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Easing Out: Accepting My Gay Self
A straight-from-the-heart autobiography of gay denial that portrays the author's upbringing in the Bible-Belt South by loving, yet conservative evangelical parents. Humorous as well as agonizing stories filled with attempts to become straight are weaved throughout the authentic narrative. When the battle was finally won, other challenges loomed. Easing Out is a fascinating book that offers thought-provoking insights, understanding, and encouragement for others who are grappling with their own conflicts, as well as for those who love and support them. LGBT resources are included at the end of the story.
- GenresLGBT
Kindle Edition
Published October 5, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
February 19, 2022
The five-star reviews must be from friends or gay activists, because this book is really bad and Seth Vicarson needs to hear some well-meaning Christian feedback on his boring life story.
The first 150 pages are incredibly dull and nothing happens--he's an immature guy who has no relationships in high school or college (and no sexual experiences), then after college he meets a church girl that he gets engaged to after five months and all they do is kiss before she moves away and they split up. You'd think this might be an interesting story but it's so poorly told with insignificant details that it holds no emotional punch.
The last third of the book shares a bit about his gay life where he dates and lives with a few guys, but again there is really nothing interesting about it. I can't think of one real memorable "story" in the book--instead it's unimportant minutia of everyday life that would happen to anyone: what he eats, what people look like, clothing people wear, dates and times things happen, and even streets he drives.
Sex? The virgin waits until around age 24 when he suddenly acts on his same sex desires, his world changes, and he begins to filter everything through his homosexuality. There are no specifics about any of his encounters, but when he uses the term "arrested development" there is no truer life than Seth Vicarson's. This is a little boy in a grown man's body, and it isn't until his 30s that he seems to start to grow up. Throughout all of life he needs to be hand-held--living with his parents well into adulthood, too scared to fly on planes, avoiding bars because he's too nervous, and constantly worried about people that smoke. He comes across as an anxious adult whiner.
Eventually he found a permanent gay partner but nothing is said after that about any sexual experiences the rest of his life. We don't know if the two were faithful even though for years Seth was in Atlanta and his partner was in Jacksonville. Oddly the two eventually live together for decades but his parents aren't aware of the relationship. He even continues to hide his sexuality at the very open-minded and accepting workplace.
There never is really a time where he is rejected or hurt due to being gay, only a couple of cases where he "feels" like he was "almost" passed over for a job at work due to his being gay (though he got the promotion), or someone at the Baptist church was looking at him funny, or when he was rejected as a lay leader in his Presbyterian Church (a position he didn't want and got second-hand gossip that his name was withdrawn because he was gay). There is just no real conflict here other than what's going on inside him. He was his own worst enemy and lived an internal tortured life because he was so eager to put down others that he perceived wouldn't accept him. Yet every time he did reveal himself he was completely accepted.
If this is the life of a man supposedly condemned by society and religion, then all of us should have it. He was extremely successful in multiple jobs (including early retirement at Delta at age 52!), was always treated well by all churches he attended, and welcomed with open arms by his evangelical friends and family that knew he was gay. If he is trying to have us feel sorry for him being a victim, he fails royally. I wish I could have had his life--without the arrested development that made him internally suffer self-imposed anxiety.
He claims in the book that he was repressed by others' attitudes but it was always due to his own choices. For over 30 years he lies to virtually everyone, not just about his sexuality but about everything he thinks and does. His family, friends, and lovers all tell him the truth, Seth responds with lies, then tries to blame-shift and condemns an environment where he never felt free to tell the truth. That's a lie he's telling himself--he always had the choice. Everything about his life is a choice, no matter how hard he tries to convince us in the book that he was born this way.
What's extremely frustrating is the ignorance and misinformation in the book on sexuality and spirituality. This is one very bitter guy who wants to blame people and the church for his own anxiety and failed choices. He spins his choices as what happened to him based on society, religion, and family pressure. To the end of the book (and his retirement) he insists that Christians were bad to him, his parents were not accepting of him, and that he had to deceive in order to feel uncriticized. The problem is that the Christians and supposedly unaccepting friends in the book are the ones who are truly moral and speaking their truth--he fails to trust them enough to open up to them and he fails to accept them. He shows his intolerance of those he doesn't agree with and, like so many in the LGBT community, blame-shifts instead of accepting personal responsibility for his own bad choices.
He is welcome to have his opinions and distort his views of the past by his sexual and political leanings. But he has the gall to mix in falsehoods and distortions while calling them facts. He actually starts chapter one with the words, "Was I born gay?...I am convinced the answer is a resounding yes. I think most of the unbiased scientific community agrees with my conclusion." He ends the book again pushing this concept that he was "born gay" and "would never choose it."
That, of course, is unprovable. If he'd take the time to do research, almost no objective scientist says that you are "born gay" and people that do tend to be biased self-serving political propagandists. Studies have actually shown the opposite and typically say that while there may be some common factors in some gay men, there is no evidence that all were "born gay." And he was choosing gay behavior for almost 50 years, which he could have stopped at any time (he actually did for a couple of years during the AIDS crisis!).
Vicarson references in the back of the book three online articles that supposedly "prove" that being gay is not a choice. But I went online to read them and none of them say any such thing. As a matter of fact, all of them contradict his conclusion. One point blank says there is no gene to prove someone is born gay. Another from South Africa that is titled "The Verdict Is In: Homosexuality Is Not A Choice" is actually a quoted statement that is an opinion of someone, and not a fact based on scientific evidence.
Any thinking person with true interest in science should know that there is no way to prove at birth that you are gay. It simply will be impossible to prove unless every single person on earth who claims to be gay has the same specific gene, there is no one else with that gene, all outside variables are controlled, and no one changes from straight to gay--which we know won't happen. That doesn't mean there aren't some common possible indictors that could be physical, social, or nurtured among some people--but to make a claim that you can guarantee that you know someone is gay at birth is unprovable.
Then the author strikes out against his fundamentalist Baptist upbringing by trying to "prove" that homosexuality is not condemned in the Bible as sin. His focus is on the Old Testament, which of course modern Christians believe needs to be filtered through the New Testament. While we all have to be careful in interpreting the Bible since we don't have original manuscripts, any true born-again Baptist that believes in scripture as the inspired word of God has to admit there are New Testament verses that clearly call same sex intimacy unnatural. What that means is what's up for interpretation.
The author includes reference to an article that says Jesus would never discriminate, but simply read the New Testament and you'll discover Jesus did quite a bit of discriminating. Yes, we can all live the way we want based on how we interpret the Bible, but we need to stop misusing Jesus to support our own choices that differ from what He said.
Vicarson's faith wasn't very strong before he came out--he had doubts in his teen years and he makes it sound like his coming forward to be baptized was just so he could cool off in the baptismal tank on a hot Florida day. Those that aren't strong Christians before they come out certainly shouldn't claim to be wise Christians after they come out when they fail to handle accurately the word of truth.
I've read dozens of these stories of Christians that come out as gay and then turn their backs on their family or church while blaming others. Some of those stories are difficult to read because they have truly gone through some difficult situations. That's not true in this book where he seems to be his own problem. There are parts of his story that could be worth reading if he were to get rid of the rhetoric and hyperbole, or just add something interesting! His actual writing abilities are okay, but the man doesn't get truly honest with us and appears more interested in spinning his stories to push an agenda in his old age.
I encourage the writers of memoirs to hold to truth instead of trying to spin their stories as ways to make political or religious statements. What Vicarson wrote about himself has a few moments of truth, but he then contradicts himself to make sure he's politically correct. He is welcome to share his views and his story as he filters it, but then he should expect that readers will call out his claims that are inaccurate or illogical or misinformation.
The first 150 pages are incredibly dull and nothing happens--he's an immature guy who has no relationships in high school or college (and no sexual experiences), then after college he meets a church girl that he gets engaged to after five months and all they do is kiss before she moves away and they split up. You'd think this might be an interesting story but it's so poorly told with insignificant details that it holds no emotional punch.
The last third of the book shares a bit about his gay life where he dates and lives with a few guys, but again there is really nothing interesting about it. I can't think of one real memorable "story" in the book--instead it's unimportant minutia of everyday life that would happen to anyone: what he eats, what people look like, clothing people wear, dates and times things happen, and even streets he drives.
Sex? The virgin waits until around age 24 when he suddenly acts on his same sex desires, his world changes, and he begins to filter everything through his homosexuality. There are no specifics about any of his encounters, but when he uses the term "arrested development" there is no truer life than Seth Vicarson's. This is a little boy in a grown man's body, and it isn't until his 30s that he seems to start to grow up. Throughout all of life he needs to be hand-held--living with his parents well into adulthood, too scared to fly on planes, avoiding bars because he's too nervous, and constantly worried about people that smoke. He comes across as an anxious adult whiner.
Eventually he found a permanent gay partner but nothing is said after that about any sexual experiences the rest of his life. We don't know if the two were faithful even though for years Seth was in Atlanta and his partner was in Jacksonville. Oddly the two eventually live together for decades but his parents aren't aware of the relationship. He even continues to hide his sexuality at the very open-minded and accepting workplace.
