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128 pages, Paperback
Published February 6, 2020
‘The cat brought me a huge cockroach as a trophy and left it in the middle of the living room—the first cockroach of the season, they’re so exuberant that it’s hard to understand why we find them so unpleasant, they’re practically an ode to life with how plump and juicy they are.’
‘I’m trying to determine my limits, it’s a form of extreme therapy. Provoking your body until it finally reacts, as if to a vicious brand of yoga—Your mom wrote to me inquiring after the plants and the cats. How are you, she asked me, how are you—everything OK? You’d have to be an idiot to let a ficus die. Champagne in Las Violetas and afterward a thousand beers at the Chinese bar next to the bookshop. I doubt that I actually like beer, I think I’m only trying to shut down the demands of corporeality.’
‘Whiskey on ice after wine after beer. This stretch of the night transpires on a loop, gazing at the spoon, lighting the cigarette, golden whiskey slipping across silvery ice cubes.’
‘I eat a few pieces of cheese and some olives, I drink what’s left of the flat Inca Kola, inside of me everything’s churning. I remember those months when I never had a problem eating, I didn’t drink or smoke, my skin was beautiful and I felt good, morally superior even.’
‘It’s the constellation of ideas around the cockroach, not the bug itself. I believe in instant karma; a while ago I killed a bug and it felt like an accomplishment, I even dared to call myself brave again. Now the bodies of dead cockroaches torment me, stare me down with their absurdly long antennae. Sickeningly perfect, like every creature.’
‘Believing in magic transcends the inimical binary. Why not be more naïve? Why do we always denigrate the intuitive? Care should be intuitive. Not hurting oneself or others should be intuitive, not putting oneself above any other being.’
‘I left half a ripe pink grapefruit covered in plastic wrap in the fridge. I was fascinated by the compression of the plastic on its surface keeping its freshness intact. Slapped on the plate it looks like a vital organ or an obscure saltwater animal that’s been wrenched from its environment. An animal so strange that it looks like a plant, an anemone. Very marine, one that can be found only by diving, which glows in the darkness at the bottom of the sea.’
‘It’s my job, I told him, and he said, how sweet. If it were just that, it really would be sweet, but every day I feel that it’s more like a cage I’ve gotten myself into and then swallowed the key.’
‘I marvel at the evolution of my wound. The bruise passes through a whole spectrum of colors and the scab where the cat bit me shrinks slowly into nonexistence. It makes me feel strong to have these wounded legs, like the wild girls of my childhood, climbing up trees as I ached with fear and desire from below.’
‘All I can think about in the summer is the ocean, and by any criterion, beaches or rock formations, I choose Argentina. You tried to make me feel bad about loving its coarse sand, cold water, and violent wind, but to no avail. I’ll never be one of those girls who say they’re going to “Uruguay” when we all know perfectly well that they mean Punta del Este and that Punta del Este is not Uruguay but an alien, dystopian place whose inhabitants can wear only white.’
‘I still can’t sleep more than an hour or two straight. I thought I might be able to sleep more soundly with the corticoids but nothing so far. I really feel like smoking, or maybe I don’t feel like smoking any more than usual but since I’m not allowed the urge is more intense. It would be a good time to give it up again but I don’t even want to risk trying so I won’t have to face the further frustration of failure if I can’t.’
‘He showed me some songs he wrote, he’s a musician. I liked them. I think he expected something more specific in return; I told him I’m not exactly known for my musical knowledge or sense of rhythm. We’ll see if it manages to hold together like this, our asymmetrical desire; in this case it’s not like one has more and the other less, but that we have different expectations, expectations made of different materials that don’t quite mesh, but they don’t conflict with each other, either. I’ll see how it goes, I don’t want to force any changes, keeping still may also be an answer.’
‘I’m blowing smoke rings, the years I didn’t smoke are out the window, as if that never happened; I’ve surrendered to aesthetic vice. And it’s not just the going up in smoke, the neighbors’ noise is exhausting, they’re like beasts, they howl. The ceiling is opening up, like in that story I must have told you a thousand times, although I don’t have much confidence that you’d remember.’
I was captivated by your confidence in who you were. I was lucky if I could occasionally grasp a fleeting sense of myself from the contours of clothing against my flesh, but you were already wholly yourself, clearly cut out from your surroundings by a die you’d long since cast aside. You seemed to know a lot about everything.
Although there’s something captivating in the image of me as a famished little orphan girl it’s unlikely that I’ll ever wear that light blue dress, the dress of a girl out browsing the meadows around your parents’ house in search of greens for the evening me.
And as always, trying not to be late, I end up being way too early.
It’s hard for me to leave a place and just as hard to return. When I’m at home I don’t want to go anywhere but when I’m out I never want to go back.
We were kissing, I was on top of you,
and suddenly you looked me in the eye: What is it with you? What do you want? you said. This was before the notebook, I’m sure of that. We didn’t have cats yet. You didn’t know how to take care of anything either.
I feel like a child who has to be constantly entertained to keep it from having a meltdown.
That the cat I gave you attacked me is probably one big metaphor for something I don’t understand because the pain and the urgency of putting everything back in its place isn’t letting me poetically relate the immediate facts to a life full of broken glass.
A setup contrived to make me feel rejected, even in my own imagination.
It’s not like I really want to hurt myself, it was just an imaginative reflex that invoked the scenario, but it does give me pause. It’s certainly fascinating what it reveals, though I could never just surrender myself to injury that way, however attractive I find the idea of someone risking everything to save me.
I always imagined it would be too big for me,
maybe because I always felt small, as if my imagination was inhibited by a sense that the dress was for grown-up people who got married.
I’m lacking the drive that turns desire into action; I think they call it will.
Familiarity is oppressive, the process of getting to know each other, getting closer. I already decided long ago that my personal universe is unpresentable.
Suicide’s not a common death, people look at you differently. You could be just a girl until a death like that touches you. Then you’re the person everyone’s afraid to talk to about certain things. Parents can’t be mentioned, even simple happiness. You know, know that people avoid showing you their good fortune. At times that hurts more than the death itself, because the silence is obtrusive. It’s so clumsy the way people navigate others’ tragedies. I don’t think I’ve had a relaxed conversation since my mother died, and that certainly wasn’t my choice.