Forgiving My Father, Forgiving Myself: An Invitation to the Miracle of Forgiveness

by Ruth Graham, Cindy Lambert (With)

When we live with unresolved anger or hurt, the result is nearly always bitterness, broken relationships, and unhealthy behaviors. Unforgiveness not only sabotages our interactions with those around us, it impedes our own spiritual growth and inner peace. And it can happen to anyone.

In her most vulnerable writing yet, Ruth Graham reveals how a visit to Angola Prison inspired her to release the unforgiveness lurking in her own heart--toward others, herself, and even her heavenly Father and her earthly father, evangelist Billy Graham. In this encouraging book, she weaves her own personal experiences with biblical examples to explore what holds us back from forgiving others and ourselves--and what we gain when we finally discover the power to forgive. Along the way, she guides us into our own deeply personal experiences of forgiveness that will penetrate our protective walls and unleash true transformation in our lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Christian Non Fiction

272 pages, Hardcover

Published October 1, 2019

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name. See this thread for more information.

Graham is the child of Billy Graham & Ruth Bell Graham

Reviews

[Bob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: Through both personal narrative and biblical teaching, explores the power of forgiveness to bring freedom from bitterness, transforming our lives, and in at least some cases, our relationships.

Ruth Graham was leading a team into Angola Prison when she encountered Michael, on death row for murder, and yet at peace with God. Graham learns the amazing story of how the grandfather of the murderer's victim had forgiven him and was praying for him. It led Ruth on a journey where forgiveness went from head knowledge to transformation in her life.

Ruth grew up in an extraordinary family. Her father was Billy Graham. Such a family carries its own stresses, that Ruth speaks about, never bitterly or cynically, but honestly. She made a series of bad choices in marriages, going through four divorces. Her mother's advice was often less than helpful. She also began to see that she had a deep wound in her life from her father's long absences. Despite her love for him, and his for her, she struggled with feelings of abandonment, and anger. Graham never excuses her own bad decisions, but weaves her journey of learning to forgive her father, forgive her self, and seek the forgiveness of others with biblical principles of how we forgive, and the tough issues of forgiving when forgiveness is not sought or rejected, when those we forgive are no longer around, and forgiving when the other person is not safe to be around.

She helps us see that forgiveness is neither fair nor easy, but that God has commanded it. She shows us that forgiveness is a process that does not depend on our feelings, but that God can help us to do something against which our feelings rebel. In forgiveness, bitter wounds become sacred wounds as we offer these to God and open our wounded places to Him. She teaches us how to ask forgiveness: "I did this. It was wrong. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me."

Unlike Bryan Maier in Forgiveness and Justice (reviewed here) she believes that forgiveness can occur separately from repentance, reconciliation and restoration. Maier contends that forgiveness (which Graham might call reconciliation) can only occur when the offender confesses and repents from the wrong done. Maier contends that where there is no repentance, the proper response of the aggrieved is to take the grievance to God and trust God for justice

Graham would propose that forgiveness delivers us from bitterness, even in the absence of reconciliation, or when reconciliation is no longer safe or possible. Maier, I believe, would say that we take our anger to God as well as to pray, where it is possible, for the repentance of the offender, but not prematurely forgive. 

I don't believe Maier deals adequately with what one does when it is not possible to reconcile with an offender. At the same time, I think there is a point that Graham misses that was called to my attention in watching the documentary Emanuel on the deaths of nine people at the hands of Dylan Roof and participating on a panel with two black scholars who have studied the history and literature of violence against blacks. One of the remarkable things is how quickly a number of families forgive Roof, even though Roof never shows remorse (and other family and friends struggle to or refuse to forgive to this day). While we all recognized how these believers were shaped by biblical teaching, it was observed that it has often been the place of oppressed blacks to forgive, often accompanied by celebration that this has averted a more violent response. One scholar asked, "should not there be anger at the white supremacists and a system that produced Roof, at the history of violence in the forms of lynchings and church burnings against blacks?"

