The Enneagram, Relationships, and Intimacy: Understanding One Another Leads to Loving Better and Living More Fully

by David N. Daniels, Suzanne Dion, Daniel J. Siegel (Foreword)

BESTSELLING ENNEAGRAM AUTHOR David Daniels, M.D. is one of the founding fathers of today's Enneagram. “A modern sage… let David’s light and love fill you with knowledge, love and inspiration…” – Foreword by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. Why doesn't my partner understand me? Why can't we get along? Why do I always seem to want more from my partner? How can we share more intimacy? Why am I so emotionally inhibited? What tears us apart? What brings us closer together? How to really love? Why do my partner and I express our love so differently? This is an innovative, easy-to-read, compelling relationships book that will answer those questions and more. Falling in love is what we all dream about. Sustaining that love is the deal breaker. We can't sustain something we don't fully understand, that we don't know how to nurture, that we don't know how to develop and grow. Let this unique book take you on a journey into yourself and into others — into journey that will change your life. "Our First Love Story" begins with how early childhood attachment relationships impact our personality's development, and, how that development shapes the relationship we'll come to have with ourselves and the love we can experience with others. These understandings can shift our relationships from unwanted struggle to much wanted fulfillment. Let the wisdom of the Enneagram as it meets Dr. Daniel J. Siegel’s groundbreaking mindful awareness make a difference in your life. Learn how and why an openhearted, receptive way of relating fills us with love and grace in lieu of fear and defendedness, and changes the very experience we'll have of love itself. Written by David Daniels, M.D., Clinical Professor Emeritus Stanford Medical School and Suzanne Dion, certified Enneagram teacher, this book brings their shared passion for human development, healthy relating, and the Enneagram system to understanding one another, loving better, and living more fully. The authors fluidly combine the biology of relationships, the anatomy of love, and the structure of personality to provide incisive insights needed to build loving relationships all the way to necessary and desired change, as needed, in our intrapersonal life as well as in our relationships. Bringing this book to life was the passionate focus of much of David's time, exploration, and thought the last many years of his life and was an honor for co-author Suzanne Dion to see through to completion. Suzanne brings her work as an Enneagram teacher and coach and her deep study of early childhood trauma's impact on developing our capacity to bring a full self, and more vulnerable self, to relationships. Within it holds David and Suzanne's endearing understanding of being human, our deep need for self- and other-compassion, and a devotion to contributing to a more loving world.
For more visit www.drdaviddaniels.com

Genres: Psychology

445 pages, Paperback

Published December 20, 2018

About the author

Dr. David Daniels is a clinical professor of psychiatry at Stanford University Medical School and is also one of the world’s foremost developers and teachers of a system called, “The Enneagram.” He is a co-founder, along with Helen Palmer, of Enneagram Worldwide, one of the leading schools for teaching the enneagram system.

Reviews

[Barbara Lohman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful read that I’ve recently added to my Enneagram book collection! This book both encourages and challenges us toward growth. It helped me see places where i’ve been struggling with others and how others might be struggling with me too. However, it holds space for you instead of berating you, like so many self-help books that previously left me discouraged. It’s approachable, conversationally written, and helped me get a deeper understanding of how each Enneagram type can improve their relationships, starting with themselves first and then with others. I also loved the chapters on sexuality and intimacy; I wasn’t expecting that — cool to read about these topics related to Enneagram types!

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most important enneagram books out there. It speaks to levels of development, attachment theory, and tangible practices to self-observe and do self-work. I return to this again and again.

[Kendra Purtle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though some of the syntax and sentence structure was a bit odd, this one has some good info. I always appreciate any such vital information. Good stuff.

[Minna Pessi · Rating 4 out of 5]

(For all typology nuts out there, fair warning: this is predominantly a self development and relationship book that uses Enneagram, not an Enneagram learning book per se.)

In the sea of abundance of self help books and instructions of today's world, Enneagram, Relationships and Intimacy stands out with its personalised take on one's individual growth to achieve balance required for healthy relationships, using Enneagram as a map navigating through the struggles we have in relation to ourselves and others.

This book will not let you off the hook, instead challenging one to take a deep look at oneself and ask very hard questions before embarking on the journey of growth.
The high emphasis on one's own responsibility on their journey to successful and balanced relationships cannot be overstated, and before you're allowed to dive deep into the struggles true intimacy causes to so many of us, you must do some valuable self searching.

And as a growth tool, relationship and self development guide, it does a great job introducing the basics of mindfulness and awareness, application and practical actions one can take to initially start healing one's childhood and youth wounds and reparenting oneself towards a healthier version of ourselves, and how to apply that to our relationships.
David and Suzanne bring forth practical, therapeutic takes on growth through practices one can embrace with oneself or with a partner and learn the mandatory methods of self control and grace to approach all interpersonal situations: a framework one can apply to almost all encounters.

At times the points made are hammered through chapter after chapter, which may make a bit of a dry read for those who are used to the high stimulus media of today's internet culture or who have a strong base in developmental psychology and self development. However, I highly encourage people to keep reading despite this, all the repetition is there to ensure you have the information available to comprehend the more intricate aspects that come forth later in the book.
During the early chapters it feels like another edit would've been in place (on the Kindle edit) mainly on how certain sentence structures and typos could've been avoided but generally the content compensates for these minor flaws in presentation.

In conclusion, this book offers you a thorough journey from practical information to spiritual understanding; to self knowing and self intimacy, introducing you to concepts and practices required to work on your self understanding to embark on the journey towards a more mindful and empathetic view on our own and others' sexuality and intimacy as a whole.

[Ames · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Love IS, at our core, who and what we truly are." And yet so much stands in the way of that - including ourselves.

In The Enneagram, Relationships and Intimacy, authors David Daniels and Suzanne Dion don't just take you on a journey through the world of mindfulness, Enneagram and intimacy - they help you start your own journey to becoming a more loving, more free version of yourself, and healing and improving your relationships.

In years of reading spiritual and self-development books, I've never seen this subject matter explained so clearly. 'Mindfulness' was little more than an abstract concept, that I understood mentally but didn't fully grasp. This book, however, brings it into the real, practical world, along with other concepts such as intimacy, presence, and reparenting yourself. The authors offer helpful, simple practices to be done alone or with a partner, and having those tools made me feel like I can actually start tackling these complex issues, right now.

The explanations of the Enneagram were clear and beginner-friendly, but still provided food for thought for Enneagram veterans. Especially the testimonies of people of different types regarding sexuality and intimacy, really got me thinking about myself and my relationships, and asking myself questions I'd never asked before.

Two things to keep in mind going into this book: first, while it does explain a lot about the Enneagram, it is primarily about self-development and relationships, rather than being an Enneagram guide. Secondly, parts of the Kindle edition (I can't speak for the others) feel like they could have used another edit, so the perfectionists among us (like me) might have to relax a bit in order to enjoy the great content that is offered.

As is probably clear by now, I recommend this book. Not only do the authors thoroughly explore mindfulness, presence, reparenting yourself, relationships, and intimacy - they actually give the reader something to work with. You can read this book, you can think about this book, you can talk about this book, but above all, you can DO something with this book. I'm certainly going to.

[Matthew · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this book is mislabeled; the first 70% is a book about mindfulness through the lens of the enneagram. Only about 15% is actually focused on relationships and intimacy (unless you're persuaded that your relationship with yourself is about intimacy and relationships).

So I would recommend this book to someone who is primarily interested in mindfulness and has not already read other enneagram books.

As far as enneagram content: the author takes a long time to say what he is saying. There are spots throughout the book where he will take 5 paragraphs to say, "Ask yourself about this next topic. It is important."

The two gold nuggets in the midst of all the fluff are: a reflection each enneagram is given to process anger, and the section where enneagram numbers speak of intimacy. Those 20 pages would have been enough for me!

I am counting this as a book over 400 pages for a reading challenge I am doing.

[Heather Jackson · Rating 1 out of 5]

I just finished reading and literally threw this into the trash. Please spare yourself a lot of frustration and read any other book on the enneagram but this one.
While the authors have decent working knowledge of the enneagram system the book itself is grammatical torture and densely worded. You will find dozens of unneeded commas, sentence fragments, and run-on sentences. You will find many typos. I’m not sure that anyone edited this text at all. The errors made it nearly impossible for me to slog through in search for any valuable insights or observations.
Additionally I must add that the writers take a very narrow (binary) stance on gender and their many interviews with individuals included only two queer persons. The book completely ignores the existence and validity of asexuals. I took down a few notes for my personal reflections but this was not worth the time or the money I invested. Do not read.

[Pat · Rating 2 out of 5]

©?? This book was self-published, lists no publisher and no copyright date. Interesting.

I would give this a 1.5 stars. It is not well written; one-third of the book has interesting information (out of 400 pages). I will send it on to others who are studying this (from my online group) and go online for information that I hope to find. I do not recommend it for purchase.

[thinker bell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book illuminated all the information that I learned in therapy. This book provided the “how to”, which was the next level of what therapy did not help me with. My life has changed for the better.