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Truth by His Hand
I never thought I’d have a sexual awakening at 34, but, well…here I am: River Burke, novice deviant and master class neurotic mess. With my laundry list of control issues, submission doesn’t exactly come naturally, but I figure if I can find the right person—someone big, buff, and crazy intimidating—maybe I can learn to let go.
And then in walks Ellison Fitch.
He’s not at all what I thought I was looking for, but with his piercing eyes, his too-personal questions, and his brilliant mind, he’s under my skin from the moment we meet. He makes me squirm in all the best ways with nothing but a look and a word, and I can see he loves that as much as I do. I thought I wanted someone to push me around, but it turns out I want someone to take me apart.
While Ellison systematically dismantles every one of my barriers, I can’t help but wonder if he’ll ever drop his for me. Does he even want to let me in, or am I too lost, too broken to fill his needs the way he fills mine? I have to know, because now that I’ve had a taste of submission at his hand, I can’t stop thinking about how good it felt to be on my knees for him.
Let’s be honest here: I’m going to let this man break me into pieces. I only hope he’ll be there to put me back together again.
Truth By His Hand is a 120,000 word contemporary gay romance with strong BDSM themes and many explicit scenes. It’s a standalone novel with a guaranteed happy ending.
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First published August 25, 2017
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 164 reviews
September 5, 2017
This was pretty good and extremely well written. River suffers from a multitude of anxieties. His constant inner dialogue bogged down the story a bit. I found that delving too deeply into his issues would trigger quite a few of my own so I ended up skimming a lot of it. The story is told only from his POV and I think if written in dual pov I would've ultimately liked this much more than I did and it would have balanced it out much better. I wanted to know more of what Ellison was thinking and feeling and because I didn't I was left floundering just as much as River. Ellison was a little too analytical and therapist-like. I got that it was part of his power dynamic and he got off on it but it annoyed me just as much as it did River. However, I loved that the author delved into the idea that just because a man is smaller that does not mean he can't be just as dominant and intimidating as a man with a bigger stature. I absolutely love when authors flip shit around. I totally have a thing for smaller top/bigger bottom characters.
The BDSM was mild for me but because of River's issues it's extremely intense for him. The author did a excellent job of portraying that and I felt the intensity of the scenes through him. I loved that the author didn't use BDSM as a cure to all of River's anxieties but that the love, acceptance, understanding, and communication with a loving partner who is willing to work to help you find other ways of coping can help ease it rather than cure it. It was definitely sexy and I loved the secondary characters Mariah and Tea. Tea is genderqueer and it threw me off quite a bit when they were first introduced because it didn't immediately click as to why River referred to them as 'they' right off the bat. I loved that the author used the correct pronoun but it wouldn't have been so jarring if I had known why up front. Tea and Mariah were absolutely lovely and the perfect friends for River.
Overall this was enjoyable and recommended to BDSM lovers, who love a little hurt/comfort added to their reading.
The BDSM was mild for me but because of River's issues it's extremely intense for him. The author did a excellent job of portraying that and I felt the intensity of the scenes through him. I loved that the author didn't use BDSM as a cure to all of River's anxieties but that the love, acceptance, understanding, and communication with a loving partner who is willing to work to help you find other ways of coping can help ease it rather than cure it. It was definitely sexy and I loved the secondary characters Mariah and Tea. Tea is genderqueer and it threw me off quite a bit when they were first introduced because it didn't immediately click as to why River referred to them as 'they' right off the bat. I loved that the author used the correct pronoun but it wouldn't have been so jarring if I had known why up front. Tea and Mariah were absolutely lovely and the perfect friends for River.
Overall this was enjoyable and recommended to BDSM lovers, who love a little hurt/comfort added to their reading.
October 31, 2018
This one started off HOT and reminded me of Uneven. Rough and sexy sexual gymnastics, but the last half of the book was repetitive and it wasn't enjoyable after that. Disappointed.
2.5 stars, rounded up because of early hot sex scenes.
2.5 stars, rounded up because of early hot sex scenes.
March 4, 2021
My expectations going into this were super low.
It’s hard to find a good, solid BDSM book nowadays. I’m so picky when it comes to books in general, especially when BDSM is involved. Most books don’t get it right, or there’s one scene just so it can be tagged as BDSM when it’s really not.
Anyways. I’m pleasantly surprised. This is a book I shouldn’t have liked so much, but it caught me at the right time.
River, our MC, was a conundrum. His neurotic tendencies were a huge part of this story, and I thought it would piss me off. But instead of rolling my eyes at him, I sympathized with him.
I loved that Ellison was a mystery. A sadist, a fantastic dom, understanding with undertones of wicked humour. I loved his invasive questions, his intelligence, and his overall vibe. I cannot rave enough about his character. I just would’ve loved to see MORE, maybe a chapter in his point of view. But maybe it’s better that we didn’t get that. Like I said, the mysterious aspect was kind of a turn on.
The side characters really blew this out of the park. Mariah, River’s best friend, was an utter delight. I love how sex positive this was, and I loved seeing all the different nuances of the BDSM community and relationships.
AND A NONBINARY CHARACTER NAMED TEA! It doesn’t get better than this, folks.
I’ll be honest, I was a bit nervous at the halfway mark. Only because books usually fizzle out at this point, or there’s stupid miscoms that piss me off
I feel like these two had great communication, albeit some rough patches but that’s just life. It was very real, and although River pissed me off with his anxious thoughts (a little too close to home) I loved him. I loved his love for Ellison, and I loved how Ellison opened up after a while.
There was this one scene on their first date that really got me. The way Ellison looks at him....I won’t give anything away, but damn. This was one hot book.
Their dom/sub relationship was beautifully done. I didn’t like that River kept trying to cross boundaries with his hard limits, but in a way, I understand his reasoning. It was hard to read. But, a good dom safe words for the sub. And that’s what happened. I wanted to see more romance, but at this point, I don’t care because the BDSM was so hot.
Highly recommend to BDSM lovers.
It’s hard to find a good, solid BDSM book nowadays. I’m so picky when it comes to books in general, especially when BDSM is involved. Most books don’t get it right, or there’s one scene just so it can be tagged as BDSM when it’s really not.
Anyways. I’m pleasantly surprised. This is a book I shouldn’t have liked so much, but it caught me at the right time.
River, our MC, was a conundrum. His neurotic tendencies were a huge part of this story, and I thought it would piss me off. But instead of rolling my eyes at him, I sympathized with him.
I loved that Ellison was a mystery. A sadist, a fantastic dom, understanding with undertones of wicked humour. I loved his invasive questions, his intelligence, and his overall vibe. I cannot rave enough about his character. I just would’ve loved to see MORE, maybe a chapter in his point of view. But maybe it’s better that we didn’t get that. Like I said, the mysterious aspect was kind of a turn on.
The side characters really blew this out of the park. Mariah, River’s best friend, was an utter delight. I love how sex positive this was, and I loved seeing all the different nuances of the BDSM community and relationships.
AND A NONBINARY CHARACTER NAMED TEA! It doesn’t get better than this, folks.
I’ll be honest, I was a bit nervous at the halfway mark. Only because books usually fizzle out at this point, or there’s stupid miscoms that piss me off
I feel like these two had great communication, albeit some rough patches but that’s just life. It was very real, and although River pissed me off with his anxious thoughts (a little too close to home) I loved him. I loved his love for Ellison, and I loved how Ellison opened up after a while.
There was this one scene on their first date that really got me. The way Ellison looks at him....I won’t give anything away, but damn. This was one hot book.
Their dom/sub relationship was beautifully done. I didn’t like that River kept trying to cross boundaries with his hard limits, but in a way, I understand his reasoning. It was hard to read. But, a good dom safe words for the sub. And that’s what happened. I wanted to see more romance, but at this point, I don’t care because the BDSM was so hot.
Highly recommend to BDSM lovers.
September 24, 2024
This book was wild. Shrinkflation Christian Grey belts this guy's ass twice and he's so dickmatised he's all "but Daddy, I love him!" This is the thinking girl's pornography, written by someone who heard someone else say, "BDSM requires open communication" and just ran with it. When these characters aren't having (admittedly hot) sex, they're having very long, very involved conversations about their most intimate feelings, absolutely no holds barred, nothing left to the imagination, nothing left to tantalise the viewer, just spaffing their deepest darkest secrets into each other's faces, and it makes the whole thing read like one long and incredibly unethical therapy appointment.
I give it 2 stars because for the first half of the book, River's inner monologue was torturously relatable, and I actually liked Ellison (though I have no idea why this man can be bothered with River). I unashamedly love this genre but this book does exemplify some of the worst things about it, which is that it's drawn-out, it's wordy, and oh my good lord is it repetitive. My rating is: definitely better than Axel's Pup, whose characters enraged me to the point where I was ready to bite my phone in half, but far too annoying to warrant any more than two stars.
I give it 2 stars because for the first half of the book, River's inner monologue was torturously relatable, and I actually liked Ellison (though I have no idea why this man can be bothered with River). I unashamedly love this genre but this book does exemplify some of the worst things about it, which is that it's drawn-out, it's wordy, and oh my good lord is it repetitive. My rating is: definitely better than Axel's Pup, whose characters enraged me to the point where I was ready to bite my phone in half, but far too annoying to warrant any more than two stars.
September 26, 2022
It’s no secret that well-written kink exploration and (consensual) limit pushing are the way to my little dark heart.
My ultimate weakness (well, one of them, to be completely honest 🙈). My catnip! There’s no point resisting, just let me roll around in it foreverrr…
So! When it comes to that, this book was super fun. I enjoyed it a lot, and I’m not only talking about the scenes between River and Ellison (which were intense and hot and authentic in the best way) — it was amazing, and very refreshing, to read about such a kink- body- and sex-positive peer group! Mariah and Tea! 😍 Deirdre and Ravi. 🔥 And let’s not forget Stephen the Worm. 🤭 One thing’s for sure, River’s finally found his safe place. 😌
However, it was far from perfect. The book’s not exempt from the classic old ‘drama at 80% or thereabouts,’ which was rather ott and broke the flow of the story, imo. It was jarring (see the bit about consensual limit pushing above), and also a little childish of River? I dunno. It clashed. The ending was too cutesy for me, too, but that’s 100% my issue.
All in all, I liked this book, and I really liked the positive — but not, hmm, neutered — portrayal of the BDSM community in it.
My ultimate weakness (well, one of them, to be completely honest 🙈). My catnip! There’s no point resisting, just let me roll around in it foreverrr…
So! When it comes to that, this book was super fun. I enjoyed it a lot, and I’m not only talking about the scenes between River and Ellison (which were intense and hot and authentic in the best way) — it was amazing, and very refreshing, to read about such a kink- body- and sex-positive peer group! Mariah and Tea! 😍 Deirdre and Ravi. 🔥 And let’s not forget Stephen the Worm. 🤭 One thing’s for sure, River’s finally found his safe place. 😌
However, it was far from perfect. The book’s not exempt from the classic old ‘drama at 80% or thereabouts,’ which was rather ott and broke the flow of the story, imo. It was jarring (see the bit about consensual limit pushing above), and also a little childish of River? I dunno. It clashed. The ending was too cutesy for me, too, but that’s 100% my issue.
All in all, I liked this book, and I really liked the positive — but not, hmm, neutered — portrayal of the BDSM community in it.
May 8, 2018
This was a real journey of self discovery. All from the POV of River, his thoughts, fears and anxieties were shared as he discovered what made him tick. He realized his ideas and misconceptions about BDSM were exactly that, and he slowly stepped into this world with strong support and guidance from Ellison. His connection with Ellison was beautiful and it was great that the author took the time to allow the story to unfold- this was not rushed. Their love was unique and I’m so glad it wasn’t an insta love / insta obey story - thus felt very real and genuine. I really enjoyed this one.
January 14, 2018
3.5 - 4 stars
This was interesting and gave me a different viewpoint to a BDSM relationship that I hadn't read before, but ultimately I thought it was missing something.
River writes an online fantasy/sci-fi comic and he's copping some flack on social media in regards to power dynamics, etc... of some of his characters. For research, his kinky friend, Mariah, takes him to a BDSM party to expand his horizons and gain some experience in order to help make his comic better (and maybe find his kinky self along the way). Now, River has a boatload of anxiety and some other issues that make his day-to-day life a struggle, he also has some ill-informed ideas about what he likes and who should be able to give it to him. He brushes Ellison off at first, not believing that a shorter, slimmer Dom can give him what he needs. After he's proved wrong the two strike up a relationship, which, due to River's issues has many conditions. As such, their scenes are a combination of successes and struggles.
I enjoyed the start of this. River's issues were interesting and the author conveyed his fledgling foray into BDSM really well. He wasn't all gung-ho and rushing headfirst into things. He knew he was inexperienced and treaded carefully. I loved the dynamic of the smaller Dom absolutely dismantling the larger sub. And I appreciated how there was a connection but no Insta-love.
What I struggled with was River being the sole-narrator. Because of his issues he doesn't always see the world clearly. As such, he could be very selfish and ignore Ellison's own needs. I didn't always like him so it would have been helpful to see him from Ellison's POV.
I ended up skimming parts toward the end because I felt like being in River's head was a bit 'been there, done that, had enough', but the ending and the pace that they had taken their relationship felt true to them and River's issues.
Overall I liked how the author tried to convey someone who struggled with anxiety but still wanted to submit fully to a partner. I just wish we could have gotten Ellison's POV to even it out.
This was interesting and gave me a different viewpoint to a BDSM relationship that I hadn't read before, but ultimately I thought it was missing something.
River writes an online fantasy/sci-fi comic and he's copping some flack on social media in regards to power dynamics, etc... of some of his characters. For research, his kinky friend, Mariah, takes him to a BDSM party to expand his horizons and gain some experience in order to help make his comic better (and maybe find his kinky self along the way). Now, River has a boatload of anxiety and some other issues that make his day-to-day life a struggle, he also has some ill-informed ideas about what he likes and who should be able to give it to him. He brushes Ellison off at first, not believing that a shorter, slimmer Dom can give him what he needs. After he's proved wrong the two strike up a relationship, which, due to River's issues has many conditions. As such, their scenes are a combination of successes and struggles.
I enjoyed the start of this. River's issues were interesting and the author conveyed his fledgling foray into BDSM really well. He wasn't all gung-ho and rushing headfirst into things. He knew he was inexperienced and treaded carefully. I loved the dynamic of the smaller Dom absolutely dismantling the larger sub. And I appreciated how there was a connection but no Insta-love.
What I struggled with was River being the sole-narrator. Because of his issues he doesn't always see the world clearly. As such, he could be very selfish and ignore Ellison's own needs. I didn't always like him so it would have been helpful to see him from Ellison's POV.
I ended up skimming parts toward the end because I felt like being in River's head was a bit 'been there, done that, had enough', but the ending and the pace that they had taken their relationship felt true to them and River's issues.
Overall I liked how the author tried to convey someone who struggled with anxiety but still wanted to submit fully to a partner. I just wish we could have gotten Ellison's POV to even it out.
April 20, 2025
I relistened to this once. The narration is pleasant and I like we only have one point of view. But I miss the arc. This is just River thinking about sex, having sex and talking with an unpleasantly sex obsessed friend. Rinse and repeat.
Any tension, drama, uncertainty or slightly interesting occurrence, you have to make up yourself.
One plus: the characters are very well developed.
Any tension, drama, uncertainty or slightly interesting occurrence, you have to make up yourself.
One plus: the characters are very well developed.
May 22, 2022
I loved this book. River and Ellison appealed to me enormously -- River with his anxieties, his OCD, his loving heart, & his courage; Ellison with his insight, his kindness, & his care. The sex scenes are among the most intense & hottest I've ever read, and the moments when they each find their limits & the other responds to their distress left me kind of choked up. Also, Casey Cameron writes well, and I don't mean just in the sex scenes. I'm shoving this book at all my kinky friends.
I'm somewhat mystified by the reviewers who think the author doesn't know anything about BDSM, or that the book presents BDSM in a bad light. Er ... no? Every single scene in the book is fully consensual and honestly all the characters are lovely people. I see the objection made that Ellison is emotionally somewhat remote for a long time -- which, yes, this is a romance and there has to be at least one major emotional obstacle, them's the rules of the genre, and River is no picnic either! -- but Ellison never mistreats River or (except for their mutual pleasure) shames or humiliates him. He continually praises and admires him, he pushes River *because River wants to be pushed,* he showers River with physical affection, and his aftercare is exemplary. He's quite sadistic, but then River is quite masochistic, so I'm not seeing a problem there. Finally, River starts out a novice & sure, he progresses far and fast, but this is a *romance* and the protagonists' relationship is idealized, duh. Obviously people starting out in BDSM shouldn't treat a novel as a manual, but still they could do a lot worse than to emulate the ethics and affection shown by the characters in this book.
