The seven uninterrupted pages long Adachi rant is extremely important to me…
“I—I hate it when you laugh while I’m not there! I hate it when you hold hands with other girls! With someone other than me! I want you to be with me! The festival too, I wanted to go with you! While you were having fun, while you were laughing, I wanted to be there next to you! That’s all I ever wanted! My head hurts while I keep thinking about you, always, it feels like it’s going to explode! I keep waiting for you to call me, but you never do! Please, Shimamura. Can’t you talk to me? Every once in a while? Can’t you just call me? Why does it always have to be me? Don’t you... Don’t you care about me? Not even a little bit? Not at all? I’m nothing to you? Just a friend? Just a regular, normal friend? You don’t want to be more than that, more than normal friends? Like, a whole step above it? I do. I do... Shimamura, please. Tell me what I’m supposed to do. Can you hear me? Are you listening to me? What’s going through your mind, what does my voice make you think about? Are you thinking about anything? About me? I don’t care if you’re worried, I don’t care whatever it is, please, just think about me. I want it, I need it. Is it bad? Is it bad wanting someone to think about you? Shimamura! Shimamura... I need you, Shimamura. I don’t have any- one else. I don’t need anyone else... I only need you, Shimamura. Just you, just you. I’m not selfish. I don’t care about anyone else. I don’t need them. I want them to go away. So then, why? Why do you keep going away too, Shimamura? Please, come to me, come over my way. Stay by my side. Never leave me. I want to be by your side, me, me. Please, let me. That girl, I don’t know her. And I’m scared of that. I don’t want you to turn into someone I don’t recognize. I want to know everything, all there is to know about you. Some things hurt to know, yes, but not knowing about them hurts even more. It hurts. Hurts, hurts... Shimamura. I wanted to invite you to hang out. I wanted to go to the festival with you. And yet, you went with her. That girl. Are you having fun with her? Are you two out somewhere right now? Shimamura, Shimamura... Hey, can you hear me? I’m the only one talking. It’s been like that for a while now. You usually talk a lot more. Why? Why isn’t this like usual? Am I being weird? Well, yes. I know that I am. But, I can’t help it. I want to know more about you, so much that it makes me act strange. I want to be with you, forever, wherever you go. I don’t ever want to be separated from you. And yet, I know I’d start crying if I saw you. I am crying, right now. I can’t stop thinking about that girl, about all the stuff you do with her. Hey, are you there? Are you listening? Do you like being with her more than you do being with me? Am I not good enough? What part of me? Tell me, and I’ll change it. Please, tell me. Tell me. I promise that I’ll change. I want to hear it, please. Shimamura. There are so many things that I do because of you, Shimamura. No way is there someone like you out there. I need you, Shimamura. I need you. You. It has to be you. That’s why I want to get closer to you. And yet... I want to talk about something else, something other than this stuff, but I just can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about your smile. The way you smiled at that girl. I hate it, I hate it when you smile at other people. But, you don’t hate me, right? Right? Shimamura, who do you like? Do you have a person you like? Is there someone who likes you? Do you know it means, to like someone? Sometimes, I get really scared. I can’t stop myself from thinking, why are you willing to spend time with me? Is it because we’re friends? Friends. Yes, we’re friends. We’ve reached
that level already. When you think about me, do you see view me as a friend? Shimamura, Shimamura... Hnngh...
Please, let me hear your voice. I want to hear your voice. Shimamura, talk to me. I want you to, I want you to know everything there is to know about me. Things that no one else does. I want to know you, and I want you to know me. I want you to be the person closest to me, I want me to be the person closest to you. But, it’s not so easy. Whenever something bad happens, I get totally crushed. No matter how minor. I don’t have the will to keep going. It’s just... It doesn’t feel like... you even care about me, Shimamura. Like I’m not important to you. I know it’s weird, it is, but I want to be important to you. That’s important to me! I hate it when other people see you that way. I can’t stand it. Please. Please... Shimamura, do you ever think about me? We haven’t met the entire summer break, yes, but have you thought about me at all, even once? Me, I can’t stop thinking about you. I think about you all the time. You’re the only person, the thing I think about. You’re the only thought in my mind. Please, Shimamura! Think about me too! Or what? Are we different? Yes, I know, we are,
but still. But still... I keep waiting for you to call me. To text me. Anything. I waited, I waited, but eventually, I just wanted to call you myself. Even after you betrayed me, I still just wanted to call you. And I did. But now, I don’t know what to do anymore. Tell me, Shimamura, what am I supposed to do? Shimamura? Are you there? Can you hear me? You’re so distant, so far away. I want to see you. I want to see you in person. I want you to laugh, to pat my head, to tell me that everything will be alright. Where are you right now? Who is there with you? Is it that girl? Who is she? Who is that girl? Why won’t you tell me when I keep asking you? Is she someone like that? Someone you can’t talk about? What’s your relationship with her? Are you two close? Closer than we are? No, no. I hate that. I don’t want there to be anyone closer to you than me. Please, tell me it isn’t so. Tell me that it isn’t so! I think so much about you, Shimamura. Is it not enough? Do I need to think about you more? What should I do? I don’t know. I have no idea. Everything I try keeps failing. Please, tell me, what do you want me to do? I’ll do it. I’ll try my hardest. I promise I will. Really, I don’t care about that girl. I don’t. The Shimamura I want to see is different, I know that. It’s just me who needs to change. Me. Only me. And yet... Shimamura. What are you thinking about right now, Shimamura? Do you think that I’m weird? That I’m strange? Talk to me, Shimamura. Talk to me. For once, you talk to me. It’s always just me, me, me who’s doing it. This is what happens when I have to do everything! I get like this! Shimamura, please. Please come to me. Do you hate me? No, no. Don’t hate me. Please. I don’t want that. Anything but that... Like me. Yes, like me. I want you to like me. Someone, please just like me. No, that’s not it... Shimamura, do you... Do you hate that I like you? Do you hate me like Mom does? Will you stop talking to me? Will you look at me like you didn’t know me? What should I say? What am I supposed to do? Should I jump up and down? Should I leap into the air? Should I take your hand? Everyone always does that, but if I do it, you won’t look at me anymore. Tell me, what should I do? Tell me. Shimamura... Someone, anyone... I just want to hear your voice... Say something, make me feel safe. But, don’t smile at someone else. I hate that. Smile at me. Me. My head hurts. My stomach hurts too. I care about you, I cared about you so much, and yet, you wouldn’t even call me. Please, think about me. I want to know more about you. I want to know everything about you. I... I know that I’m going in circles. That I’m just saying the same stuff again and again and again. But, I can’t help it. I can’t. You’re the only thing I can think about. You’re so important to me, so important. I don’t want that to change. Look at me, please. It hurts me when you don’t look at me. When you only look at other girls. I hate it. Are you going out with her again? Where are you going? Somewhere to hang out? Somewhere we used to hang out? With another girl? No. No! Don’t erase me! Don’t write over the stuff we did! I still remember, I remember it all, but if you write over it... then will it be different the next time? You look at something you know, but it looks different? No, no. No. No. Don’t split the things we did together. It’s not right. I’m not right. Not alright. I know that. And yet, I just can’t get you out of my head. Even now, I just can’t... Shimamura, Shimamura... Shima...mura... Shimamura... Shimamura? Shimamura, Shimamura, Shimamura... I’m begging you, Shimamura. Please. Shimamura... Shimamura...”
For personal reasons, few individual moments in anything I’ve read will ever stick with me the way reading this did