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Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years
A guide for adoptive parents from preparations for a child's arrival through the teen years.
448 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2008
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February 14, 2017
Parenting the Internationally Adopted Child: From your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years
by Patty Cogen, copyright 2008
Books on how to parent adopted children often have the same weaknesses as general parenting books. They are personal works that detail an individual, or parenting team, or counseling team, approach to the hard labor of raising children. As such, they are limited by the the personality and experience of the practitioners. Additionally, works by therapists particularly seem to suffer from a "expert" condescension that is difficult to transcend.
Taking this caution in mind, Patty Cogen's book is a solid addition to the material available on adoption parenting. Her approach is narrative in nature and a strength is the outline and encouragement for parents to engage their children in telling their adoption story throughout their growing up years. She recommends parents address the trauma of adoption by continually guiding the child to integrate their experience into their own identity. This is a style that is comfortable to me personally, and fits well within our pedagogical framework.
Practical tips such as "The Three Photo Story" (pg. 75) and "The Four Questions" (pg. 77, and returned to at each developmental stage) are helpful in revealing a path upon which parents can walk (repeatedly) with their child as the child's thinking develops on the road to adulthood. Her terms "Parent Juice" and "Magic Circle," while somewhat juvenile for parents and older children, are well explained so they can be incorporated, even if you don't use her nomenclature. I also liked the attachment games she outlined such as Parent on a Leash (pg. 100), Mirror Faces/ Bodies, Pop Cheeks (pg. 106), Funny Sounds/ Funny Faces (pg. 106), The Bean Bag Game (pg. 112), Facial Exploring (pg. 114), and using the "If you are Happy and You Know It Song" for exploring emotions (pg. 117). There were many other ideas, but some were rather obvious (Ring around the Rosey, Duck-Duck-Goose, Peekaboo, etc.) or just didn't appeal to me personally (such as the Goodbye Song).
I liked the 'based in research' feel of the opening section, but some of her assertions seemed a little too convenient (how would you test that?) and she did not uniformly provide references. While some researchers and their protocol or technique are mentioned specifically, nonetheless there are many assertions, where the reader is prevented from further research (through lack of citations) and must trust her interpretation of the data.
Like most therapists working with children, she advocates juice boxes and eye contact and teaching through play and play through teaching, though I just could not get the hang of the Suck-Swallow- Breathe routine that she seems to find essential.
I particularly liked her idea of "family age" as both a way of understanding the length of time during which your child has been exposed to your parenting and family culture, and a way of contrasting an adoptive child with a biological sibling.
Two huge weaknesses of the book were distracting to me throughout the reading. Cogen has chosen the ubiquitous "composite of many individuals" approach by creating 5 children and their family settings. I suppose this would be expected given her narrative bent. While she does a fairly good job maintaining the individual nature of each profile, the reader cannot escape the omniscient narration of the therapist herself. When the families do something "good", we know this is simply the therapist using a schemata to promote her ideas, and when the families do something "wrong" or get stuck and consult her, the therapist is once again aggrandized. All of the families find her help essential to their triumphant parenting, and the stories wrap up so very neatly - a fact she even takes pains to confess in the later chapters on teens. This is a LONG book, at 416 pages, so I suppose SOMETHING was needed, but these superfluous stories also add to the length. If they were designed to sweeten the medicine, it didn't work for me; I still found the book LONG and I found the scenarios rather annoying. In addition, I imagine that if I consult the book for future reference, the yada yada will be a stumbling block to locating the information desired. Also, it should be noted that a limitation of Cogen's scope as a therapist is a focus exclusively on her client. Therefore, she doesn't engage sibling relationships (either bio or adopted) or birth order, and her adults are inexperienced parents (though she does make some weak attempts to present one or two as more adept).
The second weakness of the book is a complete lack of examination of the WEAKNESSES of the narrative approach. Throughout the book, I kept thinking about "False Memory Syndrome/ Therapy". Cogen advocates "telling children their story" and not making up details, but ASSUMING details based on their behavior. This theme emerges in Chapter 7, "Providing a Framework for Fragmented Memories" and continues throughout the book. While she does say, "We constantly hear our children's ideas and feelings, and we need to attend to and trust their responses to our suggestions. A blank look means you are off track. A smile or nod means you have hit he nail on the head" (pg. 75). While this outline is consistent for ALL communication with children, warning lights flash in my head regarding the way this is applied to the backstory of adopted children. "For example, when meeting your child for the first time, or during the subsequent hours and days, you can comment, 'It's easier to sleep (or keep busy) than to look at a strange, new face. I bet when you have that stunned look on your face, you are wondering where all your familiar caregivers and other children went" (page 75).
My first concern is that it seems easy to jump to projecting false stories, emotions, and integration on a child *so that the adult can feel more comfortable that they are providing guidance*. For example, if a parents suggests a child was traumatized in a certain way in an orphanage and the child responds, I'm not sure it is part of that child's life narrative. Are they reacting to the horror that *happened* to them? Or the horror that it *could have happened* to them? Or the horror that this *does happen to children* somewhere in the world? Also, children have a narrow perspective. A child might interpret regularly missed meals as abuse, when the reality may be the orphanage had frequent problems with financial support or food supply (due to war, famine or politics) and the child was simply unaware of these obstacles, but nonetheless *applied* the emotional response to himself (I did something bad on the days we didn't have food). I think children need to integrate their experience at their own pace. There is an amount of mystery to that process that we will not be able to overcome. Cogen never examines this tricky balance, and that makes me concerned *she is unaware it is there*. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she may simply avoid these dangers of the narrative approach because it comes naturally to her, but this is a severe deficit in teaching others these methods.
Another concern I have about pitfalls of the narrative approach was highlighted by Cogen's endorsement of Sherry Eldridge's book "Twenty Thing Adoptive Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." You can read my review of this book elsewhere on Goodreads but suffice it to say, I do not view it highly. I think Eldridge's cultivation of adoption victim hood is a frightening example of where this guided narrative can lead to bad outcomes. There are all sorts of biological kids that struggle with identity, addiction, and outright rebellion. Parents need to get at the heart of these matters and it is all to convenient (for both parents and therapists) to blame adoption trauma. This thread continues throughout the book as Cogen explains behavior after behavior that we already encountered *with our biological child* and that I have discussed with other parents of biological children. There are also numerous stories of people who overcame difficult starts, and either used these challenges for motivation to triumphant achievement or prevented these challenges from defining their identity. Cogen's empathy can go too far (as well as her advocacy to avoid 'high expectations of adopted kids'). I'm not saying we should weigh our kids down with unrealistic expectations, but embracing victim hood is also too far on the other side of the bell curve. We want to raise victorious children, who are challenged to connect to others in healthy ways, and to embrace a life of purpose and value that goes beyond where they started.
In conclusion, while I prefer the narrative approach and found valuable ideas in Cogen's work, a discussion of the pitfalls of the style, and how to avoid them, would give clarity and credibility to Cogen's ideas of how to guide an adopted child to success as an adult.
For more on adoption, I recommend:
The Connected Child, Purvis, 2007
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Parenting the Hurt Child, Keck & Kupecky, 2002
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
by Patty Cogen, copyright 2008
Books on how to parent adopted children often have the same weaknesses as general parenting books. They are personal works that detail an individual, or parenting team, or counseling team, approach to the hard labor of raising children. As such, they are limited by the the personality and experience of the practitioners. Additionally, works by therapists particularly seem to suffer from a "expert" condescension that is difficult to transcend.
Taking this caution in mind, Patty Cogen's book is a solid addition to the material available on adoption parenting. Her approach is narrative in nature and a strength is the outline and encouragement for parents to engage their children in telling their adoption story throughout their growing up years. She recommends parents address the trauma of adoption by continually guiding the child to integrate their experience into their own identity. This is a style that is comfortable to me personally, and fits well within our pedagogical framework.
Practical tips such as "The Three Photo Story" (pg. 75) and "The Four Questions" (pg. 77, and returned to at each developmental stage) are helpful in revealing a path upon which parents can walk (repeatedly) with their child as the child's thinking develops on the road to adulthood. Her terms "Parent Juice" and "Magic Circle," while somewhat juvenile for parents and older children, are well explained so they can be incorporated, even if you don't use her nomenclature. I also liked the attachment games she outlined such as Parent on a Leash (pg. 100), Mirror Faces/ Bodies, Pop Cheeks (pg. 106), Funny Sounds/ Funny Faces (pg. 106), The Bean Bag Game (pg. 112), Facial Exploring (pg. 114), and using the "If you are Happy and You Know It Song" for exploring emotions (pg. 117). There were many other ideas, but some were rather obvious (Ring around the Rosey, Duck-Duck-Goose, Peekaboo, etc.) or just didn't appeal to me personally (such as the Goodbye Song).
I liked the 'based in research' feel of the opening section, but some of her assertions seemed a little too convenient (how would you test that?) and she did not uniformly provide references. While some researchers and their protocol or technique are mentioned specifically, nonetheless there are many assertions, where the reader is prevented from further research (through lack of citations) and must trust her interpretation of the data.
Like most therapists working with children, she advocates juice boxes and eye contact and teaching through play and play through teaching, though I just could not get the hang of the Suck-Swallow- Breathe routine that she seems to find essential.
I particularly liked her idea of "family age" as both a way of understanding the length of time during which your child has been exposed to your parenting and family culture, and a way of contrasting an adoptive child with a biological sibling.
Two huge weaknesses of the book were distracting to me throughout the reading. Cogen has chosen the ubiquitous "composite of many individuals" approach by creating 5 children and their family settings. I suppose this would be expected given her narrative bent. While she does a fairly good job maintaining the individual nature of each profile, the reader cannot escape the omniscient narration of the therapist herself. When the families do something "good", we know this is simply the therapist using a schemata to promote her ideas, and when the families do something "wrong" or get stuck and consult her, the therapist is once again aggrandized. All of the families find her help essential to their triumphant parenting, and the stories wrap up so very neatly - a fact she even takes pains to confess in the later chapters on teens. This is a LONG book, at 416 pages, so I suppose SOMETHING was needed, but these superfluous stories also add to the length. If they were designed to sweeten the medicine, it didn't work for me; I still found the book LONG and I found the scenarios rather annoying. In addition, I imagine that if I consult the book for future reference, the yada yada will be a stumbling block to locating the information desired. Also, it should be noted that a limitation of Cogen's scope as a therapist is a focus exclusively on her client. Therefore, she doesn't engage sibling relationships (either bio or adopted) or birth order, and her adults are inexperienced parents (though she does make some weak attempts to present one or two as more adept).
The second weakness of the book is a complete lack of examination of the WEAKNESSES of the narrative approach. Throughout the book, I kept thinking about "False Memory Syndrome/ Therapy". Cogen advocates "telling children their story" and not making up details, but ASSUMING details based on their behavior. This theme emerges in Chapter 7, "Providing a Framework for Fragmented Memories" and continues throughout the book. While she does say, "We constantly hear our children's ideas and feelings, and we need to attend to and trust their responses to our suggestions. A blank look means you are off track. A smile or nod means you have hit he nail on the head" (pg. 75). While this outline is consistent for ALL communication with children, warning lights flash in my head regarding the way this is applied to the backstory of adopted children. "For example, when meeting your child for the first time, or during the subsequent hours and days, you can comment, 'It's easier to sleep (or keep busy) than to look at a strange, new face. I bet when you have that stunned look on your face, you are wondering where all your familiar caregivers and other children went" (page 75).
My first concern is that it seems easy to jump to projecting false stories, emotions, and integration on a child *so that the adult can feel more comfortable that they are providing guidance*. For example, if a parents suggests a child was traumatized in a certain way in an orphanage and the child responds, I'm not sure it is part of that child's life narrative. Are they reacting to the horror that *happened* to them? Or the horror that it *could have happened* to them? Or the horror that this *does happen to children* somewhere in the world? Also, children have a narrow perspective. A child might interpret regularly missed meals as abuse, when the reality may be the orphanage had frequent problems with financial support or food supply (due to war, famine or politics) and the child was simply unaware of these obstacles, but nonetheless *applied* the emotional response to himself (I did something bad on the days we didn't have food). I think children need to integrate their experience at their own pace. There is an amount of mystery to that process that we will not be able to overcome. Cogen never examines this tricky balance, and that makes me concerned *she is unaware it is there*. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she may simply avoid these dangers of the narrative approach because it comes naturally to her, but this is a severe deficit in teaching others these methods.
Another concern I have about pitfalls of the narrative approach was highlighted by Cogen's endorsement of Sherry Eldridge's book "Twenty Thing Adoptive Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." You can read my review of this book elsewhere on Goodreads but suffice it to say, I do not view it highly. I think Eldridge's cultivation of adoption victim hood is a frightening example of where this guided narrative can lead to bad outcomes. There are all sorts of biological kids that struggle with identity, addiction, and outright rebellion. Parents need to get at the heart of these matters and it is all to convenient (for both parents and therapists) to blame adoption trauma. This thread continues throughout the book as Cogen explains behavior after behavior that we already encountered *with our biological child* and that I have discussed with other parents of biological children. There are also numerous stories of people who overcame difficult starts, and either used these challenges for motivation to triumphant achievement or prevented these challenges from defining their identity. Cogen's empathy can go too far (as well as her advocacy to avoid 'high expectations of adopted kids'). I'm not saying we should weigh our kids down with unrealistic expectations, but embracing victim hood is also too far on the other side of the bell curve. We want to raise victorious children, who are challenged to connect to others in healthy ways, and to embrace a life of purpose and value that goes beyond where they started.
In conclusion, while I prefer the narrative approach and found valuable ideas in Cogen's work, a discussion of the pitfalls of the style, and how to avoid them, would give clarity and credibility to Cogen's ideas of how to guide an adopted child to success as an adult.
For more on adoption, I recommend:
The Connected Child, Purvis, 2007
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Parenting the Hurt Child, Keck & Kupecky, 2002
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
July 31, 2011
This was an informative book that I plan to reference for years to come. Of course we all want our children to be healthy, happy, and worry-free. Adoptive parents know that their children face many difficult issues. I must admit this book was emotionally draining because it brought up challenge upon challenge. (Quite frankly it was heartbreaking.) Hopefully by applying Cogen's techniques, I will be a better adoptive parent and help my children overcome their fears and insecurities.
July 24, 2019
Excellent, empathetic and thoroughly insightful resource. Cogen understands the adoptee's psyche, and know how to link every challenging behaviour to its source i.e. fear of abandonment and an internalised sense of inadequacy. Thoroughly engaging and practical, Cogen consistently refers to the experiences of five international adoptees she worked with from their toddler-aged adoption, t through to adulthood. Using their personal experiences, she itemises common problems adoptees face, and provides compassionate and practical means of support. Common problems were slotted under neat, accessible, user-friendly headings. I enjoyed the many snippets of conversations between parent and child, as they provided insightful and pointed examples of how one might conduct conversations with their adopted kids. There was no beating around the bush, vagueness or pretensions. Just excellent practical advice, and their outcomes, illustrated from real live experiences of adoptees and their families. Cogen consistently tackles each problem at their emotional root, always identifying the psychological insecurities underlying challenging behaviour. My only criticism, is that Cogen veered into over-leniency in situations of verbal abuse from pre-teens and teens. In such situations, advice on less permissive forms of discipline, would have been informative.
March 30, 2022
This is an extremely detailed, thorough resource for parents who've adopted internationally that spans the experience of first arrival in the new home into teenage life. I will give a caveat, however, that due to the length of this book and it's attempt to equip well, it may read to some as 1 - overwhelming, and 2 - doom and gloom. This doesn't take away from its overall utility as a resource, but is a good flag if you're reading and already feel discouraged.
January 23, 2018
Worthwhile reading for anyone who has adopted, internationally or not. I skimmed some of the international-specific parts but the book overall is extremely insightful for anyone parenting a child with trauma (i.e., anyone parenting an adopted child, regardless of national origin).
January 15, 2024
Overall a good book about international adoption that gives practical guidance on common situations. I found it a bit bloated and repetitive in the middle with a few parts having aged poorly and the ending was abrupt. Would definitely recommend to others as a must-read in the field.
May 10, 2017
Wonderful resource book through the years of raising adopted children. I highly recommend this book for adoptive parents.
October 15, 2018
Will continue to reference this wonderful resource as my son grows up!
October 6, 2019
Should be required reading for every parent adopting internationally. Excellent book! I learned so much and will definitely come back to it to reread sections that were especially helpful.
Read
December 31, 2020Great book on adoption (even for domestic adoptions) for caregivers at various stages of the child's life.
September 13, 2012
I loved it. It seemed based on the author's experience and hard research. The author has hosted first year home groups for new international adopting families for years. She had so many practical tips and exercises to encourage bonding between parent and child, as well as many stories to help understand the reasons behind certain patterns of behavior in adoptees. She had the positive idea of their behavior being related to their survival techniques that worked pre-adoption but no longer help them post-adoption. I also loved her idea of continually discussing the adoption story from the adoptee perspective and to do away with Gotcha Day, replacing it with the three pictures on a laminated page for the young child -- one pre-adoption, one of the adoption, and then one post adoption,and to refer to it as the Big Change. So much of their behavior is connected to that day of the Big Change. I loved how she gave different personality types of children and how they react to adoption through their life from adoption to early adulthood. I loved the idea of considering family age (how long the child was in the family) versus chronological or developmental age. So helpful. I did wish they had more about siblings. There was nothing about siblings, which I know play a big role in most families.
April 27, 2010
From the absurd to the sublime. You get a little of everything. You can cherry pick this tome for information and decide which advice is useful for your unique situation. I won't be refilling anyone's glass with Parent Juice or putting on trauma-goggles or playing Parent-on-a-Leash but I will remember to talk with my child about the adoption story from my child's point of view rather than mine. As in, yes, a long anticipated day for me but a terribly confusing and frightening one for her. I might not have had that perspective without this book.
I might not have considered that birthdays and Mother's/Father's Days could be complex and that there might be ways to alleviate the confusion prior to the day in order for the child to fully participate and enjoy those events.
So, for all of my kvetching about the silliness of much of the book (I'm not even going to get started on the concept of white privilege) it was well worth reading. In the interest of full disclosure I'll note that I did not read the entire book. I read up to the teen years and that was about all I could handle. For my purposes at this time it has been read.
I might not have considered that birthdays and Mother's/Father's Days could be complex and that there might be ways to alleviate the confusion prior to the day in order for the child to fully participate and enjoy those events.
So, for all of my kvetching about the silliness of much of the book (I'm not even going to get started on the concept of white privilege) it was well worth reading. In the interest of full disclosure I'll note that I did not read the entire book. I read up to the teen years and that was about all I could handle. For my purposes at this time it has been read.
February 23, 2013
This will be a good reference through the years, particularly when it comes to emotional and identity development in teen years. Offers some concrete strategies for dealing with the issues that arise from the origin stories of international adoptees and how they deal with unpleasant realities as they grow old enough to begin to really understand. Also identifies some physical, emotional and cognitive developmental issues that come from extended institutional living. The device of following five families (conflated from a larger number of real situations) to illustrate how some of the issues can play out behaviorally is very effective and valuable.
July 28, 2014
As someone who will be working with families with internationally adopted children in a counseling capacity starting next week, this book was very helpful for preparing me for possible issues I might see, and providing me with viable, tangible approaches for my families. One star got marked off for the incessant use of "Parent Juice," and the schmaltzy dialouge which wrapped everything up in a nice little bow after about four seconds of intentional parenting work. I know the author addressed this in the book, but the more and more I read it, the more it grated on me. However, lots of great tools and insights here.
March 14, 2013
Another one I haven't read all the way through yet- it is set up more as a parenting reference. It has parenting information and tips from infancy to the late teen years, and is targeted at families who adopt internationally. The book is organized by the age of the child, & lists typical things the child is learning or going through at each age range, & tips on what you can/should do as parents at each stage. Not a page-turner, but does seem to have a lot of very practical information that will be good to have on hand for future reference.
April 10, 2011
I have read a lot of adoption books and done most of our requisite training, but this book was by far my favorite so far at giving concrete ideas for what to do about attachment/adoption issues instead of just saying what issues will arise. I loved the format too of following a few specific families throughout the book that were made from lots of different issues that the author had experienced in her time of helping families. Overall a great book and I am really glad to have it in my library for when our adopted son or daughter comes home.
January 16, 2012
This book was recommended by our social workers, and on the whole it has been very useful. The suggestions about activities to promote attachment are very good, and the tone of the work is (understandably) serious and no-nonsense. Occasionally, I was rubbed the wrong way (rightly or wrongly) by suggestions about work-life balance, but perhaps this is because this issue transcends the adoption context in my life and is a longstanding one... Anyway, overall, I recommend, and of course make your own judgments on what is useful within.
December 6, 2012
This was very informative. I do wish it had more actual advice on what to do with certain issues. It covered what issues could present themselves, but the resolutions seemed a little ambiguous to me. The author has been criticized for some of the terms she coined to describe her process or therapies, and I admit that they could be a little ridiculous, but the actual idea behind the therapies were very good.
It was an eye opener for some things, and emotionally taxing at times, but I believe it will be a great resource for me and my family
It was an eye opener for some things, and emotionally taxing at times, but I believe it will be a great resource for me and my family
October 25, 2012
There are some good tips in this, but as with most parenting books, take each tip and let your instincts and child's needs guide you. Some of the sleep suggestions were able to be implemented and some were not. The description of the five major types of coping skills is extremely helpful to have your in your parenting toolbox. I do recommend this book for any parenting or caretaker of an internationally/domestically adopted child; however, I would not say take it as the only and final word on how to parent through some of the difficult situations.
August 22, 2020
Full of practical tips
I really appreciated how the author mixed examples, practical tips and research together to help adoptive families. I probably over-highlighted and will come back for the tips, hints and tricks for years to come.
One thing that she does point out at the end, but that we can forget when we're bogged down in the middle of the book, is that these situations are just one part of your life with your adoptive child. There will be successes and great days and perfectly "normal" periods of life. So keep that in mind while reading.
I really appreciated how the author mixed examples, practical tips and research together to help adoptive families. I probably over-highlighted and will come back for the tips, hints and tricks for years to come.
One thing that she does point out at the end, but that we can forget when we're bogged down in the middle of the book, is that these situations are just one part of your life with your adoptive child. There will be successes and great days and perfectly "normal" periods of life. So keep that in mind while reading.
November 24, 2013
if you have an internationally adopted child this book is a must. :) there is such great stuff in here. from exercises to promote attachment and ease anxiety in your child to things to look for as they grow. i have to come back to this book over and over again for guidance and advice. it's easy to read and the author really helps drive her points home with real-life examples of children she has worked with.
April 30, 2014
I've read most of this {except the sections about kids older than 5- that will come}, and it's been dog-eared, marked, highlighted, and ingested as best as possible without having our baby home yet. This is a book we will be referencing and rereading and talking about for years to come, so for now it gets shelved on my "read" list....
May 14, 2012
This was probably my favorite adoption book. I love how she used individual cases from an actual group therapy group she facilitated to illustrate each point. It showed a wide variety of kids, families, issues. I re-read many of these chapters after Moses came home and will continue to go back to it as he grows up.
February 18, 2010
This is a great resource. We're just at the beginning stages of adoption and thus I have skimmed parts and read the beginning few chapters. It gives very specific suggestions on attachment and how to create a bond with your child through songs and games.
July 20, 2010
The Wilborns gave Kris this book for his birthday and I immediately stole it. I didn't read it cover to cover; I skipped some sections about the teen years.
This book is great and I foresee checking various passages a lot when we get to bring our daughter home.
This book is great and I foresee checking various passages a lot when we get to bring our daughter home.
October 25, 2010
Great book...this book had many helpful suggestions and included a "natural consequences" philosophy of discipline similar to Parenting with Love and Logic.
I will definitely be going back to this book.
I will definitely be going back to this book.
September 22, 2011
Woah, It's like an encyclopedia of adoption! I found lots of things I identified with even though the majority of the situations did not apply to our case. Now, if only I can remember her advice and have the humility to try her suggestions.
July 26, 2014
An excellent resource for adoptive parents. The only reason it isn't 5 stars in my book is that I think she goes too far having you psychoanalyze your child's behavior. Sometimes my 2 1/2 year old is going to cry because she's 2, not because of some past trauma.
September 6, 2010
Full of some really helpful ideas, but awfully fond of Sensory integration psychobabble.
September 15, 2011
A must read for parents of kids who came from other countries. Will reference it continually.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews