What do you think?
Rate this book
The Every Man
Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation
In this world you're surrounded by sexual images that open the door to temptation. They're everywhere -- on TV, billboards, magazines, music, the internet and so easy to access that a fella asks, What to do? If a young Christian man is thinking about pre-marital sex and lust, here are the answers.
229 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2002
201 people are currently reading
1022 people want to read
About the author
Stephen F. Arterburn
257 books154 followersStephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries—the nation's largest faith-based broadcast, counseling, and treatment ministry—and is the host of the nationally syndicated New Life Live! daily radio program aired on over 180 radio stations nationwide, Sirius XM radio, and on television. Steve is also the founder of the Women of Faith conferences, attended by over 4 million women, and of HisMatchforMe.com.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 133 reviews
May 6, 2015
I didn't read this book. I haven't even seen this book - yet. But I have sold it. This is what happened in the bookshop today,
A young local guy, aged something under 20, comes into the shop. He is small, nerdy-looking and has spots. He's very thin and dressed in clothes that don't fit. No one's idea of a Greek god. He wants to know if we have any books on sex addiction. I say I don't think so, but I'll look. I'm quite intrigued. I just don't see how this guy gets lucky enough to get addicted to sex.
I tell him I can order a book for him and to sit down and I'll look for some to find the one he wants. He sits down and begins to surreptitiously pick the scabs off his spots.
Several books come up and I read the blurbs for him. I ask if they are what he is looking for. He says he's not sure. That what he wants really is a book that tells him how to avoid becoming addicted to sex.
He says that he is a Christian and a virgin, but that he feels that if he ever does have sex he will become addicted to it and that would be a sin so he's looking for something that will tell him how to avoid that.
I ask him if he's ever been uh, close, to a girl. He says he's never even had a proper date. But then he says temptation waits around every corner and it is best to be prepared.
He's ordered Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation. I hope it helps him win the war, but personally I've never seen why sex is a sin or virginity equals purity, especially in these days in our part of the world, when women aren't sold as property, guaranteed brand new, complete with 'seal'.
So when the book comes I may read it or perhaps just skim through it. But I doubt it.
A young local guy, aged something under 20, comes into the shop. He is small, nerdy-looking and has spots. He's very thin and dressed in clothes that don't fit. No one's idea of a Greek god. He wants to know if we have any books on sex addiction. I say I don't think so, but I'll look. I'm quite intrigued. I just don't see how this guy gets lucky enough to get addicted to sex.
I tell him I can order a book for him and to sit down and I'll look for some to find the one he wants. He sits down and begins to surreptitiously pick the scabs off his spots.
Several books come up and I read the blurbs for him. I ask if they are what he is looking for. He says he's not sure. That what he wants really is a book that tells him how to avoid becoming addicted to sex.
He says that he is a Christian and a virgin, but that he feels that if he ever does have sex he will become addicted to it and that would be a sin so he's looking for something that will tell him how to avoid that.
I ask him if he's ever been uh, close, to a girl. He says he's never even had a proper date. But then he says temptation waits around every corner and it is best to be prepared.
He's ordered Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation. I hope it helps him win the war, but personally I've never seen why sex is a sin or virginity equals purity, especially in these days in our part of the world, when women aren't sold as property, guaranteed brand new, complete with 'seal'.
So when the book comes I may read it or perhaps just skim through it. But I doubt it.
October 29, 2007
When I was a kid I used to sleep over at my best friend's house, and since he and his family were practicing Christians, I ended up going to a lot of Sunday services with them. We'd sit and listen to the pastor and sing some songs, and often, we'd go back to his house and talk about what we'd heard.
I remember going with him and his brother to Bible study a few times, where I was always shocked to find that I knew more about the Bible than the kids who were there, who could quote a hundred verses off the top of their heads, which was especially surprising to me, because I really didn't know much about the Bible.
I remember one instance where they were talking about the devil being in their heads, butting doubts and thoughts in there, making them think things they didn't want to think. I interrupted and asked if they remembered last week, when the Pastor had pointed out that nowhere in the Bible does the devil tempt anyone, let alone control their thoughts, except in the story of Job, where Lucifer had to ask God's permission first, and God did the lion's share of the tormenting.
"Am I the only one who actually listens to the pastor?" I asked, confused--they didn't have an answer for me.
It was around this point that my best friend's brother, who was also at the bible study, began to have problems with girls in school. Like most of us, he felt awkward about the new feelings he was having, and was more afraid of women than interested in them. He was a tall, blond, blue-eyed football player and girls liked to hang around him, even asking him out, which made him nervous and confused.
He was a few years younger than us and we'd been there, we knew how he felt. His parents decided to try to help him, and at their pastor's suggestion, they bought him this book.
After getting and reading it, his fear and anxiety around women seemed to increase, so me and my friend grabbed it from the coffee table, sat down in his room, and read it. We were still high school kids ourselves and hadn't had sex, but even then, we felt like this book was written by people who knew less about sex and human relationships than we did.
It's a book full of guilt and paranoia: people can't control themselves, especially women, who can't help but try to seduce you, and it's your duty to avoid them, not to look about them or think about them in sexual ways, not to have those thoughts. The fact that these relationships are expressed in terms of combat shows the level of conflict the authors feel appropriate.
But, of course, almost everyone has those thoughts. They are a natural component of how human beings work--attraction, infatuation, love, sex--these things are real, vital parts of life, secular or Christian. He tried to control his thoughts, to make them go away, but it isn't that easy.
When a person spends hours at school surrounded by other teen boys and girls who have bodies and sexual thoughts, then goes home and reads books about sexual thoughts, it's no wonder that those thoughts will consume them. If someone wandered behind you whispering "don't think about sex" over and over again throughout the day, how would you be able to think about anything else?
And perhaps the biggest problem about this book is that it encourages teens who are confused and uninformed to feel guilty, to feel like it's their job to control their thoughts and if they can't, they are failing not only themselves, but the people they are attracted to. Those sorts of negative obsessions can be very powerful, and it's easy for them to take hold, as they did for my friend's brother.
Now, every time he had a thought about the opposite sex, he was suddenly full of guilt, suddenly telling himself over and over "don't think about sex", and getting even more upset when those thoughts didn't go away--which did not make it easier for him to learn to interact with women. The obsession he had with not thinking about sex just gave those thoughts more power and heightened his emotional response.
My friend and I, on the other hand, even though we were going through the same problem, found that as time went on, things got easier. We learned how to communicate with people, the anxiety lessened as we learned that all the stuff we were confused about, all the stuff we didn't know about sex wasn't that big of a deal. We didn't give into those thoughts--we didn't have sex--but we learned to ignore them, to live with them, and we learned that they didn't have to define us or how we interacted with other people. Sure, it was a struggle sometimes, but we never let that struggle define who we are.
The bottom line is, whether you have a positive obsession with sex or a negative obsession with sex, you're still obsessed, and that isn't healthy. Trying to banish your own thoughts is never going to work, because the when you say "I have to get rid of my sexual thoughts", that is you thinking about your sexual thoughts.
It's a problem my friend's brother deals with to this day. He's a sweet guy, an intelligent guy, and he's not crazy, it's just that the anxiety of this has built up so much in his head for so long from books like this that he never had a chance to learn how to interact with people he's attracted to. He even enrolled in a group that helps people with sex addiction, despite the fact that he is still a virgin and in college, because these thoughts and this guilt still keeps him up at night, and prevent him from meeting or befriending women.
It's fine if people want to be abstinent, or if they want to live as Christians and marry as virgins, but this book is not the path to making peace with yourself and your feelings, it's a book that fosters repression and anxiety. Reading through it, I was struck with how the authors talk about sexual thoughts--it became immediately clear that people who repress their sexuality think about sex far more often than I ever have, even as an atheistic teenage boy, I never thought about sex as much as the examples in this book.
This book is not a representation of real life, or of normal human relationships. It is not a tool to help people come to terms with unwanted thoughts, nor will it help anyone to develop a healthy outlook on life and sexuality, Christian or otherwise. This book is full of nonsense and misinformation, and if you are a young man who already feels anxious about sex and women, this book will help to turn that anxiety into constant, life-long fear.
I remember going with him and his brother to Bible study a few times, where I was always shocked to find that I knew more about the Bible than the kids who were there, who could quote a hundred verses off the top of their heads, which was especially surprising to me, because I really didn't know much about the Bible.
I remember one instance where they were talking about the devil being in their heads, butting doubts and thoughts in there, making them think things they didn't want to think. I interrupted and asked if they remembered last week, when the Pastor had pointed out that nowhere in the Bible does the devil tempt anyone, let alone control their thoughts, except in the story of Job, where Lucifer had to ask God's permission first, and God did the lion's share of the tormenting.
"Am I the only one who actually listens to the pastor?" I asked, confused--they didn't have an answer for me.
It was around this point that my best friend's brother, who was also at the bible study, began to have problems with girls in school. Like most of us, he felt awkward about the new feelings he was having, and was more afraid of women than interested in them. He was a tall, blond, blue-eyed football player and girls liked to hang around him, even asking him out, which made him nervous and confused.
He was a few years younger than us and we'd been there, we knew how he felt. His parents decided to try to help him, and at their pastor's suggestion, they bought him this book.
After getting and reading it, his fear and anxiety around women seemed to increase, so me and my friend grabbed it from the coffee table, sat down in his room, and read it. We were still high school kids ourselves and hadn't had sex, but even then, we felt like this book was written by people who knew less about sex and human relationships than we did.
It's a book full of guilt and paranoia: people can't control themselves, especially women, who can't help but try to seduce you, and it's your duty to avoid them, not to look about them or think about them in sexual ways, not to have those thoughts. The fact that these relationships are expressed in terms of combat shows the level of conflict the authors feel appropriate.
But, of course, almost everyone has those thoughts. They are a natural component of how human beings work--attraction, infatuation, love, sex--these things are real, vital parts of life, secular or Christian. He tried to control his thoughts, to make them go away, but it isn't that easy.
When a person spends hours at school surrounded by other teen boys and girls who have bodies and sexual thoughts, then goes home and reads books about sexual thoughts, it's no wonder that those thoughts will consume them. If someone wandered behind you whispering "don't think about sex" over and over again throughout the day, how would you be able to think about anything else?
And perhaps the biggest problem about this book is that it encourages teens who are confused and uninformed to feel guilty, to feel like it's their job to control their thoughts and if they can't, they are failing not only themselves, but the people they are attracted to. Those sorts of negative obsessions can be very powerful, and it's easy for them to take hold, as they did for my friend's brother.
Now, every time he had a thought about the opposite sex, he was suddenly full of guilt, suddenly telling himself over and over "don't think about sex", and getting even more upset when those thoughts didn't go away--which did not make it easier for him to learn to interact with women. The obsession he had with not thinking about sex just gave those thoughts more power and heightened his emotional response.
My friend and I, on the other hand, even though we were going through the same problem, found that as time went on, things got easier. We learned how to communicate with people, the anxiety lessened as we learned that all the stuff we were confused about, all the stuff we didn't know about sex wasn't that big of a deal. We didn't give into those thoughts--we didn't have sex--but we learned to ignore them, to live with them, and we learned that they didn't have to define us or how we interacted with other people. Sure, it was a struggle sometimes, but we never let that struggle define who we are.
The bottom line is, whether you have a positive obsession with sex or a negative obsession with sex, you're still obsessed, and that isn't healthy. Trying to banish your own thoughts is never going to work, because the when you say "I have to get rid of my sexual thoughts", that is you thinking about your sexual thoughts.
It's a problem my friend's brother deals with to this day. He's a sweet guy, an intelligent guy, and he's not crazy, it's just that the anxiety of this has built up so much in his head for so long from books like this that he never had a chance to learn how to interact with people he's attracted to. He even enrolled in a group that helps people with sex addiction, despite the fact that he is still a virgin and in college, because these thoughts and this guilt still keeps him up at night, and prevent him from meeting or befriending women.
It's fine if people want to be abstinent, or if they want to live as Christians and marry as virgins, but this book is not the path to making peace with yourself and your feelings, it's a book that fosters repression and anxiety. Reading through it, I was struck with how the authors talk about sexual thoughts--it became immediately clear that people who repress their sexuality think about sex far more often than I ever have, even as an atheistic teenage boy, I never thought about sex as much as the examples in this book.
This book is not a representation of real life, or of normal human relationships. It is not a tool to help people come to terms with unwanted thoughts, nor will it help anyone to develop a healthy outlook on life and sexuality, Christian or otherwise. This book is full of nonsense and misinformation, and if you are a young man who already feels anxious about sex and women, this book will help to turn that anxiety into constant, life-long fear.
December 24, 2021
I took out Every Young Man's Battle from the library for screenplay research, skim-read it last night and . . . yikes.
Was it as bad as I expected? Worse. Am I surprised? No.
Basically the book is a weird mix of shaming and permissiveness that does actually nothing to empower young men. It goes on and on about how bad lust and porn and masturbation are, with graphic examples of guys who fall into these behaviours, and then gives the solution -- Just don't do it, guys! Remember Jesus is watching!
There's nothing about building healthy relationships with other guys, parents, and women. There's nothing about why you might desire porn in the first place (beyond oh you're a guy and you're born sinful), and how trauma or lack of real connection makes porn more all-consuming. There's nothing about building a well-rounded life that's more than sexual attraction/desire, while also acknowledging that it's totally fine to have sexual attraction and desire.
And there's zero talk of consent.
Worst of all are the stories of real life guys where abusive actions and attitudes are on display (and never called out as abuse), put next to stuff that isn't even a big deal. Abuse and coercion of women is put on the same level as flirting with someone in maths class and admiring women in bikinis.