There never is really a time where he is rejected or hurt due to being gay, only a couple of cases where he "feels" like he was "almost" passed over for a job at work due to his being gay (though he got the promotion), or someone at the Baptist church was looking at him funny, or when he was rejected as a lay leader in his Presbyterian Church (a position he didn't want and got second-hand gossip that his name was withdrawn because he was gay). There is just no real conflict here other than what's going on inside him. He was his own worst enemy and lived an internal tortured life because he was so eager to put down others that he perceived wouldn't accept him. Yet every time he did reveal himself he was completely accepted.
If this is the life of a man supposedly condemned by society and religion, then all of us should have it. He was extremely successful in multiple jobs (including early retirement at Delta at age 52!), was always treated well by all churches he attended, and welcomed with open arms by his evangelical friends and family that knew he was gay. If he is trying to have us feel sorry for him being a victim, he fails royally. I wish I could have had his life--without the arrested development that made him internally suffer self-imposed anxiety.
He claims in the book that he was repressed by others' attitudes but it was always due to his own choices. For over 30 years he lies to virtually everyone, not just about his sexuality but about everything he thinks and does. His family, friends, and lovers all tell him the truth, Seth responds with lies, then tries to blame-shift and condemns an environment where he never felt free to tell the truth. That's a lie he's telling himself--he always had the choice. Everything about his life is a choice, no matter how hard he tries to convince us in the book that he was born this way.
What's extremely frustrating is the ignorance and misinformation in the book on sexuality and spirituality. This is one very bitter guy who wants to blame people and the church for his own anxiety and failed choices. He spins his choices as what happened to him based on society, religion, and family pressure. To the end of the book (and his retirement) he insists that Christians were bad to him, his parents were not accepting of him, and that he had to deceive in order to feel uncriticized. The problem is that the Christians and supposedly unaccepting friends in the book are the ones who are truly moral and speaking their truth--he fails to trust them enough to open up to them and he fails to accept them. He shows his intolerance of those he doesn't agree with and, like so many in the LGBT community, blame-shifts instead of accepting personal responsibility for his own bad choices.
He is welcome to have his opinions and distort his views of the past by his sexual and political leanings. But he has the gall to mix in falsehoods and distortions while calling them facts. He actually starts chapter one with the words, "Was I born gay?...I am convinced the answer is a resounding yes. I think most of the unbiased scientific community agrees with my conclusion." He ends the book again pushing this concept that he was "born gay" and "would never choose it."
That, of course, is unprovable. If he'd take the time to do research, almost no objective scientist says that you are "born gay" and people that do tend to be biased self-serving political propagandists. Studies have actually shown the opposite and typically say that while there may be some common factors in some gay men, there is no evidence that all were "born gay." And he was choosing gay behavior for almost 50 years, which he could have stopped at any time (he actually did for a couple of years during the AIDS crisis!).
Vicarson references in the back of the book three online articles that supposedly "prove" that being gay is not a choice. But I went online to read them and none of them say any such thing. As a matter of fact, all of them contradict his conclusion. One point blank says there is no gene to prove someone is born gay. Another from South Africa that is titled "The Verdict Is In: Homosexuality Is Not A Choice" is actually a quoted statement that is an opinion of someone, and not a fact based on scientific evidence.
Any thinking person with true interest in science should know that there is no way to prove at birth that you are gay. It simply will be impossible to prove unless every single person on earth who claims to be gay has the same specific gene, there is no one else with that gene, all outside variables are controlled, and no one changes from straight to gay--which we know won't happen. That doesn't mean there aren't some common possible indictors that could be physical, social, or nurtured among some people--but to make a claim that you can guarantee that you know someone is gay at birth is unprovable.
Then the author strikes out against his fundamentalist Baptist upbringing by trying to "prove" that homosexuality is not condemned in the Bible as sin. His focus is on the Old Testament, which of course modern Christians believe needs to be filtered through the New Testament. While we all have to be careful in interpreting the Bible since we don't have original manuscripts, any true born-again Baptist that believes in scripture as the inspired word of God has to admit there are New Testament verses that clearly call same sex intimacy unnatural. What that means is what's up for interpretation.
The author includes reference to an article that says Jesus would never discriminate, but simply read the New Testament and you'll discover Jesus did quite a bit of discriminating. Yes, we can all live the way we want based on how we interpret the Bible, but we need to stop misusing Jesus to support our own choices that differ from what He said.
