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No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones
In her best-selling "Goodbye, I Love You," Carol Lynn Pearson shared the moving story of her life with her homosexual husband Gerald--their Mormon temple marriage, the birth and raising of four children, their mutual anguish in realizing his orientation had not changed, their divorce and ongoing friendship, and her caring for him as he died from AIDS in her home. In "No More Goodbyes," Pearson revisits the challenging subject of religious people relating to their gay loved ones who are often condemned by their church and--many believe--by God. Through stories gathered from the microcosm of Mormonism, it becomes clear how this emotional earthquake affects families of all faiths.
308 pages, Paperback
First published January 10, 2007
26 people are currently reading
346 people want to read
About the author
Carol Lynn Pearson
91 books122 followersFrom http://www.clpearson.com/about_me.htm
In fourth grade, in Gusher, Utah, I won four dollars in a school district essay contest on “Why We Should Eat a Better Breakfast.” And yes, this morning I had a bowl of my own excellent granola, followed by a hike in the hills near my home in Walnut Creek, California.
In high school I began writing in earnest. I have now in my files a folder marked “Poetry, Very Bad,” and another, “Poetry, Not Quite So Bad.” Writing served a good purpose for that very dramatic, insecure adolescent. Also at that time I began to keep a diary, which I still maintain and which has been indescribably useful to me both as a writer and as a pilgrim on the earth.
After graduating from Brigham Young University with an MA in theatre, teaching for a year in Utah at Snow College, and traveling for a year, I taught part-time at BYU in the English department and was then hired by the motion picture studio on campus to write educational and religious screenplays.
While performing at the university as Mrs. Antrobus in Thornton Wilder’s “The Skin of Our Teeth,” I met and fell in love with Gerald Pearson, a shining, blond, enthusiastic young man, who fell in love with me and my poems.
“We’ve got to get them published,” he said on our honeymoon, and soon dragged me up to the big city, Salt Lake City, to see who would be first in line to publish them. “Poetry doesn’t sell,” insisted everyone we spoke to, and I, somewhat relieved, put publishing on the list of things to do posthumously.
But not Gerald. “Then I’ll publish them,” he said. Borrowing two thousand dollars, he created a company called “Trilogy Arts” and published two thousand copies of a book called Beginnings, a slim, hard-back volume with a white cover that featured a stunning illustration, “God in Embryo,” by our good friend Trevor Southey, now an internationally known artist. On the day in autumn of 1967 that Gerald delivered the books by truck to our little apartment in Provo, I was terrified. I really had wanted to do this posthumously.
Beginnings
Today
You came running
With a small specked egg
Warm in your hand.
You could barely understand,
I know,
As I told you of Beginnings–
Of egg and bird.
Told, too,
That years ago you began,
Smaller than sight.
And then,
As egg yearns for sky
And seed stretches to tree,
You became–
Like me.
Oh,
But there’s so much more.
You and I, child,
Have just begun.
Think:
Worlds from now
What might we be?–
We, who are seed
Of Deity.
We toted a package of books up to the BYU bookstore, and asked to see the book buyer. “Well,” she said, “nobody ever buys poetry, but since you’re a local person, let me take four on consignment.” As they came in packages of twenty, we persuaded her to take twenty--on consignment. Next day she called and asked, “Those books you brought up here. Do you have any more of them?”
I had anticipated that the two thousand books, now stacked in our little closet and under our bed and in my Daddy’s garage, would last us years and years as wedding presents. But immediately we ordered a second printing. Beginnings sold over 150,000 copies before we gave it to Doubleday and then to Bookcraft.
Beginnings was followed by other volumes of poetry: The Search, The Growing Season, A Widening View, I Can’t Stop Smiling, and Women I Have Known and Been. Most of the poems from the earlier books now appear in a compilation, Beginnings and Beyond. The poems have been widely reprinted in such places as Ann Landers’ column, the second volume of Chicken Soup for the Soul, and college textbooks such as Houghton Mifflin’s Structure and Meaning: an Introduction to Literature. That first little volume of verse, and my husband’s determination, laid the foundation for my entire career.
Another characteristic of my husband was to have a profound effect on both
In fourth grade, in Gusher, Utah, I won four dollars in a school district essay contest on “Why We Should Eat a Better Breakfast.” And yes, this morning I had a bowl of my own excellent granola, followed by a hike in the hills near my home in Walnut Creek, California.
In high school I began writing in earnest. I have now in my files a folder marked “Poetry, Very Bad,” and another, “Poetry, Not Quite So Bad.” Writing served a good purpose for that very dramatic, insecure adolescent. Also at that time I began to keep a diary, which I still maintain and which has been indescribably useful to me both as a writer and as a pilgrim on the earth.
After graduating from Brigham Young University with an MA in theatre, teaching for a year in Utah at Snow College, and traveling for a year, I taught part-time at BYU in the English department and was then hired by the motion picture studio on campus to write educational and religious screenplays.
While performing at the university as Mrs. Antrobus in Thornton Wilder’s “The Skin of Our Teeth,” I met and fell in love with Gerald Pearson, a shining, blond, enthusiastic young man, who fell in love with me and my poems.
“We’ve got to get them published,” he said on our honeymoon, and soon dragged me up to the big city, Salt Lake City, to see who would be first in line to publish them. “Poetry doesn’t sell,” insisted everyone we spoke to, and I, somewhat relieved, put publishing on the list of things to do posthumously.
But not Gerald. “Then I’ll publish them,” he said. Borrowing two thousand dollars, he created a company called “Trilogy Arts” and published two thousand copies of a book called Beginnings, a slim, hard-back volume with a white cover that featured a stunning illustration, “God in Embryo,” by our good friend Trevor Southey, now an internationally known artist. On the day in autumn of 1967 that Gerald delivered the books by truck to our little apartment in Provo, I was terrified. I really had wanted to do this posthumously.
Beginnings
Today
You came running
With a small specked egg
Warm in your hand.
You could barely understand,
I know,
As I told you of Beginnings–
Of egg and bird.
Told, too,
That years ago you began,
Smaller than sight.
And then,
As egg yearns for sky
And seed stretches to tree,
You became–
Like me.
Oh,
But there’s so much more.
You and I, child,
Have just begun.
Think:
Worlds from now
What might we be?–
We, who are seed
Of Deity.
We toted a package of books up to the BYU bookstore, and asked to see the book buyer. “Well,” she said, “nobody ever buys poetry, but since you’re a local person, let me take four on consignment.” As they came in packages of twenty, we persuaded her to take twenty--on consignment. Next day she called and asked, “Those books you brought up here. Do you have any more of them?”
I had anticipated that the two thousand books, now stacked in our little closet and under our bed and in my Daddy’s garage, would last us years and years as wedding presents. But immediately we ordered a second printing. Beginnings sold over 150,000 copies before we gave it to Doubleday and then to Bookcraft.
Beginnings was followed by other volumes of poetry: The Search, The Growing Season, A Widening View, I Can’t Stop Smiling, and Women I Have Known and Been. Most of the poems from the earlier books now appear in a compilation, Beginnings and Beyond. The poems have been widely reprinted in such places as Ann Landers’ column, the second volume of Chicken Soup for the Soul, and college textbooks such as Houghton Mifflin’s Structure and Meaning: an Introduction to Literature. That first little volume of verse, and my husband’s determination, laid the foundation for my entire career.
Another characteristic of my husband was to have a profound effect on both
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October 17, 2011
Today I went to Stake Conference and thought for the first time in my life about what an LDS meeting sounds like to a gay member of the church. I heard my stake president talk about the immorality of anything but a marriage between a man and a woman, and how Satan blinds and leads us away from truth. I thought, "If I was gay and took what he said literally, I'd assume I was controlled by Satan." I'm finally getting a taste of what it would be like to be Mormon and gay.
I’ve done some soul searching lately, and this book pushed me to my final conclusion: I am pro-gay marriage. I am pro-gays and lesbians being embraced by my LDS faith. I am pro-gay people in general.
This is an opinion several years in the making. First, I finally accepted that people don't choose to be gay. There are some people who are bisexual, the ones who can be "tempted" by same sex attraction but then repent and marry someone in the temple and be happy forever, explaining that homosexuality is a sin that can be repented of. I don't mean those people, I mean the 100% gay people, who are as completely gay as I feel I am completely straight. I don't think they are lying. I have a returned missionary BYU grad male friend who is gay and didn't pick that orientation, and I have now read so many stories of other gay men (and lesbians) who spent most of their lives praying, fasting, serving missions, going to the temple, attending Evergreen meetings and doing everything they could desperately trying to become straight. But homosexuality is a part of who they are, and it can't be changed. I don't care what President Packer said in conference last year; I think he's wrong. Church leadership is not perfect and all knowing, and church positions change as our understanding changes. I have never followed blindly, and I believe he is wrong.
I remember a professor at BYU telling our class about a group of gay members of the church who are praying and waiting and hoping for the brethren to change their minds about homosexuality and let gay members get married, even in the temples. I remember laughing at them, but I woke up the other morning and realized that I've become one of those people.
I've always heard, "We don't expect any more of our gay members than we do of any unmarried members of the church - they just need to live a chaste life". Sure. I am an army wife. My husband has been away for about 3 of our 9 years together. I remember saying aloud to a fellow army wife, "Our husbands are gone, but at least we have them. Think of the gals our age who have never been married at all." She said, "Yeah, but they're free to date, flirt, get a boyfriend. Go out on Friday nights, kiss boys. We have no option of dating. We have to be alone." She made a good point. It's a similar comparison between gays and regular straight singles. One group can date, fall in love, dream of a family and make it happen. The other is expected to be completely celibate. Even worse, they are told that their thoughts and desires are evil and can be changed through righteous living. They feel guilty for wanting a romantic companion, and nobody feels the sympathy for them being alone that they do for a single woman who never marries. It's not the same thing, and we're expecting a lot more out of our gay members of the church than anyone else. I think it's human nature to want marriage and a family, not just heterosexual nature. Just like a regular marriage is not only about sex, neither is a gay relationship.
If we are telling gay men not to marry other gay men, who are we telling them to marry? Our daughters, and ourselves. If it's not acceptable to marry another gay person, then the only acceptable alternative is to marry someone of the opposite sex, which is NOT FAIR to anyone in the union. Not the gay one, the straight one, or the children who are likely to end up in a broken home. I can't find the exact quote, but in this book Carol Lynn Pearson said something along the lines of, "How many young women have been sacrificed at the altar of curing a gay man's homosexuality?" Thankfully the church is much less likely to encourage a gay man to marry a woman as a cure for his gayness anymore, but my friend told me a few weeks ago about a very funny woman who was taking a class from her at the gym. She had been married for 25 years to an active LDS man who had been a Bishop and a member of the stake presidency. Their marriage had never been great, and it finally ended in divorce when he came out as gay. She had recently remarried a straight man and came back from her honeymoon reporting "I had the BIGGEST orgasm ever!" when they asked her how it went. Not only did this make everyone laugh, but it made me sad, thinking of all the wasted years she spent married to a man who wasn't really into sex with her. It wasn't fair to either of them.
Right now, there's really no place in the LDS church for a gay person. I used to think the stories of gay people being depressed and suicidal because of the way the LDS church teaches about homosexuality to be overblown and exaggerated. I don't remember ever once being specifically taught to hate gay people, for example. But then I thought about every person I've learned was gay in my life. My senior class president, guys from BYU, my sister's old boyfriend - I've always had an initial reaction of "Eeew - weirdo." I don't remember specifically being taught to feel that way, but obviously I learned it. What if I had grown up in this same environment and realized that I was the "eeew - weirdo"? I might just loathe myself too. I heard it today when I listened with new ears to stake conference. There are gay people in every ward in the church, and all they hear is that they are bad and that they can change if they just try harder. Some of the most righteous, dedicated and devoted LDS people I have known are gay. My gay friend said he got an email after he came out from a high school friend who said, "I can't believe you would do this. I always respected you so much and you were always such an example to me of how to live my life. I'm totally disgusted by you now." Well guess what? He was a great example, and he was righteous. And he was gay that whole time. Now you just happen to know about it. (This same girl got pregnant out of wedlock while my friend was serving his mission in France, by the way - but she thought he was the sinner.)
My conclusion, after all kinds of thinking and praying and reading is this: I support gay marriage. I have been missing out on what may actually be one of the most awesome groups of people of all time - gay guys. I read growing up about people blindly hating Jews, murdering blacks, discriminating against any ethnic group and thought it was awful. Yet it never occurred to me that I have automatically put one group of people in an untouchable/weirdo category for years - gay people. I was wrong. I hope someday our church can accept and embrace people who are gay, rather than excommunicating them and condemning them. Like I said, this is an opinion I've taken years to come to and I know I'm in the minority of Mormons still. But I'm here now, and...I'm out of the closet. I'm a straight married Mormon woman and I support gay marriage.
A Mormon who loves their faith should not have to choose between their church and their gayness. We should embrace them and love them, not cast them out and leave them to the wolves. I really loved this book.
Everyone should read this book. EVERYONE. (And the author's other book, "Goodbye, I Love You" - it will also change you.)
I’ve done some soul searching lately, and this book pushed me to my final conclusion: I am pro-gay marriage. I am pro-gays and lesbians being embraced by my LDS faith. I am pro-gay people in general.
This is an opinion several years in the making. First, I finally accepted that people don't choose to be gay. There are some people who are bisexual, the ones who can be "tempted" by same sex attraction but then repent and marry someone in the temple and be happy forever, explaining that homosexuality is a sin that can be repented of. I don't mean those people, I mean the 100% gay people, who are as completely gay as I feel I am completely straight. I don't think they are lying. I have a returned missionary BYU grad male friend who is gay and didn't pick that orientation, and I have now read so many stories of other gay men (and lesbians) who spent most of their lives praying, fasting, serving missions, going to the temple, attending Evergreen meetings and doing everything they could desperately trying to become straight. But homosexuality is a part of who they are, and it can't be changed. I don't care what President Packer said in conference last year; I think he's wrong. Church leadership is not perfect and all knowing, and church positions change as our understanding changes. I have never followed blindly, and I believe he is wrong.
I remember a professor at BYU telling our class about a group of gay members of the church who are praying and waiting and hoping for the brethren to change their minds about homosexuality and let gay members get married, even in the temples. I remember laughing at them, but I woke up the other morning and realized that I've become one of those people.
I've always heard, "We don't expect any more of our gay members than we do of any unmarried members of the church - they just need to live a chaste life". Sure. I am an army wife. My husband has been away for about 3 of our 9 years together. I remember saying aloud to a fellow army wife, "Our husbands are gone, but at least we have them. Think of the gals our age who have never been married at all." She said, "Yeah, but they're free to date, flirt, get a boyfriend. Go out on Friday nights, kiss boys. We have no option of dating. We have to be alone." She made a good point. It's a similar comparison between gays and regular straight singles. One group can date, fall in love, dream of a family and make it happen. The other is expected to be completely celibate. Even worse, they are told that their thoughts and desires are evil and can be changed through righteous living. They feel guilty for wanting a romantic companion, and nobody feels the sympathy for them being alone that they do for a single woman who never marries. It's not the same thing, and we're expecting a lot more out of our gay members of the church than anyone else. I think it's human nature to want marriage and a family, not just heterosexual nature. Just like a regular marriage is not only about sex, neither is a gay relationship.
If we are telling gay men not to marry other gay men, who are we telling them to marry? Our daughters, and ourselves. If it's not acceptable to marry another gay person, then the only acceptable alternative is to marry someone of the opposite sex, which is NOT FAIR to anyone in the union. Not the gay one, the straight one, or the children who are likely to end up in a broken home. I can't find the exact quote, but in this book Carol Lynn Pearson said something along the lines of, "How many young women have been sacrificed at the altar of curing a gay man's homosexuality?" Thankfully the church is much less likely to encourage a gay man to marry a woman as a cure for his gayness anymore, but my friend told me a few weeks ago about a very funny woman who was taking a class from her at the gym. She had been married for 25 years to an active LDS man who had been a Bishop and a member of the stake presidency. Their marriage had never been great, and it finally ended in divorce when he came out as gay. She had recently remarried a straight man and came back from her honeymoon reporting "I had the BIGGEST orgasm ever!" when they asked her how it went. Not only did this make everyone laugh, but it made me sad, thinking of all the wasted years she spent married to a man who wasn't really into sex with her. It wasn't fair to either of them.
Right now, there's really no place in the LDS church for a gay person. I used to think the stories of gay people being depressed and suicidal because of the way the LDS church teaches about homosexuality to be overblown and exaggerated. I don't remember ever once being specifically taught to hate gay people, for example. But then I thought about every person I've learned was gay in my life. My senior class president, guys from BYU, my sister's old boyfriend - I've always had an initial reaction of "Eeew - weirdo." I don't remember specifically being taught to feel that way, but obviously I learned it. What if I had grown up in this same environment and realized that I was the "eeew - weirdo"? I might just loathe myself too. I heard it today when I listened with new ears to stake conference. There are gay people in every ward in the church, and all they hear is that they are bad and that they can change if they just try harder. Some of the most righteous, dedicated and devoted LDS people I have known are gay. My gay friend said he got an email after he came out from a high school friend who said, "I can't believe you would do this. I always respected you so much and you were always such an example to me of how to live my life. I'm totally disgusted by you now." Well guess what? He was a great example, and he was righteous. And he was gay that whole time. Now you just happen to know about it. (This same girl got pregnant out of wedlock while my friend was serving his mission in France, by the way - but she thought he was the sinner.)
My conclusion, after all kinds of thinking and praying and reading is this: I support gay marriage. I have been missing out on what may actually be one of the most awesome groups of people of all time - gay guys. I read growing up about people blindly hating Jews, murdering blacks, discriminating against any ethnic group and thought it was awful. Yet it never occurred to me that I have automatically put one group of people in an untouchable/weirdo category for years - gay people. I was wrong. I hope someday our church can accept and embrace people who are gay, rather than excommunicating them and condemning them. Like I said, this is an opinion I've taken years to come to and I know I'm in the minority of Mormons still. But I'm here now, and...I'm out of the closet. I'm a straight married Mormon woman and I support gay marriage.
A Mormon who loves their faith should not have to choose between their church and their gayness. We should embrace them and love them, not cast them out and leave them to the wolves. I really loved this book.
Everyone should read this book. EVERYONE. (And the author's other book, "Goodbye, I Love You" - it will also change you.)
April 29, 2009
This was a difficult read; not for the faint-hearted. Unlike Pearson’s heart-wrenching Goodbye, I Love You written 18 years ago about her marriage to her gay husband, this book seems to be a call for political action as well as compassion for gays. Reading the sad stories and struggles of LDS families who discover a beloved child is gay, I developed far greater empathy and understanding than I previously had. I also believe I now can accept the idea that in addition to social disfunction, homosexuality could also be genetically caused. That’s a big change for me. So in this, Carol Lynn Pearson succeeded. But troubling however, is her continuous inference through the stories she shares, that faithful LDS gays need to leave the Church and find a soul-mate lover to be truly happy and at peace. I felt like bridled passion and chastity were given a big slap in the face. (What about the Sheri Dews who are not homosexual, who are single, and find great joy, peace and fulfillment inspite of their single and celebate status?) To say “wickedness never was happiness” would be absolutely scorned in this book, for the perception here is “What is wicked about two people loving each other?” I truly wonder if Pearson feels the Church should allow gay couples to be sealed in the temple. I’m certain she’s very displeased that the Church is working so hard to keep the legal definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman. Another major frustration for me was the constant accusation that the Mormon church teaches homophobia and hatred towards gays. That's the well-worn gay slogan and it's absolutely not true that we're taught to hate homosexuals. We're taught to love chastity, sexual purity, and virtue and hate the sin of immorality. Well, in a few days when my emotional dust settles, I will have taken from this book a greater empathy and understanding towards gays, but will toss aside the stuff that got my dander up.
February 25, 2012
I wish every member of the LDS church would read this book.
It's a painful read, but I like to think it could help us think about, talk about, and talk TO our gay brothers and sisters in a kinder, more loving & supportive way. Because we ALL have gay brothers or sisters, or sons or daughters, or parents, or friends, or missionaries, or Scouts, or Primary students, even if we don't realize it.
When I hear people make dismissive or derisive comments about "the gays" in Sunday School, or bring up Proposition 8 for the eleventy-millionth time, I wonder how many members of the class feel the knife twist--if not for themselves, then maybe on behalf of a much-loved child or friend who does not feel welcome at church because of comments like those.
When you KNOW who you are talking about, it's harder to be dismissive, or to see things as being purely black and white. After reading this book with its letters and stories, we can't say that we don't know who we are talking about anymore.
Even if my feelings about homosexuality are complicated, I don't ever want to inflict additional pain or feelings of isolation (whether intended or not) on children of God who are already lonely and hurting in ways I will likely never understand.
It's a painful read, but I like to think it could help us think about, talk about, and talk TO our gay brothers and sisters in a kinder, more loving & supportive way. Because we ALL have gay brothers or sisters, or sons or daughters, or parents, or friends, or missionaries, or Scouts, or Primary students, even if we don't realize it.
When I hear people make dismissive or derisive comments about "the gays" in Sunday School, or bring up Proposition 8 for the eleventy-millionth time, I wonder how many members of the class feel the knife twist--if not for themselves, then maybe on behalf of a much-loved child or friend who does not feel welcome at church because of comments like those.
When you KNOW who you are talking about, it's harder to be dismissive, or to see things as being purely black and white. After reading this book with its letters and stories, we can't say that we don't know who we are talking about anymore.
Even if my feelings about homosexuality are complicated, I don't ever want to inflict additional pain or feelings of isolation (whether intended or not) on children of God who are already lonely and hurting in ways I will likely never understand.
September 10, 2014
3.5 but I'm rounding up. I have never read the book she refers to - "Goodbye, I Love You" but this was a pretty excellent book highlighting how difficult it is to be gay when raised in a religious environment that doesn't tolerate homosexuality. The stories told were heartbreaking. I would rank it higher, however, so many of the stories (while painful) all just kind of ran into each other and didn't help me break it down about what I could do to help. I'm left understanding the painful situation better and yet still trying to figure out how I can fix it. I know the answer is love and yet so much of the issue is because of intolerance - how can I make sure that that intolerance is not tolerated or found in my own house? I guess that wasn't the purpose of this book. I do love the idea that now that I understand the situation better it is up to me to help circle my own wagon.
June 4, 2012
This was a library book & I liked it so much I purchased a copy of my own. I'd like everyone to read it, especially those in leadership positions. Unfortunately most people are laboring under a gross misunderstanding that gay persons can choose who they are and what they feel sexually, when in reality they cannot. LGBT persons did not seek to be so. They want to be straight but they cannot despite counseling, therapy, treatments, despite a profound desire to change, despite religious activity, including fasting, serving missions, marrying in the temple, despite repeated fasting and prayer, despite living a chaste life. Being gay is difficult. Being gay and LDS (or most other devout religious affiliation) is a terrible struggle.
They did not ask to be this way; they just are. And for the most part they are profoundly unhappy. We have no right to inflict additional pain or feelings of isolation. We have no right to judge or criticize them for who they are. Christ said to love everyone, not just those who are like ourselves. The quote on the cover by the Rabbi Harold Kushnor says it all, "The task of any religion is to teach us whom we're required to love, not whom we're entitled to hate."
The book clarifies misunderstandings about a complex issue and teaches generalities of love, compassion and appreciation. The underlying message is simple: to love. I've read, and own, all of Carol Lynn Pearson's books, which indicates that I am a fan of hers, but I wish she had included specifics of what the reader can do to help, i.e. how to circle our wagons around our gay loved ones. I believe one of the ways we can help is to stand up for them, i.e. to object when others tell gay jokes and ridicule them. The likelihood of my being able to get many of my friends to read this book are slim, but I can take a stand and express the author's opinion, that none of us can afford to criticize, make fun of, or not love someone because they are different from us. I can express my opinion that jokes at their expense are as offensive to me as jokes about Blacks, Jews, the handicapped, and other minorities. We are not better than they and to ridicule anyone is insulting, vulgar behavior.
I have become aware of another book which apparently deals with this topic in a less emotional and more practical way: In Quiet Desperation. I look forward to reading that book as well.
They did not ask to be this way; they just are. And for the most part they are profoundly unhappy. We have no right to inflict additional pain or feelings of isolation. We have no right to judge or criticize them for who they are. Christ said to love everyone, not just those who are like ourselves. The quote on the cover by the Rabbi Harold Kushnor says it all, "The task of any religion is to teach us whom we're required to love, not whom we're entitled to hate."
The book clarifies misunderstandings about a complex issue and teaches generalities of love, compassion and appreciation. The underlying message is simple: to love. I've read, and own, all of Carol Lynn Pearson's books, which indicates that I am a fan of hers, but I wish she had included specifics of what the reader can do to help, i.e. how to circle our wagons around our gay loved ones. I believe one of the ways we can help is to stand up for them, i.e. to object when others tell gay jokes and ridicule them. The likelihood of my being able to get many of my friends to read this book are slim, but I can take a stand and express the author's opinion, that none of us can afford to criticize, make fun of, or not love someone because they are different from us. I can express my opinion that jokes at their expense are as offensive to me as jokes about Blacks, Jews, the handicapped, and other minorities. We are not better than they and to ridicule anyone is insulting, vulgar behavior.
I have become aware of another book which apparently deals with this topic in a less emotional and more practical way: In Quiet Desperation. I look forward to reading that book as well.
May 11, 2016
I said, "Mary, tell me something. Why do you have that picture from The Wizard of Oz on your wall?" Mary chuckled at my question. "Oh, that's my favorite movie. I saw it the first time when I was five. But it's more than that. The story is so relevant to my life. That big, wise Wizard, you know. He's nothing. You pull back the curtain, it's just a man. I went through my whole life looking at the men at church as the Wizard, practically as God. I believed every word they said, every way they interpreted the Bible, every condemning judgment on my gay son. After Bobby died, I started to study on my own, and I see the Bible through my own eyes now, not through theirs. I pulled back the curtain, and it was not God, just men. The tin man, he had a heart all along. The lion had courage all along. I knew the truth about Bobby all along, but I didn't listen inside, I listened outside. Most of us go on dancing down that yellow brick road to find the wizard and be told the secret. But the secret is, the kingdom of God is within, inside every one of us. That picture, I keep it there to remind me."
5 stars because of how important this topic is to me and how important it should be to the entire Mormon community. The way certain religions, including my own, are treating homosexuality is absolutely wrong. It is not enough to "love the sinner, hate the sin" when it comes to this issue, and this book is valuable because of the insight and information it contains. I can't write too in-depth of a review because of how much I care about this. But thank you to Carol Lynn Pearson and others who are bringing light to this heartbreakingly still secretive and misunderstood subject.
"Gerald," I said, "what would have happened it you had just made yourself stay? If you had just made yourself put away that other part of you, just gritted it out, what would have happened?"
He thought only a moment. "You would have watched me die in a different way, that's all. Bit by bit, I would have gotten bitter and empty and ugly. That 'other part of me' isn't just a part, you know. It's the center. People don't understand that."
July 16, 2012
I don't think I would have read this book if it wasn't the book for my next book club. The reason we chose this book (it's a group of LDS women in the book club) is that one of the woman, who is hosting who I haven't met yet, recently found out a year ago that her husband is gay and are in the process of getting divorced.
However, I think it was important for me to read. I realize that I have had a prejudice in my heart against gay/lesbians in the past, not vocal or harsh or whatever, but a silent distrust, even though I once hung out with a very awesome and openly gay guy in high school. I guess I just always felt sorry for them, but also just uncomfortable to some degree around them, even when they were actually really nice. Much of it was from misunderstanding.
Reading this made me solidify the belief that gay/lesbians are indeed born that way! As you read the very real struggles and efforts of MANY men to change, you find they never are able to do what they desperately wish! Some even mention they knew they were gay as early as 7 years old! These people want to be straight (at least initially) but they cannot despite therapy and treatments, despite righteous living, despite a temple marriage, a mission, and never touching themselves and never acting on their feelings. They are still that way!
I know that because of reading this book I will think twice (or three times!) before treating someone who plays for a "different team" in a way unfit of Jesus Christ.
However, I think it was important for me to read. I realize that I have had a prejudice in my heart against gay/lesbians in the past, not vocal or harsh or whatever, but a silent distrust, even though I once hung out with a very awesome and openly gay guy in high school. I guess I just always felt sorry for them, but also just uncomfortable to some degree around them, even when they were actually really nice. Much of it was from misunderstanding.
Reading this made me solidify the belief that gay/lesbians are indeed born that way! As you read the very real struggles and efforts of MANY men to change, you find they never are able to do what they desperately wish! Some even mention they knew they were gay as early as 7 years old! These people want to be straight (at least initially) but they cannot despite therapy and treatments, despite righteous living, despite a temple marriage, a mission, and never touching themselves and never acting on their feelings. They are still that way!
I know that because of reading this book I will think twice (or three times!) before treating someone who plays for a "different team" in a way unfit of Jesus Christ.
April 26, 2012
This book was very moving. I'm having a hard time putting in to words what I felt and thought, as there were many emotions flowing:
Anger with the prejudice, judgment, exclusion and hate exuded by individuals, all in the name of religion.
Sorrow for the hardships, heartbreak and hopelessness that so many great people have had to go through and endure.
Joy for those who have found freedom, peace and reconciliation with their faith and family.
Resolve for myself to be a better person. To not keep my beliefs silent when it comes to what I feel is right in my heart, even when it clashes with the religion I have been brought up in.
Hope that others can open their minds and hearts and just LOVE, including - and especially - those in high religious positions in all faiths.
There are a lot of beautiful things in religion and family. There are a lot of beautiful people who have been pushed away from their own religion and family. I have heard such heart-wrenching stories of this happening, not only through the pages of this book, but also in person.
This book, in tandem with a conference I recently attended, has created a new depth of love in my heart. I am so grateful for the experience, especially for those who have been willing to share their stories.
I hope I can be worthy of their love and friendship.
Anger with the prejudice, judgment, exclusion and hate exuded by individuals, all in the name of religion.
Sorrow for the hardships, heartbreak and hopelessness that so many great people have had to go through and endure.
Joy for those who have found freedom, peace and reconciliation with their faith and family.
Resolve for myself to be a better person. To not keep my beliefs silent when it comes to what I feel is right in my heart, even when it clashes with the religion I have been brought up in.
Hope that others can open their minds and hearts and just LOVE, including - and especially - those in high religious positions in all faiths.
There are a lot of beautiful things in religion and family. There are a lot of beautiful people who have been pushed away from their own religion and family. I have heard such heart-wrenching stories of this happening, not only through the pages of this book, but also in person.
This book, in tandem with a conference I recently attended, has created a new depth of love in my heart. I am so grateful for the experience, especially for those who have been willing to share their stories.
I hope I can be worthy of their love and friendship.
December 3, 2008
This is a book aimed at a specific audience - Gay Mormons that are out, and closeted, and their Mormon families and friends affected by homophobia brought on by misguided Mormon teachings that institutionalize discrimination against gays.
December 3, 2015
A book for our time. Carol Lynn Pearson is a saint. Read this book to learn how to treat ALL humans--not just those with the greatest challenge of all.
April 12, 2020
Like a lot of reviewers on here, I had a difficult time getting thru this book because of the subject matter and my closely held beliefs in the LDS church. I know it was good for me to hear the stories and to make some adjustments in my thinking. That being said, I noticed that Pearson stayed mostly away from our doctrine and why we hold so closely to the plan of Happiness. It’s easier to explain the plight of the homosexual experience if that doctrine in not discussed too much. But it’s also true that as members of the church and as Christians we need to rally around our neighbors and brothers and sisters who are gay and hurting and welcome them in when and where ever we can.
I will be passing the book along ...
I will be passing the book along ...
August 18, 2017
There is much we can do to increase our love and understanding for our gay family and friends. Carol Lynn Pearson, as always, is a voice of compassion on the matter. This book is especially helpful for Mormons who may be struggling with this, as it gives many, many experiences of gay Mormons and their family members and the pain and healing and triumph they have found on a multitude of life paths--love seems to be the key. ❤️
July 15, 2017
Compassion, empathy, and knowledge. That is best way I can sum up the writing of Carol Lynn Pearson.
June 5, 2015
I can't say that I enjoyed reading this book, because it is heart breaking and difficult, and it will make you think hard about how you treat your homosexual family members and friends. I am, however, very glad that I read it.
As a lifelong member of of the LDS church, I am ashamed to admit that for many years I took the very uncomplicated, clear-cut view that homosexuality and Christianity could not co-exist. I was taught that homosexuality was evil, and so I was always uncomfortable with people who were gay or lesbian. It wasn't until 2008 when our local LDS unit came very close to having to make calls to California to advocate for Proposition 8 that I started to realize that I didn't feel comfortable advocating for the measure. Over the years my stance has softened as I've come to realize that God commands us to love. He wants us to draw a wide and inclusive circle, and I think He must grive when sons and daughters, His own creations, are cut off. I feel great sadness that I wasn't there to love one of my very best high school friends when she came out as lesbian.
This book is a collection of stories from LDS gays and lesbians and their families. I wept as I read of teenagers and young adults driven to suicide because they could not reconcile their sexuality with the LDS Church's teachings. Thankfully, our church leaderships understands so much more about homosexuality now then they did twenty or thirty years ago, but there is still progress to be made. After reading the book, I can better understand why some gay and lesbian men and women (and their families) have to cut ties with the Church for their own emotional and spiritual well being.
I've heard a lot of people say that they don't understand why gay people can't just remain celibate, as many heterosexual people do in the church. I think that Pearson does a good job of explanining that there is a difference. For heterosexual people, the promise of love is out there. They are encouraged to date and search for love and they are promised that if love isn't found here, it will be found in the eternities. For our homosexual brothers and sisters there is no such promise or encouragement. We simply do not know.
President Wilford Woodruff is oft quoted as saying "The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty." (Sixty-first Semiannual General Conference of the Church, Monday, October 6, 1890, Salt Lake City, Utah. Reported in Deseret Evening News, October 11, 1890, p. 2.) I have become a bit uncomfortable with this declaration because I think on this issue (and perhaps some others) we have been led a bit astray. In President Spencer W. Kimball's oft-quoted book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" he says “[Masturbation] too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality [and] thence into total homosexuality,” (page 78). Although he wrote the book before he became President of the church, he never rescinded this position and the book has never been revise to reflect current church teachings. Some very hard quotations from general authorities have been used to beat and condemn gay members of the church, leaving them feeling empty and absolutely worthless. Now the church has a different position, as explained on mormonsandgays.org where it says that “individuals do not choose to have such attractions [and] attraction to those of the same sex, however, should not be viewed as a disease or illness.” The man next in line to assume the presidency of the church should President Monson pass away before him has said some truly horrific things about homosexuality. I think we must be careful and cautious as we weigh what has been said about homosexuality with the need to love and include the individuals in our lives who are gay and lesbian.
I guess my main frustration with the book is that there are no clear cut answers. What do I do with all of these sad stories? I can see that on an individual level I need to make sure that when I circle the wagons in my own life that I am including my homosexual friends and family. But what can I do on a larger scale? How can I reconcile my deeply held faith in God and Jesus Christ with the sometimes confusing and changing position of my church on homosexuality? How can I help my gay and lesbian friends navigate their faith and also live a fulfilling life? I guess there are no clear answers.
The bottom line for me is that if one of my sons, a friend, a ward member, or a niece or nephew were to come to me and tell me that they are gay or lesbian I hope they will know that I am ready to circle my wagons around them. There is love enough for all.
As a lifelong member of of the LDS church, I am ashamed to admit that for many years I took the very uncomplicated, clear-cut view that homosexuality and Christianity could not co-exist. I was taught that homosexuality was evil, and so I was always uncomfortable with people who were gay or lesbian. It wasn't until 2008 when our local LDS unit came very close to having to make calls to California to advocate for Proposition 8 that I started to realize that I didn't feel comfortable advocating for the measure. Over the years my stance has softened as I've come to realize that God commands us to love. He wants us to draw a wide and inclusive circle, and I think He must grive when sons and daughters, His own creations, are cut off. I feel great sadness that I wasn't there to love one of my very best high school friends when she came out as lesbian.
This book is a collection of stories from LDS gays and lesbians and their families. I wept as I read of teenagers and young adults driven to suicide because they could not reconcile their sexuality with the LDS Church's teachings. Thankfully, our church leaderships understands so much more about homosexuality now then they did twenty or thirty years ago, but there is still progress to be made. After reading the book, I can better understand why some gay and lesbian men and women (and their families) have to cut ties with the Church for their own emotional and spiritual well being.
I've heard a lot of people say that they don't understand why gay people can't just remain celibate, as many heterosexual people do in the church. I think that Pearson does a good job of explanining that there is a difference. For heterosexual people, the promise of love is out there. They are encouraged to date and search for love and they are promised that if love isn't found here, it will be found in the eternities. For our homosexual brothers and sisters there is no such promise or encouragement. We simply do not know.
President Wilford Woodruff is oft quoted as saying "The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty." (Sixty-first Semiannual General Conference of the Church, Monday, October 6, 1890, Salt Lake City, Utah. Reported in Deseret Evening News, October 11, 1890, p. 2.) I have become a bit uncomfortable with this declaration because I think on this issue (and perhaps some others) we have been led a bit astray. In President Spencer W. Kimball's oft-quoted book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" he says “[Masturbation] too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality [and] thence into total homosexuality,” (page 78). Although he wrote the book before he became President of the church, he never rescinded this position and the book has never been revise to reflect current church teachings. Some very hard quotations from general authorities have been used to beat and condemn gay members of the church, leaving them feeling empty and absolutely worthless. Now the church has a different position, as explained on mormonsandgays.org where it says that “individuals do not choose to have such attractions [and] attraction to those of the same sex, however, should not be viewed as a disease or illness.” The man next in line to assume the presidency of the church should President Monson pass away before him has said some truly horrific things about homosexuality. I think we must be careful and cautious as we weigh what has been said about homosexuality with the need to love and include the individuals in our lives who are gay and lesbian.
I guess my main frustration with the book is that there are no clear cut answers. What do I do with all of these sad stories? I can see that on an individual level I need to make sure that when I circle the wagons in my own life that I am including my homosexual friends and family. But what can I do on a larger scale? How can I reconcile my deeply held faith in God and Jesus Christ with the sometimes confusing and changing position of my church on homosexuality? How can I help my gay and lesbian friends navigate their faith and also live a fulfilling life? I guess there are no clear answers.
The bottom line for me is that if one of my sons, a friend, a ward member, or a niece or nephew were to come to me and tell me that they are gay or lesbian I hope they will know that I am ready to circle my wagons around them. There is love enough for all.
June 2, 2023
Everyone should read this.
January 17, 2013
This was a hard but good read for me. The book is comprised mostly of personal accounts, many told by gay mormons, or else by mormon parents, spouses, or relatives of homosexuals. There were lots of tragic stories, but lots of positive ones, too. The book has an excellent message: that current attitudes towards homosexuals in the LDS and other churches are unacceptable, and they are currently treated in ways that run counter to the doctrines of love and inclusion. I think it is definitely a message I needed to read, and one that would be good for everyone to read and internalize. It was a hard read for me, though, because I found myself arguing with the author or taking issue with some of her stronger statements throughout the book. I believe it is healthy to read things that force you to face and consider things that you don't always agree with, though.
I also struggled with the way the book was put together, and how some of the vignettes were written by the author and some were written by other people whose voices and writing styles varied widely, and some of which were pretty obnoxious. The author's own writing came across as overwrought at times, which tended to put me off. That seems kind of petty since the subject matter is so important, but it was a deterrent for me. It wasn't a real page-turner for me.
I am glad I read this book because I have felt my own attitudes change and feel more prepared to be loving and understanding and less likely to be one who condemns or turns away from gay people in and out of the church.
I also struggled with the way the book was put together, and how some of the vignettes were written by the author and some were written by other people whose voices and writing styles varied widely, and some of which were pretty obnoxious. The author's own writing came across as overwrought at times, which tended to put me off. That seems kind of petty since the subject matter is so important, but it was a deterrent for me. It wasn't a real page-turner for me.
I am glad I read this book because I have felt my own attitudes change and feel more prepared to be loving and understanding and less likely to be one who condemns or turns away from gay people in and out of the church.
June 1, 2010
This book is a follow up to Carol Lynn's first book "Goodbye, I love you." Carol Lynn is an active Latter-day Saint who married her husband in the 70s, knowing that he experienced same gender attraction. They thought believed that they were righteous enough to overcome his struggles, but years later, they were divorced and her husband had contracted AIDs. Carol Lynn stayed by his side as he died and ever since then, she has been a friend to the Latter-day Saint homosexual community. This book is a compilation of stories from her friends.
I wasn't a fan of the way this book approached this sensitive issues. I found it an informative insight as to perhaps what homosexual LDS members go through, but I was looking for a book that took the tone "This is how this complex issue fits into God's plan of happiness for His children. Here is what you can do to help." This book took more of a tone, "Here is what all the bad, horrible stuff religion has done to the gay and lesbian community." This book left me with more questions than answers. It was rather negative and while I realize we are dealing with a very dark and troublesome issue, I believe there is light and hope for this issue. So actually, I would highly, HIGHLY recommend the book "In Quiet Desperation", which I started immeadiately after reading this one and found it far more enlightening, especially when coming from an LDS perspective.
I wasn't a fan of the way this book approached this sensitive issues. I found it an informative insight as to perhaps what homosexual LDS members go through, but I was looking for a book that took the tone "This is how this complex issue fits into God's plan of happiness for His children. Here is what you can do to help." This book took more of a tone, "Here is what all the bad, horrible stuff religion has done to the gay and lesbian community." This book left me with more questions than answers. It was rather negative and while I realize we are dealing with a very dark and troublesome issue, I believe there is light and hope for this issue. So actually, I would highly, HIGHLY recommend the book "In Quiet Desperation", which I started immeadiately after reading this one and found it far more enlightening, especially when coming from an LDS perspective.
June 12, 2008
Religoius persecution of a minority is nothing new. The LDS religion persecuting homosexuals is the main focus of this book. Although it is a call out to ALL people. This one just happens to be very close to my heart.
My brother gave me the book to read, and so I persevered for his sake. I am very glad I read it. It touched me and inspired me in ways I would have never guessed.
In the beginning it created strong emotions of anger and sadness. The stories of individual gay mormons who lived or not lived thru self hate and public hate in the name of their God.
The world is getting smaller. There shouldn't be room anymore for this kind of bigotry.
The book moves onto some inspiring stories of success and acceptance. Which in the end made the book a rewarding experience for me.
We all need a little more love, a little more acceptance, a little more compassion, a little more kindness and A LOT less judgment.
Let it begin with me.
My brother gave me the book to read, and so I persevered for his sake. I am very glad I read it. It touched me and inspired me in ways I would have never guessed.
In the beginning it created strong emotions of anger and sadness. The stories of individual gay mormons who lived or not lived thru self hate and public hate in the name of their God.
The world is getting smaller. There shouldn't be room anymore for this kind of bigotry.
The book moves onto some inspiring stories of success and acceptance. Which in the end made the book a rewarding experience for me.
We all need a little more love, a little more acceptance, a little more compassion, a little more kindness and A LOT less judgment.
Let it begin with me.
January 4, 2014
So glad to have read this book. It never hurts to be kind, loving, and supportive to those around us (with whatever kind of struggles we all face). Pearson's attitude, outlook, and call to action are exemplar. I want to record the last paragraph from the book as a reminder to myself.
"We take turns, then, don't we? When you are caught on any plain where love is not, I will gather what I have and bring what I can. And when I have used up all my love and am stranded in the cold, I will watch for you to appear with fresh supplies. That way we can make it, I think, all of us. We can be sufficiently creative and sufficiently kind that we will draw circle upon circle upon circle, bringing each other in, leaving no one out, joining, linking, enlarging, until the pattern of the whole human family, seen through the eye of God, is complete."
"We take turns, then, don't we? When you are caught on any plain where love is not, I will gather what I have and bring what I can. And when I have used up all my love and am stranded in the cold, I will watch for you to appear with fresh supplies. That way we can make it, I think, all of us. We can be sufficiently creative and sufficiently kind that we will draw circle upon circle upon circle, bringing each other in, leaving no one out, joining, linking, enlarging, until the pattern of the whole human family, seen through the eye of God, is complete."
couldn-t-finish
December 8, 2011I think anyone LDS who reads this has to be VERY CAREFUL with the ideas and thoughts of this book. With anything touching homosexuality and religion, it's a fine line. I loved the thoughts on how to be tolerant and be accepting of those who are gay. The gospel of Christ teaches love and so many do not understand this doctrine. With that said, there are some discrepancies between what Carol Lynn Pearson (and others she quotes) says and what I know to be the true doctrines of the Church. It's easy to become confused and forget things, especially what's said in "The Proclamation to the World: The Family."
I can't rate this book. I'm not going to recommend it, either. Maybe those who read this may not agree with me but I remember the confusion I felt and conflicting feelings I had.
I can't rate this book. I'm not going to recommend it, either. Maybe those who read this may not agree with me but I remember the confusion I felt and conflicting feelings I had.
July 9, 2009
This book constists of about 30-40 mini-biographies of (mostly) Mormon gays. It's organized from the bleakest stories (usually ending in suicide) to the most positive, where the family accepts the person's orientation (sometimes even several church members and leaders accept it as well). For me, the main value in this book is how well it shows that a person in a very rigid, conservative religion, is still gay in spite of constant prayer, fasting, and church service offerred in the hope that God will change the person. Apparantly, God sees no need to change the way he made all of these brave souls ;), which makes me think that we shouldn't see that need either.
December 14, 2010
It is so sad how we treat those we say we love. Gay, straight or ? why do we treat them differently because they are not just like us. Everyone is an individual and we need to appreciate the fact we're not all the same. How boring would that be? Too many wars to count were fought in the name of God and now we are back at it again. Yet I believe God loves all of us, no matter what. His love has no conditions, why does ours? Can't we all just get along. That may be too simple, but come on...we really can if we try. Differences are great, embrace them.
December 23, 2011
This is the book club book for January. It was a very hard read- I don't like to read tragic and sad stories- and this topic is incredibly tough. I admit I didn't read the whole thing, there were pages I skipped. I may not agree with a homosexual lifestyle, but it is never never ok to be mean or cruel or harsh to anyone. People can believe and do what they feel is right and we should respect that. The author did a good job discussing all sorts of views and different stories from others. I am proud of her and what she has gone through and that she compiled this book.
September 6, 2010
Enlightening, heart-wrenching, and motivating. Carol Lynn Pearson has put together a collection of true life stories, both personal and those of people she has known and spoken to over the years, who are both the loved ones of someone gay, or are gay themselves. The book teaches love, compassion and understanding, and the world would be so much the better if everyone thought this way.
September 19, 2010
An important, thought-provoking book, by one of my favorite authors, about the necessity of loving everyone- including the gay and lesbian brothers and sisters among us. The quote on the cover by the Rabbi Harold Kushnor says it all, "The task of any religion is to teach us whom we're required to love, not whom we're entitled to hate."
April 1, 2011
Thought provoking and I believe a must read for LDS members to open hearts and minds about this topic. Heartbreaking stories that need to be shared but also stories of love and support both of which had me reaching for the kleenex. I feel this book gave me an even greater depth of understanding and also reconfirmed my own beliefs about this subject.
September 22, 2011
This book gave me so much peace after my sweet daughter told me she was gay. I understand things so much better now in this new journey. Most families have someone who is gay, this book will soften the transition for all of you and expand your understanding. I am so thankful I found this book.
July 11, 2008
I blame this book for my refusal to participate in the latest campaign to ban gay marriage.
February 12, 2011
This book opened my eyes and softened my heart. I am so glad I read it.
April 21, 2012
Gay people's struggles
To find a place in church and
Their own families.
To find a place in church and
Their own families.
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