The entire book doesn't care about women or see them as complete people. According to the authors, lust is bad because God doesn't like it. Not because it destroys relationships with actual real life humans, and indulges in self-gratification at the expense of others.
This book will make any problem it tries to address WORSE because it doesn't deal with the root issues of how to have healthy relationships with yourself and others.
Anyways. 0/10. Would not recommend. Burn all the copies.
Was it as bad as I expected? Worse. Am I surprised? No.
Basically the book is a weird mix of shaming and permissiveness that does actually nothing to empower young men. It goes on and on about how bad lust and porn and masturbation are, with graphic examples of guys who fall into these behaviours, and then gives the solution -- Just don't do it, guys! Remember Jesus is watching!
There's nothing about building healthy relationships with other guys, parents, and women. There's nothing about why you might desire porn in the first place (beyond oh you're a guy and you're born sinful), and how trauma or lack of real connection makes porn more all-consuming. There's nothing about building a well-rounded life that's more than sexual attraction/desire, while also acknowledging that it's totally fine to have sexual attraction and desire.
And there's zero talk of consent.
Worst of all are the stories of real life guys where abusive actions and attitudes are on display (and never called out as abuse), put next to stuff that isn't even a big deal. Abuse and coercion of women is put on the same level as flirting with someone in maths class and admiring women in bikinis.
The entire book doesn't care about women or see them as complete people. According to the authors, lust is bad because God doesn't like it. Not because it destroys relationships with actual real life humans, and indulges in self-gratification at the expense of others.
This book will make any problem it tries to address WORSE because it doesn't deal with the root issues of how to have healthy relationships with yourself and others.
Anyways. 0/10. Would not recommend. Burn all the copies.
January 16, 2014
Got this book at a op shop while passing through Newcastle. Thought it would be funny but actually left me feeling very concerned for anyone who would read it. Wanted to some how give reach out and let them know that there sexuality is natural and ok. I see this as a book that is damaging in many ways. The mental health of anyone reading this and taking the recommendations on would be my greatest concern. As if life isn't hard enough without controlling your sexuality to the point of not masturbating and not authentically communicating with friends of potential sexual partners. It is also extremely mysogonist and archaic in its view and portrayal of women. It also normalises sexual experiences with women that are not consensual. One example being "I now I have pushed a women's boundaries putting putting my hand up her bra". It also paints women who have sex outside of marrige very badly and victims in some way. It also helps people to justify treating these people badly after as if it was not two consenting adults having sex. This is actually really fucked whoever wrote this book, sucks to be that guy!!!! My closing comment would be, when is the god /religion sector gonna learn that SEXUAL REPRESSION IS NEVER GOING TO WORK. All is does is turn people into creeps who I would never want to interact with. Sexuality is always going to find a way to manifest. You can approach it in a way that is healthy and a way that is not. Think all the sexual abuse the that church is dealing with. A product of dysfunctional approach to sex and sexuality.
October 25, 2021
This book is poison to the mind. I say that without engaging in any hyperbole.
I grew up implementing the things mentioned in the book, not only this book but "every man's battle" and the DVD that went along with it.
It approaches sexuality in a very archaic way at ends with modern psychology.
In the "Every Man's" series, they interview male prostitutes, members of broken families and serial killers (yes, they interviewed Ted Bundy) who are all too willing to blame porn and 'lust' for the way they 'ended up'.
I distinctly remember the story of one teenager who watched so much porn that he discovered that he had 'turned gay'.
On the night before his execution, Ted Bundy 'leaked' the earth-shattering relation between violent offenders in prison and their love of pornography. His correlation makes little sense when you consider that;
"A University of Sydney study of 20,000 Australians found 84 percent of men and 54 percent of women had watched porn, and more than half of men and women agreed that pornography could improve sexual relations among adults."
and that,
"The Relationships in America data reveal that 43 percent of men and 9 percent of women report watching pornography in the past week."
Everyone who even has the slightest understanding of human psychology knows that when you make something a "no" in your head, it creates a stronger desire to chase that thing.
My advice to anyone this series has hurt would be to put down this book and approach your internal shame with kindness as you destigmatise your sexual desires. If you believe you have unhealthy habits, take steps to introduce healthier habits. Too much junk food can make you fat, too much alcohol can increase the likeliness of habitual drinking.
Take a step back and focus your attention not on "stopping", not on "judging yourself", but on doing positive things that encourage healthier sexual behaviour. E.g. instead of staying up until your partner goes to sleep to watch porn, see if you can offer them a massage and build some intimacy. It's not what you want to do, sure... you would rather stay up watching porn, but you also would rather eat that entire bag of chocolates and then not go for that run, but if you do that, you'll get fat. I would recommend the book "Mating In Captivity" for an excellent approach to healthy desires.
Things are not as grim as described in this book. If your sexual behaviours are causing severe detrimental effects on your marriage, life or relationship, put down this book and seek professional help from an accredited behaviours therapist, not a pastor or a counsellor, but a psychologist who uses cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)
I grew up implementing the things mentioned in the book, not only this book but "every man's battle" and the DVD that went along with it.
It approaches sexuality in a very archaic way at ends with modern psychology.
In the "Every Man's" series, they interview male prostitutes, members of broken families and serial killers (yes, they interviewed Ted Bundy) who are all too willing to blame porn and 'lust' for the way they 'ended up'.
I distinctly remember the story of one teenager who watched so much porn that he discovered that he had 'turned gay'.
On the night before his execution, Ted Bundy 'leaked' the earth-shattering relation between violent offenders in prison and their love of pornography. His correlation makes little sense when you consider that;
"A University of Sydney study of 20,000 Australians found 84 percent of men and 54 percent of women had watched porn, and more than half of men and women agreed that pornography could improve sexual relations among adults."
and that,
"The Relationships in America data reveal that 43 percent of men and 9 percent of women report watching pornography in the past week."
Everyone who even has the slightest understanding of human psychology knows that when you make something a "no" in your head, it creates a stronger desire to chase that thing.
My advice to anyone this series has hurt would be to put down this book and approach your internal shame with kindness as you destigmatise your sexual desires. If you believe you have unhealthy habits, take steps to introduce healthier habits. Too much junk food can make you fat, too much alcohol can increase the likeliness of habitual drinking.
Take a step back and focus your attention not on "stopping", not on "judging yourself", but on doing positive things that encourage healthier sexual behaviour. E.g. instead of staying up until your partner goes to sleep to watch porn, see if you can offer them a massage and build some intimacy. It's not what you want to do, sure... you would rather stay up watching porn, but you also would rather eat that entire bag of chocolates and then not go for that run, but if you do that, you'll get fat. I would recommend the book "Mating In Captivity" for an excellent approach to healthy desires.
Things are not as grim as described in this book. If your sexual behaviours are causing severe detrimental effects on your marriage, life or relationship, put down this book and seek professional help from an accredited behaviours therapist, not a pastor or a counsellor, but a psychologist who uses cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)
August 25, 2019
Tremendous book! A must read for young men growing up in this generation. A must read for Pastors working with and counseling young men or who have been asked to be accountability partners!
June 17, 2013
While the overall motive of the book is an admirable one, it is executed horribly. The authors go into highly unnecessary sordid detail about their struggle with pornography, which can put images into the reader's mind that are the exact opposite of the pure thoughts the book claims to uphold. As one friend of mine put it, "It's impossible for a male to read this book and not get aroused." If you want a good book on purity, check out Not Even a Hint by Josh Harris. Purity is something God desires for all his children, but there's no need to drag your mind through the gutter to get there.
October 12, 2007
This book is just a toned down version of Every Man's Battle (my review is written below on that book). I did this book with a group of High School guys and it changed their outlook tremendously. It is filled with scripture and practical advice on how to help with lust, perversions, and poor sexual habits. It gets real and becomes intense at times but is a great book to do with others if you are looking for purity. I highly recommend it. Enjoy.
Review for Every Man's Battle:
I read this book ith a group of guys a while back and it blew my mind how graphic and real it was. I almost blushed at the words written on the page. If you read this book with a group of men devoted to "cleaning up their act" and becoming more pure in their walk with Jesus, you will see some major barriers break down. This book helps with the Biblical principle of "iron sharpening iron" and jumps right into what has plagued men since the fall. I have heard of wives even reading this book and giving them a much better insight as to the war that rages on inside of the men of today. It will help sisters in Christ to understand how damaging it is to men when they wear certain clothing or act a certain way. This is a must read for any man who wants to get serious about getting real and getting pure. Enjoy.
Review for Every Man's Battle:
I read this book ith a group of guys a while back and it blew my mind how graphic and real it was. I almost blushed at the words written on the page. If you read this book with a group of men devoted to "cleaning up their act" and becoming more pure in their walk with Jesus, you will see some major barriers break down. This book helps with the Biblical principle of "iron sharpening iron" and jumps right into what has plagued men since the fall. I have heard of wives even reading this book and giving them a much better insight as to the war that rages on inside of the men of today. It will help sisters in Christ to understand how damaging it is to men when they wear certain clothing or act a certain way. This is a must read for any man who wants to get serious about getting real and getting pure. Enjoy.
April 29, 2016
Read this book to help council a young man who was struggling with a porn addiction. Highly recommend this book for any young man to read. Book includes many great Biblical principles on sexual purity. Love the Biblical approach.
July 22, 2017
THE GOOD: This book is very practical, but I'm not entirely sure how to rate this book. For starters, the authors base their whole premise around the assumption that God will not help you, deliver you, or perform some sort of miracle to free you from the sins of sexual bondage.
THE BAD: Assuming that God will not help you, the authors conclude that it is up to us to do something about it; namely, by making a decision to:
1) quit stopping short of God's standards for us
2) and to stop lusting over women (or men!) with our eyes.
"If you are in bondage to masturbation, should you try to break free?" Yes! In order to do so, the authors lay out 4 requirements:
1) Decision to no longer stop short
2) having an accountability partner
3) having active relationship with God
4) and being aware of what affects sex drive
The authors then lay out what should be every man's "Battle plan":
1) defense with your eyes
2) defense with your mind
3) defense with your heart
The authors argue that our focus should ultimately be on:
1) getting closer to God
2) and integrating our sexuality into our Christian lives
Which I believe are attributes every Christian should wish to attain. However, I didn't like the book because it sounded too much like a piece of secular "self-help" literature, akin to a "do-it-yourself" attitude that can only be attained if you try hard and practice constantly.
I believe in God's standards for us, but I also believe God wants to help us attain those standards. In my opinion, the best way to avoid going down a path of sexual sin is to cherish your relationship with God, remain in prayer, and seek out friends and accountable partners who are willing to hold us responsible.
THE UGLY: This book talks about masturbation for almost the entire duration, and although I understand that it is targeted more towards teenagers and young adults, it would have been nice to have more examples of sexual sin involving the opposite sex (although I expect the original book target to adults to be easier to relate to in that regard).
None the less, sexual sin is still sexual sin regardless of which kind it is, and if you are looking for a do-it-yourself approach, I suspect the principles in this book are fairly universal and would hold up against most kinds of sin that are sexual in nature.
I give it 2 stars, simply for putting the pressure entirely on us to succeed, and for almost completely ignoring the power and willingness of God in this domain to help us, lift us, and make us grow.
July 12, 2015
I can show the problem with this book in one Bible verse. Romans 5:20, "The Law came in that transgression might increase." When Christians do nothing but tell people what to do and what not to do, people only sin more.
That's what this book did to me. I became so aware of my lust, that it became worse. In study hall, I condemned people for lusting even though I was lusting. It happened because this book produced an awareness of sin in me.
If you are struggling with lust, you really need to focus on the love and grace of God. Follow a good teacher like Joseph Prince. Also study Romans. It's better than reading this godless book.
That's what this book did to me. I became so aware of my lust, that it became worse. In study hall, I condemned people for lusting even though I was lusting. It happened because this book produced an awareness of sin in me.
If you are struggling with lust, you really need to focus on the love and grace of God. Follow a good teacher like Joseph Prince. Also study Romans. It's better than reading this godless book.
September 9, 2011
I actually only read about half of the book and then quit out of frustration. I really appreciated their book "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle" and plan to use it in a few years with our son. However, this book not only had very similar material (including identical illustrations), but I did not agree with one of the primary points of the book (the M word). I don't see this as being a very practical book for teenage boys.
April 29, 2021
This is one of those WOW!! I'm so glad I picked this book this year! My life is forever changed!! God answered all of my questions through this book! It cause you to read something and the close the book, lay it on your lap and meditate on what you have just read. The author shares his own life/story and he challenges and dares us to change our lives! I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend this book 🙌🏿!
June 29, 2021
The language is very straightforward and sometimes can be even triggering but is a really sound book with very clear ideas and well explained. Highly recommended for those who want to win the battle against impurity and for all those who are not agree with the agenda of the mass media regarding sexuality.
August 14, 2017
A must read for every young man in our world's current state.
April 8, 2023
I read this book to see whether it would be good for my 15-year-old son.
It was hard to choose a rating because the good parts in this book were really good but the lacking parts really disappointed me.
Anyway, here is my two penneth.
Good parts:
+Explains very clearly what God's expectations are yet does not heap condemnation or shame. Seeks to produce only godly sorrow which leads to repentance and which nobody regrets. I thought the balance was really good.
+Had some good practical advice on building a line of defence with the eyes.
+Was not dictatorial in areas where there might be differences of opinion/ interpretation yet it did offer an opinion with reasons.
+It was very real and down to earth, written by people who understand the struggle.
Not so good parts (IMO)
-Doesn't go into what God truly intends and desires in a relationship between a man and a woman. (It gives it some lip service but doesn't go very deep.)
-Somewhat related to previous comment but the book doesn't explain fully WHY God has standards of purity. I think a proper explanation is necessary. I appreciate that in the Bible an explicit explanation isn't given but I think it can be extrapolated. In any case, we have to have a reasonable answer to "why". Not just "Because God says.." (Of course that is a reasonable answer to a committed believer, but not to those who are wavering.)
-On page 140 it says you have to build a line of defense with
1. your eyes
2.your mind
3. your heart
I felt that the "how to" instructions for the eyes was very good, the heart a bit lacking (not deep enough) and the mind very lacking. (But maybe it's just me..)
-The first 91 pages were about trying to persuade young men that they ought to be obeying God. That may be a strong point, I suppose, but I thought I was getting a book about how to fight the battle, not perusading me that the battle needs to be joined. That was 91 pages out of 239 pages.
-Another minus for me is that it is a bit gruesome. Not sure if I want to give it to my son unless he has already fallen into terrible habits. I was rather hoping for something to prevent his downfall. This book is for someone who has already gone off the deep end.
In all, however it was good. I have ordered another of his books to see what else he has to say.
It was hard to choose a rating because the good parts in this book were really good but the lacking parts really disappointed me.
Anyway, here is my two penneth.
Good parts:
+Explains very clearly what God's expectations are yet does not heap condemnation or shame. Seeks to produce only godly sorrow which leads to repentance and which nobody regrets. I thought the balance was really good.
+Had some good practical advice on building a line of defence with the eyes.
+Was not dictatorial in areas where there might be differences of opinion/ interpretation yet it did offer an opinion with reasons.
+It was very real and down to earth, written by people who understand the struggle.
Not so good parts (IMO)
-Doesn't go into what God truly intends and desires in a relationship between a man and a woman. (It gives it some lip service but doesn't go very deep.)
-Somewhat related to previous comment but the book doesn't explain fully WHY God has standards of purity. I think a proper explanation is necessary. I appreciate that in the Bible an explicit explanation isn't given but I think it can be extrapolated. In any case, we have to have a reasonable answer to "why". Not just "Because God says.." (Of course that is a reasonable answer to a committed believer, but not to those who are wavering.)
-On page 140 it says you have to build a line of defense with
1. your eyes
2.your mind
3. your heart
I felt that the "how to" instructions for the eyes was very good, the heart a bit lacking (not deep enough) and the mind very lacking. (But maybe it's just me..)
-The first 91 pages were about trying to persuade young men that they ought to be obeying God. That may be a strong point, I suppose, but I thought I was getting a book about how to fight the battle, not perusading me that the battle needs to be joined. That was 91 pages out of 239 pages.
-Another minus for me is that it is a bit gruesome. Not sure if I want to give it to my son unless he has already fallen into terrible habits. I was rather hoping for something to prevent his downfall. This book is for someone who has already gone off the deep end.
In all, however it was good. I have ordered another of his books to see what else he has to say.
October 17, 2013
This book - which has been praised by so many young and old men alike - was gifted to me when I was just that: a young man. I did, however, not end up reading it for many years later, at least until I was 18. Even still, this book would impact my life way more than I knew it at the time, and would continue to lay down a foundation for biblical manhood and biblical purity long before I reached such a platform in my Christian walk.
As a young man who was addicted to pornography, lust, sex, and all sorts of other devious immoral acts, when I became a Christian, this is one of the books that I went back to, desperately looking for freedom. This book, along with Craig Gross' literature and the ministry of XXX Church helped me to find that freedom in Christ! I have now been a born-again Christian for two and a half years, and have been also been free from pornography for two and a half years! Only by the grace of God do I continue to grow in personal purity, so much so that I am bringing every thought under subjection unto Christ!
If any young man be struggling with purity, or whether he is walking the straight and narrow already, this is a book that men should read.
Brent M. McCulley (10/17/13)
As a young man who was addicted to pornography, lust, sex, and all sorts of other devious immoral acts, when I became a Christian, this is one of the books that I went back to, desperately looking for freedom. This book, along with Craig Gross' literature and the ministry of XXX Church helped me to find that freedom in Christ! I have now been a born-again Christian for two and a half years, and have been also been free from pornography for two and a half years! Only by the grace of God do I continue to grow in personal purity, so much so that I am bringing every thought under subjection unto Christ!
If any young man be struggling with purity, or whether he is walking the straight and narrow already, this is a book that men should read.
Brent M. McCulley (10/17/13)
August 26, 2015
The advice in this book is excellent and should be followed by all men, but I had to take away a couple of stars for two reasons:
1.) The book is (repeatedly) unnecessarily graphic in it's depictions of sexual acts and thoughts. This could very easily cause a young person to stumble.
2.) In several places, the book states that lustful thoughts are adultery. Not "like" adultery, but according to the authors, lustful thoughts constitute actual adultery. The authors don't attempt to follow this idea to it's illogical conclusion, but if their idea was correct, then if a husband ever had a lustful thought during the course of his marriage, it would be scriptural grounds for the wife to divorce him! They base this idea on a misinterpretation of Matthew 5:27-28, where Jesus points out that sin starts in the mind, and that to God seriously contemplating a sin is as bad as committing the sin. This doesn't make the thought and the action the same sin however, just equally wrong. So this passage shouldn't be used in such a way that would create a "loophole" for someone wanting to abandon their spouse.
If you can overlook the two above glaring problems, than the advice in the book is all practical. Just be sure that you read it before you hand it out blindly to young people.
1.) The book is (repeatedly) unnecessarily graphic in it's depictions of sexual acts and thoughts. This could very easily cause a young person to stumble.
2.) In several places, the book states that lustful thoughts are adultery. Not "like" adultery, but according to the authors, lustful thoughts constitute actual adultery. The authors don't attempt to follow this idea to it's illogical conclusion, but if their idea was correct, then if a husband ever had a lustful thought during the course of his marriage, it would be scriptural grounds for the wife to divorce him! They base this idea on a misinterpretation of Matthew 5:27-28, where Jesus points out that sin starts in the mind, and that to God seriously contemplating a sin is as bad as committing the sin. This doesn't make the thought and the action the same sin however, just equally wrong. So this passage shouldn't be used in such a way that would create a "loophole" for someone wanting to abandon their spouse.
If you can overlook the two above glaring problems, than the advice in the book is all practical. Just be sure that you read it before you hand it out blindly to young people.
October 27, 2019
Really, a 3.5. Good scriptures and theology, however far too much description. This book is written solely for young men who are already struggling with sexual sin. If a young man is not struggling but looking for a resource that will help him stay pure before bad habits begin, this book is entirely too detailed and may awaken curiosity.
January 16, 2022
Wish I could give this negative stars.
Read linda Kay Klein’s “pure” for why.
Read linda Kay Klein’s “pure” for why.
May 25, 2024
I think everyone needs to read this book. Men and women it really tells the perspective of a man’s brain and gives great tips.
September 12, 2021
Bună de tot
October 30, 2017
Before I read this book I thought it was just fine to have sexual temptation for a teenager like me. I am a teenage Christian who attends a local youth group. its very challenging to stay pure in America today with all the half naked women on billboards. I listened to the book and started to change my eyes to start looking away from stuff like that. I am here to say that you wont win your first few battles and its hard not to just give up. After 6 weeks I was able to become clean. This is like fighting a war you have to have a strategy. if you know there is a billboard coming up with inappropriate things on it look away. Don't be alone with your phone in your hand. Its also like a war cause, yes you will lose individual battles but then when you begin to win them in your mind you'll win the battle. when you become pure you feel a lot closer to god and you can have whole new relationships with women because you don't see them as objects anymore you start seeing them as human beings who have the same needs and wants the things that you want. this book has changed my relationship with the girls in my life and has also brought me so much closer to God.
July 31, 2014
It doesn’t hurt to look, right guys…and ladies? It’s not cheating as long as I don’t touch. Over the last couple of decades this has become as much of a problem for women as it has historically been for men, thus we have movies like Magic Mike and People’s issue of Sexiest Man Alive. Lust isn’t a new problem for either gender though. You can trace it’s root in women back to Potiphar’s wife, although undoubtedly she’s not the first person to encounter lust.
So what do you think? Does it hurt to look as long as I don’t touch? Jesus certainly thought so!
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
- Matthew 5.27-30
Adultery is the action, but lust is the driving force behind it. Jesus condemns both unequivocally. It DOES hurt just to look! In Every Young Man’s battle Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker compare lust to a sumo wrestler. He wants to get bigger so he eats more. The more you allow yourself to lust the stronger your drive for it becomes and the harder the habit is to break. You’ve fed Sermon on the Mountyour lust sumo wrestler so much that it’s next to impossible to beat him. You’ve got to starve him back down to a manageable size. Cut out all the glances you allow yourself, quit the porn, stop looking at fitness magazines and stop watching provocative shows. Go cold turkey. This is the only way to beat your lust problem. You’ve got to starve it down to a size where you can control it. If you’ve never read Every Young Man’s Battle it’s worth a read. They have several helpful techniques that will help you starve the lust sumo.
At the very heart of our lust problem though is a lack of intimacy. We’re searching for intimacy and we can’t find it so we pervert true intimacy into lust. You need to starve the lust sumo, but if you never deal with the driving force behind your lust, a lack of intimacy, you’re going to wind up feeding your lust again and again. If you’re married work on your intimacy with your spouse. Make sure you’re sharing everything with them. Be completely transparent. You’re also going to need a group of people around you who share your sexual standards that can hold you accountable and encourage you. I feel like this could go unsaid, but just in case…make sure the members of this group are all the same gender as you. Don’t play around with lust or you’ll get burned. The final connection we’re missing that will help us control our lust is intimacy with God. A weekend relationship with your spouse wouldn’t be good enough so only interacting with God on the weekends isn’t going to work either. For more on the intimacy side of controlling lust you can read Tactics by Fred Stoeker. I reviewed it here if you’re interested.
Here’s the weird thing about lust: it doesn’t need to be stamped out, it needs to be controlled. It need direction. Lust is a God-given desire. We’ve abused it and let our lust run wild throughout our lives doing whatever it wants. Lust has a place. That place is within your marriage. There it’s a good thing. Anywhere else it’s just as harmful as adultery.
So what do you think? Does it hurt to look as long as I don’t touch? Jesus certainly thought so!
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
- Matthew 5.27-30
Adultery is the action, but lust is the driving force behind it. Jesus condemns both unequivocally. It DOES hurt just to look! In Every Young Man’s battle Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker compare lust to a sumo wrestler. He wants to get bigger so he eats more. The more you allow yourself to lust the stronger your drive for it becomes and the harder the habit is to break. You’ve fed Sermon on the Mountyour lust sumo wrestler so much that it’s next to impossible to beat him. You’ve got to starve him back down to a manageable size. Cut out all the glances you allow yourself, quit the porn, stop looking at fitness magazines and stop watching provocative shows. Go cold turkey. This is the only way to beat your lust problem. You’ve got to starve it down to a size where you can control it. If you’ve never read Every Young Man’s Battle it’s worth a read. They have several helpful techniques that will help you starve the lust sumo.
At the very heart of our lust problem though is a lack of intimacy. We’re searching for intimacy and we can’t find it so we pervert true intimacy into lust. You need to starve the lust sumo, but if you never deal with the driving force behind your lust, a lack of intimacy, you’re going to wind up feeding your lust again and again. If you’re married work on your intimacy with your spouse. Make sure you’re sharing everything with them. Be completely transparent. You’re also going to need a group of people around you who share your sexual standards that can hold you accountable and encourage you. I feel like this could go unsaid, but just in case…make sure the members of this group are all the same gender as you. Don’t play around with lust or you’ll get burned. The final connection we’re missing that will help us control our lust is intimacy with God. A weekend relationship with your spouse wouldn’t be good enough so only interacting with God on the weekends isn’t going to work either. For more on the intimacy side of controlling lust you can read Tactics by Fred Stoeker. I reviewed it here if you’re interested.
Here’s the weird thing about lust: it doesn’t need to be stamped out, it needs to be controlled. It need direction. Lust is a God-given desire. We’ve abused it and let our lust run wild throughout our lives doing whatever it wants. Lust has a place. That place is within your marriage. There it’s a good thing. Anywhere else it’s just as harmful as adultery.
July 25, 2017
Great book to help young men cope with the many struggles to maintain sexual purity (of mind and body) in our modern world. My fear would be that it would be a condemning book that would cause a sensitive young man to be given lists and lists of dos and don'ts that would be essentially unattainable or to feel like a failure because of his past mistakes. I thought it might end up legalistic and pharisaical, inventing "rules" where God has not spoken. Instead, it was refreshingly honest and insightful. Grace abounded and it is written from the heart of those "who learned the hard way," and would like to pass on the wisdom they learned to help young men avoid some, if not all, of the pitfalls associated with their very natural sexual drive. It was Scriptural and provided strategies rather than rules. But, it deals very straightforwardly with topics like porn, masturbation, wet dreams, etc. So, depending on your sensitivities, it could be a little much for you. I would recommend that it be read and discussed with a trusted adult male and not just handed to your 12-year-old to try and digest and figure out on his own. A young man of 16+ years may benefit from reading it individually, but would benefit more with someone to discuss it with. As a mother of teen girls, it helped me to understand the very real pressures their male friends are struggling with. I have been able to help them understand how to be more sensitive and discerning, to look for young men who at least want to be pure, and to be alert to the dangers they face from those men who do not care about sexual purity at all.
February 28, 2017
Reading a book like "Every Young Man's Battle" is an eye-opening experience, with its frank discussions of such topics as sexual attraction, masturbation, and pre-marital sex. However, it is also an extraordinary challenge, as the author of this book proclaims religious teachings that are quite strict when compared to the "real world".
In this book, Stoeker exhorts a philosophy of absolutely no sexual experiences before marriage whatsoever. This includes sex (obviously), masturbation, or even things that seem simple like kissing or even being alone with a person in the wrong circumstances.
On the one hand, his teachings make sense. The whole goal of his message is to bring people closer to God by abstaining from sexual practices before marriage. Without that "distraction", so to speak, it stands to reason that one can become closer to God.
On the other hand, some of his more hard-line guidelines seem nearly impossible to follow. I know it makes sense what he is saying, but reading this book gave me the feeling that I will never succeed at the battle for sexual purity.
Overall, this is a challenging book that will throw many hot-button issues at you regarding sexuality as a man. I understand the message, but it seems like such a large hill to climb. That is why the material is so challenging. It takes everything the world tells you and turns it on its ear. That's a good thing, spiritually, but almost frightening to consider implementing in your own live.
In this book, Stoeker exhorts a philosophy of absolutely no sexual experiences before marriage whatsoever. This includes sex (obviously), masturbation, or even things that seem simple like kissing or even being alone with a person in the wrong circumstances.
On the one hand, his teachings make sense. The whole goal of his message is to bring people closer to God by abstaining from sexual practices before marriage. Without that "distraction", so to speak, it stands to reason that one can become closer to God.
On the other hand, some of his more hard-line guidelines seem nearly impossible to follow. I know it makes sense what he is saying, but reading this book gave me the feeling that I will never succeed at the battle for sexual purity.
Overall, this is a challenging book that will throw many hot-button issues at you regarding sexuality as a man. I understand the message, but it seems like such a large hill to climb. That is why the material is so challenging. It takes everything the world tells you and turns it on its ear. That's a good thing, spiritually, but almost frightening to consider implementing in your own live.
May 16, 2023
SUMMARY OF ISSUES
• Every Young Man’s Battle is gratuitously graphic. It tells boys that to defeat lust they must avoid all sexual material, but then gives salacious descriptions of porn, oral sex (“paradise”, p. 31), masturbation, and much more.
• Objectifies girls and women (“any bouncing breasts that mosey by”, p. 142), failing to recognize that the root of lust is not maleness (“we got there naturally, simply by being male”, p. 55) but inability to see women as whole people.
• Bulldozes over consent, portraying date rape situations as normal dating interactions, while ignoring girls’ experiences.
• Paves a route to lust recovery that is will-power based that has been shown to create hyper-vigilance and shame.
• Written by a team with no expertise in this area other than the fact that they are self-proclaimed former sex addicts.
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE IS OVERLY AND GRATUITOUSLY EXPLICIT AND TITILLATING
• Desensitizes readers to graphic sexual content in the very first pages of the book, including, “Diana Ross poured a bucket of ice on her boss’s belly just as he orgasmed, which seemed to intensify the experience” (p. 8); and graphic descriptions of the non-consensual porn one of the authors prefers.
• Includes many graphic descriptions of masturbation and past sexual exploits; the joys of receiving oral sex; the content of their favorite porn and what turns them on. Just one of hundreds of examples: “When some hot-looking babe in a French bikini walks by your beach towel, your eyes have the habit of locking on her, sliding up and down. When the cheerleader with the biggest breasts walks past you in the hall, your eyes run away with her. When the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue arrives in your mailbox every February, you fantasize over the curves and crevices…” (p. 141).
• While insisting porn is bad, describes in detail how to find porn-like images elsewhere–beach volleyball; department store catalogs; lingerie ads; even exercise videos: "John wakes up early to watch those morning exercise shows: ‘I feel absolutely compelled to watch, to catch the closeups of the buttocks, breasts, especially the inner thighs.’" (p. 37)
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE OBJECTIFIES GIRLS AND DISCOUNTS THEIR EXPERIENCE
• Features graphic sexual descriptions of females: “full-breasted woman in a teensy-weensy bikini” (p. 147); “full-busted sweaters, and the hot-looking babes who wear them (p. 51). Nicknames a minor girl Betty Jo “BJ” Blowers because she gives oral sex (p. 29). References “any bouncing breasts that mosey by” (p. 142), as if girls are disembodied breasts.
• Ignores girls’ agency and experience. Suggests you should treat a girl with respect to honor her father rather than to honor her (p. 202). Describes pressuring a former girlfriend into an abortion, but focuses on the pain this caused him rather than what he did to her. Never mentions the effects on girls of being masturbated to or lusted after.
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE NORMALIZES COERCION AND CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR
• Describes abusive and/or criminal behavior as part of “normal” male sexuality, including: indecent exposure, such as masturbating in a car in front of the school (pp. 64, 153), coercion and sexual assault (pp. 211, 213), statutory rape (p. 31), non-consensual and fetishized porn (p. 32) None of this is called criminal or even abusive.
• Normalizes sexual harassment, including cat-calling (p. 160); masturbating to images of classmates (especially scary in the age of sexting) (p. 191); rubbing genitals against girls (p. 108).
• Has multiple references to “pushing past her boundaries” (p. 210), without noting that pushing past a girl’s “no” is coercion and constitutes sexual assault. Never mentions the crucial concept of consent.
• Describes marital sex as a husband “taking” from the wife, portraying even good sex as inherently predatory (p. 103).
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE CAN MAKE THE PROBLEMS WITH SEXUAL SIN WORSE
• Rather than addressing the attachment issues or childhood trauma at the heart of much sexual compulsion, paints victory as merely a matter of will-power, which, readers are assured, will take just six weeks (p. 142).
• Fails to mention that boys can be victims of child sexual abuse, ignoring the role trauma plays in sexual compulsions. States that men commit “100% of rapes” (p. 55), ignoring the possibility that adult women can victimize boys.
• Advocates boys “bounce their eyes” from women (p. 148). However, this still frames girls as objects to avoid. Avoiding females can create lust problems by seeing girls and women as “the other” rather than as full, whole, real people. Also, studies have found that attempted suppression of sexual thoughts increases the intensity and frequency of those thoughts (see Yanav Efrati, 2018). Hypervigilance makes the problem worse without dealing with the root.
• Frames normal sexual feelings as sin: Not finding one’s relationship with God as tantalizing as her breasts (p. 77); getting an erection from a “hot movie scene” (p. 59).
• Misrepresents intimacy, showing no understanding of the value of emotional vulnerability in relationship, and instead insists that women want emotions while men do not. Paints boys and men as not being fully realized humans (p. 212).
SYNOPSIS OF FINDINGS
While teaching boys about healthy sexuality and avoiding getting lured into pornography is a laudable and important goal, this book misses the mark completely. Its graphic descriptions of porn, masturbation, and illicit behavior can actually create the very problems it’s trying to prevent by putting ideas in boys’ minds that are hard to erase. Fails to note that the root of lust is the objectification of women, instead continuing to objectify in their road to recovery. Presents a strategy of lust prevention that has been found to intensify hyper-vigilance while creating cycles of shame that feed lust issues.
• Every Young Man’s Battle is gratuitously graphic. It tells boys that to defeat lust they must avoid all sexual material, but then gives salacious descriptions of porn, oral sex (“paradise”, p. 31), masturbation, and much more.
• Objectifies girls and women (“any bouncing breasts that mosey by”, p. 142), failing to recognize that the root of lust is not maleness (“we got there naturally, simply by being male”, p. 55) but inability to see women as whole people.
• Bulldozes over consent, portraying date rape situations as normal dating interactions, while ignoring girls’ experiences.
• Paves a route to lust recovery that is will-power based that has been shown to create hyper-vigilance and shame.
• Written by a team with no expertise in this area other than the fact that they are self-proclaimed former sex addicts.
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE IS OVERLY AND GRATUITOUSLY EXPLICIT AND TITILLATING
• Desensitizes readers to graphic sexual content in the very first pages of the book, including, “Diana Ross poured a bucket of ice on her boss’s belly just as he orgasmed, which seemed to intensify the experience” (p. 8); and graphic descriptions of the non-consensual porn one of the authors prefers.
• Includes many graphic descriptions of masturbation and past sexual exploits; the joys of receiving oral sex; the content of their favorite porn and what turns them on. Just one of hundreds of examples: “When some hot-looking babe in a French bikini walks by your beach towel, your eyes have the habit of locking on her, sliding up and down. When the cheerleader with the biggest breasts walks past you in the hall, your eyes run away with her. When the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue arrives in your mailbox every February, you fantasize over the curves and crevices…” (p. 141).
• While insisting porn is bad, describes in detail how to find porn-like images elsewhere–beach volleyball; department store catalogs; lingerie ads; even exercise videos: "John wakes up early to watch those morning exercise shows: ‘I feel absolutely compelled to watch, to catch the closeups of the buttocks, breasts, especially the inner thighs.’" (p. 37)
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE OBJECTIFIES GIRLS AND DISCOUNTS THEIR EXPERIENCE
• Features graphic sexual descriptions of females: “full-breasted woman in a teensy-weensy bikini” (p. 147); “full-busted sweaters, and the hot-looking babes who wear them (p. 51). Nicknames a minor girl Betty Jo “BJ” Blowers because she gives oral sex (p. 29). References “any bouncing breasts that mosey by” (p. 142), as if girls are disembodied breasts.
• Ignores girls’ agency and experience. Suggests you should treat a girl with respect to honor her father rather than to honor her (p. 202). Describes pressuring a former girlfriend into an abortion, but focuses on the pain this caused him rather than what he did to her. Never mentions the effects on girls of being masturbated to or lusted after.
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE NORMALIZES COERCION AND CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR
• Describes abusive and/or criminal behavior as part of “normal” male sexuality, including: indecent exposure, such as masturbating in a car in front of the school (pp. 64, 153), coercion and sexual assault (pp. 211, 213), statutory rape (p. 31), non-consensual and fetishized porn (p. 32) None of this is called criminal or even abusive.
• Normalizes sexual harassment, including cat-calling (p. 160); masturbating to images of classmates (especially scary in the age of sexting) (p. 191); rubbing genitals against girls (p. 108).
• Has multiple references to “pushing past her boundaries” (p. 210), without noting that pushing past a girl’s “no” is coercion and constitutes sexual assault. Never mentions the crucial concept of consent.
• Describes marital sex as a husband “taking” from the wife, portraying even good sex as inherently predatory (p. 103).
EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE CAN MAKE THE PROBLEMS WITH SEXUAL SIN WORSE
• Rather than addressing the attachment issues or childhood trauma at the heart of much sexual compulsion, paints victory as merely a matter of will-power, which, readers are assured, will take just six weeks (p. 142).
• Fails to mention that boys can be victims of child sexual abuse, ignoring the role trauma plays in sexual compulsions. States that men commit “100% of rapes” (p. 55), ignoring the possibility that adult women can victimize boys.
• Advocates boys “bounce their eyes” from women (p. 148). However, this still frames girls as objects to avoid. Avoiding females can create lust problems by seeing girls and women as “the other” rather than as full, whole, real people. Also, studies have found that attempted suppression of sexual thoughts increases the intensity and frequency of those thoughts (see Yanav Efrati, 2018). Hypervigilance makes the problem worse without dealing with the root.
• Frames normal sexual feelings as sin: Not finding one’s relationship with God as tantalizing as her breasts (p. 77); getting an erection from a “hot movie scene” (p. 59).
• Misrepresents intimacy, showing no understanding of the value of emotional vulnerability in relationship, and instead insists that women want emotions while men do not. Paints boys and men as not being fully realized humans (p. 212).
SYNOPSIS OF FINDINGS
While teaching boys about healthy sexuality and avoiding getting lured into pornography is a laudable and important goal, this book misses the mark completely. Its graphic descriptions of porn, masturbation, and illicit behavior can actually create the very problems it’s trying to prevent by putting ideas in boys’ minds that are hard to erase. Fails to note that the root of lust is the objectification of women, instead continuing to objectify in their road to recovery. Presents a strategy of lust prevention that has been found to intensify hyper-vigilance while creating cycles of shame that feed lust issues.
January 29, 2016
Having first read Every Man's Battle, I came into this book already knowing about 60% of the lessons that would be taught. The lessons hold true for both books, with every young man's battle having a younger and more relaxed tone, taking ample opportunities to interject some of the vernacular of teenagers. As a young man in my 20s, I sometimes found this distracting, but the author still presented the truths in an uncompromising way. What sets Every Young Man's Battle apart from Every Man's Battle is it's focus on strong issues of single young men: validation, the sex drive, and masturbation. This filled in some of the gaps left by Every Man's Battle (as the book focused on married men). Overall I recommend this book to any young or single man looking to find freedom from the lures of sexual temptation.
June 22, 2017
I found this when looking for a different book, read the beginning, and ended up reading it straight through over the next 3-4 hours. This book works through a conversation that desperately needs to be had for many people, and it does it in a clear and readable way. It puts forth reasonable conclusions about Christianity and sexuality, and backs them up with Biblical references, while keeping in mind the real pressures of emotional and chemical imbalance in the body and mind. It is rather evocative in its descriptions at times, so it might be better suited to someone who is struggling with this question already rather than to someone who is new to the battlefield— but all the same, it's an excellent discussion of Christianity, sexuality, and authentic manhood. No one wants to talk about this stuff, but that's why it needs to be discussed.
November 9, 2010
I was impressed by this book even more than "Every Man's Battle" for some reason. The authors hit the subject head on and while parents will wince when thinking about having their teen boys read it, the fact of the matter is that our sons have been (or soon will be) exposed to every word/concept/activity that is discussed (fathers, think honestly about when you were first exposed to these things).
I appreciated the balance between setting clear standards and also communicating grace recognizing that most young men will fail in this area even when strong convictions have been built up.
As difficult as this subject it, I'm looking forward to passing this on to my sons as they reach the appropriate age.
I appreciated the balance between setting clear standards and also communicating grace recognizing that most young men will fail in this area even when strong convictions have been built up.
As difficult as this subject it, I'm looking forward to passing this on to my sons as they reach the appropriate age.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 133 reviews