How to Stop Destroying Your Relationships

by Albert Ellis, Robert A. Harper

Many people easily destroy relationships with loved ones over and over again and just don't know how to stop. Here is help. Using simple and effective techniques developed by Dr. Albert Ellis, readers will learn how to relate lovingly, intimately, and lastingly, whether male of female, single or married, gay or straight. The approach is even-handed and nonjudgmental, and this is more than just a guide to getting along better with a "significant other": There is help for bettering relationships with friends, children, even in-laws.

Using the REBT principles defined with wisdom and good humor by Dr. Ellis, readers learn a sensible way to final long-term enjoyment and satisfaction with the ones they love.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships

242 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2001

About the author

Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who in 1955 developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). He held M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from Columbia University and American Board of Professional Psychology (ABPP). He also founded and was the President of the New York City-based Albert Ellis Institute for decades.
He is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. Based on a 1982 professional survey of USA and Canadian psychologists, he was considered as the second most influential psychotherapist in history (Carl Rogers ranked first in the survey; Sigmund Freud was ranked third).

Reviews

[Chad E Spilman]

Some principles that stood out to me in this book are to try and understand the other persons frustration.

If the other person does or says something you dont like you can compromise solutions or accept them for who they are but berating that person wont help.

Having problems and arguments are a normal part of a relationship and talking through and about them toward a solution are normal rather than complaining.

[Davina]

Interesting approach. I can see it being difficult to apply. I am asked to get at the root of my beliefs that drive my behavior. But this isn't a fishing expedition so I can flagellate my father for his sins, but an investigation in to those beliefs which spin annoyance in to anger. There is a great focus on underlying "musts" "shoulds" and all kinds of ways in which I try and control, or proscribe the world around me. It's pretty interesting. I've made an observation, in reviewing another of the author's books, that this reminds me of Buddhism. Essentially, I am asked to observe my behavior, notice the underlying beliefs, and to use a Buddhist metaphor, to drive out the rotten peg. I appreciate his approach.

[Johann Mahinay]

Surprisingly dense for such a thin piece of text. The little exercises after each chapter are definitely worth revisiting.


ALTHOUGH, I would say that it's tough for me to wrap my head around and get behind Ellis' modus of REBT in its entirety. I can definitely see it's usefulness against making every little issue into a catastrophe but this mindset could be dangerous and pathology inducing if acted upon in it's full breadth and scope in someone's life.

It's like positive gas lighting yourself into lowering your standards/boundaries/non-negotiables in a relationship.

Still an interesting read though! Every approach will have their critiques but I'm sure Albert Ellis has fully examined their methods!

[Zac Stojcevski]

This book should have been written from the ground up, like the authors claim rather than being renovated from something written 4 decades earlier. Relationships and their nature have changed, people are less patient and seem to lack the stamina required in the exercises and vignettes offered here. As such, this cobbled together offering unfortunately dilutes for the reader the power of REBT and disappointingly I found it not to be as strong an offering from the Author and hi eponymous institute.

[Chelsea]

The book is fine and has some helpful exercises in particular, but I would recommend skipping this one if you already practice or are very familiar with REBT. In that case it may be repetitive or tedious to read.