What I wonder is whether it is possible to forgive, as Christ forgave unrepentant enemies on the cross, and yet be angry, but not with bitterness, at the things which anger God, whether systemic racism, infidelity, sexual abuse, or morally corrupt leadership. There is an anger which is not hate, but which motivates advocacy, that does not relent in seeking justice. Sometimes, at least for some, forgiveness is a quick release from the hard feelings of grievance, or an escape from the hard work of seeking justice.

What I would say is that Graham does not minimize the challenge of forgiveness. She also offers a model of honestly facing her own need of forgiveness and what she hadn't forgiven in others and herself. She helps us see the corrosive character of bitterness arising from an unforgiving heart and the grace God can give to forgive. Yet I think we also need teaching on forgiveness that teaches us how to know and live amazing grace while avoiding cheap grace, that does not heal personal or national wounds lightly. 

________________________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

[Doug · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books on forgiveness I’ve ever read

In her new book, “Forgiving My Father, Forgiving Myself: An Invitation to the Miracle of Forgiveness,” Ruth Graham (with Cindy Lambert) presents an incredible account of overcoming pain, heartache and the power to letting go of the past by allowing God to heal our brokenness.

Published by Baker Books, her 272-page book wonderfully illustrates what forgiveness looks like – namely when we need to surrender our pain to God in the cold, hard light of betrayal, whether it be from a spouse, loved one or someone we once thought was our friend. She writes that time does not heal all wounds. Time actually buries all wounds.

When we are wronged, the last thing we want to do is forgive the wrong-doer – especially when we are the ones who ultimately suffer at their hands through no fault of our own, while they get let off the hook with no consequences (i.e., when Ruth’s brother teases her and she tries to stop it, yet she’s the one who gets punished, while he is not, even though he was the instigator). She writes that forgiveness seems unfair – especially when the wrong-doer goes unpunished.

One of my favorite chapters is Chapter 11 where she writes, “Deep down in all of us is the hunger to be fully known. Understood. Accepted. Valued and loved. To belong. Now I could see that though I didn’t’ find that deep sense of belonging at home as a child, today it was up to me to seek to have those needs met as a mature Christian believer (page 201).”

Whether we lived in a healthy loving Christian home (even though Graham did, it obviously didn’t guarantee she was going to make the right decisions or shield her from making bad ones) or were raised in an abusive, dysfunctional home, we are all susceptible to bouts of unforgiveness when we are wronged – especially when we aren’t the ones at fault.

“Whether I am throwing myself at the mercy seat of God, struggling to forgive myself for my failures, willfulness, and sin, or wrestling with God to forgive someone I believe wronged me, forgiveness is an absolute necessity in my Christian walk (page 39).”

Overall, Graham’s book is well-written, insightful and a much-needed message for us today.

I gave her book a 5 out of 5 stars.

Full disclosure: In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255, I received an advanced copy of this book through the Baker Books Bloggers Program. My opinions are my own and I wasn’t required to write a positive review.

© 2019 by Doug S., M.A.

[Joanne Viola · Rating 5 out of 5]

Forgiveness.

It is a struggle for us all at some point in life. It was certainly a struggle for Peter, who asked Jesus this question:

“Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matthew 18:21, NLT)

In her book, Forgiving My Father, Forgiving Myself, Ruth Graham shares from her heart on the topic of forgiveness.

Offering a biblical understanding of the concept of forgiveness and its importance in our lives, she gently leads us through the process of forgiving those who have wronged us.

The book shares powerful and personal stories from her own life and experiences. There are many rich quotes which add to the telling of the stories. I found myself constantly reminded of the forgiveness which I was offered even while I was yet a sinner.