Should I ding a star for having the worst title that was ever titled? Nah, I'm feeling generous.
I'm somewhat mystified by the reviewers who think the author doesn't know anything about BDSM, or that the book presents BDSM in a bad light. Er ... no? Every single scene in the book is fully consensual and honestly all the characters are lovely people. I see the objection made that Ellison is emotionally somewhat remote for a long time -- which, yes, this is a romance and there has to be at least one major emotional obstacle, them's the rules of the genre, and River is no picnic either! -- but Ellison never mistreats River or (except for their mutual pleasure) shames or humiliates him. He continually praises and admires him, he pushes River *because River wants to be pushed,* he showers River with physical affection, and his aftercare is exemplary. He's quite sadistic, but then River is quite masochistic, so I'm not seeing a problem there. Finally, River starts out a novice & sure, he progresses far and fast, but this is a *romance* and the protagonists' relationship is idealized, duh. Obviously people starting out in BDSM shouldn't treat a novel as a manual, but still they could do a lot worse than to emulate the ethics and affection shown by the characters in this book.
Should I ding a star for having the worst title that was ever titled? Nah, I'm feeling generous.
June 23, 2025
Overall book rating: 3.8
Audio Book: N/A
Book Cover: 3
I'm really sure I reviewed this but I can't find
anything so...
BDSM is a very iffy genre to me. I like certain things
about it, and mostly it's a bunch of outright nonsense
or half-baked stories.
I like a Dom with a strong presence, the X factor so to
say. That little something else.
Not particularly because of the kink or such, although
that can be yummy if done right (also unfortunately
mostly NOT done right)
I like the emotional connection. The push and pull.
Ellison had the x factor. He had presence, he had
that something that made me sit up and take note
in the opening scenes.
River. Well, I did like him in the beginning.
I didn't "dislike" him in the end.
Mariah irritated the 50 shades of grey out of me.
She didn't read real to me, but then again, I'm known
for not being crazy about over the top characters.
It's a pet peeve.
So I'm giving my 3.8 stars to the feel Ellison
brought to this story mostly. It was enjoyable.
Audio Book: N/A
Book Cover: 3
I'm really sure I reviewed this but I can't find
anything so...
BDSM is a very iffy genre to me. I like certain things
about it, and mostly it's a bunch of outright nonsense
or half-baked stories.
I like a Dom with a strong presence, the X factor so to
say. That little something else.
Not particularly because of the kink or such, although
that can be yummy if done right (also unfortunately
mostly NOT done right)
I like the emotional connection. The push and pull.
Ellison had the x factor. He had presence, he had
that something that made me sit up and take note
in the opening scenes.
River. Well, I did like him in the beginning.
I didn't "dislike" him in the end.
Mariah irritated the 50 shades of grey out of me.
She didn't read real to me, but then again, I'm known
for not being crazy about over the top characters.
It's a pet peeve.
So I'm giving my 3.8 stars to the feel Ellison
brought to this story mostly. It was enjoyable.
August 23, 2021
I knew I was going to love this book from about 2% when the MMC laughs at himself during the meet-cute and says "well, I've had a lot of therapy." This book was like a dream come true.
✅ exploration of sex made meaningful via an equally important inner journey for the MC
✅ bookish, reserved dominant love interest whose silent currents run deep
✅ all the queer rep via some unique, diverse characters (from 2017!)
✅ buoyant, self-aware humor and internal dialogue replete with psychobabble
✅ impeccable coverage of BDSM and downright consent porn
✅ fairly high-quality writing with some particularly memorable prose and oh-so-many YAAASSSS moments
To end with another quote, just because I can: "Very satisfying. I highly recommend it(178)."
RIYL: For Real,
How to Bang a Billionaire (River occasionally has big Arden St. Ives energy - "I'm not into orgasm denial. Quite the opposite, in fact - I'm into orgasm granting, as frequently as possible(82)."),
Love Language
"Maybe this was a way I could learn more about myself and have some fun getting laid at the same time. Maybe I'd find my true self under a Dom's firm hand. Or maybe I'd just spend a lot of time getting whipped and wishing I was watching TV instead. But at least I'd know(21)."
✅ exploration of sex made meaningful via an equally important inner journey for the MC
✅ bookish, reserved dominant love interest whose silent currents run deep
✅ all the queer rep via some unique, diverse characters (from 2017!)
✅ buoyant, self-aware humor and internal dialogue replete with psychobabble
✅ impeccable coverage of BDSM and downright consent porn
✅ fairly high-quality writing with some particularly memorable prose and oh-so-many YAAASSSS moments
To end with another quote, just because I can: "Very satisfying. I highly recommend it(178)."
RIYL: For Real,
How to Bang a Billionaire (River occasionally has big Arden St. Ives energy - "I'm not into orgasm denial. Quite the opposite, in fact - I'm into orgasm granting, as frequently as possible(82)."),
Love Language
November 12, 2021
I don’t think I realized how encompassing the BDSM would be in this… it’s not just a part of the story, it is the story.
And as well written as the story was and as much as I liked the characters, I don’t really care for BDSM. I don’t dislike it, I just have pretty much zero interest in it, so at times this was a bit of a chore to read.
I was hoping I was nearing the end and realized I was only 48% in. I debated taking a break and reading something else before coming back to it. And I debated DNFing it. In the end, I never found a good spot to stop and just kept reading one more chapter and then finally I was done.
I did really enjoy the writing, and though I haven’t looked at any of the author’s other books, I think if there was something without the BDSM, it would work out better for me.
And as well written as the story was and as much as I liked the characters, I don’t really care for BDSM. I don’t dislike it, I just have pretty much zero interest in it, so at times this was a bit of a chore to read.
I was hoping I was nearing the end and realized I was only 48% in. I debated taking a break and reading something else before coming back to it. And I debated DNFing it. In the end, I never found a good spot to stop and just kept reading one more chapter and then finally I was done.
I did really enjoy the writing, and though I haven’t looked at any of the author’s other books, I think if there was something without the BDSM, it would work out better for me.
April 6, 2020
Love of the Messy Bits, Too!
This is a somewhat unsettling but intriguing tale about a neurotic, online comic book Artist River Burke & Dom, Professor Ellison Fitch who meets at a Speed Kink Night party. Initially, for most of the story, I was leery of machiavellian-ish Ellison’s character towards messy but lovable River. However, I had to remind myself that there’s a HEA ending to this story. It’s a well-written with good pacing and interesting co-characters yarn. It’s also a psychological BDSM study where the dominance of mind is just as powerful as physical strength. Very good read!
This is a somewhat unsettling but intriguing tale about a neurotic, online comic book Artist River Burke & Dom, Professor Ellison Fitch who meets at a Speed Kink Night party. Initially, for most of the story, I was leery of machiavellian-ish Ellison’s character towards messy but lovable River. However, I had to remind myself that there’s a HEA ending to this story. It’s a well-written with good pacing and interesting co-characters yarn. It’s also a psychological BDSM study where the dominance of mind is just as powerful as physical strength. Very good read!
August 21, 2022
Pretty hardcore kink
without enough connection.
Wish it were better.
without enough connection.
Wish it were better.
January 9, 2019
Realistic BDSM Portrayal and Emotional Ride (audiobook review)
This review is a long time coming and I’m still not convinced I’m up to the task. My instinct is to write more of an academic paper, but that’s not why I’m here. My job is to tell you all the things I loved (and didn’t) about the book so you can make an informed decision about whether this is a book you might want to listen to. So, here goes.
I have listened to this book twice and could easily, in a heartbeat, listen to it again and then another time. This from a woman who rarely listens to something twice. I love books, but once is usually enough. With Casey Cameron’s ‘Truth by his Hand’, twice doesn’t even feel sufficient. I haven’t even scratched the surface of what is beneath the outer layer of this book. As soon as it came out on Audible, the synopsis intrigued me. I love BDSM and m/m is at the top of my reading preferences these days, so why did I hesitate?
Because of River, I think.
It is very powerful to have an awakening. At any age. But a sexual awakening at 34? That is something extra special because you believe you’ve seen and done it all. Then you meet someone or watch a video or read a book and suddenly…poof, your whole life has been turned on its head. You realize there is something you have been missing. Your people. You didn’t realize there were people out there like you. Sure, many people have heard about BDSM, but how many have truly investigated it? Felt drawn to it? Acted on that curiosity?
I have. And I was in my late thirties, so I could relate to River on so many levels. Especially his perception of what a Dom should be. Strong, tall, and frankly, dominant. Someone who can physically restrain him and bend River towards his will. The first time River meets Ellison, he dismisses the man out of hand. Too short, too…well, not what River had in his mind. Quickly, though, he sees the error of his ways. Being manhandled by a big burly guy is one thing – being fucked over by a master dominant with piercing eyes and uncanny perceptiveness is something quite different. And the mind fucking? Oh, that is a whole other level of fuckery.
After a particularly deep and harrowing scene, Ellison asks River how he is feeling. River responds:
“Good. Drained. Wired. Did you get what you wanted out of it?” I’d wanted a release. A violent burst of passion to free me from the cacophony of my own thoughts. I wanted the meditative stillness that comes after when your whole body is wrecked from the effect of pouring out all that overwhelming emotion. And here I was, blank and clean. And I’d wanted intimacy, even if it had been for all the wrong reasons. I’d cried in front of him. He’d seen me all red-faced, snotty, and inappropriately loud and he hadn’t run. He’d simply held me and told me how good I was and how proud he was of me. Even if it wasn’t true, it still meant something that he cared enough to say it. So…yeah, maybe I’d gotten what I wanted.
“I guess I did,” I said, nestling deeper into the crook of his arm. “Did you?”
He chuckled softly and kissed the top of my head. Tender. “Yes. You were magnificent.”
River wanted to break down – to experience catharsis – but hadn’t believed himself capable. And you might be questioning why someone would want that, but it is something so powerful that I find it very challenging to explain in words. For vanilla people – people who don’t need or want pain to get them to that point – the equivalent might be a good ugly cry. The sobbing, body-wracking tears that leave you almost unable to breathe because the psychological pain is so acute. Some people achieve this when a loved one dies, when a dream dies, or even during a really good book. Sometimes you just need to let everything out and those events allow you to vent and/or grieve while having a good reason. If you can’t stand in the woods and howl in pain, a good ugly cry is a great alternative and probably less chaotic—less likely to make you feel unstable.
Some of us need physical pain to take us to that place. Sometimes it’s planned and sometimes a scene goes sideways, and you fall to pieces quite unexpectedly. In some ways, those are the best times because you can just let go – put yourself in someone else’s hands, and if they are a good partner, they will be there to catch you. It is tempting to feel like a failure when you cry or even fall to pieces in a scene, especially if that wasn’t the plan, but it’s the opposite of failure – it’s success in the best way. And it goes a long way to fixing what might be wrong.
Interestingly, Ellison’s “greatest fear has always been that I might hurt someone in a way that can’t be fixed. So I’m careful.” Ellison recognizes, even before River is able to, that physical damage is far easier to heal than emotional pain, and when River pushes Ellison into hurting him or pushing him psychologically, Ellison is reticent. But it leads to a beautiful scene where Ellison tells River, “You were perfect. You were brave for me and so, so beautiful.”
And then a sudden realization: “I could do anything to you couldn’t I?”
Is there a right answer to that question? As a submissive and bottom, River wants to please his ‘Sir’. Submissives often wonder what their Tops get out of the experience. As a recipient of such affection – often shown in violent (but consensual) ways – the bottom gets the euphoria, the endorphins, the rush of pleasure and pain. So what does the Top get? Aside from the feeling of power, I’ve been told they like the responsibility of holding someone in their hands, so to speak, and being responsible for them. I think that is why aftercare is so important for both parties in a scene – because many Tops need reassurance that they are not bad people and their bottoms still ‘love’ them.
Except Sadists. Many sadists could care less, although there is a wide range with them as well. Ellison is not a Sadist. He inflicts pain not just to get off, but to bring something to his partner. Pain, of course, but something less tangible as well. Call it connection, call it affection, call it caring – there is a two-way exchange that is one of the most intimate activities one can engage in. Sex is right up there, of course, but so is putting yourself in someone’s hands and trusting them. Or having them place themselves in your hands and trust you won’t hurt them beyond what they can endure. Beyond what they have negotiated.
The relationship development between River and Ellison is critical to the progression of the book. That being said, there are some amazing secondary characters. I loved Deidre and Ravi, especially Ravi’s retelling of his first ‘scene’. There was a complete realism to the event and his acknowledgement that it went bad, and the reason why was a cautionary tale. There are reasons why there are classes in BDSM. Why mentoring – for both the Top and the bottom – are so important. Ravi and Deidre provided good explanations as to why they chose to do the extreme scenes they do and what they get out of it. And, as Mariah assures River, kinksters are not born in the womb, and each one goes on a journey.
And Mariah? OMG, I LOVE this woman! Not only because she doesn’t let a physical disability hold her back, but because she is so brutally honest – about everything. Her experience allows her to validate River’s perceptions, to challenge his misconceptions, and to guide him into the world of BDSM. She is also able to vet perspective Tops. This is so important. Someone new to the scene (or even people who have been around for a while) should not just jump into a scene with someone they don’t know or who hasn’t been vetted. And people within the community are, for the most part, willing to share their experiences. Mariah is a mentor for River and this is an important role. So are the munches where River can meet other kinksters in a vanilla setting. No pressure to dress up in gear (or down to nothing), and just a place to hang. In fact, the novel begins at a speed-dating event for kinksters. “Speed Kink Night.” A brilliant idea if I have ever heard one.
Speaking of secondary characters, I love ‘T’. They are a character who doesn’t identify as either male or female. If the listener hasn’t experienced a character like this before, the pronoun choices can be confusing. I have friends who choose to identify as ‘them’ or ‘they’. Whether as an acknowledgement of the hegemony of binary sexuality or simply to show support to people who don’t want to be identified, the choice is more prominent in the kinkster community. I would like to believe it is because many kinksters aren’t hung up on gender roles. They are open to more than labels. Anyway, T’s quiet but consistent presence works well. They know about River’s true heart’s work and can hold a mirror up to River, helping him see where things might be not working.
I want to give a quick shout-out to Michael Fell, the narrator. I hadn’t listened to a book narrated by him, but now, even a month later, I can still hear his voice. His performance was pitch-perfect and I adored him. He brought authenticity to River’s vulnerability and internal monologues. His Mariah was fabulous and his Ellison just worked for me in so many ways. I will be looking for more books narrated by him. And if they were written by Casey Cameron? Oh, that’s an auto-buy for me. But I digress…
Another aspect of the book that I liked a lot is the discussion of triggers. Many vanilla people posit that only mentally ill people engage in BDSM. Not true. In fact, there is a lower rate of mental illness (I have read a couple of studies). Many people in BDSM are more self-aware. You almost have to be if you are going to trust someone so completely. Ellison says to River, “You’re very self-aware,” and River replied, “Well, I’ve had a lot of therapy.” I am going to leave it at that because I want readers to discover River in their own way. In that self-awareness, though, is his ability to recognize triggers. In his desire to push through them, though, he makes a few missteps. River also has an uncanny ability to get inside his head and stay there, losing touch with what is going on around him. Ellison recognizes this and adjusts their interactions so he can not only keep River present, but help him fight his demons as well.
But with that kind of power, comes great responsibility. Which Ellison recognizes:
“I’ve had more of an effect on you than I had intended.” He sighed, his hands slack on my shoulder.
“You’re so eager to please me. It didn’t occur to me that it meant I could essentially mold you, turn you into my perfect idealized submissive just by guiding you to fulfill my desires.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” Maybe I was well-fucked and sleep-addled but I was pretty sure he wasn’t making a sense. “I…thought that was kind of the point.”
“Not to this extent. No.” He sighed again, finally moving his hands to gently stroke my arm. I tried to keep it from soothing my objections away but, God, his touch just felt so good.
“I didn’t want to change you. I didn’t want to remake you just to please me.”
“Well, you did. And I don’t really care,” I said with a shrug. “I’m having a good time.”
“Maybe you should explore a little more. With other people who could show you other ways to do this.”
The sting of the words startled me. Like a branch suddenly whipping me in the face.
“Are you really suggesting that I see other people? Because we had a discussion about this and you might remember I had some very clear feelings on the matter. That’s something you definitely haven’t changed about me.”
“I don’t mean as an ongoing thing, just for a while, just to have a few more experiences. I’m not thrilled about the idea of sharing you, but I want to do this thing in a way that is healthy for you.”
“Okay, well here’s a pro-tip – it’s not healthy for me if you try to foist me off on someone else. It makes me feel really shitty, actually. Maybe don’t do that.”
My brain is not malleable.
I know that was a long passage and I don’t think there were any spoilers, but I think it clearly demonstrates why this is such a great book. The self-awareness isn’t just on River’s side. There is a lot of contemplation and reflection in this book – clearly for both, even if the entire book is in River’s point of view. Often, when there is one point of view, I want to see inside the other character’s mind. Ms. Cameron’s writing is so accurate and full that I didn’t feel that way. Plus, being inside the mind of a Top can be wonky. Whether they are a woman or a man, whether they are sadistic or not, Tops are a whole other can of worms.
Finally, I love that there was consent. There was a safeword, of course, but both men understand that things go both ways – it is a dialogue. And sometimes, the Top needs to use the safeword. As it is noted, ‘consent goes both ways and if he was uncomfortable, he has a right to stop’.
I cannot say enough good things about this book. There are plenty of good BDSM books out there, have no doubt. There are plenty of crappy BDSM books out there. Those are mostly (and clearly) written by people who are not in the community. Nothing wrong with writing about something you don’t know about, and I get that some writers do it out of curiosity and others do it for money, but I feel there is a need for BDSM books that accurately reflect the truth of BDSM. I have no idea if Ms. Cameron participates in BDSM or not, but it doesn’t matter because her book is so authentic. So whether written from personal experience or by fantastic and thorough research, this is one of the best BDSM books I’ve ever read.
Do I think everyone should read this? Yep. The caveat being that if there are triggers or BDSM is not your thing, then probably not. But any reader who is curious and wants authenticity, this is your book. I adore these men and their journey spoke to me in ways that many books just don’t. The emotional intensity and psychological punch made me come back to the book and I will likely listen to it again. I will sign off with two final quotes. Both are from River and perfectly sum up his new (and fantastic) life:
My cruel tyrant. My Sir. My love. The man who could open me up with a single look and spill all my secrets like glittering beads of the floor.
“I’ve put myself in the hands of a Sadist”.
Yep, a man after my own heart.
This review is a long time coming and I’m still not convinced I’m up to the task. My instinct is to write more of an academic paper, but that’s not why I’m here. My job is to tell you all the things I loved (and didn’t) about the book so you can make an informed decision about whether this is a book you might want to listen to. So, here goes.
I have listened to this book twice and could easily, in a heartbeat, listen to it again and then another time. This from a woman who rarely listens to something twice. I love books, but once is usually enough. With Casey Cameron’s ‘Truth by his Hand’, twice doesn’t even feel sufficient. I haven’t even scratched the surface of what is beneath the outer layer of this book. As soon as it came out on Audible, the synopsis intrigued me. I love BDSM and m/m is at the top of my reading preferences these days, so why did I hesitate?
Because of River, I think.
It is very powerful to have an awakening. At any age. But a sexual awakening at 34? That is something extra special because you believe you’ve seen and done it all. Then you meet someone or watch a video or read a book and suddenly…poof, your whole life has been turned on its head. You realize there is something you have been missing. Your people. You didn’t realize there were people out there like you. Sure, many people have heard about BDSM, but how many have truly investigated it? Felt drawn to it? Acted on that curiosity?
I have. And I was in my late thirties, so I could relate to River on so many levels. Especially his perception of what a Dom should be. Strong, tall, and frankly, dominant. Someone who can physically restrain him and bend River towards his will. The first time River meets Ellison, he dismisses the man out of hand. Too short, too…well, not what River had in his mind. Quickly, though, he sees the error of his ways. Being manhandled by a big burly guy is one thing – being fucked over by a master dominant with piercing eyes and uncanny perceptiveness is something quite different. And the mind fucking? Oh, that is a whole other level of fuckery.
After a particularly deep and harrowing scene, Ellison asks River how he is feeling. River responds:
“Good. Drained. Wired. Did you get what you wanted out of it?” I’d wanted a release. A violent burst of passion to free me from the cacophony of my own thoughts. I wanted the meditative stillness that comes after when your whole body is wrecked from the effect of pouring out all that overwhelming emotion. And here I was, blank and clean. And I’d wanted intimacy, even if it had been for all the wrong reasons. I’d cried in front of him. He’d seen me all red-faced, snotty, and inappropriately loud and he hadn’t run. He’d simply held me and told me how good I was and how proud he was of me. Even if it wasn’t true, it still meant something that he cared enough to say it. So…yeah, maybe I’d gotten what I wanted.
“I guess I did,” I said, nestling deeper into the crook of his arm. “Did you?”
He chuckled softly and kissed the top of my head. Tender. “Yes. You were magnificent.”
River wanted to break down – to experience catharsis – but hadn’t believed himself capable. And you might be questioning why someone would want that, but it is something so powerful that I find it very challenging to explain in words. For vanilla people – people who don’t need or want pain to get them to that point – the equivalent might be a good ugly cry. The sobbing, body-wracking tears that leave you almost unable to breathe because the psychological pain is so acute. Some people achieve this when a loved one dies, when a dream dies, or even during a really good book. Sometimes you just need to let everything out and those events allow you to vent and/or grieve while having a good reason. If you can’t stand in the woods and howl in pain, a good ugly cry is a great alternative and probably less chaotic—less likely to make you feel unstable.
Some of us need physical pain to take us to that place. Sometimes it’s planned and sometimes a scene goes sideways, and you fall to pieces quite unexpectedly. In some ways, those are the best times because you can just let go – put yourself in someone else’s hands, and if they are a good partner, they will be there to catch you. It is tempting to feel like a failure when you cry or even fall to pieces in a scene, especially if that wasn’t the plan, but it’s the opposite of failure – it’s success in the best way. And it goes a long way to fixing what might be wrong.
Interestingly, Ellison’s “greatest fear has always been that I might hurt someone in a way that can’t be fixed. So I’m careful.” Ellison recognizes, even before River is able to, that physical damage is far easier to heal than emotional pain, and when River pushes Ellison into hurting him or pushing him psychologically, Ellison is reticent. But it leads to a beautiful scene where Ellison tells River, “You were perfect. You were brave for me and so, so beautiful.”
And then a sudden realization: “I could do anything to you couldn’t I?”
Is there a right answer to that question? As a submissive and bottom, River wants to please his ‘Sir’. Submissives often wonder what their Tops get out of the experience. As a recipient of such affection – often shown in violent (but consensual) ways – the bottom gets the euphoria, the endorphins, the rush of pleasure and pain. So what does the Top get? Aside from the feeling of power, I’ve been told they like the responsibility of holding someone in their hands, so to speak, and being responsible for them. I think that is why aftercare is so important for both parties in a scene – because many Tops need reassurance that they are not bad people and their bottoms still ‘love’ them.
Except Sadists. Many sadists could care less, although there is a wide range with them as well. Ellison is not a Sadist. He inflicts pain not just to get off, but to bring something to his partner. Pain, of course, but something less tangible as well. Call it connection, call it affection, call it caring – there is a two-way exchange that is one of the most intimate activities one can engage in. Sex is right up there, of course, but so is putting yourself in someone’s hands and trusting them. Or having them place themselves in your hands and trust you won’t hurt them beyond what they can endure. Beyond what they have negotiated.
The relationship development between River and Ellison is critical to the progression of the book. That being said, there are some amazing secondary characters. I loved Deidre and Ravi, especially Ravi’s retelling of his first ‘scene’. There was a complete realism to the event and his acknowledgement that it went bad, and the reason why was a cautionary tale. There are reasons why there are classes in BDSM. Why mentoring – for both the Top and the bottom – are so important. Ravi and Deidre provided good explanations as to why they chose to do the extreme scenes they do and what they get out of it. And, as Mariah assures River, kinksters are not born in the womb, and each one goes on a journey.
