parenting chapters acknowledge childless couples, but overall, this is a great resource that emphasizes love and God's guidance over regimented rules and expectations. Also, many of the core messages apply to friendships and other relationships as well, and the books are full of practical wisdom for living life with others. I would encourage people who aren't yet contemplating marriage to consider reading this, both to better shape their views about love and to give them practical insight into other close relationships.

My favorite thing about this duology is how individual it is, with both spouses expressing their unique personalities and life experiences through the text. Some readers will connect more with the authors than others, but regardless, you can get a glimpse of how real people have navigated their relationship and dealt with challenges along the way. Although many marriage books make generalized, stereotyped assumptions about husbands and wives, Jamie is the one who likes football, while Aaron is the artistic one, and as they convey their personalities, readers can get an example of how spouses can know and support each other as individuals, instead of adopting stereotyped ideas that don't fit their lives or the nature of their relationship. I enjoyed both books, and would recommend them to married couples, people who are dating or considering marriage, and readers who are interested in life advice for living well with others.

I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Autumn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Does your marriage feel stuck in a rut? Do you feel like you and your spouse are never on the same team? Do you want a flourishing and vibrant marriage, but wonder how in the world to get there? .....With funny, real-life stories and key insights from Scripture, the Iveys can help you unite with your spouse, cheer each other on, respond the right way when you fail each other, and serve one another well--even in conflict or tough times! If you want a strong marriage (or simply to be a better better-half!), the Iveys will show you the way in Complement.
This captivating tag describing Aaron and Jamie Ivey’s dual books, they are about to release, sounds pretty timely. Learning how to be intentional and how your marriage can reflect the truths of the Bible, all while complementing each other, is a good approach to combat the negative outlook that society puts on marriage today. In an age where marriage is seen as a burden, a thing to avoid, or even something that you can easily quit and give up, these books will provide some pushback and offer things to consider that may make people view marriage differently and in a more biblical light.
Each author wrote a book on the same 10 topics without consulting each other and the results are clear that each of them have the same goal in mind. They bring the idea of being one flesh to mind with how in sync they are within these topics.
Aaron and Jamie have relatability. Some of their individual stories echoed experiences or feelings of my own. I read Jamie’s book fully then Aaron’s to compare. Both books are easy to read and I found myself not wanting to put the books down because I wanted to know what else they had to say. While scripture was referenced in each book I felt Aaron’s was a little more saturated. Jamie brought practical application which complemented Aaron’s biblical applications. Both are beneficial but I found myself resonating with Aaron’s book more. I am glad they suggest reading and then swapping to get both perspectives.
I will share a quote from each author that challenged me, “It takes kindness when we want deep in our hearts to tear our husband down. It takes throwing away the scorecard when we desperately want to add up points against him. It takes forgiving when we would feel better keeping a death grip on his wrongdoings. It takes grace when all we want to give is punishment.” -Jamie Ivey Chapter 1
“But there’s a difference between fighting against your spouse and fighting with your spouse. It may seem like semantics, but when the heat turns up in any given moment, you have to make a crucial choice: Will you view your spouse as the opponent you’re trying to defeat, or the friend you’re trying to win back? Will you treat your spouse like a person on the other team, or a person on the same team?” -Aaron Ivey Chapter 6
I hope from these quotes you get a brief glimpse of the practical, biblical advice that is a theme throughout the books.
I plan on reading through these books again with my husband and maybe approaching it chapter by chapter. Swapping then discussing along the way. These books are available March 2nd but can still be preordered from multiple distributors (links below). Also available is a 7-week Bible study format with DVD videos on the various topics in the books along with workbooks for husbands and wifes to complete and share your answers together and foster discussion.
I believe either option would be beneficial to anyone married or not. Someone who is engaged and looking to prepare for what may come up in their upcoming marriage. Married couples who are looking to be reminded of marriage and how it reflects Christ and His church. Or anyone who feels their marriage is in crisis and is looking for help wherever possible. These books have something to offer anyone.
*I received this book free from NetGalley along with B&H Publishing in exchange for an honest review.*
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[Agrangercaploe · Rating 5 out of 5]

These books are a fun picture into their relationship and they give good advice about how to have a marriage and parent in a Godly way. I read both books and learned from each. Here are my favorite quotes from each book:
Jamie’s:
“Yet if we truly want to be like Jesus – if we want our love for our husband to be true love – it must be Jesus love, where we pour ourselves out completely for a man and then leave the results to God. I cannot guarantee that your husband will reciprocate the same type of love for you as you give to him, but I can guarantee you one thing: God will honor your love for your husband, just as he honored the faithful love of his son for his people.”
Aarons:
"It’s kind of like what Jesus said in the Gospel of Matthew: “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. (Matt 6:33) We want to help our children become adults who seek first Gods kingdom and righteousness; the rest will take care of itself.”

[Chris MacLeavy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Be your spouse's loudest cheerleader. Play to each others' strengths in parenting. Fight for each other, not against each other. Serve, submit, and lead together. Each chapter of COMPLEMENT is simultaneously a huge encouragement that we're all sinners who have said 'I do' while reminding us that Christ is our example and Christ-likeness our mutual goal.
The Iveys have delivered punchy, engaging chapters on areas of marriage that include loving, leading, fighting, forgiving, and parenting, Truth be told, I enjoyed Jamie's insights into her struggles and solutions as a wife the most; and she has helped me to have a better posture as a husband every bit as much as Aaron.
COMPLEMENT deserves to be read, highlighted, dog-eared, shared, and discussed many times over by both husbands and wives.

[Brianna Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven’t read a lot (or any?) books about marriage, and even ones that were given as wedding presents just didn’t appeal to me because they felt too much like homework. But this pair of books is easy to read (I read Jamie’s in one sitting), encouraging, straightforward, and actually interesting. I love how they pair their personal experiences with scripture to give a picture of how rich, beautiful, and fun marriage can be. The topics they choose to cover are “basic,” but they discuss them in fresh ways. I’ve found myself thinking about them in my daily interactions with my husband, grateful I read these!

[Brittni Yount · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read through this book in two days! Could have read it in one if I had had time. I enjoyed this book for the sake of hearing people’s story. I love knowing about other people and Jamie Ivey is so open. The one problem I have with this book is I felt like it focused so much on their stories that it didn’t actually talk about how our marriages are complementary. I think I pictured the message of the book. Nonetheless, I still enjoyed it!

[kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Real Gem

Aaron & Jaimie share the story of their real life in a way that I found to be inspiring. At a time when I had lost hope, and belief in myself, and in God, this book restored both. Thank you for sharing your pains and your joys, and most importantly your resolutions and commitments. I hope everyone reads this book, married or not, it will make the world a better place.

[Cheryl · Rating 3 out of 5]

Jamie Ivey, one of my favorite podcasters, and her husband, Aaron Ivey, have written these unique books on marriage, a his and hers. (When I first saw it, I thought of the old “Newlywed Game 😃). “Complement” are side-by-side books on navigating your way through marriage and building a relationship that is a mission to those around you - to make great the name of Jesus while running the race with your spouse. Quick, easy read that would be perfect to read before or during a weekend away!

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

The format of this book makes it a little tricky. It's two books, one by Jamie and one by Aaron, written on the same ten topics. So it can be hard to jump right into the second book, feeling like you just read the same thing. I'd recommend reading Aaron's book first.

That said, lots of solid truth here. Nothing really rocked my world, but it was a good touch point to get me thinking about my own marriage.

[Stephanie Jeannett · Rating 1 out of 5]

The husband/author Aaron Ivey groomed a minor that was in the church for years and cheated on his wife with several men on top of that. And his wife is still with him despite all that. If you wanted to see where complementarian theology gets you here is your prime example. It is a harmful theology that breeds abuse. It’s sick that he abused a minor and it is sick that his wife thinks it’s her godly duty to stay with him. Ick.

[Tom Horn · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was fine, I guess it just wasn't what I expected. With the title "Complement" and this coming as a two-book package (one for men and one for women), I expected this to be about complementarianism. I was hoping for some practicalities and specifics of how complementarianism works itself out in their marriage.

So, it isn't a bad book by any means, it just isn't what I expected.

[Christopher Sweet · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting concept. Not terrible, but not terribly helpful. Very little reliance on scripture, though it is there and there is nothing unscriptural in either book. These books just weren’t as helpful, nor as interesting as I thought they would be.

[Amanda Tungseth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really neat way to write a marriage book...each spouse write a book! I love how one books is written by the husband and one the wife.
Both books are short and easy to read but have lots of great insight for marriage. Also cute stories and humor from their lives.

[Allison Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love this couple! Great marriage advice. I enjoyed it.

[Dan Davidson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind of the typical Christian marriage advice material