This brings a most amazing invitation:
“What fascinates me about forgiveness is that through it God invites us to participate with Him in the miracle. We have a part to play and choices to make – when we submit our wounds for transformation to His holy use and choose to display His character to the world, Go will “intervene in our affairs” and actually change our hearts from bitterness to love, from resentment to restoration. This is miraculous.” (from page 68)

The book is a thought-provoking journey, a journey which can lead to freedom as we extend the gift and miracle of forgiveness.
“A forgiving spirit is home to humility, divine grace, and love, which give witness to a life dedicated to God and filled with God’s presence.” (J. Randall O’Brien as quoted on page 231)

The question before us all is – Will we participate in offering forgiveness?

** I was provided a copy of this book by Baker Publishing Group. All opinions are honest and my own.

[Josh S · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was intrigued to see one of Billy Graham's daughters write a book that alluded to needing to forgive her father. Billy Graham has had not only a global impact, but also a very personal one for me, as several of my extended family in India made a decision to follow Christ after one of his crusades. Why would anyone who knew Billy Graham, let alone his daughter, need to forgive this spiritual giant?

At the outset, I felt some kinship with the author. My own father is widely loved and respected as a spiritual leader and yet as a child I felt somehow invisible to him. Like the author, though in some ways I had a blessed childhood, I nevertheless entered adulthood with a great deal of anger, anxiety, self-loathing, etc. Perhaps the author's experience with a "perfect father" would parallel mine, and help me to forgive.

I appreciated Ruth's honest and open shares about how her "idyllic" childhood nevertheless left her with wounds that stayed with her for years. Her father's importance and frequent travels left her feeling abandoned as a young girl. Ruth also shares about her relationship with her dutiful but stoic mother, who never showed weakness and was difficult to feel close to. Ultimately Ruth developed a deep but invisible sense of abandonment which led her to serially seek out, as an adult, the perfect man who would take care of her. This wounded fixation ultimately led her to charge into four different marriages, each of which ended in painful divorce. Only after the fourth and final divorce did Ruth finally realize, with the help of good counseling and support from family and church, this core pattern. It was at this point she realized afresh her profound need to forgive her parents and heal.

To truly forgive, especially our parents and ourselves, is always a miracle, a work and grace of God.

Ruth’s story actually makes up only a small portion of the book. Most of the book is focused on rich Scriptural truths about God's character and commands, interspersed with practical tips on how to actually begin to trust God and ask for and receive his divine power to forgive. These latter practical sections were perhaps the most helpful part of the book for me; the author emphasizes that forgiveness for the deepest wounds often takes a commitment to pray consistently for weeks, months, or longer. I finished the book feeling both convicted and encouraged: convicted that God does not want me to grow weary of this important work, and encouraged that I have "every spiritual blessing in Christ" already and will find breakthrough, healing, and genuine forgiveness if I persist and do not give up.

[Brent Soderstrum · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book through GoodReads First Read program.

Ruth Graham, daughter of Billy Graham, doesn't hold back in sharing her life with us-the good and a lot of the bad. She went through four marriages and four divorces. She had tough moments with friends and family. She shares her difficult relationship with her daughter Windsor. She shares how she felt abandoned by her parents when they were off evangelizing for Christ. Why does she share all of this downside? She uses her stories and stories from the Bible to share the importance of forgiving others and asking for forgiveness.

Ruth uses both Old and New Testament stories that show how important that forgiveness is to God. It is also important for us individually and for us in our relationships. Forgiving someone who you think have wronged you can be very very difficult. Graham acknowledges this but she shows the reader that forgiving is really for your own good. The person you forgive might not even acknowledge they have done anything wrong. However, if you let the wrong dwell in your mind it will change life for the worse.

A good read in which God uses what is bad and brings good from it. Ruth gives the glory to God which is where i belongs.

[Analie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Forgiveness is not easy to write about. I've seen it used to judge and hurt others, and I loved the courage and gentleness with which this book handles such a painful topic. Early on, Ruth explains that she wrote this book because she wanted to know how others handled forgiveness and if her struggle was valid - and she wasn't finding one. I think she succeeded! I found it difficult to read the second half where she explores her feelings of abandonment by her parents, but I really appreciated the insights of the first half. My favorite was her prayer about making our wounds sacred to God to turn them into an example of His power and character.

[C.L. Burger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ruth Graham’s book Forgiving My Father, Forgiving Myself is a book of self-revelation and vulnerable sharing. Her father, Billy Graham, was well known throughout the world and in the evangelical church, he is nearly a saint. It is not surprising that Ms. Graham reveals her wounding by her father’s abandonment due to his constant travel and ministry duties. The author shares her heart and vulnerability around her abandonment issues on almost every page.
The story is bittersweet since it talks of falling from grace and the journey back to redemption. This book, for me, was bittersweet in other ways as well. It spoke to me of the damage inflicted by the church in putting ministry above family and the ripple effect from abandonment in a person’s life. Ms. Graham also touches on the unspoken rule of the Christian evangelical church that if one is a Christian, and especially a child or spouse of a well-known Christian, one must always appear perfect on the outside while denying deep wounds at the same time. Ms. Graham’s book speaks of the shame birthed in that environment and how shame wreaks havoc through life choices.
This book addressed forgiveness but more importantly, the author acknowledges the challenges one faces to forgive; which helps the reader feel understood and even hopeful if they are still struggling to forgive someone in their own life. The story became disjointed for me near the end of the book when the author seemed to fall into a “Bible study mode” as opposed to telling her story. Nonetheless, it is a good read and I would recommend it to anyone who seeks to forgive others or themselves.

[Barb Wild · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book👍😉. It reminds me something of my own life experiences and have passed the book on to my book club. Positive all the way.

[Donna Pingry · Rating 2 out of 5]

Her previous book "In Every Pew Sits Broken Heart" touched me at a time when I was really hurting. I think I read it 2-3 times to get it all. This book I will give away immediately. It took me a month to complete it because I kept putting it down to read something more interesting. It's an important subject. This did not do it justice.

[Mary Lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t know Ruth Graham’s personal history when I read her book, but it turns out she is eminently qualified to write on this subject. Clearly, she had much pain caused to her and she caused much pain to others. She describes her sense of abandonment from her father who put ministry before his family, her sense of failure and guilt after 4 broken marriages that all ended in divorce, her shame from her own bad decisions and the pain they caused. and her anger at the God she loved who failed to meet her expectations. Forgiveness is the healing hope she offers through all these broken situations as a “forgiveness apprentice” (Ruth Graham, Forgiving my Father, Forgiving Myself, Baker Books, 2019, p.40).It is a reality that she struggled with throughout her life and describes (wisely) as a battle:
“Forgiveness is far more than a challenge. It is a battle just to make the choice to be forgiving. But when it comes to the call to forgive a gross injustice or grievous wound done to us, it is a battle of the will. We often don‘t want to forgive. And once we clear that hurdle, we may still find that, on our own, the capacity for forgiveness is beyond our grasp” (pp.114-115).
Graham’s book is worthwhile because she doesn’t sugarcoat or gloss over this battle; nor does she minimize the rawness of the emotional toll the wounds that need the healing of forgiveness cause. She says, “My ultimate goal in all my wrestling with forgiveness is to be more like Him. Taking my wounds to Jesus is the only way I can accomplish it” (p. 20). Graham’s theme of the necessity to give and receive forgiveness is one that every human faces. Her suggestions for healing could bring reconciliation and hope to so many in our broken world if the leaders at all levels of society took this Biblical mandate of forgiveness to heart.

[Hank Pharis · Rating 2 out of 5]

(NOTE: I'm stingy with stars. For me 2 stars means a good book or a B. 3 stars means a very good book or a B+. 4 stars means an outstanding book or an A {only about 5% of the books I read merit 4 stars}. 5 stars means an all time favorite or an A+ {Only one of 400 or 500 books rates this!).

The great news is that I can listen to a book a day at work. The bad news is that I can’t keep up with decent reviews. So I’m going to give up for now and just rate them. I hope to come back to some of the most significant things I listen to and read them and then post a review.