And Mariah? OMG, I LOVE this woman! Not only because she doesn’t let a physical disability hold her back, but because she is so brutally honest – about everything. Her experience allows her to validate River’s perceptions, to challenge his misconceptions, and to guide him into the world of BDSM. She is also able to vet perspective Tops. This is so important. Someone new to the scene (or even people who have been around for a while) should not just jump into a scene with someone they don’t know or who hasn’t been vetted. And people within the community are, for the most part, willing to share their experiences. Mariah is a mentor for River and this is an important role. So are the munches where River can meet other kinksters in a vanilla setting. No pressure to dress up in gear (or down to nothing), and just a place to hang. In fact, the novel begins at a speed-dating event for kinksters. “Speed Kink Night.” A brilliant idea if I have ever heard one.
Speaking of secondary characters, I love ‘T’. They are a character who doesn’t identify as either male or female. If the listener hasn’t experienced a character like this before, the pronoun choices can be confusing. I have friends who choose to identify as ‘them’ or ‘they’. Whether as an acknowledgement of the hegemony of binary sexuality or simply to show support to people who don’t want to be identified, the choice is more prominent in the kinkster community. I would like to believe it is because many kinksters aren’t hung up on gender roles. They are open to more than labels. Anyway, T’s quiet but consistent presence works well. They know about River’s true heart’s work and can hold a mirror up to River, helping him see where things might be not working.
I want to give a quick shout-out to Michael Fell, the narrator. I hadn’t listened to a book narrated by him, but now, even a month later, I can still hear his voice. His performance was pitch-perfect and I adored him. He brought authenticity to River’s vulnerability and internal monologues. His Mariah was fabulous and his Ellison just worked for me in so many ways. I will be looking for more books narrated by him. And if they were written by Casey Cameron? Oh, that’s an auto-buy for me. But I digress…
Another aspect of the book that I liked a lot is the discussion of triggers. Many vanilla people posit that only mentally ill people engage in BDSM. Not true. In fact, there is a lower rate of mental illness (I have read a couple of studies). Many people in BDSM are more self-aware. You almost have to be if you are going to trust someone so completely. Ellison says to River, “You’re very self-aware,” and River replied, “Well, I’ve had a lot of therapy.” I am going to leave it at that because I want readers to discover River in their own way. In that self-awareness, though, is his ability to recognize triggers. In his desire to push through them, though, he makes a few missteps. River also has an uncanny ability to get inside his head and stay there, losing touch with what is going on around him. Ellison recognizes this and adjusts their interactions so he can not only keep River present, but help him fight his demons as well.
But with that kind of power, comes great responsibility. Which Ellison recognizes:
“I’ve had more of an effect on you than I had intended.” He sighed, his hands slack on my shoulder.
“You’re so eager to please me. It didn’t occur to me that it meant I could essentially mold you, turn you into my perfect idealized submissive just by guiding you to fulfill my desires.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” Maybe I was well-fucked and sleep-addled but I was pretty sure he wasn’t making a sense. “I…thought that was kind of the point.”
“Not to this extent. No.” He sighed again, finally moving his hands to gently stroke my arm. I tried to keep it from soothing my objections away but, God, his touch just felt so good.
“I didn’t want to change you. I didn’t want to remake you just to please me.”
“Well, you did. And I don’t really care,” I said with a shrug. “I’m having a good time.”
“Maybe you should explore a little more. With other people who could show you other ways to do this.”
The sting of the words startled me. Like a branch suddenly whipping me in the face.
“Are you really suggesting that I see other people? Because we had a discussion about this and you might remember I had some very clear feelings on the matter. That’s something you definitely haven’t changed about me.”
“I don’t mean as an ongoing thing, just for a while, just to have a few more experiences. I’m not thrilled about the idea of sharing you, but I want to do this thing in a way that is healthy for you.”
“Okay, well here’s a pro-tip – it’s not healthy for me if you try to foist me off on someone else. It makes me feel really shitty, actually. Maybe don’t do that.”
My brain is not malleable.
I know that was a long passage and I don’t think there were any spoilers, but I think it clearly demonstrates why this is such a great book. The self-awareness isn’t just on River’s side. There is a lot of contemplation and reflection in this book – clearly for both, even if the entire book is in River’s point of view. Often, when there is one point of view, I want to see inside the other character’s mind. Ms. Cameron’s writing is so accurate and full that I didn’t feel that way. Plus, being inside the mind of a Top can be wonky. Whether they are a woman or a man, whether they are sadistic or not, Tops are a whole other can of worms.
Finally, I love that there was consent. There was a safeword, of course, but both men understand that things go both ways – it is a dialogue. And sometimes, the Top needs to use the safeword. As it is noted, ‘consent goes both ways and if he was uncomfortable, he has a right to stop’.
I cannot say enough good things about this book. There are plenty of good BDSM books out there, have no doubt. There are plenty of crappy BDSM books out there. Those are mostly (and clearly) written by people who are not in the community. Nothing wrong with writing about something you don’t know about, and I get that some writers do it out of curiosity and others do it for money, but I feel there is a need for BDSM books that accurately reflect the truth of BDSM. I have no idea if Ms. Cameron participates in BDSM or not, but it doesn’t matter because her book is so authentic. So whether written from personal experience or by fantastic and thorough research, this is one of the best BDSM books I’ve ever read.
Do I think everyone should read this? Yep. The caveat being that if there are triggers or BDSM is not your thing, then probably not. But any reader who is curious and wants authenticity, this is your book. I adore these men and their journey spoke to me in ways that many books just don’t. The emotional intensity and psychological punch made me come back to the book and I will likely listen to it again. I will sign off with two final quotes. Both are from River and perfectly sum up his new (and fantastic) life:
My cruel tyrant. My Sir. My love. The man who could open me up with a single look and spill all my secrets like glittering beads of the floor.
“I’ve put myself in the hands of a Sadist”.
Yep, a man after my own heart.
December 17, 2022
Well, until the epilogue, I was going to give this 2 stars…now it’s 1.2 stars. 😤😡
In fairness, I prefer my books to have low or medium steam, and no BDSM (A few random kinks are fine but definitely not this for me). But, I wanted to give this a try just to make sure it wasn’t for me…And now I know the answer is, no thank you.
Regardless, here are a few quotes I liked:
In fairness, I prefer my books to have low or medium steam, and no BDSM (A few random kinks are fine but definitely not this for me). But, I wanted to give this a try just to make sure it wasn’t for me…And now I know the answer is, no thank you.
Regardless, here are a few quotes I liked:
☆ “As long as I was alive, I’d be able to find something new to worry about—and if there turned out to be an afterlife, I’d probably spend it second-guessing.”
☆ “You can keep crucifying yourself with self-doubt while we eat.” “I resent your accurate assessment of my character,” I said with a sigh. Tucking the book under my arm, I heaved myself to my feet. “I’ll go pay for this, and ask if they have any nails I can borrow.”
☆ And I’d wanted intimacy. Even if it had been for the wrong reasons, I’d cried in front of him. He’d seen me all red-faced and snotty and inappropriately loud, and he hadn’t run—he’d simply held me and told me how good I was and how proud he was of me. Even if it wasn’t true, it still meant something that he cared enough to say it.
☆ “Your emotions are real and valid, okay? They may not be an accurate reflection of the world, but they feel real to you, so they’re real.”
April 21, 2022
The first two-thirds of this were a 5/5, and the last two-thirds were a 2/5. Cameron does such a great job creating a character with a realistic version of social anxiety and then completely fails to show how the romantic relationship between the MCs is set up to handle that anxiety in a healthy way going forward.
December 9, 2023
I liked it, but I didn't love it. The sex is really hot, and the kink is explored in a brilliant way. The scenes are written super intensely and I loved reading them. But that's it. I didn't particularly care for either characters, and even if this story was told in 1st person pov by River, I ended up knowing almost nothing about him if not his compulsions and the fact he had a shitty abusive dad. Not much. Ellison is even worse. I truly didnt understand a single thing about him. Nor about why River would love him, if not for the fact that Ellison could dom him effectively. Thats not enough to call it love imho. Why did Ellison love River, then? Just because he's his perfect sub? I mean. That's how it comes across.
The writing is OK. Better than most MM nowadays, I'll say. But the book lacks emotional depth and characterisation, and that's non negotiable for me.
So yeah, a little disappointed.
The writing is OK. Better than most MM nowadays, I'll say. But the book lacks emotional depth and characterisation, and that's non negotiable for me.
So yeah, a little disappointed.
February 11, 2025
This was enjoyable. Sometimes River’s anxiety spirals got to be a bit overwhelming, likely because it was too relatable. I wish Ellison had opened up more. I felt like I didn’t know him beyond being a Dom. Actually, there was a lack of deeper character development beyond River’s anxiety.
I still liked it. Wasn’t anything amazing, but still enjoyable.
I still liked it. Wasn’t anything amazing, but still enjoyable.
September 1, 2017
I received this book from the author for a honest opinion
I loved this book it gripped me from the start which has got me out of a boredom rut where books just haven't been able to interest me at the moment. I loved the characters portrayed in this book from River a curious submissive exploring his way through all the intricacies of BDSM and what works for him as well as how he deals with his little quirks of ocd and his insecurities.
Ellison is also a good character who becomes Rivers Dom, he's thoughtful and understands Rivers needs regarding his ocd quirks and steering River through discovering his kinks.
I liked that it wasn't your usual stereotypes of the dom being big and the sub small and skinny but the other way round in this book.
River with his good friends help goes on to a kink speed dating night which he meets Ellison who he tells straight to his face that hes not interested in as he can't possibly dominate him due to his small stature but when he meets him again after trying out a scene with someone else and still feeling he's missing something he gives Ellison a chance. The book journeys through there relationship and trials while exploring BDSM.
The book is beautifully written and has some quite lovely little quotes and meanings especially concerning Rivers tattoos symbolizing his past experiences with relationships and his disorders
“What a lot of people don’t know is that sometimes the point of the camouflage isn’t to completely disguise the moth, it’s to direct attention away from vital areas so that if a predator strikes, it won’t kill the moth. It’s a reminder to myself that I can’t avoid misfortune entirely, but if I’m careful, I can manage it and minimize it, to some small extent.
I also enjoy the secondary characters which the author is always good at fleshing out in her books. Mariah was a right laugh and one little snippet from her in the book which I can't help remembering
“what’s the big deal? I literally painted my ex’s hairy butthole on a garbage can lid and sold it for 900 dollars last year. We all draw inspiration from life—
Tea was another character I liked and they both nicely complimented the book.
This book was a nice read which made me laugh especially with the colourful Mariah but also touches on some deep meaning moments with aspects from Rivers emotional insecurities and disorders which the author gave depth and realistic emotion to. The only quibble I would say was I would of liked to have Ellisons point of view and not just Rivers but a enjoyable read.
I loved this book it gripped me from the start which has got me out of a boredom rut where books just haven't been able to interest me at the moment. I loved the characters portrayed in this book from River a curious submissive exploring his way through all the intricacies of BDSM and what works for him as well as how he deals with his little quirks of ocd and his insecurities.
Ellison is also a good character who becomes Rivers Dom, he's thoughtful and understands Rivers needs regarding his ocd quirks and steering River through discovering his kinks.
I liked that it wasn't your usual stereotypes of the dom being big and the sub small and skinny but the other way round in this book.
River with his good friends help goes on to a kink speed dating night which he meets Ellison who he tells straight to his face that hes not interested in as he can't possibly dominate him due to his small stature but when he meets him again after trying out a scene with someone else and still feeling he's missing something he gives Ellison a chance. The book journeys through there relationship and trials while exploring BDSM.
The book is beautifully written and has some quite lovely little quotes and meanings especially concerning Rivers tattoos symbolizing his past experiences with relationships and his disorders
“What a lot of people don’t know is that sometimes the point of the camouflage isn’t to completely disguise the moth, it’s to direct attention away from vital areas so that if a predator strikes, it won’t kill the moth. It’s a reminder to myself that I can’t avoid misfortune entirely, but if I’m careful, I can manage it and minimize it, to some small extent.
I also enjoy the secondary characters which the author is always good at fleshing out in her books. Mariah was a right laugh and one little snippet from her in the book which I can't help remembering
“what’s the big deal? I literally painted my ex’s hairy butthole on a garbage can lid and sold it for 900 dollars last year. We all draw inspiration from life—
Tea was another character I liked and they both nicely complimented the book.
This book was a nice read which made me laugh especially with the colourful Mariah but also touches on some deep meaning moments with aspects from Rivers emotional insecurities and disorders which the author gave depth and realistic emotion to. The only quibble I would say was I would of liked to have Ellisons point of view and not just Rivers but a enjoyable read.
February 9, 2018
I can't even begin to describe how good this book is. Absolutely amazing, well-rounded, unique and engaging characters. Not just the two main characters, but every one of the side characters as well.
I love that River's OCD isn't just mentioned as a throw-away feature of the character, but is an integral part of the story. The way he and Ellison navigate dealing with it is both healthy and empowering. The impact it has on his life isn't sugarcoated, but it also doesn't define him.
The D/s dynamic portrayed is realistic and honest without being idealized. They struggle to communicate clearly at times. Ellison takes the lead, but he isn't perfect and he makes mistakes. The path River takes in finding what works for him and accepting it is winding, but ultimately makes for a very satisfying story.
I love that River's OCD isn't just mentioned as a throw-away feature of the character, but is an integral part of the story. The way he and Ellison navigate dealing with it is both healthy and empowering. The impact it has on his life isn't sugarcoated, but it also doesn't define him.
The D/s dynamic portrayed is realistic and honest without being idealized. They struggle to communicate clearly at times. Ellison takes the lead, but he isn't perfect and he makes mistakes. The path River takes in finding what works for him and accepting it is winding, but ultimately makes for a very satisfying story.
April 22, 2019
I rarely offer a 5 star review, but there is just something about this book. It has a fairly basic premise - gay guy interested in sub/dom kink tries it and likes it. Fine enough, done so many times there are very few surprises.
And there weren't any plot surprises. Everything proceeded as per the normal route. What I did not expect, though, was the depth of character development, the sensitivity to the topic, and the writing style that made the book so enjoyable. River is not your typical protagonist, and nothing in the relationship comes easy. Even after he falls for Ellison - his neuroses and problems are not all instantly solved because Loooooove. He still can't fall asleep in Ellison's bed. He still has self doubt.
Ellison, too, is a character that shows surprising depth throughout the novel. One of my favorite parts is when River is trying to figure out if his own kink is due to a fucked up childhood, and that maybe all kink is rooted in mental issues or past trauma. Ellison says (seriously) that he was bullied as a kid, and maybe that's why he's into domination? ... (dramatic pause) ... then laughs because he's joking, he had a great childhood, this is just who he is.
The supporting characters are amazing as well. There is the non-binary Tea with the lovely hair who goes on a date with River only to become friends, then dates the girl next door Sarah. There is the best friend, Mariah a (gasp - diversity alert!) black Dom who has a deeply loving asexual relationship with her sub.
Aaaand I'm gushing. The book isn't perfect, and there are definitely a few problematic tropes - the "all gay guys have quirky best friends", the "super loving diverse friend family", the "token person of color making us feel inclusive because we like her". Ultimately, I felt the good parts balanced out the bad and really enjoyed the book.
The narration was also superb. I'm adding Michael Fell to my list of favorite narrators.
And there weren't any plot surprises. Everything proceeded as per the normal route. What I did not expect, though, was the depth of character development, the sensitivity to the topic, and the writing style that made the book so enjoyable. River is not your typical protagonist, and nothing in the relationship comes easy. Even after he falls for Ellison - his neuroses and problems are not all instantly solved because Loooooove. He still can't fall asleep in Ellison's bed. He still has self doubt.
Ellison, too, is a character that shows surprising depth throughout the novel. One of my favorite parts is when River is trying to figure out if his own kink is due to a fucked up childhood, and that maybe all kink is rooted in mental issues or past trauma. Ellison says (seriously) that he was bullied as a kid, and maybe that's why he's into domination? ... (dramatic pause) ... then laughs because he's joking, he had a great childhood, this is just who he is.
The supporting characters are amazing as well. There is the non-binary Tea with the lovely hair who goes on a date with River only to become friends, then dates the girl next door Sarah. There is the best friend, Mariah a (gasp - diversity alert!) black Dom who has a deeply loving asexual relationship with her sub.
Aaaand I'm gushing. The book isn't perfect, and there are definitely a few problematic tropes - the "all gay guys have quirky best friends", the "super loving diverse friend family", the "token person of color making us feel inclusive because we like her". Ultimately, I felt the good parts balanced out the bad and really enjoyed the book.
The narration was also superb. I'm adding Michael Fell to my list of favorite narrators.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 22, 2019
4.5 stars that would have been five if not for a single scene of emotional manipulation that was so out of place that I can't understand what it is doing in an otherwise sensitive book.
This book is really gorgeous, it's so respectful of basically everything which is why I'm so upset by the one time that it wasn't. There are a lot of issues and different identities in this book, and they are all treated with respect which is so nice to see.
River has a lot of things he deals with, including realizing his desire for kink. Ellison, who would probably drive me around the bend with all his questions too, is the perfect fit for River. Watching them both grow together and fall in love is beautiful. I love all the friends in this story as well, I love reading about community like this.
My one problem is when River basically shames Ellison into agreeing to go without condoms without further testing. I don't care about condom use, but if one person says they want to be tested again first, the other should never basically whine that they "don't trust them". There's never a reason not to be tested, and there's never a situation where one partner should use emotional manipulation to get their way about not being tested. But the biggest disappointment is that the story handles literally everything else nearly perfectly so why? Where did this come from and how was it missed? *sad face*
Still this is a really beautiful story, full of wonderful characters, and a believable love story. It's absolutely worth reading, and I will re-read it.
Audio: This may be the first book I've listened to by Michael Fell, I enjoyed him a lot, and will seek out more of his narration. He wasn't perfect, I'm still not sure about his Mariah voice, but overall he is very good.
This book is really gorgeous, it's so respectful of basically everything which is why I'm so upset by the one time that it wasn't. There are a lot of issues and different identities in this book, and they are all treated with respect which is so nice to see.
River has a lot of things he deals with, including realizing his desire for kink. Ellison, who would probably drive me around the bend with all his questions too, is the perfect fit for River. Watching them both grow together and fall in love is beautiful. I love all the friends in this story as well, I love reading about community like this.
My one problem is when River basically shames Ellison into agreeing to go without condoms without further testing. I don't care about condom use, but if one person says they want to be tested again first, the other should never basically whine that they "don't trust them". There's never a reason not to be tested, and there's never a situation where one partner should use emotional manipulation to get their way about not being tested. But the biggest disappointment is that the story handles literally everything else nearly perfectly so why? Where did this come from and how was it missed? *sad face*
Still this is a really beautiful story, full of wonderful characters, and a believable love story. It's absolutely worth reading, and I will re-read it.
Audio: This may be the first book I've listened to by Michael Fell, I enjoyed him a lot, and will seek out more of his narration. He wasn't perfect, I'm still not sure about his Mariah voice, but overall he is very good.
August 31, 2017
This easily earns all five stars from me. I loved the slow progression of River and Ellison's connection. I loved how River's anxieties shaped his reactions, and his needs. I loved that it's all River's perspective. I laughed, and I cried. I cried quite a lot. Casey Cameron lands those emotional punches.
I adored River's friends. I want one of each. Seriously.
Though I'm not into BDSM, I've learned a lot this past decade (friends, and research). River's experiences felt right. And!!! Unlike some kink scenes I've read, I was never lost as to who was where and what was happening. Until you've tried to write such things, you can't understand what a great skill that is.
Logistically, my one problem is a short friend throwing her arm over River's shoulders. River is way taller. I see this in many stories. Unless you've been the tall person, you don't understand how awkward (or impossible) such gestures are.
Note: I was given a free Advance Reader Copy in exchange for an honest review.
I adored River's friends. I want one of each. Seriously.
Though I'm not into BDSM, I've learned a lot this past decade (friends, and research). River's experiences felt right. And!!! Unlike some kink scenes I've read, I was never lost as to who was where and what was happening. Until you've tried to write such things, you can't understand what a great skill that is.
Logistically, my one problem is a short friend throwing her arm over River's shoulders. River is way taller. I see this in many stories. Unless you've been the tall person, you don't understand how awkward (or impossible) such gestures are.
Note: I was given a free Advance Reader Copy in exchange for an honest review.
September 1, 2017
River and Ellison were a bit of a hard pairing for me to get into. I think that it was mainly because we experienced everything through River's POV and Ellison was so stoic and emotionally flat at the beginning of the story, that I didn't quite believe the strength of his feelings when they surfaced (at least at first). I really would have loved to understand what it was that Ellison was scared of when he though of expressing his feelings - and what experiences of his led to that fear.
I did really enjoy the book, as a whole, and I loved the fact that River didn't suddenly become uncanily comfortable with submission and loss of control after only a session, or two, with Ellison. River's concerns felt real, and while some of his quirks were dramatic, I loved how Ellison never belittled him for them, and was always looking to understand where River was and how to best help him.
I voluntarily reviewed an ARC of this book.
I did really enjoy the book, as a whole, and I loved the fact that River didn't suddenly become uncanily comfortable with submission and loss of control after only a session, or two, with Ellison. River's concerns felt real, and while some of his quirks were dramatic, I loved how Ellison never belittled him for them, and was always looking to understand where River was and how to best help him.
I voluntarily reviewed an ARC of this book.
September 6, 2017
Lost interest, almost abandoned, but pushed through and finished. The story was told through River's detailed inner monologue. River got into BDSM for the wrong reason, as research for his comic strip, and was pushed by his friend Mariah. River wanted a boyfriend while Ellison, at first, wanted just a play partner. Ellison's character wasn't developed and he was presented as a black box. As a dom, Ellison took a clinical approach in meeting River's needs while incorporating his OCD. Their relationship development as a couple focused on their BDSM sexual relationship.
Ellison was good at playing sexual mind games with River and they were enjoyable to read. Otherwise, this book just didn't deliver any "feels" beyond that.
Weirdly, all of the characters were either bisexual or genderfluid. Their physical descriptions were rather bland or non descriptive, and gender neutral. For me, this especially had a negative impact on the sexual chemistry between River and Ellison.
Ellison was good at playing sexual mind games with River and they were enjoyable to read. Otherwise, this book just didn't deliver any "feels" beyond that.
Weirdly, all of the characters were either bisexual or genderfluid. Their physical descriptions were rather bland or non descriptive, and gender neutral. For me, this especially had a negative impact on the sexual chemistry between River and Ellison.
August 30, 2017
This review is being written right after I finished this book, because the feelings I'm experiencing are that intense. This book describes the initial BDSM experience and what could go wrong almost perfectly, at least based on what I've experienced. There are some triggers in this book that are expertly handled and addressed, and I give huge kudos to Casey Cameron for writing such an emotionally charged book.
I honestly didn't know what this book was about before reading it. I've read so many other books by this author that I chomped at the bit to get an ARC. I can't express all of my feelings and opinions without delving into my personal experiences, which I will not do. However, I definitely second this book to anyone in, interested in, or just wanting a very realistic look into the D/s relationship.
I honestly didn't know what this book was about before reading it. I've read so many other books by this author that I chomped at the bit to get an ARC. I can't express all of my feelings and opinions without delving into my personal experiences, which I will not do. However, I definitely second this book to anyone in, interested in, or just wanting a very realistic look into the D/s relationship.
September 13, 2017
I enjoyed this, and I'm not a regular reader of BDSM. The first quarter was good, the middle half dragged a bit for me as it felt a bit repetitive of River wanting to try something, it not working as he thought/wanted, doing another, then another... although if you read a lot of BDSM will probably hook you in more than it did me, but the last quarter was simply sublime. I was definitely more interested in River and Ellison more than the copious amount of sex, and I was a little unsure of how they were meant to function outside of their scenes/play.
That said, it was well written, and I will check out the author's other work.
That said, it was well written, and I will check out the author's other work.
August 25, 2019
This book was a breath of fresh air when it comes to the bdsm trope. In that I mean that the main character, River, was very human and had doubts and quirks and did not just fall instantly in love and become the quintessential sub boy while living happily ever after. There was angst, self doubt, and well earned epiphanies.
A great read if you enjoy a well put together bdsm community, witty, snappy banter from well developed secondary characters and a good Sunday brunch!
A great read if you enjoy a well put together bdsm community, witty, snappy banter from well developed secondary characters and a good Sunday brunch!
August 4, 2018
Oh my god, I loved this book. I really should have hated it because River was such a crazy nut case. I usually hate neurotic characters like him. It’s funny because I was a special ed teacher and I was a complete champion for my students. Anyway, there was something about River that made me love him. Ellison was the perfect dom. I have to admit this book made me cry. A good kind of cry.
I’m going to check out other books by Casey Cameron.
I’m going to check out other books by Casey Cameron.
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