Vicarson's faith wasn't very strong before he came out--he had doubts in his teen years and he makes it sound like his coming forward to be baptized was just so he could cool off in the baptismal tank on a hot Florida day. Those that aren't strong Christians before they come out certainly shouldn't claim to be wise Christians after they come out when they fail to handle accurately the word of truth.
I've read dozens of these stories of Christians that come out as gay and then turn their backs on their family or church while blaming others. Some of those stories are difficult to read because they have truly gone through some difficult situations. That's not true in this book where he seems to be his own problem. There are parts of his story that could be worth reading if he were to get rid of the rhetoric and hyperbole, or just add something interesting! His actual writing abilities are okay, but the man doesn't get truly honest with us and appears more interested in spinning his stories to push an agenda in his old age.
I encourage the writers of memoirs to hold to truth instead of trying to spin their stories as ways to make political or religious statements. What Vicarson wrote about himself has a few moments of truth, but he then contradicts himself to make sure he's politically correct. He is welcome to share his views and his story as he filters it, but then he should expect that readers will call out his claims that are inaccurate or illogical or misinformation.
August 14, 2019
This book was entered in The Wishing Shelf Book Awards. This is what our readers thought:
Title: Easing Out: Accepting My Gay Self
Author: Seth Vicarson
Star Rating: 5 Stars
Number of Readers: 19
Stats
Editing: 9/10
Writing Style: 9/10
Content: 8/10
Cover: 9/10
Of the 19 readers:
19 would read another book by this author.
17 thought the cover was good or excellent.
18 felt it was easy to follow.
19 would recommend this story to another reader to try.
7 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘subject knowledge’.
12 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘writing style’.
16 felt the pacing was good or excellent.
19 thought the author understood the readership and what they wanted.
Readers’ Comments
‘I very much enjoyed this account of a gay man coming to terms with who he is. Well-written with plenty happening. Also, a good balance between laughter and crying.’ Male reader, aged 44
‘A very interesting story told with excellent prose.’ Male reader, aged 28
‘This felt really honest when I read it. The author is so brave to put his thought and feelings down on paper. I would recommend this to anybody who is struggling with sexuality particularly in relation to faith.’ Female reader, aged 38
‘I would recommend this book to any gay Christian. Actually, forget that, I would recommend it to any Christian who is unable to accept that a man or woman’s sexuality has nothing to do with his or her faith in God.’ Female reader, aged 67
‘This is a superb story in every way. The religious aspect is well-handled, and the author is very open with the reader on his feelings. Even the cover is excellent.’ Male reader, aged 29
To Sum It Up:
‘A powerful story of a young man trying to balance religion with his own sexuality. A FINALIST and highly recommended.’ The Wishing Shelf Book Awards
A WISHING SHELF BOOK REVIEW
13th August, 2019
TITLE: Easing Out, Accepting My Gay Self
AUTHOR: Seth Vicarson
Star Rating: 5
‘A thought-provoking, illuminating study of a man trying to work out who he is. Honest, intelligently written and highly recommended. ‘A ‘Wishing Shelf’ Book Review
REVIEW
Firstly, I must congratulate the author, Seth Vicarson, on writing such a personal, and often difficult, story. Any book which attempts to discuss how difficult it is to be gay in a bigoted world has my utmost support and admiration.
So, to the book! This is a story of how Seth reconciled his sexuality with what is ‘accepted’ by his church. And, let’s face it, the church, whether it be Catholic or whatever, has not got the best rep with the LGBT community.
The first thing which struck me with this book was Seth’s honesty. He tells it the way it is; no holds barred. As a result, I was gripped from start to finish. Also, there’s humour in it which surprised me as what he faced within his community was often pretty awful. In many ways, it’s a battle, a war almost as Seth attempts to be what he thinks God – and the church – want him to be. There’s a lot of commentary hidden in here, on how the church works and, indeed, how it’s not working. But the author’s sly and has such competent writing skills, he can put over his message without the reader ever feeling too overwhelmed.
The writing style is accessible with plenty happening in every chapter to keep the reader interested. This adds a lot to the story. Also, the author has excellent timing and the book is full of funny, very sweet moments that will surprise the reader and keep them turning the page.
Overall, a stimulating and well-constructed story. I would recommend it to anybody who’s still ‘in the closet’ and/or grappling with sexuality, and also to anybody interested in the church and the problems it still has coming to terms with the LGBT community.
A ‘Wishing Shelf’ Book Review
www.thewsa.co.uk
Title: Easing Out: Accepting My Gay Self
Author: Seth Vicarson
Star Rating: 5 Stars
Number of Readers: 19
Stats
Editing: 9/10
Writing Style: 9/10
Content: 8/10
Cover: 9/10
Of the 19 readers:
19 would read another book by this author.
17 thought the cover was good or excellent.
18 felt it was easy to follow.
19 would recommend this story to another reader to try.
7 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘subject knowledge’.
12 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘writing style’.
16 felt the pacing was good or excellent.
19 thought the author understood the readership and what they wanted.
Readers’ Comments
‘I very much enjoyed this account of a gay man coming to terms with who he is. Well-written with plenty happening. Also, a good balance between laughter and crying.’ Male reader, aged 44
‘A very interesting story told with excellent prose.’ Male reader, aged 28
‘This felt really honest when I read it. The author is so brave to put his thought and feelings down on paper. I would recommend this to anybody who is struggling with sexuality particularly in relation to faith.’ Female reader, aged 38
‘I would recommend this book to any gay Christian. Actually, forget that, I would recommend it to any Christian who is unable to accept that a man or woman’s sexuality has nothing to do with his or her faith in God.’ Female reader, aged 67
‘This is a superb story in every way. The religious aspect is well-handled, and the author is very open with the reader on his feelings. Even the cover is excellent.’ Male reader, aged 29
To Sum It Up:
‘A powerful story of a young man trying to balance religion with his own sexuality. A FINALIST and highly recommended.’ The Wishing Shelf Book Awards
A WISHING SHELF BOOK REVIEW
13th August, 2019
TITLE: Easing Out, Accepting My Gay Self
AUTHOR: Seth Vicarson
Star Rating: 5
‘A thought-provoking, illuminating study of a man trying to work out who he is. Honest, intelligently written and highly recommended. ‘A ‘Wishing Shelf’ Book Review
REVIEW
Firstly, I must congratulate the author, Seth Vicarson, on writing such a personal, and often difficult, story. Any book which attempts to discuss how difficult it is to be gay in a bigoted world has my utmost support and admiration.
So, to the book! This is a story of how Seth reconciled his sexuality with what is ‘accepted’ by his church. And, let’s face it, the church, whether it be Catholic or whatever, has not got the best rep with the LGBT community.
The first thing which struck me with this book was Seth’s honesty. He tells it the way it is; no holds barred. As a result, I was gripped from start to finish. Also, there’s humour in it which surprised me as what he faced within his community was often pretty awful. In many ways, it’s a battle, a war almost as Seth attempts to be what he thinks God – and the church – want him to be. There’s a lot of commentary hidden in here, on how the church works and, indeed, how it’s not working. But the author’s sly and has such competent writing skills, he can put over his message without the reader ever feeling too overwhelmed.
The writing style is accessible with plenty happening in every chapter to keep the reader interested. This adds a lot to the story. Also, the author has excellent timing and the book is full of funny, very sweet moments that will surprise the reader and keep them turning the page.
Overall, a stimulating and well-constructed story. I would recommend it to anybody who’s still ‘in the closet’ and/or grappling with sexuality, and also to anybody interested in the church and the problems it still has coming to terms with the LGBT community.
A ‘Wishing Shelf’ Book Review
www.thewsa.co.uk
November 17, 2024
Although at times this narrative goes into too much detail, and is therefore a bit dull in places, I believe the author make a repeatedly honest effort to include even personally painful details for the benefit of his audience who he intended to be primarily people like himself: religious in upbringing and orientation, privately struggling with his gayness which was not acceptable to either his family, his church or many of his friends and acquaintances, and on a quest to reach some kind of equilibrium after years of denial and hiding.
That may have been the longest sentence I have ever written. I wonder if it is grammatically correct?
Anyway, kudos to him for his writing an autobiography about his experiences; I believe it will be revelatory and helpful to many others.
That may have been the longest sentence I have ever written. I wonder if it is grammatically correct?
Anyway, kudos to him for his writing an autobiography about his experiences; I believe it will be revelatory and helpful to many others.
October 28, 2020
Extraordinary book both funny, sad, and well worth sharing with family and friends
Incredible story! I found so many facets of my own life story reflected in his story...almost to the degree that I felt I was reading my own biography. Seth is one of the finest storytellers and writers that I have had the the extreme pleasure of reading for a long time!
Incredible story! I found so many facets of my own life story reflected in his story...almost to the degree that I felt I was reading my own biography. Seth is one of the finest storytellers and writers that I have had the the extreme pleasure of reading for a long time!
September 3, 2020
Such an amazing story! Though Seth definitely had better luck in love than I have has (which is saying a lot given things he went through) our spiritual struggle was the same. I did come out to my parents and have found acceptance and love from them.
This memoir was a wonderful read.
This memoir was a wonderful read.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews