Four Lessons From My Three Sons: How You Can Raise A Resilient Kid

by Jeff Nelligan

Every Dad and Mom in America wants to raise a resilient kid. "Four Lessons From My Three Sons" explains how it's done - and how it propelled the author's sons to the U.S. Naval Academy, Williams College and West Point. Written by a good-natured but unyielding father, this slim volume describes how his off-beat and yet powerful forms of encouragement helped his sons obtain the confidence and character needed to achieve personal success and satisfaction. This book isn't 300 pages of popular child psychology or a fatherhood "journey" filled with meaningless jargon and whining equivocation. It's tough and hard and fast.Nelligan used the everyday word of Dads and sons to punctuate virtuous - and appalling - behavior with comic and sometimes grimly ironic exhortations. "Dad's sayings" - as his sons called them - became a pounding soundtrack in the boys' lives, shaping their fundamental perspectives and behaviors. The result? You see where they went to college; the rest of their bios are inside the book. In 60 minutes, this book will give Dads and Moms a new look at family relationships, parenting boys, and most of all, a new way of interacting with their sons. Contained here are the fundamental steps you can take to raise a confident, alert, and ambitious son. That's because success in anything follows the resilient kid.

Genres: Nonfiction

89 pages, Paperback

Published May 22, 2019

About the author

Jeff Nelligan is the father of three boys and a well-known commentator in the world of American parenting. His most recent work, the 2nd Edition to "Four Lessons from My Three Sons - How You Can Raise a Resilient Kid, details how he helped guide his sons through childhood and adolescence to the U.S. Naval Academy, Williams College, and West Point. The first edition was featured on National Public Radio (NPR), and in Parents Magazine, Fatherly and numerous other parenting publications. His prior work - "Your Kid’s Rebound from Pandemic Lockdowns," explains how parents can reverse the damage to their childrens' mental health and physical well-being caused by school closures and society-wide shutdowns. Currently a senior executive at FDA, Nelligan formerly worked for three Members of the U.S. Congress and served twice as a Presidential appointee. An Army Reserve veteran, he is a of Polynesian ancestry (Māori Indian, New Zealand) and a graduate of Williams College, Georgetown University Law School, and the French Army Brevet Commando School. His website is www.NelliganBooks.com and he can be reached at Jeff@ResilientSons.com

Reviews

[Lgordo · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is very easy to hate on the author. So easy, in fact, that I'm going to leave that low-hanging fruit for lesser reviewers. Instead, I'll take the more difficult path and explain why I think this is a great book.

Middle-class parents are very stressed out these days. They appear to believe that their child needs to have found a "passion" by the age of 7, and be a leader in that field by 9. If they haven't invented something in the garage by the age of 12, they're probably doomed to mediocrity. Nelligan calls bullshit on this, and I completely agree. Most of us are ordinary, even mediocre, and will never do anything to rock the planet, or even a single county. What's important is not achievement, but rather character: developing the temperament to pursue in the face of adversity, to play well with others, and most importantly -- to succeed in the society in which they will spend most of their lives.

This book reminded me of "My Little Boy" by Carl Ewald. Both books are about raising savvy, responsible boys. Both books are full of great ideas and you want to bookmark pages so you can come back to them when it's relevant. The main difference -- and the reason this book is much harder to swallow -- is that Ewald wrote a memoir in lyrical prose. Reading it leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy and inspired. Nelligan wrote a didactic manual with a know-better attitude that leaves you wanting to slap him.

I would urge readers to resist that impulse and take what good there is from this book. I've read a ton of parenting books, and they all have that moment when they veer from objectively good advice to author's bizarre opinion. Nelligan doesn't believe service through teaching is a sacrifice worth making, and he isn't very kind about how he drives that home to his kids. Whether you agree or not doesn't matter: he's still making a good point. You can't order your kids to make smart decisions, but some decisions are too big to mess up. You need to guide them by providing them with the facts and trusting them to use the knowledge wisely.

Nelligan's ideas mesh well with the ideas in "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian. And therein lies the real magic. Although he talks about driving home four themes on good character, it only works because of how he does it. Nelligan is a very involved father. He spends quality time with his kids every week -- not just talking to them, but spending "guy time" tossing a ball around. He sets a positive example for everything he demands of them. And then he helps them understand their role in the family, the community, the sports team, and the nation. It's not really surprising that they all wound up as military officers.

In fact, therein lies the part that leaves me doubtful. All three kids seem indistinguishable by their specs. They all played multiple team sports and were captains. They all went to challenging universities. They all wound up military officers. As was, not coincidentally, their father.

I think most parents would consider it an achievement to produce children who are just like them, but more successful. But I'm always suspicious of self-back-patting when all the kids look more or less the same. It means one of two things: either the kids were temperamentally identical to the parent, and therefore easy to guide along a similar path, or else that the parent bludgeoned them into conforming. This case was probably a combination of both. Nelligan is not shy about actively discouraging his kids from pursuing anything he doesn't value, but if there's any attempt at rebellion, he doesn't document it.

Most parenting books are directed at mothers, and I think that's a shame. The numbers are clear that boys have a harder time finding their footing in the modern world, and the key may lie with their fathers. This is a slim but thought-provoking primer that parents of boys should definitely read.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting perspective on raising resilient kids, focusing on parental involvement and engagement. The epilogue contains questions for parents to ask their children. The questions reinforce little life lessons described earlier in the book.

[Linnea · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good read giveaway. As I read the book, I found I wondered if I would buy this or even take it out of the library. Parts were interesting but I don't think I agreed with his philosophy. Also, is no mention of women at all. Wives girlfriends....

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book with ideas on raising good boys.

[Lgordo · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is very easy to hate on the author. So easy, in fact, that I'm going to leave that low-hanging fruit for lesser reviewers. Instead, I'll take the more difficult path and explain why I think this is a great book.

Middle-class parents are very stressed out these days. They appear to believe that their child needs to have found a "passion" by the age of 7, and be a leader in that field by 9. If they haven't invented something in the garage by the age of 12, they're probably doomed to mediocrity. Nelligan calls bullshit on this, and I completely agree. Most of us are ordinary, even mediocre, and will never do anything to rock the planet, or even a single county. What's important is not achievement, but rather character: developing the temperament to pursue in the face of adversity, to play well with others, and most importantly -- to succeed in the society in which they will spend most of their lives.

This book reminded me of "My Little Boy" by Carl Ewald. Both books are about raising savvy, responsible boys. Both books are full of great ideas and you want to bookmark pages so you can come back to them when it's relevant. The main difference -- and the reason this book is much harder to swallow -- is that Ewald wrote a memoir in lyrical prose. Reading it leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy and inspired. Nelligan wrote a didactic manual with a know-better attitude that leaves you wanting to slap him.

I would urge readers to resist that impulse and take what good there is from this book. I've read a ton of parenting books, and they all have that moment when they veer from objectively good advice to author's bizarre opinion. Nelligan doesn't believe service through teaching is a sacrifice worth making, and he isn't very kind about how he drives that home to his kids. Whether you agree or not doesn't matter: he's still making a good point. You can't order your kids to make smart decisions, but some decisions are too big to mess up. You need to guide them by providing them with the facts and trusting them to use the knowledge wisely.

Nelligan's ideas mesh well with the ideas in "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian. And therein lies the real magic. Although he talks about driving home four themes on good character, it only works because of how he does it. Nelligan is a very involved father. He spends quality time with his kids every week -- not just talking to them, but spending "guy time" tossing a ball around. He sets a positive example for everything he demands of them. And then he helps them understand their role in the family, the community, the sports team, and the nation. It's not really surprising that they all wound up as military officers.

In fact, therein lies the part that leaves me doubtful. All three kids seem indistinguishable by their specs. They all played multiple team sports and were captains. They all went to challenging universities. They all wound up military officers. As was, not coincidentally, their father.

I think most parents would consider it an achievement to produce children who are just like them, but more successful. But I'm always suspicious of self-back-patting when all the kids look more or less the same. It means one of two things: either the kids were temperamentally identical to the parent, and therefore easy to guide along a similar path, or else that the parent bludgeoned them into conforming. This case was probably a combination of both. Nelligan is not shy about actively discouraging his kids from pursuing anything he doesn't value, but if there's any attempt at rebellion, he doesn't document it.

Most parenting books are directed at mothers, and I think that's a shame. The numbers are clear that boys have a harder time finding their footing in the modern world, and the key may lie with their fathers. This is a slim but thought-provoking primer that parents of boys should definitely read.

PS: He's totally wrong about music. Just sayin'.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, no nonsense, and to the point.