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At Death Do Us Part: A Grieving Widower Heals After Losing his Wife to Breast Cancer
After your spouse dies, how do you go forward?
This beautifully-written memoir faces the realities of a loved one dying.
Following a long fight with breast cancer, Tracy's death ended their 13-year marriage. In the months after his loss, Frederick Marx wrote about their time together (falling in love, their shortcomings, her illness, and how they made each other better). Marx recounts his relationship with his partner--not as a saint, but as a person. Then he describes his struggle to go on without her.
Marx shares an intimate, soul-searching look at love and loss. With exquisite honesty, his story is inevitably full of pain, but also has great warmth and beauty.
Ram Dass, author of Be Here Now, said: "This book shivers with the frailties of what it means to be human, enfolding loss in all its forms, finding a way through acceptance back to love."
This beautifully-written memoir faces the realities of a loved one dying.
Following a long fight with breast cancer, Tracy's death ended their 13-year marriage. In the months after his loss, Frederick Marx wrote about their time together (falling in love, their shortcomings, her illness, and how they made each other better). Marx recounts his relationship with his partner--not as a saint, but as a person. Then he describes his struggle to go on without her.
Marx shares an intimate, soul-searching look at love and loss. With exquisite honesty, his story is inevitably full of pain, but also has great warmth and beauty.
Ram Dass, author of Be Here Now, said: "This book shivers with the frailties of what it means to be human, enfolding loss in all its forms, finding a way through acceptance back to love."
- GenresNonfiction
239 pages, Paperback
Published August 29, 2018
81 people are currently reading
347 people want to read
About the author
Frederick Marx
6 books32 followersFrederick Marx is an Emmy and Oscar nominated filmmaker. He is best known for the documentary, Hoop Dreams, which Roger Ebert named ‘Best Film of the Decade’ and the International Documentary Association named "Best Documentary of all time."
His work has been featured in: The New York Times, The Washington Post, People, USA Today, Rolling Stone, Reuters, Newsweek, US News & World Report, Time, Forbes, GQ, and The Wall Street Journal.
Nearly 25 years after he attended his first meditation retreat, he became an ordained Zen priest in the Hollow Bones Order of Rinzai Zen. His recent documentary, Journey from Zanskar, was narrated by Richard Gere and featured the Dalai Lama.
His work has been featured in: The New York Times, The Washington Post, People, USA Today, Rolling Stone, Reuters, Newsweek, US News & World Report, Time, Forbes, GQ, and The Wall Street Journal.
Nearly 25 years after he attended his first meditation retreat, he became an ordained Zen priest in the Hollow Bones Order of Rinzai Zen. His recent documentary, Journey from Zanskar, was narrated by Richard Gere and featured the Dalai Lama.
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
October 18, 2018
I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Frederick Marx and I share nothing. He is a male, Jewish/Buddhist, filmmaker, into basketball, West coast living, Eastern Philosophy and getting away for male bonding retreats. I am a female, lapsed Catholic/Episcopalian displaced homemaker into fiber art, Midwest lifestyle with all its repressive tendencies and bonding online with fellow corgi owners.
There, I've made both of us into cartoon characters. That was my intention.
Because Marx and I have one very important thing in common. We have both lost our beloved spouses to cancer, his to breast, mine to brain.
His life experience, his attitudes are so different from mine I began reading this book thinking I would have nothing to relate to. His early life and goals were not anything I could relate to. I have seen none of his films. Even the story of the beginning of his life with his wife Tracy bore little resemblance to what I experienced with my husband.
Then, Marc gets into the nitty gritty of what made his and Tracy's relationship work, not just the good and happy times, but the times they let each other down. And I saw a strong marriage, the same strong marriage I had, one worth having for eternity.
I will not get into the specifics of Tracy's battle with cancer. You can, and should read the book for that.
I will say this, Frederick Marx 's experience of grief as he lost and is learning to live life without Tracy shows a commonality with all humanity. My worldview, his worldview may start from very different places, but our emotions and needs as brings in this universe are exactly the same.