[Walt Larimore, · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read many a book and article on "forgiveness," but Ruth Graham and Cindy Lambert have done a masterful job not only explaining the health and spiritual benefits of forgiveness, but also clothing these principles in Ruth's stories and journey. A marvelous read for people who are seeking to become highly healthy physically, mentally/emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. Highly recommended.

[Anita Stresnak · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was searching for a female voice on the topic of forgiving oneself, and Ruth's book is what I needed. She does a great job laying out what God expects of us and a process one can follow. Sharing her own story as her examples are also very helpful, and I appreciate her transparency. (I've recently devoted more time to reading, so it's not a lengthy read for someone who reads on a regular basis.)

[Annie Beckstrand · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mainly just not what I expected. She is a strong woman who has navigated much of life, and has wonderful reflections. Very little was articulated about her father, and I think due to how very difficult that topic is for her. What she did articulate was thoughtful and showed the complexity of those feelings.

[Pat Roseman · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good read on the subject of forgiveness, but nothing I haven't heard before. A lot of personal stories from her own life and how her feelings of abandonment shaped her and may have been behind so many failed marriages. An honest and vulnerable presentation.

[Kimberly Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book opened my eyes to some anger and hurt I didn't even realize I was still holding on to. Forgiveness isn't an easy thing for me, it never has been, but this book is a good read for those of us struggling with it.

[Damon Hawkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I related to this book much more than I thought I would. It is written in language that is simple and easy to understand. The author's sincere transparency and humility kept me deeply engaged. God used this book to speak to me and draw me closer to Him.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is simply incredible. Ruth Graham is definitely her father's daughter. I can't even fathom how treasured she must be in Heaven and on Earth! Definitely suggest this to every human ever!

[Robin Janda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful and surprising.

[Daniel Harding · Rating 4 out of 5]

Clear and to the point. The reality and hope of forgiveness, including that of self, is displayed clearly. So too is the reality of the brokenness and hard work that must be employed.

[Ji Heng · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book to keep and revisit in future. To remember: (1) making our wounds sacred and (2) displaying the character of God

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written and inspiring. I really appreciated the openness of the author through their own experiences with the journey of forgiveness.

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clear and practical Biblical wisdom. I appreciated the deep dive in all aspects of forgiveness—things that I’ve never considered to be apart of the journey.

[Aminata Coote · Rating 4 out of 5]

The ability to forgive is one that many people struggle with. This book by Ruth Graham is a comprehensive look at the process of forgiveness. According to the author, forgiveness is holy. Forgiveness is an opportunity to participate in the character of God.

Forgiveness is a process–one that takes time and effort from the person doing the forgiving. As Christians, we need to get beyond the point where we believe someone has to repent or ask for forgiveness before we forgive them.

Forgiveness is more about us that the person who wronged us. Forgiveness is a choice we make to move on with our lives.

I found this book to be well-written and easy to read. The author was transparent about her journey and encouraged us to be the same.

I was given a copy of Forgiving My Father, Forgiving Myself as part of the Baker Books blogger review program; a positive review was not required.

[victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was totally powerful writing and compelling to read with also very inspire, encourage and giving us to know and understanding more of how to forgiveness without fair and with sharing experience from the author of this book. It will guide you to finding the easy way to start with forgiveness to yourself first and trust with God’s word because he always love you and forgiving you from the very beginning to the end. I highly recommend to everyone must to read this book. “ I received complimentary a copy of this book from Baker Books Bloggers for this review”.

[Christine Norman · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a child growing up in a ministry household, I experienced the "ministry first" environment. Then, I married a minister and created a "ministry-first" household. So, I was very interested in her personal experiences and struggles both as a child and as an adult. She has a lot of emphasis on the dysfunctional lives of Biblical characters. While this is helpful in understanding forgiveness, I would rather know how to avoid the problems.
It's always good to know that recovery from the near-fatal wounds of life is possible. Her courageous battle against unforgiveness should be applauded.