Want: 8 Steps to Recovering Desire, Passion, and Pleasure After Sexual Assault

by Julie Peters

Readers of The Body Keeps the Score , The Deepest Well and Trauma Stewardship should read Recovering Desire after Sexual Assault . Have the courage to heal. We know, increasingly, how common and devastating sexual violence is for women, but we don’t always talk about how survivors can recover from the trauma and return to desire, sexuality, trust, and pleasure. Want is the story of how Julie Peters did just that―and how you can, too. Move past the fog of trauma. In the years after the assault, Julie was in what she calls the fog of trauma : the colorless, tasteless experience of barely getting through the day. No one―not counsellors, support groups, or other survivors―could give her any advice about how to find the desire that could bring her back to joy, intimacy, and connection. She had to make it up on her own. In Want , Julie tells the story of getting from the devastation of trauma to living a full life in eight sometimes challenging, often bumbling, and occasionally delightful steps. Experience hope, healing and recovery. We have plenty of stories about the helplessness, frustration, and vengeful feelings that can follow trauma. Culturally, we have started a conversation about these experiences, and we’re all confused about what this all means for our relationships with each other. We need stories of hope, healing, and recovery. Survivors of assault, if you've been thinking to yourself, "I thought it was just me," Julie is here to show you that you are not alone. Your loved ones may not know how to support you, but they can learn more about your experiences and how to walk alongside you through this book, just as you can learn how to recover from the trauma you've experienced. Want offers a window into one person’s experience of recovery―plus the happy ending we all need to know is possible after trauma.

Genres: Self Help

250 pages, Paperback

Published April 30, 2019

About the author

Julie Peters is a yoga teacher and writer on topics of yoga and wellness. She is a biweekly columnist for Spirituality & Health. She has represented Vancouver twice in the Women of the World Poetry Slam. She is co-owner and operator of Ocean and Crow Yoga Studio in Vancouver, British Columbia.

Reviews

[Chandni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal-everyone should read this! Written from the heart with so much wisdom and love.

This book is phenomenal and I’m so happy I read it especially since I have experienced trauma from childhood sexual assault. I couldn’t put down the book but I also had to pace myself because there was so much in there and I wanted to make sure I absorbed it. Julie discusses the challenging journey sexual assault survivors go through, and I felt so validated and supported. I also really appreciated the tools and resources in the book as well that I have been using on this healing journey. Healing is never straightforward but reminders/tools/quotes/journaling activities from this book have really supported and empowered me to look at sexual assault from a different lens (one that doesn’t disempower women). It made me think critically, be honest with myself, and to take up space. Julie also does a fantastic job of explaining toxic masculinity that exists within our society, the reasons why it exists, what we (humans) can do to change this and the need for men to be part of this conversation. I constantly found myself reading bunch of quotes and sharing resources to my partner and now he is reading the book!

This book offers so much and I hope everyone, not just survivors of sexual assault, will take time to read it because it made me feel like I could be human and be myself. I recommend this book 100%!!! I am going to read it again because there is so much wisdom in it and I can’t wait to share it with a book club!

[Carly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read for anyone healing from trauma!

Julie has a beautiful way of illustrating the reality women face on their road to recovery from sexual trauma. If you have friends going through trauma, this book will help support you to be a better friend to them. Great read for any woman in this day and age!

[a dog who learned to read · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ok I skipped the last 10 pages or so but anyway this book is tragic. I really liked the parts where she talked about her experiences and her life, but sadly the book mostly moves away from these funny and well-written personal nuggets to go into a kind of half-pseudo-academic place of speculation for the hows and whys of heterosexual interpersonal relations, gender roles, and how you can direct your "erotic energy" (sexual but also non sexual, fyi) into like sculpting a moose from Babybel wax or whatever.

Peters takes the opportunity every chapter to remind us that men can also experience pain and abuse, which has the vibe of a parent desperately trying to convey to a five year old currently drawing a big egg on the kitchen wall that "eggs can have yolks". I know babe. Like I get that a lot of society hasn't really slurped up this fact, but personally I already know about it. This book is super concerned with presenting men as equal victims of patriarchal systems, which is pretty tiring. This extract is peak:

"Up until that point, I had always felt that the moment a man showed any sign of violence, I would head for the hills. This is a good survival strategy (and I'm sticking to it), but I didn't realise how much I was dehumanizing men in the process."

Girl... what?

She also constantly refers to people one might date or have relationships with as "our/my others" which creeps me out a lot, like okay I get it you're an Edwardian ghost haunting my family's new home.

Anyway I looked on her website and she sells "moon goddess meditations" for $69.

[Davina Kotulski · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a clinical psychologist who has worked with survivors for many years. I learned something new in the first three pages of the book. I was hooked by the first chapter and kept reading, despite the unbearably small font size of the paperback. But don't let that stop you from the powerful personal narrative in this book backed up with extensive research and Peter's wry humor.By page 5 I was saying "wow." I appreciated her attention to diversity issues, including being inclusive of gender non-binary, trans and LGB realities. This book has great exercises. It's deep, provocative, with solid research and a thoughtful social critique on women's realities. Peter's isn't afraid to say what needs to be said. This books is for all woman, not just women who've experienced sexual assault. It could also be helpful for gender non-binary, trans, and male survivors and mentions that. Highly recommend!

[Topicofinterest · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was introduced to this book by it's author and upon reading the description I ordered a copy immediately.

The book was exactly want I needed. Having survived sexual abuse and multiple other traumas in my life, I didn't know how to put myself back together. Sure I have read countless other books over the past two decades, sought therapy etc., and while many of this did help and offer guidance none of them broke it out as well as Julie did in this book.

Focusing on the healing capacity fo the body, our mind and our sexual beings, I was able to use this book as a guide to clear the fog, shame and pain, that was still holding me back.

I am sure that this book will be re-read countless times and I have already shared it with many others.

It's not what you survived, it's that you survived. You are not alone.

[Jeremy Loveday · Rating 5 out of 5]

Want: 8 Steps to Recovering Desire, Passion, and Pleasure After Sexual Assault is an intimate and courageous book. Julie Peters generously and skillfully offers her wisdom and her stories to help others heal. As a cis-man who is interested in healthy masculinities and learning what it means to support survivors, I appreciate all that I learned from this book. Even though the topic is heavy and deeply personal, I was surprised by the playfulness of the writing and by my desire to keep turning pages. Strongly recommended.
- Jeremy Loveday, Spoken Word Poet & Victoria City Councillor

[CC · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve struggled to understand sexual assault when the experience wasn’t something extremely violent physically. The book helps me understand what sexual assault is and how it could happen. It also helps me identify one of the two thoughts I have that were extremely confusing to me (and assured me that I’m not crazy):

1) mind and body can be in non-concordance. Body can react to stimuli while the mind may not follow (mentally you can feel violated and say no while physically your body reacts to stimuli) and this doesn’t justify abuse. This is also what causes dissociation when mentally you check out during an assault. (P281; 285)

2) “any intimate &loving touch brings up the profound pain of abuse” - intimacy can remind us the experience of being loved as opposed of being used (trigger the memory of trauma). And this is something we need to grief. (P294)

3) after the trauma, it’s imp to find a partner that can support our emotional need and healing need. If we want to stop doing anything, they can be in present with us, instead of feeling awful about how trauma changed us and be with someone that is not available/ mature enough emotionally to support us. Imp step to build trust in a relationship.

[Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I felt deeply affected by this book. To me, it is essential reading for anyone socialized as a woman. It’s a treasure trove of information, interwoven with the author’s personal narrative and delightful humor that takes you by surprise. The tools and exercises empower you to continue doing your own healing long after you’ve finished reading. Peters never dodges the big questions and confidently guides you through this complex terrain. It's a book I keep going back to again and again.

[Li · Rating 1 out of 5]

I did not find anything of use for me within the pages of this book. It seems a personal memoir of how one person picks herself up through a tumultuous life. Seemed basic life lessons and not a book with serious steps to reawaken the passion within.