Frederick Marx and I share nothing. He is a male, Jewish/Buddhist, filmmaker, into basketball, West coast living, Eastern Philosophy and getting away for male bonding retreats. I am a female, lapsed Catholic/Episcopalian displaced homemaker into fiber art, Midwest lifestyle with all its repressive tendencies and bonding online with fellow corgi owners.
There, I've made both of us into cartoon characters. That was my intention.
Because Marx and I have one very important thing in common. We have both lost our beloved spouses to cancer, his to breast, mine to brain.
His life experience, his attitudes are so different from mine I began reading this book thinking I would have nothing to relate to. His early life and goals were not anything I could relate to. I have seen none of his films. Even the story of the beginning of his life with his wife Tracy bore little resemblance to what I experienced with my husband.
Then, Marc gets into the nitty gritty of what made his and Tracy's relationship work, not just the good and happy times, but the times they let each other down. And I saw a strong marriage, the same strong marriage I had, one worth having for eternity.
I will not get into the specifics of Tracy's battle with cancer. You can, and should read the book for that.
I will say this, Frederick Marx 's experience of grief as he lost and is learning to live life without Tracy shows a commonality with all humanity. My worldview, his worldview may start from very different places, but our emotions and needs as brings in this universe are exactly the same.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 1, 2018
As a Buddhist, the author gave me a different perspective on death and grief. The poetry he included was meaningful. The idea he shares of celebrating a terminally ill person while they are still alive rather than when they are no longer around at a memorial service should be more of an accepted practice and reason alone to read this raw memoir.
September 27, 2021
I won this Kindle book in a giveaway.
September 23, 2018
Mr. Marx has written this piece with a great deal of honesty, so it's only fair to respond in the same fashion.
This is a first book in my life that left me feeling so torn apart and indecisive. It is very hard to put this publication on the scale of 5, or on any traditional scale at all.
As a title correctly reflects, this is not so much a tribute to a deceased spouse (despite the fact that many pages were devoted to the amazing Tracy and remembering her). There are definitely a lot of tender and unique memories that paint a clear portrait of a person Mr. Marx has spent 13 years of his life with, and I emerged from this book practically in love with this wonderful woman and her personality. Don't get me wrong, I am sorry beyond words about Mr. Marx's loss, and it's clear that he shared a special connection with his wife and would continue honoring her for all his life. I laughed at some parts strongly relating to some aspects of marital relationships described on these pages, almost cried at some others. However, on the whole I see this work as self-reflecting memoir about author's relationship with death, self-analysis, recounting of his life's regrets and his spiritual path.
Regarding the structure of this book, I loved the composition and the vocabulary, but it does feel a little drawn out at specific parts. I think there is enough material for 2 books. I certainly appreciate having more information on author's background, views and religion and have deep respect for him regardless of how my views on any of these topics compare with his, but I think in some places it dilutes the main theme of the story, namingly his relationship with his wife and his feelings and coping after she sadly passed away.
Then, the controversy comes. First of all, reading this, I developed a huge respect for the author's brutal honesty. And I'm not telling about the passages about certain body functions mishaps (though partly I agree with other reviewers about these accounts not being appropriate for such a book, at the same time I acknowledge this is more useful to tell the good, the bad and the ugly if this is how it really goes). In my opinion, it takes a lot of courage to admit to such a large audience your own mistakes and bad traits. This helps the readers relate to the story and get to know the real person behind the writing.
