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211 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1970
He put an arm round my shoulder, his body, with its smell of healthy sweat—how well I came to know that smell, how evocative it still is for me when I catch it faintly from the drawers into which he used, higgledy-piggledy, to stuff his dirty clothes—pressed against mine. All at once I felt limp and enervated in contact with all that remorseless vitality. (42)
Naturally morose by temperament, I felt an astonishing exhilaration; naturally critical, I noticed how my judgements of others had suddenly grown generous. Friends would say to me ‘ How well you are looking!’ Or even ‘How happy you seem!’ The house, which for months had fretted me like a thorn beneath a finger-nail, had now come to seem totally unimportant. (29)
“Most homosexuals, however great their reticence in youth, begin by middle age to undergo a process of loosening-up. Many, as I know from my acquaintances, even suffer from a suicidal impulse to betray themselves at every turn. But as I had grown older the carapace of secrecy had become not softer but more and more impenetrable around me. To a few of my closest friends I would speak freely of my secret life; but when at some chance encounter a homosexual, divining my true nature with that extraordinary instinct most inverts possess, embarked on the humiliating process of ‘letting down hair’, I would feel both panic and horror and would at once pretend to have no inkling of the trend of his remarks.” 71