Having said that, I must say this contributed to me developing a certain opinion about Mr. Marx as he has been presented in this story. And this is certainly not the person I wholly agree with or even like. Personally, I don't think it's appropriate to concentrate that much on bad relationships with particular people that are unrelated to the purpose of this piece (criticize Tracy's family or fellow colleagues for their wrong actions, simple luck or talents, disclosing details on his wife's past relationships etc.). I'm not saying this is inappropriate to have these feelings (all of us are people, therefore, probably guilty in all of these respects), these recounts just do not belong to this particular book and spoil the overall experience. I won't comment on my thoughts about the author's relationship with his wife; I don't think this is my business at all, but I do think family quarrels and mentioning possible wrongdoings of other people should be omitted or saved for another book that is more author-centric. Obsession with his own feelings and needs also strikes the eye - which may be my personal problem, since not a lot of reviewers think of it as a weird thing. Another thing this book has an overdose of is personal spiritual journey of Mr. Marx. It changes the perspective of the whole story, which is certainly rejuvenating, but let's be honest, mostly interesting to other people pursuing Buddhism.
I'm grateful that I had a chance to read this, it is very thought-provoking, and honestly thank Mr. Marx for this opportunity. I loved some parts and hated others. The most thing I appreciated is the brutal honesty and a unique experience to meet an amazing person who is now alive only through eyes and words of the people having been most close to her. I would recommend reading it to those who've been through the same heart-breaking experience and ones who are open to somewhat indie prose and challenging their views. I do not recommend reading this to people who expect a romantic swan song or have particularly strong views on marital moral principles.
This is a first book in my life that left me feeling so torn apart and indecisive. It is very hard to put this publication on the scale of 5, or on any traditional scale at all.
As a title correctly reflects, this is not so much a tribute to a deceased spouse (despite the fact that many pages were devoted to the amazing Tracy and remembering her). There are definitely a lot of tender and unique memories that paint a clear portrait of a person Mr. Marx has spent 13 years of his life with, and I emerged from this book practically in love with this wonderful woman and her personality. Don't get me wrong, I am sorry beyond words about Mr. Marx's loss, and it's clear that he shared a special connection with his wife and would continue honoring her for all his life. I laughed at some parts strongly relating to some aspects of marital relationships described on these pages, almost cried at some others. However, on the whole I see this work as self-reflecting memoir about author's relationship with death, self-analysis, recounting of his life's regrets and his spiritual path.
Regarding the structure of this book, I loved the composition and the vocabulary, but it does feel a little drawn out at specific parts. I think there is enough material for 2 books. I certainly appreciate having more information on author's background, views and religion and have deep respect for him regardless of how my views on any of these topics compare with his, but I think in some places it dilutes the main theme of the story, namingly his relationship with his wife and his feelings and coping after she sadly passed away.
Then, the controversy comes. First of all, reading this, I developed a huge respect for the author's brutal honesty. And I'm not telling about the passages about certain body functions mishaps (though partly I agree with other reviewers about these accounts not being appropriate for such a book, at the same time I acknowledge this is more useful to tell the good, the bad and the ugly if this is how it really goes). In my opinion, it takes a lot of courage to admit to such a large audience your own mistakes and bad traits. This helps the readers relate to the story and get to know the real person behind the writing.
Having said that, I must say this contributed to me developing a certain opinion about Mr. Marx as he has been presented in this story. And this is certainly not the person I wholly agree with or even like. Personally, I don't think it's appropriate to concentrate that much on bad relationships with particular people that are unrelated to the purpose of this piece (criticize Tracy's family or fellow colleagues for their wrong actions, simple luck or talents, disclosing details on his wife's past relationships etc.). I'm not saying this is inappropriate to have these feelings (all of us are people, therefore, probably guilty in all of these respects), these recounts just do not belong to this particular book and spoil the overall experience. I won't comment on my thoughts about the author's relationship with his wife; I don't think this is my business at all, but I do think family quarrels and mentioning possible wrongdoings of other people should be omitted or saved for another book that is more author-centric. Obsession with his own feelings and needs also strikes the eye - which may be my personal problem, since not a lot of reviewers think of it as a weird thing. Another thing this book has an overdose of is personal spiritual journey of Mr. Marx. It changes the perspective of the whole story, which is certainly rejuvenating, but let's be honest, mostly interesting to other people pursuing Buddhism.
I'm grateful that I had a chance to read this, it is very thought-provoking, and honestly thank Mr. Marx for this opportunity. I loved some parts and hated others. The most thing I appreciated is the brutal honesty and a unique experience to meet an amazing person who is now alive only through eyes and words of the people having been most close to her. I would recommend reading it to those who've been through the same heart-breaking experience and ones who are open to somewhat indie prose and challenging their views. I do not recommend reading this to people who expect a romantic swan song or have particularly strong views on marital moral principles.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 29, 2018
This was a very touching and heart felt memoir. The book is written in a way as if the reader is stepping into Mr. Marx's shoes as he watches and records his wife's battle with breast cancer. There were times where the story took on more of a journal like entry, but that just adds to the reader's empathy and sympathy.
The images of Mrs. Tracy Marx is harrowing and well integrated into the story to better draw the reader in. It makes the heart weep for the Marx family as well as all of the others that have suffered from the terrible illness known as Breast Cancer.
The book is essentially three parts: Before the illness, during the illness, and the author's life after his wife has passed. While the first two parts influence the reader with strong emotions such as sadness, the third part shows the reader that there are still means of healing after tragedy. The author goes through multiple methods to find a way to heal, and the memoir demonstrates the hardships of losing your love ones. The one quote that I found truly powerful was "life goes on even when we don't want it to...But when [you] choose life [over death and depression], unexpected things sometimes happen." (p.196) This is the mindset you need when trying the recover.
Overall, this memoir contained all of the elements that draw the reader in and keep them going; it makes the reader sympathetic/empathetic to the author and his family; it uses images and different writing styles to keep the reader focused; and it is written in a way that so that it makes it creates the sense that the reader is looking over the author's shoulder as he retells his and his wife's story. Truly Well Done.
As Mr. Tolstoy stated and as Mr. Marx has shown through his brilliantly written memoir, "The expression on the face said that what was necessary had been accomplished, and accomplished rightly" (Death of Ivan Illych Chap.1 Paragraph 27).
** I received my copy from a giveaway.
The images of Mrs. Tracy Marx is harrowing and well integrated into the story to better draw the reader in. It makes the heart weep for the Marx family as well as all of the others that have suffered from the terrible illness known as Breast Cancer.
The book is essentially three parts: Before the illness, during the illness, and the author's life after his wife has passed. While the first two parts influence the reader with strong emotions such as sadness, the third part shows the reader that there are still means of healing after tragedy. The author goes through multiple methods to find a way to heal, and the memoir demonstrates the hardships of losing your love ones. The one quote that I found truly powerful was "life goes on even when we don't want it to...But when [you] choose life [over death and depression], unexpected things sometimes happen." (p.196) This is the mindset you need when trying the recover.
Overall, this memoir contained all of the elements that draw the reader in and keep them going; it makes the reader sympathetic/empathetic to the author and his family; it uses images and different writing styles to keep the reader focused; and it is written in a way that so that it makes it creates the sense that the reader is looking over the author's shoulder as he retells his and his wife's story. Truly Well Done.
As Mr. Tolstoy stated and as Mr. Marx has shown through his brilliantly written memoir, "The expression on the face said that what was necessary had been accomplished, and accomplished rightly" (Death of Ivan Illych Chap.1 Paragraph 27).
** I received my copy from a giveaway.
October 31, 2018
I don't typically read books like this. I like my books full of mystery with a dash of murder and a touch of dark humor. But, I was drawn to this book for some reason. And I am so glad that I was.
This book was lovely. Well, maybe not all of it. It was honest. And revealed regrets. It, at times, painted Marx to be the bad guy. It was messy. It was funny. It was sad. It was philosophical. It was touching. It was real. And I loved it.
Marx painted the perfect picture of his life before, with and after Tracy. I admire him for not leaving anything out. The good, the bad, the ugly, the uglier. Everything was in there. I found myself tsk tsking him at times, but appreciated that he didn't "forget" to put these instances of regret in the book. It made it all the more real.
I caught myself crying a handful of times throughout the reading, which is unlike me. Frederick's love for Tracy was palpable, rising off the pages (or, in my case, my Kindle screen) and I felt it so deeply. The pictures of the two of them tied the story together and made you remember that the characters being discussed about so freely were, in fact, real. I only wish more pictures had been included.
I'm full of all sorts of feelings about life and death after reading this one. All thanks to Marx. And, well, Goodreads too, for the free Kindle version.
This book was lovely. Well, maybe not all of it. It was honest. And revealed regrets. It, at times, painted Marx to be the bad guy. It was messy. It was funny. It was sad. It was philosophical. It was touching. It was real. And I loved it.
Marx painted the perfect picture of his life before, with and after Tracy. I admire him for not leaving anything out. The good, the bad, the ugly, the uglier. Everything was in there. I found myself tsk tsking him at times, but appreciated that he didn't "forget" to put these instances of regret in the book. It made it all the more real.
I caught myself crying a handful of times throughout the reading, which is unlike me. Frederick's love for Tracy was palpable, rising off the pages (or, in my case, my Kindle screen) and I felt it so deeply. The pictures of the two of them tied the story together and made you remember that the characters being discussed about so freely were, in fact, real. I only wish more pictures had been included.
I'm full of all sorts of feelings about life and death after reading this one. All thanks to Marx. And, well, Goodreads too, for the free Kindle version.
November 8, 2018
This book was very touching very emotional for me to read. I can’t even begin to imagine what this man was going through. This book has so much going on from what Frederick Marx and his wife Tracy went through as a married couple before her major diagnosis during and the aftermath of it all. I like how raw and open this book is and the author definitely didn’t sugar coat anything. He was very honest how he felt whether it be good things or bad. I loved the personal pictures added throughout and the poetry. The only reason I give 4 stars is that I prefer print books over ebooks and would’ve enjoyed reading this book in print rather than on a device. I would most definitely recommend this book overall for people to read especially people who have been through these types of things. There’s too much good to say about this but also I love the take on Buddhism, a philosophy I personally like myself. Very good read overall! Worth reading for sure!
February 6, 2024
Frederick Marx's "At Death Do Us Part" is a poignant and unflinching memoir that chronicles his journey through grief after losing his wife, Tracy, to cancer. It's not an easy read, but it's one that resonates deeply with its raw honesty and profound vulnerability.
The book delves into the complexities of love, loss, and healing with a captivating mix of tenderness and candor. Marx doesn't shy away from depicting the raw pain and confusion that accompany grief, but he also offers glimpses of hope, resilience, and the enduring power of love.
The book delves into the complexities of love, loss, and healing with a captivating mix of tenderness and candor. Marx doesn't shy away from depicting the raw pain and confusion that accompany grief, but he also offers glimpses of hope, resilience, and the enduring power of love.
September 28, 2019
Stay with it
I started this book because I briefly got to know the author from our mutual men’s group MKP. I found it hard st first to want to know a person as raw and candidly as Frederic was willing to show me. I started to cease reading it many times, before I allowed myself to really “know” his journey, his pain and his triumphs. I’m glad I stayed with it. It was a deeply rewarding experience.
Greg Z
I started this book because I briefly got to know the author from our mutual men’s group MKP. I found it hard st first to want to know a person as raw and candidly as Frederic was willing to show me. I started to cease reading it many times, before I allowed myself to really “know” his journey, his pain and his triumphs. I’m glad I stayed with it. It was a deeply rewarding experience.
Greg Z
August 26, 2025
A beautifully written and deeply moving memoir. Frederick Marx shares his journey of love, loss, and resilience with honesty and tenderness. What I appreciated most is how real Tracy felt on the page—not idealized, but cherished as the person she truly was. This book is heartfelt, honest, and comforting, especially for anyone who has experienced grief. A powerful reminder that even in loss, love continues to shape u
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 9, 2018
October will mark the fifth year of being a widow after 57 years of marriage to the love of my life. I feel as though I have a soul mate in Frederick Marx. To have him express so perfectly the journey I have had was a real comfort. I wish I could convey more deeply what this book meant to me. Thank you Frederick Marx.
December 7, 2018
I received this book, for free, in exchange for an honest review.
The author's experience in writing shows clearly in this engaging book.
It was a bit too centered around the author for me (it is mostly a memoir).
I did learn a few things (take time to hug your loved ones, have rites of passage) but there was too much backstory for me.
The author's experience in writing shows clearly in this engaging book.
It was a bit too centered around the author for me (it is mostly a memoir).
I did learn a few things (take time to hug your loved ones, have rites of passage) but there was too much backstory for me.
September 18, 2018
A loving tribute
Frederick lost his wife who battled cancer for years. She was sick when they met and yet their love allowed her live more freely. He is a man of many facets and she was a woman who helped him more than he realized. I wished for a love like that once.
Frederick lost his wife who battled cancer for years. She was sick when they met and yet their love allowed her live more freely. He is a man of many facets and she was a woman who helped him more than he realized. I wished for a love like that once.
September 19, 2018
A Beautifully, Poignant book
Frederick Marx shares his grief at the loss of his beloved wife Tracy is such a raw, honest and straightforward way. Marx recalls happy and sad moments with her leading up to her death. I found myself rooting for his healing.
Frederick Marx shares his grief at the loss of his beloved wife Tracy is such a raw, honest and straightforward way. Marx recalls happy and sad moments with her leading up to her death. I found myself rooting for his healing.
November 13, 2018
I thought this was an excellent book about experiencing the death of a loved one. So many things you said you went through, I also have gone through from losing my spouse. Thank you for sharing, because no one knows what it is like until they go through it themselves.Five stars for sure!!
November 25, 2018
Every one of us will have to endure the death of a loved one. In this book, the author has allowed us into his personal life and has taken us on a journey he shared with his wife from the time of their marriage, through her illness and, eventually, her death. It is a memoir that is both heart warming and heart wrenching. It is a very good reminder that we should never pass up the opportunity to touch, feel and listen to our mate and to cherish each moment we have with one another - because, whether we like it or not, those moments are numbered. While his journey was heartbreaking, I very much appreciate his brutal honesty of his humanness following her death. No matter how painful, life does go on.
December 26, 2018
Exceptional insight and loving companion to one who has recently lost my loved one
I am recently bereaved and found this book to be a good companion to my grieving process. I especially resonated with his insights about their relationship as it bore parallels with ours.
I am recently bereaved and found this book to be a good companion to my grieving process. I especially resonated with his insights about their relationship as it bore parallels with ours.
December 27, 2018
Interesting book about the death of his wife!! Just wish it had been more about her ' !
Interesting book! The death of his wife seemed to be a little overshadowed by his constant need to be the center of attention!
Interesting book! The death of his wife seemed to be a little overshadowed by his constant need to be the center of attention!
January 10, 2019
Its a beautiful memoir about love, loss and death.
The book is written into Mr. Marx's shoes as he watches and records his wife's battle with breast cancer.
It's an emotional read. I definitely felt his hurt.
I won this book through Goodreads.
The book is written into Mr. Marx's shoes as he watches and records his wife's battle with breast cancer.
It's an emotional read. I definitely felt his hurt.
I won this book through Goodreads.
October 23, 2018
Wonderful read
October 25, 2018
Good book on how to deal with loss of a wife. This book helped me deal with my stroke 8 years ago.
October 27, 2018
Its a beautiful memoir about love, loss and death. Very personal and intimate read.
November 9, 2018
A first-class engaging read. Enjoyable and well written. Honest and sincere. Thought provoking! And a tear jerker.
November 3, 2021
This memoir truly showed the struggle and raw grief.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews